Category: Posts by Melissa

If you had asked me if I liked being in control my response would have quickly been NO! Even my temperament says that I don’t have a desire to control myself or others. I’ve been talking with others and reading some stuff recently that God has used to open my eyes to ways I do control.

I am reading a book with a friend titled “Grace for the Good Girl”. There’s a part in the book where the author describes a situation she encountered at a local bookstore. She watched a little girl trying to decide if she should purchase a package of pretty pencils or an activity book. Her father told her she could get one thing. She was very torn about what she should get. The author could tell that the girl really wanted the pencils but she also really wanted to do what she “should” do so she asked her father for his opinion. He told her it was her decision but he also explained that the pencils required trimming and wouldn’t last as long as the activity book. Again he said that it was her choice though. She felt that her dad wanted her to get the book. The author put herself in the little girls shoes and thought about what she would do. She decided that she probably would have gotten the activity book just to make sure her dad was pleased with her decision but deep down would’ve been sad and blamed her dad in her mind for this sadness. The author kept watching to see what happened. The little girl walked out with pencils! The author was so proud of her but it also brought out shame and guilt for how she made decisions in life.

This is a perfect example of how I “quietly hide” control. There’s a few things going on here. I don’t want any problems. I don’t want anyone upset with me or to think I am stupid, incompetent, etc. I control how they see me but inside I’m sad. And one of the biggest things…….I don’t think I’m important enough for my desires and opinions to be special or more important than someone else’s. That’s what it really boils down to. But I don’t really want that known so I just “control” how things play out. I would’ve definitely walked out with the activity book.

I’m chewing on all of this with God right now. He says that I am special. He says that I am worthy. He gives me desires. He killed my old self and made me new. That is done. That is true. I just don’t always trust in that truth. That’s when the shame creeps in and I instead start believing that I’m not enough.

The only way to recognize these lies for what they are is to know and trust in the truth. I can just keep telling myself to stop. Then that just reminds me that I’m a failure when I can’t and the cycle continues. The only thing that combats lies and darkness is truth and light. Letting God tell me truths and experiencing them little bits at the time brings in the light. I have to know the truth before I see the lies.

We are in and out of valleys. I’m not always wallowing in this. When I trust that God is delighted in me and that I am worthy then I experience Him and others in a different way. I recently had a birthday. Neil kept asking what I wanted to do and really wanted it to be all about me. I could have easily bought into the lie that I’m not worthy and chose things that I thought he wanted so he would be happy. Instead, I experienced the love he was giving me by enjoying my favorite things. I experienced God’s love for me through Neil. We both enjoyed each other. There was no hidden control. There was only freedom to love and experience love.

-Melissa

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People that know me know that I have an interest in tasty and healthy real food.  I read a lot about how different foods can be used as medicine and about the different food trends of today.  I really enjoy reading about and cooking things from scratch verses buying pre-made items.  While I don’t think anything is wrong with me enjoying these things, I have an unhealthy relationship with food at times and that is something I don’t typically share with others.

There’s a few reasons why I like to keep this hidden.  One major reason is that if I’m discovered then I will look like a hypocrite.  I will look like a weak failure that doesn’t completely and always practice the things I say are important.  So, I hide my “failures”.  I sneak in my “guilty pleasures”.  Then I hide my shame and guilt for what I’ve done.  Well, I say I hide this stuff but the symptoms manifest themselves loudly and affect not only me but those around me also.

I have done different cycles of fad diets and diets where I avoided eating certain things in hopes of making myself feel better.  Some of this was a recommended trial by my doctor and some of it was just from my own advice.  Again, I’m not saying it was a bad thing for me to eliminate certain things, and I strongly believe that there are very unhealthy things in our food that I would recommend avoiding as much as possible.  I think for me though, I was not allowing myself any freedom.  Because of my rules, at times I am not even experiencing the things I enjoy. I do not always tell myself that I can avoid unhealthy ingredients as much as possible.  A lot of times it is all or nothing in my mind.  Then I fail.  I eat something from my no-no list and immediately the shame kicks in.  How could I expect to help others with healthy diet choices if I can’t do it myself?  When I “cheat”, I usually continue to “cheat” the rest of the day.  I will overeat and eat as many of my no-no foods as possible.  I mean I had already failed, right?!?!  But here’s the kicker:  I do most of my “cheating” in private.  I sneak most of it so no one sees me fail.  I feel like an imposter.

Keeping things hidden only fuels the shame and guilt.  It keeps the cycle going.  The symptoms of shame and guilt build.  Then the hidden “cheating” just grows until I’m completely miserable.  What’s next?  You guessed it, many days of not “cheating” to make up for it.  So I feel better now, right?  WRONG!  The cycle just starts again.

