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This past weekend, I was riding around with my wife, listening to music. The song “Rocket” by The Smashing Pumpkins came on. I have probably heard this song no less than 10,000 times (I am a huge Pumpkins’ fan), but for some reason on this particular day, the meaning of this song really jumped out at me like never before. Here are the lyrics that caught me initially:

I torch my soul to show
The world that I am pure
Deep inside my heart
No more lies

Keep in mind, this is my interpretation of the song, but I hear the songwriter, Billy Corgan, struggling with the fact that he has been trying so hard to earn other people’s approval that he has lost himself in the process. If you listen to the whole song, not just the lyrics above, Corgan goes further to state that he misses himself, the REAL man behind all the masks he wears to try to convince others he is something he is not. He has had glimpses of who he really is, but it has faded to only a dream now. He buys into the lie that there is something inherently wrong with him, so he needs to hide himself and be what he thinks others want him to be. Apparently others have made comments confirming the lie, and he has bought into them wholeheartedly. However, he has grown weary of living a lie and wants to be free…free to be himself and not just an actor (hypocrite) for those around him. He desires to “bleed in his own light” and actually live the life he has been dreaming about: being who he was created to be, whatever that may look like…free from the critical voices of all the people around him.

I know everyone is not like me. Some are huge people pleasers, some are not. I see myself looking to a few voices in my life at a time, never too many, but just enough to get me off track at times (it doesn’t take much of looking to what others think to make one stumble). The Enemy loves to heap condemnation on me through not only my struggle with failures, but what others might think of those failures. I begin to think, at times, that maybe God looks at me the same way…disappointed with me, shaking His head at my performance that’s never quite good enough.

Paul talked about being a people pleaser:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, ESV)

When I catch myself trying to please others, worrying myself over getting their approval, I am not serving Christ. People, or at least their opinion of me, becomes not only my focus, but my idol. In those moments when their approval is my priority, I am giving them the power to tell me who I am. My identity rests in the hands of those that I look to for acceptance. If they disapprove of me, I believe I am worthless. If they approve of me, I feel great temporarily, but then I have to work hard to keep the approval coming, losing any sense of who God really created me to be in the process. Like Corgan masterfully said in the song, “I torch my soul” trying to prove myself.

Walking by Grace through Faith is so tough. The fear of what others think is a sinister weapon of the Enemy that I need to make myself aware of on a daily basis. Surrendering to God and holding onto His Truth concerning my identity in my Savior Jesus Christ is the only thing that will set me free…free from the drive to please others, free from the condemnation felt in the criticism others dish out, and free to be the man God created me to be. No matter how I feel or what others say, I am who God says I am, and He is pleased with me.

The song title, again, is “Rocket”. I believe Corgan intended this to illustrate his freedom as he rockets away in the sky, away from all the phony masks he has created in attempts to gain the approval of others. At the risk of sounding a bit cheesy here, I guess the real rocket for us is God’s Truth. Without it, we would remain slaves to what others think of us, or some other worthless idol that only keeps us meandering around on the ground instead of soaring off into the sky to experience what God has planned for us.

Those that really get to know me eventually get to see a struggle that surfaces for me more than I would like it to. I think many of us have that one thing that typically pops up…that one thing that is evidence in our lives that something is up. Like a “check engine” light on the dashboard of my car, anxiety is that one piece of evidence that repeats itself in my life. It screams at me to check out what’s going on.

I am convinced that all emotions and behaviors are like this, if we will allow them to be. James put it this way, “But someone will say, ‘You have faith and I have works.’ Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works” (James 2:18, ESV). We cannot separate what we believe in and what we do. We do what we do and we feel what we feel because of either trust in the Lord or lack of it. Trusting the Lord means believing the Truth. If I lack trust in Him, I am left with nothing but to believe a lie because I am not centered in His Truth.

The title of this entry is “Performance-Based Worth”. The reason for this is that performance-based worth is a core issue that I find leads to anxiety for me. When I believe that my worth is dependent upon what I do or don’t do, anxiety is the result. The reason for this is simple, there is always uncertainty when I am relying on my own performance to grade my value. Sometimes I do a great job at something. Other times I do a terrible job. I always run the chance of it being either way. When I rate my performance as good, I feel good. When I rate it as poor, I feel bad. When I strive for the great performances, I am always anxious when I connect the end result with my own personal worth.

I have also noticed with myself, as well as others, that performance-based worth leads to two kinds of behavior: striving or giving up. There have been times in my life when I have been in striving-mode. I work as hard as possible to accomplish my goal(s), all in an effort to maintain my sense of worth. However, there comes a time that I may find the task of completing the goal impossible, and I just give up for a while. Striving and giving up are two very different behaviors that are both evidence that at that moment in my life, I am believing that my worth is dependent upon my ability to accomplish my goal(s).  

