Author: Neil McLamb

This morning, I got ready for work and then went to where Melissa was to ask her a question. I was in a good mood. Well, I was trying to be. After getting a response, she asked me for my insight on another subject. She was struggling with a task she was working on. She wasn’t meeting her goals and wanted my input. I needed more information before giving feedback so I asked some clarifying questions. Part of her answer included the fact that she was “always tired”. My response was, “Whine, whine, whine”. You probably can guess that she was not impressed with my comment, to say the least.

The Aftermath…

In the proceeding conversation, we talked about what I meant and why I said what I said. First, I talked about me being impatient with her, but that just didn’t seem to get to the bottom of why I would be so insensitive. Then I focused on how I felt like she was frequently being negative in what she thought and said. Basically, I was subtly putting the blame on her. Another assessment was that it was just a misunderstanding. Nope, that didn’t seem to hit the mark either. We were searching for the heart issue that led me to disregard my wife’s feelings and struggle, and it finally it hit me.

The “A-ha! Moment” occurs.

I whine too! A lot! For a brief moment, as I was talking with her this morning, I actually wasn’t whining. Then I got angry when I thought she was! This was MY issue, not hers! Paul was right when he wrote, “Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things” (Romans 2:1, ESV). How could I look down on what I perceive as another person’s whine-fest, when I “practice the very same thing”?!

Why do we do this?

One reason I did this, and a possible reason we all do this, is because of the frustration of struggling with something I cannot seem to fix or control in myself. I don’t like that I whine about things. However, I catch myself doing it. I don’t like things that I whine about not changing. Anger sets in because I fail to let go of my expectations and continue to whine when they are not met. This anger brews to the point that when I sense my own type of behavior in others, the anger seeps out. It may come out as a snide, sarcastic comment, or in some other way. I often hurt somebody close to me in the process.

We must be willing to look at ourselves in the mirror.

It is so very important for us to look at ourselves when evidence presents itself that something is wrong. Temptations to blame others, deny a problem with ourselves, and to hide behind some form of angry behavior will be pressing on us. However, we can choose humility over those things and be honest with ourselves and trusted others around us (in my case this morning, it was the one I hurt…my wife). We need to remember that when we see something in someone else that provokes such an angry or, in some other way, hurtful response that it’s likely because of a personal, unresolved heart issue.

Our failures never change God’s love for us.

Because of His unchanging love for us, God wants to resolve these issues that cause us and our relationships such a problem. He knows that we are powerless to manage our wounds, so He is constantly working on our behalf. He desires that we be free to enjoy each other through giving and receiving love. To tap into His power over these things, the first big step is to practice humility. We must acknowledge that, even if someone else has done something hurtful, if we respond with hurtful words and/or actions then THAT reaction has something to do with us. Whether our heart issue is due to hurt (something someone else has done to us) or guilt (something we have done), God can help us sort it out in the presence of humility and set us free from the bondage we are in.

– Neil

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It is a fact that children learn a great deal of important things from their parents. We imitate them, or strive not to imitate them, depending on our experience growing up. Either way, we are strongly affected by what we see our mothers and fathers do and not do. The way a parent handles their child’s heart is arguably the greatest influence in the development of that person’s perspective on life and relationships, behaviors, and fears.

In Ephesians 5, Paul started off using this depiction of a parent-child relationship as an example that we can connect with. He wanted the readers to embrace their role as children of God so that we could be open to learning from Him. However, right there in the first verse we can get off track quickly if we miss some key truths.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2, ESV)

God is different than our earthly fathers and mothers.

While there is no doubt that many parents display the image of God in wondrous ways, no one is perfect. Therefore, all parents fail and send messages to their children that distort the true image of our Father in heaven. These failures can lead to false beliefs that cause us to view things from a marred perspective. For instance, a child whose father was not present may tend to view God as being distant, uninvolved, and uncaring. The reason for such a view of Him is that a child in that circumstance has had painful experiences in life with a key relationship that typically sets a primary example in understanding what other relationships are supposed to be like. This leaves the child lacking in experiences to see God in any way other than in the image of the father they experienced as a child: one who was absent. It also sends a message regarding how that child should view himself or herself. There’s a wound inflicted that says something to the effect of “you are not worth my time and attention”.

It is important to read passages in the Bible with an open mind.

Reading a passage such as Ephesians 5:1-2 may spark some concern for those of us who struggle with our image of God. This concern is even more pronounced for those of us who have not yet realized the false image we have of Him due to past hurt and lies we have been told. Therefore, it is amazingly helpful to go into it with an open mind, willing to allow God to reveal the truth about who He is. It will be helpful to share our thoughts on this with trusted others who can be a way for Him to speak to us and offer new experiences to replace our old, wound-filled perspectives on Him and what we see when we gaze into a mirror.

