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Being in the counseling ministry now for seven years, one of the stigmas I have found attached to counseling is that it includes a therapist in a nice, comfortable chair and a “patient” on a couch. The therapist often is eating a sandwich, repeatedly saying “hmmm” and “oh, how did that make you feel?”. Although there are counseling techniques, biblical truth, and professional responsibility involved in the process of Christian Counseling…in reality, the experience for me has included building a relationship with those I am blessed to meet along the way. In fact, it is a necessary, central part of it.

Small talk doesn’t heal.

Talking about the weather, asking about someone’s weekend, and even asking the proverbial question “how are you doing?” are all a part of this thing we call “small talk”. It is a part of everyday interaction with others. As long as it is treated as a crack in the door for building deeper relationships, it is a healthy thing. However, endless small talk is not healthy. It requires nothing of the ones engaged in it. We can hide our hurts, struggles, and even act like someone we are not. Excessive small talk in the absence of any deeper conversation has no healing power because neither party actually gets to know the other.

A relationship based on trust is necessary in order to be deeply beneficial. 

One thing I love about sitting down with others who are seeking counsel is that the probability of authenticity (being real) increases greatly in such an environment. Confidentiality creates a safe environment for the one seeking help. There is small talk, for sure, especially in the beginning. Again, it is a natural part of building the relationship. However, both people involved typically have the goal of it going further. At some point, risks are taken to take off the every day masks, and a deeper relationship is formed. The environment of acceptance, wanting to understand, and willingness to listen encourages and invites realness and openness. This healthy, trusting, and safe relationship becomes a hospital for hurt people. That includes the counselor, by the way!

Relationships can promote healing.

God works through relationships. Without a doubt, knowing Scripture and knowing techniques is important, but without the relationship, those things are rarely used in a way that is helpful. Until we know we are accepted, loved, and safe, there is little chance anything coming from the other will get through to us, let alone promote healing in us. Think about how we seek advice. When we truly want advice (not just seeking for someone to tell us what we want to hear), we seek out someone we know loves us…someone who provides an environment of grace. Even if they do not know the answer we are seeking, we know whatever input they have is valuable because it comes from someone who truly cares for us. A person with “all the right answers” has little to offer if they have not taken the time to get to know us.

We all need deep, meaningful relationships.

Deep, meaningful relationships are not based on fear, distrust, and small talk. We all have a need for a place where we can be ourselves, the good and the bad…a place where we are accepted for who we are…a place where we are safe to tell the truth…a place where we not only do not have to hide, but we actually want to come out of hiding…a place where we do not have to be fixing something constantly to feel okay…a place where we are genuinely loved. These Grace-filled places exist because God has fought hard to establish them. Through the work of Christ, we have that kind of relationship with the Father, even when we have trouble finding them with people. But because others have found it with the Father, as well, we can find and enjoy them along the way. They will not be perfect, but it’s worth the risk.

Things to remember while seeking deeper relationships…

First and foremost, if we are not trusting God and receiving His Grace ourselves, we cannot provide it for others, and we fail to see it available through others. When we trust Him, we receive and offer His Grace. We can know we are receiving and offering that Grace when we talk less, listen more, trust more, risk more, seek to understand, give and receive love, and find ourselves enjoying the process. Oh, and do not forget, do not worry that you may not have any groundbreaking advice for someone who approaches you for it. Also, do not worry when you cannot find someone with the answers you seek. What we all really need is someone who loves us to listen and, maybe, just maybe, provide some input based on that love. God works through that kind of relationship. The pressure is not on us. He can handle it.

Rejection is a difficult thing. Even for those of us who claim “I don’t need anybody anyway!”, deep down, it hurts really bad when we find out others have left us out, said negative things about us behind our backs, or even just pulled away discreetly without saying much. The anger and tears at those times are both indicators of how bad it hurts.

Rejection is not necessarily evidence that we are somehow deserving of it.

Often we feel guilt and shame when we are rejected, believing that we must be unacceptable somehow. We may believe we must have done something to deserve others deciding to reject us. Rejection is not an indicator that something is wrong with us inherently, although it may feel that way, especially after repeated bouts with it. And although all rejection hurts, it is not necessarily an indicator that we have done something wrong, either.

Rejection is a choice.

Rejection is something others decide to do to us, and it is something we decide to do to others. In other words, no one has ever MADE someone reject them. No one has ever been so “bad” or “messed up” that others had no choice but to pull away. It is a decision that is made, based on the rejecter’s views, understandings, and beliefs. Many times, these are faulty.

Rejection can be evidence that you are doing something right.

One of the most common types of rejection occurs in dysfunctional families. One family member often winds up attempting to pull away from the dysfunction and be healthy. That person is commonly labeled “the bad guy”, and the other family members team up and attempt to guilt, shame, or scare the healthier person back into the dysfunctional way of life. Those family members still caught in dysfunction would rather hold onto something they know than risk trying something different. In this case, the brave family member attempting to find a healthier way to live is rejected…for trying to be healthy! And this type of rejection is not restricted to families. This happens in groups of friends, classrooms, offices, churches, and any other environment in which people are grouped together.