Perfomance-based worth is completely and utterly contrary to the Gospel. God says that my value is not dependent on my works. My worth is not tied to my ability or inability to accomplish goals that I set for myself (or that others set for me). The works I may allow to dictate my worth are not exclusive to big or small things. They include a day at my job, the way I handle a temptation to give into a habitual sin, a conversation with my son, a responsibility at home such as a household chore, the way I handle a disagreement with my wife, whether or not I can figure something out, and other seemingly big and small things. My goals may be to be a perfect father, to be a perfect husband, to be the best counselor, always getting everything done, to not make a mistake, and to know all the right answers. Sounds ridiculously impossible when I state them here, but I find myself often shooting to accomplish those goals (or similar ones) and basing my value on my performance.

So, I know that my value is not in what I do, although I admit I struggle with believing this at times. Addressing this begins with acknowledging the evidence in my life that proves I am not walking by Grace through Faith. For me, anxiety, striving, and the attitude of just giving up are the typical red flags. Others may have different things to look for in their lives. But where, then, does my value come from? I need to trust God’s Truth here to be set free when I am in bondage to the lie that I must do great to be worth anything. I was created in God’s image, to glorify Him, therefore I have inherent value based on this from the very beginning. No one is worthless because everyone is created in His image. However, there is the problem of sin. Due to my inability to overcome this, my righteousness is solely dependent upon Jesus Christ. Trusting in Him sets me free, in every way. I am free to be who God created me to be. I don’t have to strive to be something I’m not. Nothing can steal this righteousness away from me, not even my inability to do the right things. I often relate back to Paul in Romans 7:15-19 (ESV) because he well understood our inability to do the right thing and to avoid doing the wrong thing:

15 “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Although my righteousness is secure in Christ, I can act as if its not and subsequently feel that I am no good, a failure, and worthless. This happens when I don’t know the Truth, stand firm in it, and act it out. Praise the Lord that even when I fail to trust Him, He is faithful.

24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7:24-25, ESV)

Guilt. I hate this feeling. I often will do anything to avoid it. I talk to people all the time about this painful emotion in their lives because it is a common complaint. As painful as it can be, it is a powerful motivator. We use it in relationships all the time as a weapon, throwing blame back and forth, trying to make the other person feel guilty so we can maybe get what it is we are after at the time. Guilt doesn’t feel good, so I want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. We pass it back and forth like a hot potato. That can easily lead to me blaming someone else in an attempt to alleviate the guilty feeling. I think, “If it’s someone else’s fault, then it’s not mine…phew!”. I completely avoid looking at my own heart in the process, but hey, “At least I don’t feel bad”. I manipulate the situation and the other person so that I feel better (temporarily). Nothing good develops in a relationship with someone when this is the path we choose. Manipulation and love cannot coincide.

And if guilt isn’t enough to overtake me, fear often is. And because of the extremely negative feeling that guilt is, I believe we can easily develop a fear of feeling that way. I mean, who wants to feel guilty? Therefore, I try to avoid it upfront if I can.This often leads to me doing things I don’t want to do in an effort to not be in the position that I will feel guilty later. The downside is exhaustion from taking on too much, and that leads to frustration. This anger will affect my relationship with those that I am “doing things for”.

I recently got hit with a load of feeling guilty. In this case, it was not induced by someone specifically trying to manipulate me to feel guilty. Instead, this time it hit me as I realized inaction on my part in someone else’s life may have hurt that person. I struggle to sort through guilt when it occurs…to figure out if I actually did something wrong or if I am needlessly beating myself up for something.

When feelings of guilt hit, I question: “Is the burdensome emotion true conviction or is it condemnation?” The Holy Spirit convicts us when we do wrong. There is a feeling that goes along with this that I do not need to ignore. However, the Enemy loves to heap feelings of condemnation on me as much as possible. The trick is, for me anyway, that I can confuse feelings of condemnation with conviction. Therefore, I can be easily deceived here if I am not careful to discern what is actually happening. For example, with my recent experience with feeling guilty, I may give into the lie that I am condemned and beat myself up for something, and believe me, it doesn’t take long of that for me to be depressed. However, if I am being convicted, I need to know that and take action. But which is it?

As best as I can tell at this point, conviction sends a message which goes something like this: “You have done something wrong”. Condemnation sends a different message, which goes like this: “There’s something wrong with you”. There’s a significant difference between these two. Conviction from God points out a behavioral issue. God is not surprised by my behavioral issues. He knows I need Him to come along beside of me during those times. I can’t fix them myself. If I try, I’m not walking by Grace through Faith. He lovingly nudges me with conviction and asks me to trust Him in some way to move forward with Him in addressing the real issue: lack of trust in Him. Condemnation from Satan tries to convince me I am internally flawed, worthless, and rejected. Specifically for me, here are just some of the lies worked into the condemnation I feel at times: “You are an idiot, you are a complete failure, you are a terrible person, and you always mess everything up”. Satan says these things, but disguises himself as “an angel of light” so that I think it is God doing it to me.

