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The Matrix

A couple of years ago, I was watching a video in which Bruce McNicol (of Trueface) discussed what he called “The Matrix”. His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I often live in a matrix when it comes to the concept of God’s grace. I do not think I am alone.

Too much knowledge, not enough experience.

Many believers have access to plenty of knowledge of what Scripture says. Preachers preach it. Sunday School teachers teach it. Small group leaders facilitate the presentation of it. Apps on our phones will even read it to us straight out of whatever translation we want to pick. In America, most of us are not lacking the ability to learn what is in the Bible.

While being free to learn and know so much about God, the abundance of knowledge does not necessarily make us livers of what we know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt He knows us intimately. However, just because we know things about Him does not mean we are experiencing the love and grace He wants us to receive.

Love must be experienced for it to be real to us. Otherwise, it is just another word.

Knowing things but those things not sinking in and changing my perspective is “The Matrix” that I’m referring to. Me telling people my wife loves me because she tells me so does not equate to me embracing her love for me. In fact, she cannot make me receive her love no matter how much she loves me. Also, my effort to learn more about her and reciting her words to me that she loves me does not lead to intimacy with her. Sure, those efforts on my part may be helpful, but they will not assure me real, deep connection with her. It is the same with God.

So many of us go to organized religious settings, sitting and listening to sermons, participating in small groups, listening to “Christian” music, and reading our Bibles and “Christian” books. Again, while these activities may provide much needed truth, we can easily wind up in “The Matrix”…knowing a bunch of things that we don’t really experience in our daily lives.

We must acknowledge what we know but don’t truly trust.

How can we avoid being trapped in “The Matrix”? First, it is good to openly acknowledge those things that we say we believe that there is little to no evidence that we actually believe. For instance, God says He loves me unconditionally. Therefore, if I find myself constantly working hard to try to please Him out of fear of rejection, then I am not truly resting in the reality of His never-ending love for me. This type of realization is not easy for most of us. We are very used to just saying what we are supposed to believe as if we actually believe it. Many of us have learned to “fake it until we make it”. Hogwash. God doesn’t want us to fake a thing. He desires that we trust Him by acknowledging our struggle to believe truths and to surrender those things that keep us in bondage…including those things that keep us locked up in “The Matrix”.

We must let ourselves be loved.

Second, we must embark on the wonderful, but often scary, journey of letting others love us. This requires us to practice humility in order to let people into our lives. This means taking off the masks we hide behind so that people can see the real us. Then, when they love us, they are loving US…not our masks. Then, and only then, can we receive the love others have for us. Otherwise, our masks keep it from us.

Living and experiencing love from our Father and each other is what grace is all about. The Matrix serves only to put forth the false image of living out the gospel as we can recite it without any experience of it changing our lives. The gospel of grace is so much more than a theology for us to learn and know. It’s an environment. It’s relational. It changes everything.

-Neil

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Hiding in Plain View

I’ve written quite a bit about hiding our true selves from others. I do it for several reasons. One of those reasons is how hiddenness prevents us from enjoying and getting close to each other.

A sinister thing about hiding is that you can do it in plain view of others. We can go to church every Sunday, join several godly-looking committees, put on a big fake smile and flashy clothes, look down on those who don’t do those things, and feel pretty darn good about ourselves. Others may envy us as we look like the “good Christian who has it all together”.

All the while, we have things just beneath the surface of our masks that look nothing like the show we are putting on in front of others. We may find ourselves denying that those things even exist. When we stumble over them, we sweep them back under the rug as soon as possible so we don’t get exposed.

For some of us, the mask doesn’t ever seem to slip. We’ve fashioned it in such a way that it fits snuggly against the face we want to keep hidden…a face we haven’t even seen ourselves in a very long time.

Let me drop the symbolism here for second. In short, none of us are as “well-put-together” as we often want to seem. We have pet sins that we just can’t seem to put down. We aren’t as “successful” as we wish we were. We aren’t the father, mother, son, daughter, or friend we had hoped to be. We have deep hurts that seem to persistently bleed through the bandages we keep throwing on top of them.

