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There have been many times in my life that I was facing a major decision and simply did not know what to do. Frustration would well up in me as the deadline approached. I would think, or even yell out loud, “God, why will you not just tell me what You want me to do!”.

Googling His Will does not produce a definitive answer.

Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if it did, though? Actually, I just googled this subject to see what I would find. Of course, there was no clear, concise answer. I predict this approach would have been even less helpful if I had actually been searching for a specific answer regarding a decision I needed to make. A lot of cool Scripture verses popped up, loaded with truth. However, reading over them all just seemed overwhelming and confusing. These random Scripture verses mentioned His Will and even gave examples of what it might look like, but they fail to deliver what I want in the moment: a specific answer on what to do next!

We can “google” in others ways. We often search through self-made lists of pros and cons or ask others for advice. I tend to analyze situations profusely, looking for the “right” decision, all the while hoping God will eventually send me a message via a burning bush or something! His Will seems so mysterious and evasive.

There is a common thread when it comes to what God wants, regardless of the situation.

Fear of making the “wrong move” can paralyze us. It would be extremely helpful if we could have one, simple thing to refer to whenever we get lost in confusion regarding a relationship issue, a job change, or any other decision we may face. Thankfully, even though there must be a thousand examples of doing what God wants us to do, there IS one thing that stands out as important, no matter what.

Several years ago, I was faced with an invitation to become an Interim Youth Pastor at a local church. I had no idea what to do. I truly wanted to do the right thing. I prayed all week. As the deadline approached to let the pastor and deacons know my response, I still had no answer from God on what He wanted me to do. Either way, I would have obstacles to face.

With no clear answer from Him, I just had to take a step forward or remain frozen. I decided to take the position. I knew it would require a lot out of me, facing my fears of public speaking and the unknown of a position I had never been in before. Very shortly after making the decision, I received confirmation from God of my decision. I thought, “Really? Why couldn’t you have told me this sooner?”

Above all else, God wants us to…

Trust Him. That’s the ultimate thing God desires. That is His Will for us. In deciding whether or not to take the Youth Pastor position, faith was exercised in simply making a decision, not finding and making the right decision. Regardless of what I chose, He wanted me to trust Him to be with me on the other side of it.

Faith produces the ability to push forward with difficult decisions.

In the midst of a major, potentially life-changing decision, God would rather us trust Him than do anything else. He desires the intimacy that comes with that trust. That does not mean weighing out our options is not important when needing to make a choice. It’s just that it should come second to trusting Him. Many decisions really have no inherently right or wrong answers. In other words, we could trust Him, regardless of which direction we take. Faith produces confidence and peace when we are at a crossroads and do not know which way to turn. Knowing a loving Heavenly Father is there, proud of us no matter what, makes all the difference.

When people come to see me for counsel, regardless of the reason, there is one question that almost always comes up at some point: “What should I do?”. When we have been rejected by a friend or family member, we want to know what we must do to earn their acceptance again. When we are struggling with a habit that is leading to problems for us, we want to know what we can do to rid ourselves of that behavior. When things are just not going our way, we want to know what to do to make things go our way! When facing anything that causes pain and suffering of any kind, we simply want to know what to do to change it.

The focus on self-effort was around long before self-help books even existed.

We are not the first people in this world to seek what we should be doing in order to get what we want and rid ourselves of our nagging problems.

²⁸ Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” ²⁹ Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:28-29, ESV)

The people in this passage had been following Jesus around for a while. They were becoming very much infatuated with the miracles they had witnessed (making a big meal of fish and bread, healing the sick, etc.). Then they asked the big question. It sounded very godly, the way they worded it. “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” However, what they truly meant was more like this: “What can we do to achieve more things, like the miracles we’ve seen you do?” Jesus’ response likely baffled them. Instead of telling them what things they should be doing, He simply stated that the work they should be focused on was trusting Him. Jesus highlighted “faith” as the important thing to focus on, not behaviors they should change or new things they should add into their routine.

We love things to do.