Thankfully, Paul does not leave us in a position where we must rely strictly on our past to determine what to look for in our God as we dabble with the reality of “being His child”. In Verse 2, he mentions “walk(ing) in love, as Christ loved us”. This phrase points to an all-important image of God. God loves us. He is the perfect parent that loves us unconditionally. He is consistent in His love, never having an “off day” and swaying from it. All of his actions regarding us are motivated by His love for us.

I love how “The Message” translations says it:

Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Love, love, love. It’s all about His love.

The result of us embracing this amazing love that He has for us is indicated when Paul says “And walk in love” in the ESV translation. He does not mean for us to strive hard to love when our own “love tank” is empty. Walking in love means living a life of being loved! Walking in His love, we get filled to the brim with it. Then, we get to offer it to others around us, and it’s not a chore. He created us in a way that we thrive on being loved and loving each other. It’s a huge part of who we are as His children. The Message translation above actually holds off to the end to make the point that we shouldn’t try to start out with loving others without first embracing the love He is offering us (notice the “love like that” statement at the end).

Live a life of being loved first, then loving others.

So, let’s spend time embracing who we are. Ephesians 5:1 says to imitate God…as beloved children. It doesn’t say do your best to be like God. We just don’t have it in us to do that! What we CAN do, however, is embrace His love for us and let Him work in and through us. Realizing the need for something outside of us to save us, just a little bit of humility brings us to our knees before Christ. By His grace we are saved through that faith in Him. Our identity is founded in Jesus. He is in us and we are in Him. We are God’s children. Imitating Him begins with embracing His love for us. We will not walk perfectly in it, but a little bit goes a long way. As much as we can, let’s surrender ourselves over to Him and let Him love us. Let’s make “being loved” our primary focus. When we don’t feel it, it doesn’t mean He is failing to love us. There’s times in this difficult life that we just do not experience the reality of Him loving us. He loves us often when we are failing to receive it. It’s okay. He doesn’t give up on us. He keeps pursuing us and wooing us into receiving His love. Let’s pray that we can see how He is loving us right here, right now. It may be in a way that you will not receive it unless you surrender your idea of what it should look like.

-Neil

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What is God doing in my life?

This is a question that I think we fail to ask ourselves enough. It is a simple inquiry, but if explored in depth and consistently, this question can ground us. It can provide hope. It can alleviate fears and anxiety. It can offer a sense of belonging and being loved by a God that is, in fact, very involved in our day-to-day lives.

I met a man when I first began serving others as a Christian counselor. I trained under him quite a bit. I remember he would ask this question frequently in counseling sessions, as I trained under him. “So, what is God doing in your life?!”, he would ask them. I picked up this question and, as I began seeing my own clients, I offered it to them as well. Some would immediately say, “Nothing”. Others would stop and think, but have a hard time deciding what in the world He WAS doing. A few would come up with words that sounded good but were generalizations that could apply to anyone. For instance, “God is watching over me.” There’s nothing personal about that kind of generic involvement!

What if He is ALWAYS up to something in our lives? What if He is constantly active in and around us, never stopping to take a break from us even when we’ve strayed far away from anything resembling fruit of the spirit?

God is relational.

According to Bill Thrall, “Grace is an environment we get to live in”. As a child of God, I am under grace, not law. He’s not just telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. He is very relational. My Father lavishes grace and love on me constantly. Being under grace means God is always up to something. He is massively involved in my life. It is because of desire that He does this, not obligation. I go to my day job out of obligation, so I quit working and go home as soon as I’ve met the obligatory hours. I am not “a job” to God. He is all about relationship. At any given point His involvement in my life may include listening, speaking, guiding, comforting, protecting, teaching, or anxiously and patiently waiting for me to surrender my own efforts to control my life.

God is motivated by love. 

If I make myself truly embrace the truth that the aforementioned depiction of God is accurate and then ponder and possibly discuss with others “What is He doing in my life?”, the sometimes slow unraveling of the answer will present to me an unfolding reality that I desperately need to see and experience. If He is involved, then He is involved because He loves us. We are loved by Him, and we need that love to be real to us. Love does many things in our hearts, minds, and relationships, including the casting out of fears (1 John 4:18) and the covering of a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

God is intimately involved with us.

Being able to see that He is, indeed, involved in our lives may not give us all the answers we would like, but it can give us confidence, security, and direction. Perhaps the question leads us to see that He has things in His hands and is waiting for us to burn out our bondage- and anxiety-producing self-effort, so we can release things to Him and rest. Maybe through the question we discern that He is rooting for us to make a decision and trust Him with the outcome, so we are able to forsake the paralysis of analysis where we overanalyze our options to the point that we are stuck.