When we are rejected, we need a tremendous amount of acceptance in order to heal.

Rejection is quite powerful. Positive thinking, finding new friends, and things like that are nice and may be somewhat helpful, but they are not a cure. Rejection screams something is wrong with us. It convincingly states that we should feel guilty, not good enough, or stupid. It tells us to “just give up!” or “try harder!”. To overcome such a hurtful act, the only real help is to be fully accepted. To be lasting and helpful, this acceptance cannot be from the same place we received the rejection. Acceptance from people just won’t do because it is never enough. This acceptance must not have any conditions. It must be fully aware of all of our imperfections, and be okay with them!

Perfect, healing acceptance comes from our Father.

Our Heavenly Father is the only One capable of this kind of acceptance. Often, this is only head knowledge and not reality for us. Instead of allowing His acceptance to define us, we allow what other people think to be a stronger influence in our lives. For each of us, the steps of faith out of this mindset is a bit different. We each have unique lies that the Enemy has planted in us that contradict the truth of who we truly are. Rejection is one tool used to perpetuate the lies. Pursuing our true identity, according to God’s Truth, is necessary in order to begin noticing the difference between what is true and what is not about who He is and who we are. According to Scripture, He freely accepts and loves His children unconditionally, never rejecting those who trust in His Grace through Jesus. He chose, is choosing, and will continue choosing to offer His Grace to us. He delights in us. He made us new creatures in Christ, fully acceptable to Him. And one beautiful side effect of living in His acceptance is that it compels us to offer this same Grace to others, instead of consistently allowing rejection to haunt our relationships.

My mother-in-law recently discovered a hobby she thoroughly enjoys: finding and collecting sea glass. She takes short or, sometimes, long walks down the beach, scanning the sand for these little treasures that are hidden amongst all the shells, rocks, and other things you typically find on a beach. Sea glass is regular broken glass that has been weathered by the ocean to form smooth edges and a frosted look. Of course, different colors of sea glass can be found, depending on the color of the original bottle, tableware, or even glass from a shipwreck. I found out this past weekend that green sea glass is rarer than other colors, or at least it is at this particular beach. To be honest, I found myself not so interested in this hobby of hers. Do not get me wrong, I was happy to see her enjoying it the way she does. It just did not seem like something I would be interested in. However, that changed a bit this past weekend when I was walking towards the water to cool off.

We can make anything stressful.

Typically, when at the beach, I like to sit, talk, read, or listen to music. I walk down the beach, some, as well. It is very hard for me to slow down and enjoy time like this. I find myself wanting to be busy with something…searching for something to accomplish. It may be “reading so many pages of this book”, or “listening to a certain podcast”, or “having a certain conversation about something”. As relaxing as any of these things can be, I can find a way to make it stressful.

Strenuous self-effort wears us out and often gets us no where.

On this particular day, as I walked towards the water, something shiny and green caught my attention. It was directly in my line of sight, in the path that I was walking. I bent down and picked up a pretty piece of green sea glass. For whatever reason, this spurred my interest in finding more. So, I was off down the beach, scanning everywhere for another piece, but I could not find one. I decided to give up and turn back. Not many steps later, there was another piece, white this time, directly in my path. The thing was right there. I could not have missed it. It was like my eyes found it without all the effort I was putting into it before.

We often find the treasure we are looking for when we quit looking so hard for it.

This went on several more times. I would dig down, scanning the ground like a madman, critically sorting through all of the debris on the beach with my eyes, not wanting to miss one thing. Only when I would let down my guard and allow myself to enjoy the walk while casually remaining aware of what was right in front of me would I find shards of sea glass. I think I wound up finding five, and all five were found in this way. Not one piece of this treasure was found through anxious, borderline obsessive-compulsive behavior (OCD).

Slowing down and chilling out often requires us to face our fears.

God really spoke to me clearly through this experience. He knows how I am. I find something I want, and I go after it like a crazy person. I often fail to wait for his lead. I also miss important things I would enjoy that are right in front of me because my eyes are darting all over the place, looking for the very thing I am stepping right over. But it is scary to slow down, to move forward instead of retracing my steps looking for things I may have missed, and to trust that what’s right in front of me is enough. This fear drives the anxiety, the busyness, the OCD-like behavior, and the thought that I will be missing something if I am not in a constant state of alertness and busyness. I often do it with my job, my hobbies, and my relationships (as a father, husband, or friend). But I cannot get around this without dealing with the fears. The list of possible suspects goes on and on: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid, fear of being a disappointment, fear of hurting someone, fear of being a bad parent, etc.

The true treasures in life are found and experienced through Faith.