Ironically, while we disguise ourselves so that others do not see our faults, there is a tendency for us to look at others and pick them apart. In fact, the thicker our own masks are, the more we are tempted to do that to others. The slightest slip-up in another person’s life and we are ready to toss them aside…all the while using them as the source of some juicy gossip. While we laugh and feel accepted in those conversations, we are again fooled by masks around us. If the primary source for conversation is gossip, then authentic friendship is the furthest thing away from the conversation.

When we get home from a long day of putting on a show, we often continue to hide in different ways. Some of us withdraw to TV, some hobby we’ve picked up, or too much to drink. Some of us let all the frustration spill over with those we are closest to, so they do actually get something real from us. However, unfortunately it is a lot of misplaced anger that only serves as another layer of something to hide behind. Then there are those of us who slip on another mask as best we can and try to keep the charade going at home.

Is there no end to this madness? It’s nauseating when we take notice of what we are doing and what’s happening around us. Billboards blatantly lie to us about what we can expect if we just give them some of our hard-earned cash. The news tells us a warped, biased version of what’s really going on in the world. And local churches even get sucked into the phoniness with empty platitudes and the all-to-often-used response, “We’re doing just fine!”

Where can we go to find something real and authentic? More importantly, where can we BE real and authentic?

The answer is a hard one to swallow. We can start being real right where we are. It isn’t easy. It’s scary. What if we let others see who we really are and they don’t like it at all?! Is it even worth the risk? For many of us, the answer is still, “No, it’s not”. But for some of us, taking that risk is looking more and more inviting as we tire of the mask-wearing and phony lives that leave us feeling empty and cold.

While it’s scary to take off the masks we hold so dear, it’s also usually hard to figure out how to do it. They are often applied with something not unlike superglue. We don’t know ourselves after we’ve spent so much time covering up our true selves.

So, the question is posed. Who am I really? I need to know some sort of answer, at least a hint, in order to embrace and be my true self.

If I wanted to find out about a product of any kind, the best place to go would be the person who created that product. Who invented it? Reading about what goes into the product is not enough. Actually talking with the creator would serve to give us the full picture of what that product is and what it’s designed for. Actually knowing the creator would give us a sense of what went into the making of that product.

The same is with us. We need to seek our creator if we are to truly understand who we are. God formed us in our mothers’ wombs. He actually knew us long before that. We can read about the truths of who we are in Scripture, and that is good. However, reading is not enough. Simply having knowledge is not enough. We need a relationship with our creator in which He can walk with us and continually show us how He views us in order for us to let it all soak in. It will only be a reality we can live out in our lives once we have had experiences with Him that permeate every fiber of our being.

This may all sound a little kooky, or at least too over-simplified and/or over-spiritualized for those of us truly struggling with our masks and wanting freedom. Perhaps we must start with something tangible and right in front of us. Maybe we need to sit down with one person we trust and ask them to tell us what they see when they look at us. That person may be surprised by that question, so we may need to press them a little to be honest. We may need to share just a little about what we are pursuing. We may need to share our own observations of them. This isn’t a time for criticism and fake compliments, but for sharing real insight into what we see at the very core of each other. The realness in that little conversation might break the seal on the old mask we put into place long ago.

Humility (being real about who we really are) can start with the smallest step of faith you can imagine. Ask God for an opportunities to experience trusting Him and others with yourself. That’s a prayer He loves answering. We will miss some of those opportunities, no doubt. But the ones we embrace will make all the difference in the world.

-Neil

What Am I Missing While I Wait?

Last week Hurricane Florence made an impactful entry into the Carolinas. All week Hurricane Florence occupied our televisions, radio, conversations and mind. I kept waiting for the storm. I felt paralyzed and like I could not do anything else but wait for the storm to get here. I was getting frustrated and anxious as I waited. It was a very long week! Then it starts.

The winds pick up. The rain beats against the windows. The trees are dancing and swaying to the beat of the storm. My waiting for the storm is over. Now I start waiting for the next thing. When will the power go out? I know it’s coming, but when? Again, I feel paralyzed. I wanted to have a cup of coffee and do some reading, but I felt like I couldn’t. Shouldn’t I go ahead and at least watch the news or a television show while I can? I felt stuck. So I just went along with I felt like I “should” be doing while I waited. I stayed busy to ensure I was ready whenever the next anticipated thing happens. After the power goes off, I can quickly move onto anticipating another unknown and unplanned variable.