As a whole, those of us in church settings love to be busy. We routinely have many committees set up and activities planned. These things are not inherently bad. In fact, many of these things are important in reaching out to others, connecting, meeting needs, and allowing people to enjoy getting involved and using their God-given talents in a fulfilling way. However, many times we overdo it. Having something to do gives us a false sense of control. We wind up initiating far more than is necessary, busying ourselves with many to-do lists. We eventually lose the joy in doing those things we plan, and it all becomes a chore. We find ourselves tired, hurt, and even angry. Then, we might even feel guilty for feeling those ways!

What we need is less about doing, and more about trusting.

“What should I do?” is not the most helpful first question to ask, even in the pit of despair. Much better questions to ask are, “How can I trust God in the midst of this?” or “What might God be doing in this situation?”. Both of these questions focus on what Jesus was stressing to His followers in John 6. He wanted them to realize the need to rely on trusting Him, while forsaking the reliance on self-effort (things they could do). Of course, action is important. The Book of James stresses the need for action, but it is always in response to faith. When we ask the question of what to do without first relying on trusting Him, we bypass the only thing that can set us free.

Actions based on trust are much more fulfilling than actions based on…well, anything else.

Since faith is what truly pleases our Father (Hebrews 11:6), we are free from trying to please Him by striving to do more. And because faith is what truly sets us free in Christ, we can find freedom from anything in this world that threatens to bind us up in feelings of anxiety, frustration, and hopelessness. Something that sounds so simple is not always so easy to live out. While a focus on doing makes us feel like we are in control, faith requires us to surrender control. That loss of control can be very scary. However, it is much more productive to struggle with trusting Him than to struggle with trying to identify and carry out plans of action that never seem to measure up.

This past weekend I experienced one of the coolest moments in my life. Late Saturday morning, I stood at the finish line of the North Carolina 2A Mid East Regional Cross Country Championship. I was looking for my son to round the final curve. The first few guys ran by. Then I noticed another coming around the curve. It appeared that he had on a black jersey. “That’s not him,” I said because his high school colors are blue and white. I was not surprised, as I knew the course was a tough one. I began looking for the next runner. However, as he came out of the shade and the sunlight hit him, the jersey was not black. It shown bright blue. “It’s him!” I cannot explain the emotions that came over me at that moment. He completed the 5K (3.1 miles) with a time that even he was astonished with.

As proud as I am of him for coming in at 6th place with the kind of course and competition he was facing, my excitement over this is not exclusively tied to where he finished in the line-up. I have watched my son struggle before and during this Cross Country season. Growing and maturing as a high school senior, he has been faced with things that have challenged him on several different levels. He has made good and not-so-good decisions along the way. However, he has faced the consequences, no matter what. He has been afraid at times, but he has pushed himself beyond his fears. I know he will most likely have more difficult times to face as he moves forward in life, but I am thoroughly thankful that he has had a glimpse of who he really is deep inside. He’s tough, passionate, strong, and courageous. Although he struggles and is afraid at times, he does not have to allow fear to dictate what he will do. Sports can be a good or bad thing for us. In this case, it was a very good experience.

Some people appear to struggle more than others, but life, for all of us, is difficult. We are faced with fears every single day. We repeatedly face rejection, failure, and all other kinds of pain and hurt. It’s easy to forget there is a purpose to all of this.

²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. ²⁵ Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. ²⁶ So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. ²⁷ But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27, ESV)

Paul used the illustration of a race to describe how we can approach life. A race requires preparation. There will be things along the way that discourage us from practicing and from pushing forward in our training. Even though they are not enjoyable, we learn from obstacles and even our failures. We will be tempted to lose sight of the ultimate goal of finishing strong in the race. We will be tempted to believe we are not good enough. We will be tempted to forget the fact that challenges along the way only prepare and strengthen us so that we CAN finish strong. We will be tempted to give up many times, taking the easy way out. Sometimes, we will make bad decisions. We will be tempted to compare ourselves to someone in the lane next to us, instead of looking ahead to deal with what is directly in front of us. It all is a part of the race.

