Uncategorized – Page 6 – neilmclamb.com

Merry Christmas

Neil & Melissa would like to wish you a Merry Christmas. We hope your holidays are filled with love and grace (not just as an offering to others but received as a gift for yourself also). We plan to be back to blogging in 2019 and look forward to the new year ahead!

Everyday Repentance and Forgiveness in Relationships

We (Neil and Melissa) will be doing a joint post today. The first part will be written from Neil’s perspective, and the second part will be from Melissa’s. We will conclude with some joint thoughts.

From Neil’s perspective:

Mornings have become a hectic time for me. With age, I’ve had to add a couple of different tasks to my “get ready for work” routine, including CPAP machine cleanup, stretches for tendonitis in my shoulder, and vestibular therapy for some nagging issues I have with dizziness. Having so much to cram into such a small time frame is not fun. I love lifting weights, and I feel like I have to rush through it…the one thing in the morning I actually enjoy!!

Well, that being said, this morning was crazy, as it often is. I had several things happen that set me back, and I was beginning to realize I would be late for work no matter how fast I moved. One thing that needed to be done: packing my lunch. In passing with my wife as she was getting ready, I made the comment, “I really don’t have time to get my lunch together”. And believe me when I say this, I really laid on the pity party pretty thick. I walked away knowing exactly what I had done. Did you see what I did there?

I wanted Melissa to help me by packing my lunch. Instead of being direct and simply asking if she would, I played a little manipulative game with her. I made comments that could possibly have induced guilt and pity, with the hopes that she would pack my lunch for me.

This may sound ridiculous. This may sound mean. Well, it was both. I had chosen to be sneaky and manipulative rather than open and honest. I had chosen to wear a mask instead of engaging her with humility. Before she had time to respond to my trickery, I went to her and apologized. I told her exactly what I had done and what I was hoping to get out of her. I believe I could tell by the look on her face that she already knew. She looked at me and told me she understood that I was having a difficult morning. Thankfully, she chose to forgive me. Once again, as she has so many times, my wife offered grace to me. When I did not deserve it, she forgave me and even packed my lunch while I wasn’t looking.

For some of us, it is so much easier to hide behind indirect behavior than it is to be open and direct…even with those we are closest to. Many times, we do it without realizing what we are doing or the impact that it has. Well, let me be very clear here. It is hurtful, very hurtful, to manipulative others with indirect behaviors such as pity parties (like what I did in the example above), blame, shaming statements, bullying, or any behavior that isn’t born of humility. Checking our motives is CRUCIAL if we are to walk in grace and love, which is the only way that truly produces intimacy and maturity in our relationships.

From Melissa’s perspective…

Most mornings, like Neil, I have several things that I like to get done before going to work. I prefer to work out in the mornings, eat breakfast, wash dishes or start a load of laundry and then try not break my neck from rushing around to get dressed and ready. I have a tendency to forget about time when I plan my to-do list! This morning, though, was a relaxing and easygoing morning. I was not going to work out. I had laid in bed a little longer than usual and was enjoying moving slowly through my morning. I was not rushing. I was calm.

Before drying my hair I looked at the time. I breathed even slower when I realized that I had plenty of time left. I could finish drying my hair and then cook a hot breakfast and actually savor each bite. I hear Neil come in. Immediately I can tell that he is not feeling this same calmness. His morning looked different than mine. He was huffing and puffing and naming off all he had already done and all that he had left to do before going to work. I started to feel ashamed of myself. I couldn’t continue enjoying my calm morning and sit down and slowly eat my breakfast while he was running around. I had to jump in and help.

Different emotions began to take over. There was some anger toward him for ruining the calm zen I had going on. There was shame at the fact that I was moving slowly and enjoying calmness while Neil had so much to do. The least I could do was use my time to help. After all, that is what he wanted me to do right? He was not directly saying it but I felt it. My breathing became shallower. My movements became rushed. Now I was in a hurry to get my stuff done so I could also help get his stuff done. It became my responsibility to fix his problems. Like my post said last week, I am a fixer.