In my recent experience with feeling guilty, I have come to a conclusion. It was not a case of figuring out whether I did something wrong or was needlessly beating myself up…it was accepting that it was BOTH. There was true conviction, but I allowed condemnation to creep in on it. I had hurt someone in my life. When that was brought to my attention by God, I almost immediately began listening to the lies. I took a behavioral issue that God was wanting to work with me on and turned it into an argument that I was a complete failure to God and this person in my life. This was a massive overreaction to the situation. Walking by Grace through Faith here is focusing on His Truth about who He is and who I am in the presence of feeling guilty. It is moving forward by trusting and living in the mercy that God provides for me and the fact that I am not behaviorally perfect. I can apologize to the one I have hurt and trust in God’s redeeming work in both our lives. I can trust that, although I make mistakes and hurt people, I am still acceptable to Him because He chose me in Christ before time even began. It’s a done deal. I am His child. When He looks at me, He sees His creation, made perfect in Christ, and He is well pleased.

I was reading over Matthew 18:1-9 yesterday morning and couldn’t help but to pause and ponder God’s Truth in verses 7 and 8.

“Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!” (ESV)

Temptations to sin are necessary for me? Really? Nice God. That means, to me, that stumbling blocks or hurdles along the way are not only annoying things that just happen to me, but important, meaningful moments in my life. Sure, I could blame the devil for them, but the Truth is God allows temptation because He knows it is necessary for me. It was necessary for Christ, because He went into the wilderness to be tempted. But for what?!

I began to think about this, and, as of this morning, do not have all the answers. Big surprise right? However, I do have a few thoughts about this that have given light to temptations as they arise for me. God’s Truth has also challenged some lies I often believe when I struggle and often give in to temptations.

First of all, if I am to live by Grace through Faith, my battles involving temptation are not about me working hard to overcome my sin. It can’t be about that, or I wouldn’t need Christ to rely on, to trust in, when I struggle. The very fact that I cannot overcome the temptation to sin proves that I need a Savior all the time. I can choose to allow my insufficiency to drive me to Him when I struggle. This is faith. I can also choose to give in to the temptation. Here, I believe a lie. An example might be me believing that whatever that sin offers is greater than what God can provide. I can also choose to fight against the temptation myself. Here, I might believe the lies that I can set up enough accountability with others or develop enough strength in myself to modify the behaviors I’m struggling with. Regardless of what it is that motivates me to give in or fight with my flesh, it is a lie.

So, temptation is an awesome opportunity. It is an opportunity to take a step of faith, to trust God. Temptations are always full of lies. Those lies tell me something opposing God’s promises, who God really is, and who He says I am as His child. The real battle with temptation is best understood by me in 1 Corinthians 10:5. I must take my thoughts captive and force them to obey Christ. I must take time to actually take a look at what is going through this crazy head of mine. Anything that opposes what God says is a lie. I must choose the Truth over any lies that are present in my heart at the time. This is an act of believing in God. It is not easy, but it is possible…something conquering my sin outside of living by Grace through Faith is not. The battle is won when I live in His Truth.

But what about when I fail? I must be honest here, I often fail by giving into temptation to sin and then I beat myself up for it. First of all, my own struggle starts with seeking God’s Truth for who I am and who He is. If I believe lies such as “I am rejected by Him”, “He is disappointed in me”, or “I am a worthless failure and I will never be good enough”, I will proceed to beat myself up. Believing those lies leads to acting out those lies as if they were true. As more hurdles come, I either work harder in my own strength to try to over come them, or I just give up and give in to them. I get further and further into the darkness that is the main power Satan has: deception. This is a power I give him by believing the lies. The Truth is, living by Grace through Faith is a moment to moment thing. When it comes to what I need to do to move forward, the moment after I sin is no different than the moment when I am tempted to sin. I need to trust in His Truth. It’s not about how much or little I sin. It’s much more about…”right now, am I going to trust Him”? I can trust Him whether I just turned from or embraced a temptation to sin. I’m not a worthless failure. In Christ I am His child and a saint. He is not disappointed in me because my behaviors are not perfect. He rejoices in the fact that His Son is perfect and wants me to trust that His righteousness is now mine. And He has not and never will reject me. He accepts me just how I am and loves me in a way that I cannot even begin to take it all in. When I believe things like that, He gets the glory and I get to experience freedom in Christ.

Maybe the title for this post is a bit extreme…maybe not. There is no doubt that temptations are a struggle for us (“woe to the world for temptations to sin” – Jesus), but perhaps they do not need to be so despised and dreaded. I can walk by Grace through Faith whether I have turned from or committed a sin. Does this mindset provoke me to sin more? No. If I am motivated to sin, then I am not truly walking by Grace through Faith. I am believing yet another lie. When I truly realize this amazing Grace that God has freely offered me, it causes me to cling to Him more…trusting Him more.