The only way to break the cycle is to stop the hiding and bring these things out into the light.  Usually I talk with my husband, Neil, after I feel completely miserable.  Usually he’s sensed that something is not right with me.  He has noticed that I avoid intimacy with him, weigh myself more, am very irritable and am usually complaining about my stomach hurting!  So, while I may be hiding what I am doing, I am not hiding the effects it has on me.

Not allowing things to be hidden anymore does not mean that I will never fall into this pattern again.  It does mean that I know the power to break the cycle when I do.  Not hiding actually allows me the freedom to do what I would tell others to do, “listen to your body, enjoy food & make healthy choices as much as possible, but when you can’t or don’t it’s okay to enjoy that to”.  It’s freedom…freedom to fail and freedom to experience the things I love.

-Melissa

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I love The Sound of Music! It is full of beautiful songs that get stuck in my head quite often.  Just the other day I was getting dressed and “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria” suddenly came to my mind.  I kept singing it and wondering why in the world it was stuck in my head!  It made me want to watch the musical……again!

After singing it a few times in my mind I started thinking more about the story. Maria was a nun living in a convent.  She was very different than the other nuns.  She got “lost” in her own world quite often and this caused her to appear disobedient.  She would wonder about admiring the beauty around her and sing about it.  She smiled a lot and always seemed so happy and full of life.  Her sisters were more serious and felt that obeying all the rules was a must.  They would easily get frustrated with Maria hence the song “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria”.  Do I have you singing it in your head yet?!?!

Mother Superior knew Maria was different than the others. I am not saying that the other nuns were wrong or bad.  They fit that environment well and flourished there.  Mother Superior knew that Maria did not.   Mother Superior had a decision to make.  Would she force Maria to become like the others and obey all the rules or would she let Maria go so she could live out of who she really was?

She knew Maria would have to put on a mask and hide her true self in order to fit in there and “be solved”. She did not want that for Maria.  She wanted Maria to experience the freedom that comes from living out of who she was created to be.  She found Maria a place that she felt would allow that freedom.

At first, Maria did not see it that way. She wanted to go back to the comfort of what she knew.  She was telling herself that wearing a mask was easier than authenticity.  But something happened.  Maria began to trust the children she was caring for with herself.  She let them inside her world.  Relationships began to develop.  Trust grew and they began to let Maria inside their world.  She extended grace to them when they did everything they could to make her go away.  She comforted them when they needed it.  She listened to them and gave advice when asked.

Living out of who we are does not just mature and grow us….

Embracing the love God has for us does not just mature and grow us….

It flows out of us and we are able to experience our relationship with God through others. Mother Superior loved Maria and because of that she helped Maria see that she was perfect and loved just as she was.  She did not need to change.  She helped her embrace who she was and out of that Maria experienced freedom.

-Melissa

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I had been a Christian for many years when I realized I didn’t really know God…….

I was recently talking with some friends and was able to put words to this reality I had faced several years ago.  It felt like I had been punched really hard in the chest.  I didn’t know God for who He really was.  I didn’t know me for who I really was and therefore no one else really knew me either.  You talk about a mix of emotions!  This led to denial, anger, cynicism, sadness, etc.  And at times, I still deal with these emotions from this. 

I had been feeling that something wasn’t exactly right for quite some time but really didn’t want to admit it and really didn’t know what it was that wasn’t right.  Also, I struggled with what might happen if I admitted that I’ve been serving a God that I really didn’t know?  Would He nod His head and say, “Yep, she finally sees that she never was mine” or would He say “Wow, she finally sees that striving to please me is not what I’m about”? By God’s grace and mercy He showed me it was the latter. 

I had been believing that Christianity was all about doing things for God and keeping Him happy with me.  I thought the only way to keep Him happy was to do, do, do.  I would read the bible and attend church just because I was supposed to.  While neither of those things are bad, I wasn’t maturing.  I still felt that I had so far to go before I would ever get things right with God where He was pleased with me all the time.  No matter how hard I tried I would never be enough.  So, the mask came on.

More masks were applied with all the different things I tried.  As long as I looked like I had it all together and was a good Christian then that’s all that really mattered right?  Unfortunately, at times I still believe the lie that whispers I’m not enough.  Then the striving begins all over again.  But that is not what God is about.  He knows when I’m seeing Him through the lens of guilt, shame, and lies.  He continues to pour His love and grace on me and will continue to do that until I see Him for who He really is.  When I am trusting in His grace, I am no longer striving.  I mature as I begin to relax into His love.  I then begin to see who I really am and can trust others with the real me. 

I invite you to watch John Lynch with Trueface ministries tell his Two Roads talk.  This message is so powerful and opened my eyes to the grace God shows me every day.  I still catch myself performing for God and others. I’ll admit that at times it’s hard to truly believe that I don’t have to do anything to make God love me more and nothing I have done or will do can make Him love me less.  I am still wrestling with the emotions that came from this punch in the chest.  While the punch hurt, it brought freedom like I had never experienced. 

-Melissa

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