In the end, I prepared his lunch so he could mark that off his list. That was really the only thing I could do to help him. I spent time trying to decide if I could do anything else. I ate a very quick breakfast and then I rushed out the door. Did I even remember to pack my own lunch in that frenzy?!?!

The truth was he was feeling overwhelmed that morning. His plea for help became a guilt-ridden expectation and stayed that way until he decided to talk with me about it. He owned what he was doing. Even though I knew what he was doing, I still responded out of guilt and shame. Time seemed to stand still long enough for us to talk through this. The craziness of the morning looked quite comical then.

Neil apologized and it was not an obligatory apology. I know this for several reasons, one being he confessed it to me before I even had a chance to respond to his behavior. He, in detail, was able to tell me what he did and why he did it. He had searched his own heart. It was a sincere apology that was only possible because of humility. He took the courage to tell me that he was manipulating me even though he did not know if I would forgive him or throw his lunch plate at him. These crazy, little moments are times of growth.

A conclusion from both of us…

Neil could have held onto his little secret, and the situation would have remained unresolved. Melissa could have held a grudge, and the situation would have remained unresolved. Trust us, we do both. On the morning we’ve shared with you, we chose a different, better path together.

Asking ourselves why we do the things we do helps us to see what is in our hearts. Sometimes it reveals things that we need to ask forgiveness for. Sometimes it reveals the need to offer forgiveness. Giving and receiving forgiveness is a gift of grace that causes wounds to heal and love to deepen and flourish.

-Neil and Melissa

If you would like to receive notifications when we post new blogs or events please subscribe to our email list using the form below. Add us to your address book to make sure we do not end up in your spam folder.

What Truly is at the Heart of Fixing

My name is Melissa and I am a fixer…..

My son, Michael, can attest to that. He has definitely been affected by my fixing behavior. Michael is full of life and energy. There have been several times, in his younger years especially, when I tried to fix him. I tried to get him to be what others (and myself) wanted him to be. “Just sit still and be quiet. Keep your hands to yourself. Just do what you are told and don’t ask questions”. Unfortunately, those words have come out of my mouth a lot with absolutely no conversation around them. It was strictly rules and strictly a way of me telling him to just be “good”. There was never any conversation around who he was as a person, why he did things the way he did, and how to be the real him in this world. As long as my focus was on fixing him, I missed out on enjoying him and his wonderful, fun-loving spirit.

What do you think started happening next? He started hiding. I was not a safe place to come so he just didn’t tell me when he got in trouble at school or when he was having problems with a friend. He knew my answer would just be a behavior modification and all about how he needed to be different. He had experienced the fact that there was no real love in that kind of answer. My answer instead spoke the opposite of love. It said, “You are embarrassing me. Act better so I at least look like a better mom.” I wouldn’t trust me either!

Do you ever try to help someone? You see their “problem” and feel like they just aren’t understanding how to control or fix it. A lot of times we just jump in to “save them”! No matter how many times I tell myself that I am doing this because I love the person I am trying to fix, it is not true.

So, what is fixing really about? For me, fixing has several synonyms. It means control and stuffing away of reality. Fixing means I will be less embarrassed and frustrated. All will be well in the world….Not! Sometimes we don’t want to acknowledge that we fix. At times I think we even fall for the false believe that what we are doing is something that should be held in high esteem. I know I can easily fool myself into believing that I am really just being such a good helper and that I have to be right.

The truth is though that fixing is not helping. It’s damaging. It puts a wall up in our relationships therefore the relationships can’t mature and grow.

When we remove fixing from our relationships, we are free to actually get to know, understand and love the other person. As long as fixing another person is my goal then I cannot experience the love they have for me and I cannot truly love them. Offering an environment of trust where a person can come to me with no expectation of being fixed is freeing for both people. We get to know each other and appreciate our unique traits. Relationships thrive and grow there. Love grows there.

-Melissa

What Do You See?

In the picture attached to this post, there are actually three very different things one might notice when looking at it. What do you see?

In life, we encounter situations in which we believe very strongly that we know all we need to know about what’s going on. We are surprised when others have a different opinion. Often, we find out later that we misread the circumstances. Maybe we were partially right, but there was much more than what we thought we saw. We can do the same with people, letting our initial impressions define who we think a person is. Later, we may find out that we were very wrong about our assessment.