While waiting, I am missing the here and now. I am not present. I am anticipating and preparing for what is to come. My mind will not rest.

This made me think about a question I was asked several years ago. I came across it not too long ago in a notebook I had written in. I was asked what my favorite bible story was. My answer was not a “story” in the sense we think of bible stories. My answer was around the thoughts of getting to heaven. Being done with the mundane, everyday living I’m having to go through now. I would finally get to a place where things were enjoyable and simple. I could be free to live and love. It would just come natural once I was there. So, I wait. I go through my days anticipating this big event. Every day that passes is a day I can check off my list. Now, I’m not saying that I hate everything about my life and that it is miserable. But a lot of times I do go through the motions of living. I do the things that must be done. And I miss a lot. I know there is more to it than this.

I enjoy reading and listening to Emily P. Freeman. She’s an author from North Carolina. In her book Simply Tuesday she discusses Luke 17:20-21. It says, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.” She poses the question “What if, heaven is simply one inch above the ground?” That means heaven is right here with us in our everyday moments! She discusses her own struggle with always looking ahead to the next thing. She says “That’s not always bad, but to be able to look ahead while also celebrating now is a delicate kind of art, to imagine what could be without discounting what is.”

This has my wheels spinning. So powerful and thought provoking. I think this is something I will be sitting with for a while. How can today’s to-do list look different if heaven is in my midst? I have a feeling it will change lots of things. God is here with me in the everyday moments whether I experience Him or not. Father, open my eyes, ears and heart to your love and grace in my everyday moments.

-Melissa

When God Doesn’t Stop the Lightning

A few weeks ago, while engaged in conversation that included a close friend of ours (my wife and I), this friend told a brief story that has stuck with me ever since. She, a mother of two, told about how her daughter often runs to her room during the night when there is a thunderstorm. The young girl is afraid of the lightning, like many of us were at that age (and possibly still are even today!). Our friend emphasized the depth of security her daughter felt in her mother’s arms while the lightning bolts hit all around, causing loud thunder. Despite the fact this mother could not stop the storm, or even make her daughter completely safe from it, her daughter was comforted to be in her presence.

God could remove the lightning from our lives, but He rarely does this.

The parent-child relationship is a reflection of the relationship God has with His children. This story, shared by our friend, caused me to ponder what her experience with her daughter can tell me about my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Often, God does not choose to take away the things that bother me in my life. The irritations, heart breaks, disappointments, fears, and other things that hurt me often remain despite my pleading with Him to remove or fix them. What are we to do when He doesn’t take away the lightning in our lives? If I take notes from the young girl, what is it that gives her such peace when in her mother’s arms?

Security is not something we get from a lightning rod.

I know this young lady fairly well. I also know the relationship she has with her parents. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that they love her. I am sure there will be times, such as disciplinary interventions, that she might struggle with that truth. However, there is a firm foundation of guaranteed love that has no bounds. I’m betting she always comes back to that truth. THIS is what we need with God for true security. We, all too often, believe that God must take away the lightning in our lives for us to have peace. That is a lie. All we need is to be able to run to Him and allow Him to hold us in His arms while the thunder crashes all around us.

Security is a direct result of living in His love.

I am presently convinced that the most difficult part of our walk of faith is believing God’s love for us is everpresent, unconditional, and neverending. Evidence of this is seen in the fact that many of us struggle with security almost every day, showing up as fears and anxiety. It’s far too easy to lose sight of how He loves us because we have an endless number of sources telling us otherwise. Where the young girl in the story has a firm foundation of love with her mother, many of us struggle to rest in it with God. That means a new foundation is needed, and that is not an easy transition. A new foundation begins with being willing to tear down any and every thing that tells us something other than what is true about God’s love for us in Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And it requires something so simplistic that it boggles my mind how powerful it is: faith like that of a child.

