Being in the counseling ministry now for seven years, one of the stigmas I have found attached to counseling is that it includes a therapist in a nice, comfortable chair and a “patient” on a couch. The therapist often is eating a sandwich, repeatedly saying “hmmm” and “oh, how did that make you feel?”. Although there are counseling techniques, biblical truth, and professional responsibility involved in the process of Christian Counseling…in reality, the experience for me has included building a relationship with those I am blessed to meet along the way. In fact, it is a necessary, central part of it.
Small talk doesn’t heal.
Talking about the weather, asking about someone’s weekend, and even asking the proverbial question “how are you doing?” are all a part of this thing we call “small talk”. It is a part of everyday interaction with others. As long as it is treated as a crack in the door for building deeper relationships, it is a healthy thing. However, endless small talk is not healthy. It requires nothing of the ones engaged in it. We can hide our hurts, struggles, and even act like someone we are not. Excessive small talk in the absence of any deeper conversation has no healing power because neither party actually gets to know the other.
A relationship based on trust is necessary in order to be deeply beneficial.
One thing I love about sitting down with others who are seeking counsel is that the probability of authenticity (being real) increases greatly in such an environment. Confidentiality creates a safe environment for the one seeking help. There is small talk, for sure, especially in the beginning. Again, it is a natural part of building the relationship. However, both people involved typically have the goal of it going further. At some point, risks are taken to take off the every day masks, and a deeper relationship is formed. The environment of acceptance, wanting to understand, and willingness to listen encourages and invites realness and openness. This healthy, trusting, and safe relationship becomes a hospital for hurt people. That includes the counselor, by the way!
Relationships can promote healing.
God works through relationships. Without a doubt, knowing Scripture and knowing techniques is important, but without the relationship, those things are rarely used in a way that is helpful. Until we know we are accepted, loved, and safe, there is little chance anything coming from the other will get through to us, let alone promote healing in us. Think about how we seek advice. When we truly want advice (not just seeking for someone to tell us what we want to hear), we seek out someone we know loves us…someone who provides an environment of grace. Even if they do not know the answer we are seeking, we know whatever input they have is valuable because it comes from someone who truly cares for us. A person with “all the right answers” has little to offer if they have not taken the time to get to know us.
We all need deep, meaningful relationships.
Deep, meaningful relationships are not based on fear, distrust, and small talk. We all have a need for a place where we can be ourselves, the good and the bad…a place where we are accepted for who we are…a place where we are safe to tell the truth…a place where we not only do not have to hide, but we actually want to come out of hiding…a place where we do not have to be fixing something constantly to feel okay…a place where we are genuinely loved. These Grace-filled places exist because God has fought hard to establish them. Through the work of Christ, we have that kind of relationship with the Father, even when we have trouble finding them with people. But because others have found it with the Father, as well, we can find and enjoy them along the way. They will not be perfect, but it’s worth the risk.
Things to remember while seeking deeper relationships…
First and foremost, if we are not trusting God and receiving His Grace ourselves, we cannot provide it for others, and we fail to see it available through others. When we trust Him, we receive and offer His Grace. We can know we are receiving and offering that Grace when we talk less, listen more, trust more, risk more, seek to understand, give and receive love, and find ourselves enjoying the process. Oh, and do not forget, do not worry that you may not have any groundbreaking advice for someone who approaches you for it. Also, do not worry when you cannot find someone with the answers you seek. What we all really need is someone who loves us to listen and, maybe, just maybe, provide some input based on that love. God works through that kind of relationship. The pressure is not on us. He can handle it.