Another area we can do this is reading the Bible. There is so much available to us in Scripture, and we have a tendency to think we have things figured out. Many of us have a strong tendency to trust our perspective, but it can be awfully flawed.

Our perspective has been pieced together over time, like an unfinished puzzle. It is unique and important, but it isn’t perfect. It’s always missing pieces.

Our perspective is formed by a lifetime of interactions with others and our environment. Love, hurt, rejection, loss, betrayal, traumatic events, success, failure…it all plays a role in forming the lens with which we view the world around us.

Since our perspective may sometimes impair our ability to judge accurately, what are we to do to help us see what’s really in front of us?

We must be willing to admit to ourselves and others that we don’t have it all figured out.

Input from others helps us see the full picture. This not only includes situations we find ourselves in and people we meet, but even what we see when we evaluate ourselves! Our self-reflection and self-analysis isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We need honest assessments from those around us who know us and love us.

When looking at the picture attached to this post, some see a little girl, some see scenery, and others see a skull. I may have only seen the little girl without having input from others who see the scenery and the skull. No big deal there. It’s just a picture. But when I dismiss people from my lives because my assessment of them tells me they are not worth my time, I very well may be missing out on some pretty fantastic encounters and friendships. If I read over a familiar passage of Scripture quickly without my heart open to what God may be saying to me, I may miss a new experience with God and truth that I desperately need to rest in.

Finding God’s truth is not something we do on our own. We do it together.

Trusting ourselves with each other does not mean absence of disagreement. In fact, disagreement is necessary and healthy along the way. But we need God’s grace to make our way through multiple incomplete perspectives trying to come together in love to discover the truth. The gospel of grace is of upmost importance for us to rely on. God gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5; James 4:6), so to experience grace we must humble ourselves with each other. Humility, or willingness to be vulnerable with each other, is the key to working through conflict and disagreement to embrace truth. Humility lets us admit we need others to speak into our lives. It’s what helps us see not just the little girl in the picture, but also the scenery (which may represent details about what is going on) and the skull (which may represent potential pitfalls or danger) as well.

Ultimately, truth is not just knowledge or things to know. Christ referred to Himself as “the truth”. Knowing the truth is knowing Christ. As believers we are referred to as “the body of Christ”. As “the body of Christ”, we have access to the truth. It’s in us because Christ is in us. However, we must work together, like hands and feet, to realize and embrace the truth. If we try to go it alone, we will forfeit precious moments of closeness (intimacy) with God and each other.

-Neil

Guest Post – Vulnerability vs Transparency

Today we are sharing a guest post from our friends at Trueface. This is from their new 365 day devotional that will be released next month. Their idea with this book is to present one idea per day: keeping it simple so it can be profoundly applicable. You can find out more and preorder the devotional at www.trueface.org.

VULNERABILITY VS. TRANSPARENCY

Why is it you can be around someone telling you personal things about themselves and yet you still feel outside their loop? Maybe it’s because there’s a chasm of difference between transparency and vulnerability. Transparency is choosing to disclose yourself to others but in ways you choose. You’re being open but you’re in control, with little intention of letting anyone in. Preachers have often been accused of this selective openness. In vulnerability, you not only tell the truth about you but also allow others in to help. You’re giving others permission to know the pain of your weakness, allowing them to care for you.

You’re not only allowing yourself to come out of hiddenness, but you are also no longer pretending you can solve what you’ve revealed. The important point is not that something gets fixed, but that nothing ever has to be hidden. Have you been transparent or vulnerable with the issues in your life? Who would you let in to ask for their care and help?

1 Peter 1:22

Our Focus Matters

Where or on what do you find yourself focused? I tend to frequently catch myself focused on my to-do list. If I were honest with myself, I would have to say that it is my security blanket. I love checking things off and usually for every one thing I check off two more things are added! I get a little anxious if I do not have a long list of to-dos. As I ponder on this I realize that I do the same thing with my relationship with God. I tend to focus on the to-do list and miss seeing Him.