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Just Being Me

I still get surprised by God’s loving grace and mercy. I work hard to get things “right” and when I take time to actually slow down and think I’m reminded of how simple experiencing life really is. I know you’re thinking, “Simple! I’m drowning every day and can’t seem to catch up!” Simple is not typically a word used to describe our daily lives and trust me when I say that I do not always believe in the simplicity either. More times than not I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off and have a to-do list a mile long!

I was recently reflecting on a sermon I heard from John Lynch (at Open Door Fellowship in Phoenix) and read from Proverbs 3 & Ecclesiastes 10. I was again reminded and surprised by God’s simple love & instruction. It all comes back to identity: knowing who I am because of God’s love and believing in that even when it doesn’t feel right. When this is happening daily life looks different. I can rest in the simple parts of my daily life. Typically, I am doing the opposite and end up trying to force myself to just make it through another day.

Proverbs 3: 1-6 (ESV) says “My (child), do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.”

God has been reminding me that living out of who we really are (who He has already made us to be) is what leads us to experiencing life. First and foremost, we have to know who we are. We have to let Him teach us and trust what He says about us. That may come in the form of affirmation from others, difficult conversations with others, scripture, or many other ways. We are loved. We are faithful. Why? Because He is love and He is faithful and we were made in His image. There’s nothing we have to do as His children to become loving and faithful. Accepting the relationship He wants with me and being His child makes me that way.

When I forget or forsake those things then I begin to lean on my own understanding. Then I begin believing that my identity and worth is only based on what I can do. I think I am nothing but a sinful person that has to try harder to keep things together, love and be good. Let the striving to attain the perfect life begin. And do you know what comes next? Frustration, anger, bitterness, broken relationships, more striving, feelings of failure, overindulgence in things as I look for what will make me feel better. These are some of my top outcomes but the list can go on and on. The cycle repeats and repeats. All of that boils down to the fact that I have forgotten who I am.

Sometimes I think I forget it because I just simply cannot believe that it is true. I do not think I am worthy enough to be made in His image or to be loved by God and others. I do not think it can really be as simple as trusting God. There has to be a catch, right? I keep looking for the string attached. There is no string. I am loved. He made me that way.

Ecclesiastes 10:10 says, “If the iron is blunt, and one does not sharpen the edge, he must use more strength, but wisdom helps one to succeed.” Verse 15 says, “The toil of a fool wearies him, for he does not know the way to the city.”

Both of these verses affirmed for me what I was describing earlier. The iron was designed to be sharp. When I try to use it differently than it’s intended purpose then I have to work a lot harder. I have to use more and more strength and completely wear myself out. Letting the iron be sharp like it was made to be allows the job to just happen without so much effort. I am being foolish when I try to be something else and when I refuse to believe who I really am. I am not only hurting myself but those around me. I am wandering around lost and afraid. I grab any remedy and rules I think will help make me better. I am unable to experience life because I am too busy trying to find it. I already have life. Embracing who I am because of Christ allows me to experience it.

God’s grace and mercy is sufficient to cover all the times we forget who we are and His love is plentiful enough to continue to remind us of the truth. . . . Even when I trust who He made me to be just a tiny, tiny amount there is such freedom and life experienced that it automatically flows from me. I’m then able to experience daily life from a different perspective.

-Melissa

Have Your Way

“For ‘All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.’ And this word is the good news that was preached to you.” (1 Peter 1:24, ESV)

Grass and flowers eventually die. Even the most beautiful flowers eventually shrivel up and waste away. Our human potential is similar to these things. Human beings are amazing creatures. Some of us are capable of pretty fantastic accomplishments. However, our potential is limited. We can only go so far and accomplish so much, and if you take notice, those of us who strive and strive for the top never seem to be fully satisfied. The payoff may be great for a while, but it is always temporary.

Reaching our own potential cannot compare to God’s predestined plan for our lives.

God has a different plan for us than trying to live up to our human potential. His power is eternal, not limited like our own abilities. His plan’s beauty never fades. His ways are better than our ways. Trusting in my own ability to manage my life only allows me to reach my flesh’s potential. Trusting God opens me up to realize the destiny He has planned for me long before I was even conceived.