We must stay confident, but to do this, we need to know and believe the truth about our coach. Is He fair? Is He supportive? Is He training us properly? Has He given us all the tools we need to finish the race well? The answers to these questions are “yes”. God has not set us up for failure. He has a plan for us that will be carried out successfully. Paul makes mention of not running aimlessly. Faith keeps us focused. Trusting God every step of the way is like a runner following his daily schedule of running, cross-training, eating a healthy diet, and getting plenty of rest in preparation for the big race. And like my son, we may very well be astonished at how strong we finish. And then we will hear the words we’ve either knowingly or unknowingly been waiting to hear from our Father for a long time: “I’m proud of you son/daughter!”.

Over the past several years, I have discovered a tendency that can rob me of any joy whatsoever in interacting with others. It’s called “people-pleasing”. I honestly never thought I would find myself in the position to write this post from personal experience. As self-centered as I have been at times in my life, one might would think making everyone happy is the least of my worries. Being in the helping profession opened up many things in life. Along with exercising a desire to help others, apparently a door was also opened for this people-pleasing temptation. This post is specifically for people that share in this struggle to make others happy.

Pleasing others is an impossible goal.

The first twisted thing about people-pleasing is that is impossible. The best we can hope for is that others decide to be pleased with our efforts. At any time, they can decide not to be pleased. Even if we are doing what has seemed to work in the past, they may react differently. It’s always up in the air how others will respond to our efforts. Bosses, husbands, wives, friends, parents, children…they all can be the target of our desire to make someone happy. And when people-pleasing is our focus, they all have the power to crush us at any time.

Pleasing others is a self-destructive goal.

We will blame ourselves. It’s inevitable. When we have taken it upon ourselves to make others happy, we have essentially put all the responsibility for another’s happiness on our shoulders. So, when it doesn’t work out, we beat ourselves up. We may get angry. We may store up that anger, not wanting others to see it. We may eventually blow up in a fit of fury, surprising everyone around us that is used to us trying to make them happy all the time.

Pleasing others is a control issue.

That’s right. Unbelievable, I know. We people pleasers are actually struggling with control issues. In attempting to please others, we have fallen into attempts to “make others happy”. Notice the word “make”. It implies we think we have control over another person’s emotional state. Again, others can choose to be happy or sad in response to our efforts to please. We cannot “make” anyone happy. Period. That is the hard truth we must swallow. We can do things that we know another person “can” enjoy and be happy about. We can be responsible TO others in what we do, but not responsible FOR their responses.

Pleasing others is idol worship.

This is the toughest part to see sometimes. I admit, I chose a strict title to this section of the post in order to grab our attention as people-pleasers. I did not do this to encourage us to wallow in guilt, so please avoid going down that path, if at all possible. I promise, it will not help. Guilt is a common weapon used against people-pleasers. It’s a weakness for most of us. It drags us down and encourages more people-pleasing efforts. But, at the risk of some guilt slipping in, we do need to acknowledge a fact here. When we make our goal to make others happy, we have chosen a master. We have chosen the one(s) we will look to for our needs to be met. And the ones we choose are people, NOT the One who can actually meet our needs. In other words, when we attempt to make others happy, we are trusting in them to make us happy. We are not happy unless they are! And, remember, they can choose not to be happy anytime they want, making us unhappy right along with them!

The cure for pleasing others is simple, but hard to do.

Surrendering the effort to control others through people-pleasing is like jumping out of a plane for us. We must know, without a doubt, that our parachute will open up at the right time, landing us safely on the ground below. Trusting in the parachute to do what it is built to do is like trusting God to be who He says He is. He makes huge claims about taking care of us. He promises to meet all of our needs. He states that He is pleased with us in Christ. He says that He loves us no matter what others think or say. His acceptance of us is not based on whether or not we do enough for Him. It may not be easy for us, but God-pleasing is much simpler than people-pleasing. It is based on one thing: faith. He is pleased with us when we trust Him (Hebrews 11:6). That’s it. Nothing more. That’s His desire. That is the foundation of everything else, including doing things that can be pleasing for others…when they choose to receive it. When we rest in the fact that He is pleased with us, the desperate need to please others fades away.