In John Chapter 14, Jesus is talking with the disciples and tells them about his soon coming crucifixion and resurrection. Thomas is confused on what Jesus is talking about and questions how they are supposed to know the way to him. Jesus responds, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me”. (John 14:6, ESV)

Jesus is guiding their focus. He does not mention any task or long list of to-dos that will bring them to Him. He is the way. He is the focus.

If I observe myself enough I will see a pattern. My focus affects me. The effects spills over into my relationships and affect others. For example, my husband, Neil, loves the bread I make and I usually enjoy doing it on Sunday afternoons. Notice I said that I “usually” enjoy it. Where my focus is at explains that statement. When I am doing this strictly out of necessity and because it is a rule I set up for myself then it usually looks like this: I am rude and sarcastic with Neil. Every time he walks by, I am sure to huff, puff and let out a loud sigh. I make a point to let him know that I do not have time to talk because I am making his bread! I am sure you can picture how the rest of afternoon and evening goes from there. Now let’s look at the same scenario from a different focus. The truth is I do enjoy baking bread. I do enjoy the fact that Neil loves it. It is an expression of love and he receives it from me. When my focus is on love it looks different. It is freeing. It does not mean I want him in my way while I am baking but my response is different. I can actually speak civilly to him and let him know that I will be in the kitchen for a little while and need to be alone while baking. There is no grudges or manipulation going on. I bake the same loaf of bread either way but the rest of my day goes differently. I am able to enjoy Neil when my focus is on love. I do not really enjoy any of it when my focus is on it just being a rule I have to follow on Sunday afternoons.

Jesus is reminding the disciples that He is all they need. He is right there with them. He is the way. By focusing on Him, the tasks will get done. They will be done through love because He is love and when our focus stays on Him love flows out of what we do. Our relationships grow deeper and deeper. We are changed because of Him.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am definitely not saying that every Sunday afternoon I bake the most loving loaf of bread you could ever have. I have plenty of Sunday afternoons where I bake bread begrudgingly. However, I also know what it is like to bake bread lovingly and that is the experience I would choose. Because I know and have experienced the latter, I am able to catch myself when I am baking for any other reason than love. I can then choose to continue with that focus or talk it through with God and Neil which brings my focus back on Him.

I encourage you to look for your focus this week. I am definitely not asking you to do this in order to beat yourself up but so you can see how your focus affects you.

-Melissa

Right Here, Right Now

“Choosing” by Alli Rogers

I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused and losing ground
Is this part of some plan?
The rise and fall of man?
I can’t be sure

When I’m away from my source of peace
Something fills that space in me
And it feels like I don’t need you

It’s easy to get by
When I don’t even try to find the truth
Today I learned that faith
Is not to be obtained like a place I can go

It’s more of a choice than a feeling
More of a wound that healing
The act of believing in you

And I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused
And losing ground

But maybe this is where I grow
When I admit that I don’t know
When belief becomes the only way to you

The above lyrics are to a song that I love. A song that speaks volumes to me. It’s written and sung by Alli Rogers and I recommend you check her out.

The song starts out saying what I say to myself quite often. I feel lost, confused and unsure what my life is supposed to look like. Sometimes I hide behind these feeling and emotions and tell myself that “it’s easier to get by when I don’t even try to find the truth”. That sounds like something I have to work at. I don’t know how to even begin doing that though.

But then there’s the line that says faith is not obtained like a place I can go. That doesn’t match my tendency to put God and faith in this far away place that I’m trying to get to. I can try and try but walking this path leads only to us “losing ground and being confused”. I can work on finding the plan God has for me and surely I’ll finally get to the point I can talk with God and He’ll be ready to help me right?

I know this is a false belief if I stop and look at God’s truth that tells me He is omnipresent and that He is loving on me right here where I’m at. Trusting in God in my present circumstances is faith. That may look like admitting I don’t know, admitting I’m confused and then choosing to trust my loving Father. It’s not the picture I’ve always had in my mind of God sitting on a throne with his arms crossed waiting for me to finally find him. It’s God standing with me as I face my confusion, my wounds, and whatever else comes my way. This is how I grow.