But how can we tap into this “destiny”, or God’s plan for our lives? As stated above, trusting God is the key. First we need to call attention to the cycle that we are in. It must be broken.

Submission to God’s plan begins with breaking our control cycle.

I want to be in control of my life. Sure, I know the right thing to say is that I submit to God’s plan. Sure, I know that limits me to accomplishing only my human potential. However, I often lean on my own understanding. To say otherwise would be a lie. I only need to look at the evidence that clearly proves I tend to have control issues. I am often frustrated when my meticulous schedule for the day is messed up somehow, and I catch myself getting angry when others do not act the way I want them to. We all need to be honest about our tendency to try to do things in our own power. If we cannot own this behavior, then we will remain stuck in that control cycle. Humility is the only way to break the cycle, which means being open and honest about ourselves with others and God. This often starts with being willing to be honest with ourselves.

By grace through faith (trust) we are saved, not just once but moment by moment, and able to do the things He has planned for us.

Unfortunately, we Christians tend to throw around words like “faith” and “trust” to the point that they lose their impact. Merely knowing these important theological words will not free us to live out the destiny God has for us. We must experience these intimately with our Father in Heaven.

Trusting God means trusting who He says He is and who He says I am. When we trust Him, we submit to His will in our lives and are able to experience what He has planned for us. To be able to submit to Him in any way, it is key to trust that His involvement in our lives is motivated by love. We will be prone to trust those that we believe love us, and His love is unconditional. Therefore, it is the most trustworthy of all love that we can ever experience.

Many life experiences whisper to us that He cannot be trusted. Our wounds and fears warn us to self-protect rather than trust Him to take care of us. I believe Jesus’ extravagant love demonstrated before and on the cross was necessary for us to be able to connect with and trust God…particularly after we have lived in this broken world that wounds us each and every day.

Experiencing God’s destiny for us is synonymous with living out of who God says I am.

We cannot take a step into our God-given destiny without knowing who He says we are and then trusting that truth to the point that we act on it. Believing the truth of who we really are in Christ allows us access to God’s power to make decisions based on conviction rather than fear, shame, or some warped human desire that gets us caught back up in the human potential/control cycle.

Rather than reading the Bible to find out what to do, we need to read the Bible while asking “Who are you God and who do you say that I am?”

God is not a fairy god mother we can persuade to do things our way, and the Bible is not a manual on how to reach our human potential. It is much more freeing and helpful to seek Scripture as a source of revealing who God really is and who He says we really are. As God shows us these precious realities, we have access to the truth we need to then trust in our daily lives. And as we walk in these truths, we walk according to the Spirit and into God’s destiny for us: to live out of who He says we are.

As we forego reaching our human potential, we begin to be able to pray the prayer that a hymnist wrote many years ago. “Have thine own way, Lord. Have thine own way.” His way is so much better than mine.

The Labels That Break Our Hearts

Labels describe what we do but we tend to use them to define who we are.

How would you describe yourself? Most of us would say we are a mother or father, husband or wife, nurse, teacher, etc. We label things to define them. Giving things a label gives it a purpose. We do not just label things though. We also label ourselves and other people. Sometimes we wear those labels like a name badge. We work hard to keep the label and make the one that gave it to us very proud. The label itself is usually not a bad thing. It is twisted and turned though when it becomes our identity.

Sometimes we label ourselves and sometimes others label us. Very loving and well-meaning people in our lives put some labels on us. You become known as the person that is funny, smart, skinny, organized, stylish, etc. None of those traits are bad. Part of God’s design was for each of us to have characteristics that we could share with others through our lives.

Characteristics describe us but do not define us. When these traits become our identity, we begin to live through this identity. Our daily life revolves around keeping this identity. We have to always make someone laugh to continue to be funny. We have to study a set number of hours daily to continue to be smart. We can only eat a certain number of calories per day to continue to be skinny. We make a list of rules to follow to protect our identity.

This becomes hard work. Eventually we break. We shatter and flounder around because we cannot keep up the charade. We cannot do all that has to be done to keep our identity. We get tossed around in a sea of frustration, anger, depression, guilt, mood swings, and broken relationships. And this just names a few rocks we may hit. We typically feel ashamed of ourselves. This shame causes us to either work harder or just give up. Either way we suffer. Our relationships suffer.