Have you ever noticed how stories change as they are passed down from person to person? Even in the little game many of us played as children in which you sit in a circle and pass a story around, by the time the story gets to the last person, it is often completely different than what the original person said. Sometimes it has to do with our human mind being unable to remember all the details. Therefore, we fill in the gaps, often unintentionally. However, there are those times we just cannot help but to embellish a story so that it is more dramatic, drawing more attention.

An element of truth is tainted or lost altogether when we do not go to the source of what we are looking for.

Take social media as an example. I cannot count how many times I have read an update about an event, only to find out later the details were…well, just a bit off. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram have their place in social networking. However, they just are not the best source for truth. The fact is, it is rare to get the whole truth when a story has been passed down. Regardless of what we are reading or talking about, to get solid truth we must go to the source: someone who experienced the story first-hand.

If we have trouble remembering and communicating truths about everyday events, then we have trouble with truth regarding God as well.

If we can admit that we often fail to properly disperse truth about events, people, and other things, it’s important to acknowledge it must also be happening with our image of God. We are very capable of verbally communicating untruths about Him (purposely or unintentionally), and we can also do it with our behavior. For instance, after we have been rejected by people enough times (and yes, this means in church circles, too), it’s really hard not to get the message that God must be rejecting us, too. Although Scripture clearly states He is not like us, we tend to believe He is just as distant, smothering, controlling, unfriendly, demanding, hateful, aloof, angry, critical, and unforgiving as the people we encounter routinely in this world, including ourselves!

It is of massive importance that we seek truth for ourselves.

Second-hand testimony is a great thing, but it cannot sustain us forever. As powerful as it can be, the effects are often short-lived. And the last thing we need is to feed on a steady stream of gossip about God, through words OR behavior. We need the truth in a deeply personal way, and we need to experience it for ourselves so that we are inclined to believe it for the long term. This not only affects how we view Him, but how we view others and ourselves. Distorted images of Him lead to things like anxiety, depression, and grudges. Truth about who He is leads to things like peace, joy, and loving others.

What we believe about God affects every aspect of our life.

What we truly believe about God determines our view of everything. When we are fed untrue stories about God, it can lead to false images of Him that distort everything else. If key people in my life have been aloof with me, then I might see my Heavenly Father that way. If God is aloof, then I believe I must not be important. If I learn, incorrectly, that He is critical, I learn to work endlessly to please Him, or just give up in a state of hopelessness when I believe I cannot. If He is unforgiving, I must not be good enough (and no one else may be in my eyes either). The list of possible effects goes on infinitely. The Good News is we can find the truth about Him for ourselves. Scripture has a wealth of knowledge about Him. Jesus reveals to us His true nature. The Gospel Message tells a story that clearly reveals His true attitude towards His children. And He even reveals Himself to us through experience as we walk with Him. He pursues us with a passion unlike anything else we can experience. It is nice to pass our stories around, but it is essential that we get first-hand knowledge so that we can experience and remember our own stories regarding Him.

While walking one day, two men encountered a man begging for money. This man had been unable to walk his entire life and, actually, had to be carried to and left at places that others might see him and be inclined to offer financial help. These two men did not have what he was looking for. They had no money at all.

We often do not have what others say they need from us.

We often feel pressure when others approach us for help. Some have lost a loved one and are grieving. Some are seeking advice regarding a big decision. Others are like the man mentioned previously, looking for something tangible like money to pay an overdue bill or food to eat. Sometimes when we find ourselves face-to-face with someone genuinely in need, we quickly realize we have exactly what they are asking for. However, there are many times in which we simply do not. In these cases, what is the best action to take? We can bluff our way through, but that does not seem best. It’s definitely not helpful to offer ill-advised solutions to problems, advice on things in which we have little knowledge, or money to someone who we are almost certain will use it irresponsibly.

Giving people what they ask for is often not the best thing to do.

The fact is, we all have a tendency to ask for things we do not really need, all the while believing strongly it is EXACTLY what we need. Sometimes we want confirmation from someone that what we are doing is right, when it really is not. Other times we want someone to give us something, when we really have not earned it. Often we want someone to make us feel better in the moment, even though it will not provide lasting help for us. In these types of  situations, what is asked for is not a need at all. Most of the time, it is not even in the best interest of the person asking for it that it be given to them. In light of the truth of the situation, it becomes obvious that it is okay not to give the person what they ask for.