-Melissa

If you would like, you can sign up to receive notifications of new blog posts and announcements here:

One Thing after Another

Sometimes in life we experience a series of events that feel like a beating. We are hit with one difficult circumstance, and before we can recover we are hit with another. It feels like one thing after another. Often, a sense of hopelessness sets in. We become angry. Anxiety increases as we anticipate the next punch in the gut. The fact that it’s not just one thing that has happened to us, but many, makes it seem more likely that it’s an attack on us.

What is going on? Is God ignoring my pain? Why doesn’t He fix this? Does He care? Is He angry and punishing me? What did I do wrong to warrant this?

Those are just a few of the questions that arise in the midst of circumstances that seem to snowball until it is all more than we can handle.

Why doesn’t He change our circumstances?

Good question, but I’m not even going to try to answer this one. When we try, we go in circles. I have read many writings in which the authors have attempted to tackle this question. They all fall flat for me. The answers I’ve found sound like something that came from a person who had no idea what it was like to get knocked down repetitively in life. Perhaps they were well-intended responses, with the goal to help others. However, pat answers are not lasting solutions.

The truth is, 99% of the time we have no idea why He chooses not to step in the way we would like for Him to. So, instead of mulling over a question that we could spend years on and still get nowhere, let’s look at a question that we can actually tackle and see where it takes us.

What did I do wrong to warrant this?

This question implies that we are being punished when we experience bad circumstances. It assumes there is something wrong with us, and that God is displeased with us. Paul says in Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. In John 9:1-3, when asked by the disciples whose sin caused a man to be blind, Jesus responds like this, “…It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” The man, nor his parents, had done anything to cause his condition. Jesus also implied that God was working in and through the man in the midst of his blindness. What we can derive from this, and this is very important, is that when faced with bad circumstances we tend to lose sight of who we are and who God is. The questions we wind up asking reflect this distorted view.

There are three truths that may help us see things more clearly.

First of all, when we place our trust in Jesus Christ, we become new creations. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” As believers, we are “in Christ”. With this new identity, we are fully accepted, loved unconditionally, forgiven, saints, adopted children, complete, friends of Christ, justified, and free from condemnation. No longer is the word “punish” used in reference to us. Christ took all the punishment for sin on the cross.

Second, God is not who we think He is sometimes. When we see Him as a vengeful, displeased, angry, or aloof father, we see Him incorrectly. We’ve been lied to by others, our circumstances, and perhaps even our feelings. God is, instead, intimately involved in our lives, kind, compassionate, always pleased with us in Christ, full of grace and mercy, tenderhearted and forgiving, and smiling as He thinks of us. God is proud of us, His beloved children! (Romans 8:28-29; Hebrews 12:5-11; 2 Corinthians 7:4).

The third truth is not like the first two. These first two truths are foundational for us. When we trust the truths of who we are in Christ and who God really is, our perspective changes. The way we interact with others changes. Everything changes. This third truth is important when we just don’t have answers. This truth is this: “God is mysterious, and so are His ways”. This is not something we want to hear when we are struggling. We want answers. However, many times we do not get them…or we wait years until we finally get them. Although He has mysterious ways, we can choose to trust the truth that He is lovingly involved even when we cannot see it ourselves. This may require us to open up to trusted others and express our feelings, our doubts, and our needs. When we are hurting, we need to be heard. Insightful and caring input from others who listen well to our words and needs can help carry us through those times when the first two truths are evasive. God may be mysterious at times, but it is not hidden that He works through our relationships with others to care for us and meet our needs.

-Neil

Experiencing Love, Part 2

If you have not already, I encourage you to read my post from last week before reading this one. Last week I shared my experience with opening up about not experiencing God’s love. I knew what I believed to be true but felt like an imposter because I did not feel like I had actually experienced these truths like other people had seemed to. I was asked a couple of key questions and encouraged you to ask yourself as well. What does it look like for God to love me? What do I think it should look like?

We can begin by looking at our relationships with others. When do I receive love from my husband or others that I trust? What does that look like?