Grace smooths my edges

Truth is still truth even though we do not always believe it. Even when I am believing that I am only as good as my label God is there with me and nudging me to remember that I am more than a label. He reminds me who I really am: beautiful, made new, loved, accepted, secure, righteous, holy and more. I can feel one way and the truth can be a different way. He does not push my feelings aside as if they are stupid. He acknowledges my feelings. He places others in my path that listen to me through my anger and frustration. He lovingly reminds me that what I do does not define who I am. He smooths out my rough edges as I toss around in the ocean of labels and emotions. As I become smooth, I am embracing the truth of who I am. I am a saint. I am one with Christ. I am Christ in Melissa McLamb.

-Melissa

Ready to Be Wrong

The other day I was in a funk. I had been for a few days. The frustration and feelings of hopelessness were taking over. It was like a snow ball going downhill, growing and growing. Then, all of a sudden I was confronted by someone, and I didn’t like it.

Being ready to be wrong is not usually our first response.

While getting ready for work, my wife turned to me and said, “Do you mind if I tell you what I’m seeing?” I was surprised. My first instinct was to say, “Heck yeah I mind, if you are going to tell me how this is MY fault somehow!”. I felt justified in my feelings and my wallowing in the pity party. I felt right to act that way. However, I dug down deep and made a choice that I don’t always make. I was worn out from feeling frustrated and stuck. I was ready to be wrong.

We tend to value “being right”.

Being ready to be wrong (humility) is underrated in relationships. We tend to favor being right, especially when things get heated. This unwillingness to give up the fight to prove we are right causes a lot of relational damage. As “right-fighters”, we hurt each other and create distance between one another.

Our relationships thrive when we are ready to be wrong.

Bill Thrall once said, “Conflict never destroys relationships. Lack of Humility does that.” This is a transformational truth if we will let it be a reality in our lives. Conflict is not fun, but it is not our relational enemy. Lack of humility is the true enemy in our relationships. It destroys them.

Humility is scary, but freeing and healing.

When my wife asked me if she could tell me something she was seeing in me, it was scary. I wanted to hide my fear behind a wall of defensiveness and anger. I did not want to hear that I was doing something to keep myself stuck. It’s not pleasant to have a mirror held up in front of me when I have egg on my face. However, in this case, thankfully I let her tell me what she had been seeing in me. It was hard truth, but it was from a heart of love. She wanted to love me, and I let her. Humility lets us experience love.

I trusted her with myself in that moment. Not only that, I trusted myself with God as He worked through the words she spoke to me. The readiness to be wrong (humility) opened me up to experience an environment of love and grace. I experienced a freedom I could never have experienced if I had continued to declare my justification for being angry while rehashing everything that was not going my way.

-Neil

But why?

Don’t you just love it when you tell your child to do something and they say “But why?” Sometimes that is a question we just dread hearing. Sometimes, it is a question we eagerly ask. And sometimes, it is a question we avoid asking.

“But why?” can come from a place of manipulation or curiosity

I remember questioning my parents with the “but why” question after being told do something. I had probably been told multiple times! Usually I asked this question in an attempt to prove some point about why I should not have to do what they were asking of me. I am sure they dreaded that question and knew that I was using it to push their buttons! There are other times though that I have asked the question from a truly curious perspective. I like to understand the rationale behind why I am doing something. Asking why helps me fuller understand. Once I understand (not necessarily agree, but understand) the other person’s intent then I can more easily complete the task at hand.

Asking myself “why?” does not come natural

For me, it is much easier to ask “why?” to someone else than it is to ask myself. Sometimes I just do not want to admit and face my rationale or true intent. Ouch! For example, I recently did something that really hurt someone I care about. I became irritated, yelled, accused and placed all the blame on the other person. I did not want to ask myself why I reacted in that way. I did not want to even begin to face the hurt I had caused them. I am very blessed that the other person loved me enough to ask me “why?”. At first my answer was, “because you hurt my feelings.” He was very patient with me and eventually I started asking myself “why?”. I was embarrassed by my behavior and was ready to understand why I had responded the way I did. It was not comfortable to ask myself “why?”. I did not really want to admit that my response stemmed from unmet expectations. I was expecting him to do a certain thing. Now, I had never communicated my expectation but I surely communicated when it was not met!