More times than not, it is better for a person to receive what is available rather than what they seek.

Let’s go back to the original story. The two traveling men noticed the lame man and heard his request for money. One of the men, named Peter, looked at the lame man and said, “…I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” (Acts 3:6, ESV). At this point, the man received not what he asked for, but what Peter had available. Peter had been granted the ability to heal others, so he gave the man this gift instead. I am quite sure this was far beyond what any money could have provided for him.

It takes a tremendous step of faith to exchange what we have with each other when its not exactly what we wanted.

When we are in Peter’s position, or the person looking for help, it is good to remember one thing: that moment is a special, planned moment in time. God has ordained that moment, providing exactly what is needed. We may not have the gift of healing, as Peter did, but each of us have something special to offer others, even if it does not seem special to us. What is available should not be frowned upon as unimportant or “not what we had hoped for”. From my experience, we rarely have exactly what others seek from us, and others rarely have what we seek from them. Whether we have the inclination to sit and listen to someone share their story of hurt, the time to provide a meal, the knowledge to build a wheelchair ramp, the patience to accept someone who is typically rejected for their behavior, the courage to speak the truth in love, or just a smile and a nod, it is good to give those things away because it is what God has provided you with in that special moment. What God provides through us and others is far greater than what we think is needed.

Years ago, I consistently lived life with what may seem to be a strange motto: “I don’t care”. The pressures of life were increasing at the time. Fears I had not experienced before were popping up all over the place. I was faced with decisions that would affect people and things in my life in a big way. The increasing number of everyday challenges increased the threat of personal failure. I felt an overwhelming urge to run.

Sometimes we can escape without physically running away.

Under all of the pressure, I lost my sense of control. This is where we all are tempted to devise a mask to hide behind. In my desperate search for a solution, I found the only way I could continue to have some control over things. I began telling myself and others, “I don’t care”. If I failed a test, I said, “Oh, who cares?”. If I did something that hurt someone I loved, I said, “Whatever, I don’t care”. If someone hurt me…again, I said, “I don’t care”. If I suspected I might fail at something, before I even got started I would assert my “don’t care” attitude. This way, if I failed, I could say it was due to not trying in the first place. Basically, instead of truly facing fears and responsibilities, I ran away with my motto, “I don’t care”. I avoided and stuffed negative feelings associated with irresponsibility, failure, rejection, and hurting others.

We often wind up buying into the lies we tell others.

After at least two years of living behind this mask, it all came crashing down. All of a sudden, these things I said I didn’t care about caught up with me. Anxiety, depression, and sheer panic replaced the care-free attitude I had run off with. It was as if I actually DID care about the things I said I did not care about. Actually, that was it exactly! However, I had stuffed it all inside with my mask until there was an explosion (or implosion would be more accurate). I had been lying not only to others, but to myself as well. I had bought into my own lie.

Facing the truth, especially after living a lie for a long time, will turn your world upside down.

Now I was faced with a seemingly horrific truth. I actually did care about the ones I hurt, my grades in school, finding a career I enjoyed and could do well in, being accepted, and whether or not some of the things I was doing to myself would have lasting consequences. All of those avoided feelings came rushing over me. No wonder I was panicking. I had created a world that did not exist. I had created a person that did not exist! Now the real me was exposed to the real world, a world in which I cared!

It is good to give away control over the things we care about most. 

With my mask of “not caring” powerless to give me what I want, God worked endlessly on setting me free from it. There is a twist to the truth with which I was presented. I can both care about something AND let go of trying to control it. However, that option seems frightening. Why?

We must first KNOW God to TRUST God with ourselves, others, and other things we care about.