So, what is God doing in your life?

Perhaps the thought of the question produces anxiety for us. For some of us, it feels like just another thing to try to figure out. For others, we are scared to find out what He may be doing and what it may require of us. If “the question” produces fear, it is likely that we are failing to see Him for who He truly is. We may need to be reminded of some basic truths, such as the following:

1. He is personable, intimate, and involved (Psalm 139:1-18).
2. He is kind and compassionate. He is not “out to get us” or always looking to teach us a hard lesson (Psalm 103:8-14).
3. He accepts us and is filled with joy and love (Romans 15:7; Zephaniah 3:17).
4. He is warm and affectionate. He is not cold and distant like some of our earthly fathers have been. (Isaiah 40:11; Hosea 11:3-4).
5. He is pleased with me and wants to spend time with me (Hebrews 13:5; Jeremiah 31:20; Ezekiel 34:11-16).
6. He is patient and slow to anger (Exodus 34:6; 2 Peter 3:9).
7. He is loving, gentle, and protective of me (Jeremiah 31:3, Isaiah 42:3; Psalm 18:2).
8. He is trustworthy and wants to give me a full life. His will is good, perfect, and acceptable (Lamentations 3:22-23; John 10:10; Romans 12:1-2).
9. He is full of grace and mercy, and gives me freedom to fail. Failure never drives Him away from us. He just holds us even tighter in his unconditional love (Hebrew 4:15-16; Luke 15:11-16).
10. He is tenderhearted and forgiving. His heart and arms are always open to me (Psalm 130:1-4; Luke 15:17-24).
11. He is smiling when He thinks of me. He is proud of me. He calls me His child. (Romans 8:28-29; Hebrews 12:5-11; 2 Corinthians 7:4).

I realized years ago that the bulk of the anxiety I was experiencing at the time was from the fact that I didn’t believe God was doing anything in my life. With this false perception, I felt left to fend for myself. I had to do all the work and keep everything under control! If you would have asked me if I thought God was present, I would have known to tell you the correct answer. “Yes! Of course He is. He always is present.” However, my actions and emotional state revealed that deep in my heart, I did not embrace the truth of a Father who was immersed in my life, loving me, and relating to me in every way possible. If I had been trusting that God was actually doing something, I wouldn’t have felt the pressure to do it all myself!

So, in closing out this little thought process, I encourage you to take a long look at this question. Carry it with you for a while. Revisit it often. He is ALWAYS present and ALWAYS involved. He is ALWAYS doing something in your life. However, if we fail to make that a reality, we will act as if He isn’t!

Less problems. More money. Less pain and sickness. A better job. More property. More connections. People doing what we want them to do. Subtle manipulative behaviors. Blatant manipulation. A sense of having control over our lives.

Peace. It cannot be bought, created, or found in any of the ways mentioned above. Temporary periods that are absent of quarrels and worry can be achieved through such means. However, lasting peace is available only through the absence of trying to control what happens to and around us. Surrendering our efforts to maintain control is a very scary thing.

Surrender is directly tied to trust. We only allow ourselves to be vulnerable to those we trust. Can God be trusted when we are faced with circumstances or relational issues that could lead to dire consequences? That’s the underlying, burning question when we face difficult times in our lives. Many people would balk at the idea that they might struggle to trust Him. Many of us have been taught that we should never doubt and always trust. “Fake it until you make it”, we are told. Therefore, we dismiss such possibilities because we are afraid to admit failure when it comes to trusting Him. But we do. Life is just too difficult for us not to face a wrestling match with our faith. Admitting our struggle is okay. God desires that we acknowledge it to ourselves, to Him, and to others that can walk with us through those times. Authenticity is crucial if we are to break free and experience peace. This step of faith is synonymous with humility.

It is impossible to surrender our self-efforts to control our lives without first considering what’s necessary for trust to ever take place. Trust is a product of being loved, but not just the idea of love…or knowing that I am loved. Trust is the product of love that is experienced as freely given in abundance when we don’t do a thing to earn it.  If being loved is a reality for me, I will be prone to trust…to surrender control. Does my Father in Heaven love me? Truly love me? Unconditionally? Is He proud of me? Even though I mess up….a lot!? Is He concerned about my daily life…even those little things that seem to throw me completely off course? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Our identity in Christ is founded on being loved. We are loved. He is trustworthy. As we embrace His love, we trust Him. As we trust Him, we live loved, free, and surrender control in favor of experiencing peace.

-Neil

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