When I pondered those questions and was truly honest with myself my answer revolved around performance. I am able to receive love from my close relationships when I think they are pleased with me. I am not saying that they think this way but this is what goes on in my mind. When they are happy and enjoying what I have done for them then they can enjoy me. The moment I do something wrong I immediately think the opposite becomes true. I take their unhappiness very personal. When this happens, either I become defensive and angry or I try to fix it and immediately start apologizing. So, am I truly receiving love from them even when everyone is happy & pleased? I do not think I can if I am solely basing it on my performance and actions.

When I equate giving and experiencing love with what I do for others then I am affecting my ability to actually experience the love they have for me and to offer them the love I truly have for them.

If my relationships with others are based on my performance then I see my relationship with God the same way. The way we view and interact with others reflects the way we view and interact with God. Therefore, if we perform for love with our close relationships with people, then we do the same with God. This truth bears an answer to my question of how I seek God’s love. For much of my life, my motive was attempting to earn love. I did not realize this, but it was something I felt I had control over since it was all up to me to earn. My flesh tells me I must perform well to be loved, and I bought that lie hook, line, and sinker. The sad result of that perspective was a lack of experiencing true love. I failed more than I succeeded in feeling like I performed well. It is so much work to please so many others and God. I can only do so much, and it was never enough. I do not have the energy to flip all the switches and keep all the lights burning. The best I could experience was a love that was conditional, as it was dependent upon my performance for Him and others. Sometimes I felt okay, most of the time I did not. In recent years, I have intentionally departed from that mindset. I have found myself saying “no” to things that I used to would have said “yes” to. Separating “working for Him” from “being loved by Him” has proven to be a struggle for me. Since deep down I still often tie love to performance, I have found myself frequently missing the experience of His deep love for me.

God tells us that His love is free and unconditional. It is not at all related to what I do. His love is there because of who He is and because of who I am in Christ. Wayne Jacobsen wrote a great book entitled He Loves Me. I have read it multiple times and am finding myself going through it again as I question what it looks like for God to love me. He says “But perception is not necessarily reality. If we define God only in our limited interpretation of our own circumstances, we will never discover who He really is.” He goes on to say, “God knows how difficult it is for us to accept His love, and He teaches us with more patience than we’ve ever known”.

Father, than you for your patience. Thank you for loving us even though we cannot comprehend it. Thank you for your love that is pure, true and unconditional. Father, show us how you love us intimately and personally. Help us experience it for what it is and not for what we sometimes think it is.

-Melissa

Experiencing Love, Part 1

Have you ever had that nagging thought that makes you question everything about yourself? You know, that thing that pops up over and over and you begin to wonder if your life is real or if it’s a charade. I have been struggling recently with this question, “Do I really believe what I say I believe?”. Different little things pop into my mind and tell me that I’m an imposter. A fake. A hypocrite. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was time to get this out. I decided to open up and talk with my husband.

I began blubbering and making no sense. Did I really want to say this aloud? I was in a safe place with someone I trusted so yes, I did want to say this out loud. I was tired of it controlling my mind.

I began explaining what I know is true. God loves me unconditionally. I have been saved by His grace and love. I do not have to earn his love and grace. It is a free gift from God. This removes striving, people pleasing, hiding, etc. I am free from the bondage of sin. I still have flesh and I still sin but it no longer defines me. I am righteous. I am Christ in Melissa McLamb. I know these things are true.

So what’s the problem? Well to be honest, I know these truths but I don’t feel like I have actually experienced these truths. I don’t have a “big story” of how I experienced it like others often seem to have. I mean, I have a story but it doesn’t seem significant or impactful. It doesn’t seem real.

I realize that I haven’t experienced my own story! That was eye opening.

Neil asked, “What does it look like for God to love you? What do you think it should look like?”. I didn’t have an answer to those questions. I had never thought about it. I had only thought about what it looked like when God loved other people, not me. I get uncomfortable when I actually think about God loving me. That’s getting very personal!

God is going to approach us from a perspective of fully knowing and understanding who we are. He is not going to force me to experience His love in an uncomfortable way. He has good intentions and He doesn’t mess up.

I encourage you to ask yourself those same questions. What does it look like for God to love you? What do you think it should look like? It is personal. It is your story. It is unique and special because you are special and loved by God.

-Melissa