I do not like to stop and ask myself “why?” I am eating again even though I am not hungry. It is not comfortable to admit, even to myself, that I am procrastinating with food. I do not like to ask myself why I am getting on the scale again today because I know the answer is that I am wanting to punish myself for being “bad” yesterday.

Asking ourselves “why?” is tough but brings freedom

It is no wonder why we would want to avoid asking ourselves the question. But, asking it is freeing. It is a conversation I can have with God and/or others that brings truth into light. Ephesians 5:13 says “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible…” (ESV translation). Once I acknowledge what is really going on, the control it had over me dies. I become free from it’s tangled web of destruction.

Sometimes I am unable to quickly put my finger on the why and sometimes I just avoid asking. God lovingly and patiently waits with me. Others lovingly and patiently wait with me. God wants me to experience the freedom He has already given me. God does not intend for our actions to control us. Let’s ask why and experience His love and grace.

-Melissa

Take a Look at Yourself

This morning, I got ready for work and then went to where Melissa was to ask her a question. I was in a good mood. Well, I was trying to be. After getting a response, she asked me for my insight on another subject. She was struggling with a task she was working on. She wasn’t meeting her goals and wanted my input. I needed more information before giving feedback so I asked some clarifying questions. Part of her answer included the fact that she was “always tired”. My response was, “Whine, whine, whine”. You probably can guess that she was not impressed with my comment, to say the least.

The Aftermath…

In the proceeding conversation, we talked about what I meant and why I said what I said. First, I talked about me being impatient with her, but that just didn’t seem to get to the bottom of why I would be so insensitive. Then I focused on how I felt like she was frequently being negative in what she thought and said. Basically, I was subtly putting the blame on her. Another assessment was that it was just a misunderstanding. Nope, that didn’t seem to hit the mark either. We were searching for the heart issue that led me to disregard my wife’s feelings and struggle, and it finally it hit me.

The “A-ha! Moment” occurs.

I whine too! A lot! For a brief moment, as I was talking with her this morning, I actually wasn’t whining. Then I got angry when I thought she was! This was MY issue, not hers! Paul was right when he wrote, “Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things” (Romans 2:1, ESV). How could I look down on what I perceive as another person’s whine-fest, when I “practice the very same thing”?!

Why do we do this?

One reason I did this, and a possible reason we all do this, is because of the frustration of struggling with something I cannot seem to fix or control in myself. I don’t like that I whine about things. However, I catch myself doing it. I don’t like things that I whine about not changing. Anger sets in because I fail to let go of my expectations and continue to whine when they are not met. This anger brews to the point that when I sense my own type of behavior in others, the anger seeps out. It may come out as a snide, sarcastic comment, or in some other way. I often hurt somebody close to me in the process.

We must be willing to look at ourselves in the mirror.

It is so very important for us to look at ourselves when evidence presents itself that something is wrong. Temptations to blame others, deny a problem with ourselves, and to hide behind some form of angry behavior will be pressing on us. However, we can choose humility over those things and be honest with ourselves and trusted others around us (in my case this morning, it was the one I hurt…my wife). We need to remember that when we see something in someone else that provokes such an angry or, in some other way, hurtful response that it’s likely because of a personal, unresolved heart issue.

Our failures never change God’s love for us.

Because of His unchanging love for us, God wants to resolve these issues that cause us and our relationships such a problem. He knows that we are powerless to manage our wounds, so He is constantly working on our behalf. He desires that we be free to enjoy each other through giving and receiving love. To tap into His power over these things, the first big step is to practice humility. We must acknowledge that, even if someone else has done something hurtful, if we respond with hurtful words and/or actions then THAT reaction has something to do with us. Whether our heart issue is due to hurt (something someone else has done to us) or guilt (something we have done), God can help us sort it out in the presence of humility and set us free from the bondage we are in.

– Neil

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