The fact is, we tend not to trust God due to the fact that we have a false image of Him. Our earthly experiences have taught us lies about Him that affect our ability to surrender control. By constantly pondering the question “Who is God?” while reading the truth provided to us in the Bible, the answers we encounter make Him more appealing to us. Instead of looking for what He can do for us, it is much more helpful to look purely for HIM. Instead of a spiteful God, sitting up on a cloud waiting for us to mess up so He can smash us, we discover that He loves us unconditionally like a father is meant to love his child. Instead of forcing His way into our lives, we discover He gently calls to us and “woos” us into a relationship through His love, like a husband is meant to love his wife. Instead of an aloof God who has too much going on to be involved, we discover a Father who wants intimate involvement 100% of the time. This is not a Father who belittles us and points out everything we do wrong. This is a Father that values us and considers us righteous. When we truly believe someone views and loves us like that, we can trust that person with things most important to us. We can take off whatever mask we have constructed. If we have run away, like I did, we can finally return home.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22, ESV)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7, ESV, emphasis added)

Being in the counseling ministry now for seven years, one of the stigmas I have found attached to counseling is that it includes a therapist in a nice, comfortable chair and a “patient” on a couch. The therapist often is eating a sandwich, repeatedly saying “hmmm” and “oh, how did that make you feel?”. Although there are counseling techniques, biblical truth, and professional responsibility involved in the process of Christian Counseling…in reality, the experience for me has included building a relationship with those I am blessed to meet along the way. In fact, it is a necessary, central part of it.

Small talk doesn’t heal.

Talking about the weather, asking about someone’s weekend, and even asking the proverbial question “how are you doing?” are all a part of this thing we call “small talk”. It is a part of everyday interaction with others. As long as it is treated as a crack in the door for building deeper relationships, it is a healthy thing. However, endless small talk is not healthy. It requires nothing of the ones engaged in it. We can hide our hurts, struggles, and even act like someone we are not. Excessive small talk in the absence of any deeper conversation has no healing power because neither party actually gets to know the other.

A relationship based on trust is necessary in order to be deeply beneficial. 

One thing I love about sitting down with others who are seeking counsel is that the probability of authenticity (being real) increases greatly in such an environment. Confidentiality creates a safe environment for the one seeking help. There is small talk, for sure, especially in the beginning. Again, it is a natural part of building the relationship. However, both people involved typically have the goal of it going further. At some point, risks are taken to take off the every day masks, and a deeper relationship is formed. The environment of acceptance, wanting to understand, and willingness to listen encourages and invites realness and openness. This healthy, trusting, and safe relationship becomes a hospital for hurt people. That includes the counselor, by the way!

Relationships can promote healing.

God works through relationships. Without a doubt, knowing Scripture and knowing techniques is important, but without the relationship, those things are rarely used in a way that is helpful. Until we know we are accepted, loved, and safe, there is little chance anything coming from the other will get through to us, let alone promote healing in us. Think about how we seek advice. When we truly want advice (not just seeking for someone to tell us what we want to hear), we seek out someone we know loves us…someone who provides an environment of grace. Even if they do not know the answer we are seeking, we know whatever input they have is valuable because it comes from someone who truly cares for us. A person with “all the right answers” has little to offer if they have not taken the time to get to know us.

We all need deep, meaningful relationships.

Deep, meaningful relationships are not based on fear, distrust, and small talk. We all have a need for a place where we can be ourselves, the good and the bad…a place where we are accepted for who we are…a place where we are safe to tell the truth…a place where we not only do not have to hide, but we actually want to come out of hiding…a place where we do not have to be fixing something constantly to feel okay…a place where we are genuinely loved. These Grace-filled places exist because God has fought hard to establish them. Through the work of Christ, we have that kind of relationship with the Father, even when we have trouble finding them with people. But because others have found it with the Father, as well, we can find and enjoy them along the way. They will not be perfect, but it’s worth the risk.

Things to remember while seeking deeper relationships…

First and foremost, if we are not trusting God and receiving His Grace ourselves, we cannot provide it for others, and we fail to see it available through others. When we trust Him, we receive and offer His Grace. We can know we are receiving and offering that Grace when we talk less, listen more, trust more, risk more, seek to understand, give and receive love, and find ourselves enjoying the process. Oh, and do not forget, do not worry that you may not have any groundbreaking advice for someone who approaches you for it. Also, do not worry when you cannot find someone with the answers you seek. What we all really need is someone who loves us to listen and, maybe, just maybe, provide some input based on that love. God works through that kind of relationship. The pressure is not on us. He can handle it.