There is no fear in love. When I trust (have faith in) God’s love for me in Christ, fear is immediately dissolved. In His love for me, He meets my needs. Trusting Him to provide what I need, on the path that I am currently on, is hard. I am tempted to look elsewhere for the treasures I seek, and when I succumb to those temptations, I miss the experience of treasures He has laid out in front of me like a piece of sea glass on the beach. Who would have thought you would find sea glass by Faith? Well, maybe that’s a stretch, but in the bigger picture of life, those pieces of “sea glass” are right there for us as we take steps of faith along the way. God has blessed us, is blessing us, and will bless us in ways that we cannot fully grasp. I do not make it happen, which would be ridiculous because 99% of the time I do not even know what I truly need. But He does, and He does not withhold anything from me, even when I do not understand it at the time. For example, who would have thought I would have gotten so much from a piece of sea glass that I had absolutely no interest in before this past weekend?

A discussion with a friend through email the other day led to tears for me. Of course, thankfully, this was easy to hide from a friend on the other side of cyberspace. It started with a question, a theological one that was concerning her. It was a good question, and I had a lot to say in response. I had quoted to her from Matthew 19:13-15. Okay, maybe I paraphrased it…I’m not always the best at quoting word for word. Readers of my blog get the benefit of me being able to look these things up beforehand.

Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-15, ESV)

The part that stirred my emotions was how Jesus said to everyone around him, “Let the little children come to me”. Remembering this story, and reciting it to a friend literally brought tears to my eyes. I noticed that I was fighting back tears, so I told my wife. I read what I had typed in the email to her, trying to figure out what was going on, and had even greater difficulty hiding the emotion the second time I revisited the act of Jesus insisting the children be allowed to come to Him.

I began pondering the whole thing, searching for answers. I thought about why the disciples were shooing the kids away from Jesus. Maybe the disciples thought the kids would be a bother, disturbing Jesus and others who were there. Maybe they thought the kids were not serious and disciplined enough to be in His presence. Maybe they thought it was a waste of time for Jesus to lay hands on and pray for little ones who might be too young to understand what was going on. Perhaps they thought the kids were not knowledgeable enough or mature enough to really get anything from hearing Jesus. Regardless, Jesus interrupted and insisted the children be allowed to come to Him.

Was I connecting with those kids and how the disciples might have viewed them? I know I have felt like a bother, more times than I can count. I know I lack discipline in many ways. I can be very serious, but sometimes I avoid serious situations and hide behind jokes and fake smiles. I often feel like I do not know nearly enough to be taken seriously. I worked my way down all the ways those kids might have been viewed, and in spite of it all, Jesus wanted them with Him. This truth was so freeing to me, it caused me to let down my guard and cry.

God reminded me through this special moment that my worth is not based on knowledge, discipline, being serious and reverent, or even being pleasant to be around. God wants to be around me when I think no one does or even should. His Grace is sufficient. The relationship He has established with me in Christ is not unstable at all. It’s actually quite secure.

Understanding the importance of being a safe place for others that come to me for counseling, I watch for the evidence of trustworthiness in my life. I look to see if I am being real, being vulnerable and willing to share my heart, being honest, being humble, being selfless, being a safe place for others, and other important indicators of a person who is trustworthy. When I catch myself failing at any of those (or all at the same time!), I want my first reaction to be to take an inventory of my heart. I want to know what I am allowing to control me other than Truth and Love that comes only from walking by Faith in God’s Grace. Sometimes it is fear, sometimes it is guilt or shame, but one thing is for sure: when I find myself lacking those qualities, I know something is up.

It sends a message to others when I choose not to trust them.

Despite diligence in guarding my heart, I have been missing something. My son, whose relationship IQ is far above mine, has repeatedly told me how it hurts him when I don’t trust him. I hate to admit, many times, I have skirted this issue. I have been dismissing this concern of his in my mind by rationalizing that there are just some things he does not understand about parenting, and this is one of them. I have found myself frustrated when he does not trust my motives when I say “no” to things.

In an environment full of rules with no grace, motives are always in question.

Last week, I was reading a book while on vacation, and a light bulb came on for me. I often focus a lot more on the rules than I do the actual relationship. What does it really say to my son when I choose not to trust him? Should he trust me if I am not willing to trust him? When I put myself in his shoes, I thought, “No way do I trust people who refuse to trust me. I am suspicious of their motives! I almost immediately consider them untrustworthy! ”

Trustworthy people are willing to trust.

Although I know my son will make behavioral mistakes along the way, I can still choose to trust the heart God has given him. My willingness to trust him, and others, creates an environment of Grace. Trustworthy people reside in Grace-filled environments. They are willing to risk disappointment and heartache when others let them down. They kindle real relationships in which both parties are more likely to remove masks and be themselves. Their motives are often assumed to be good, where the motives of a critical, non-trusting person are often questionable. Yes, we will get hurt. Yes, we will be tempted to put the walls back up at times. Yes, we still need healthy boundaries in relationships to protect us from toxic situations. But just like our relationship with God, when we choose to trust, we have the opportunities to receive wonderful blessings along the way.

Trust is central to healthy, rewarding relationships.

Through trust, we give and receive love. Through trust, we accept others and are accepted. Through trust, others know they are safe with us, and us with them. God loves working through trusting relationships to meet needs. It has nothing to do with whether one is perfectly trustworthy, and everything to do with a God who can be trusted to work in and through imperfect people. Once again, Faith (trust) proves to be the key to experiencing everything He has for us in Christ.