Neil McLamb – Page 3 – neilmclamb.com

Priceless

When something goes wrong with the HVAC unit at my home, I have someone I call for help. He has all the knowledge and ability to repair and perform maintenance on the unit, but that’s not the main reason I call him. Of course, those things are important, but there’s something much more important to me. I trust this guy. He does what he says he is going to do. He is dependable. He is honest as well. One time, he made a minor mistake, but he owned up to it immediately. I would have no problem leaving him a key to my house for him to go in while I wasn’t there in order to complete a job. Continue reading “Priceless”

Daddy is Pleased

As I watched my son graduate from college recently, I was beaming with pride. A quick google search provides this definition for the word “proud”: feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one’s own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated. That about sums it up. I know the hard work he put into his education. I know how he put great effort into learning things he wanted to learn, along with things that he did not necessarily care much about. I know how he was met with great professors who walked along beside him and encouraged him over the course of his college years. I also know there were likely professors that were not so easy to get along with. He persisted and prevailed through it all, good and bad.

Although I am thrilled to see him accomplish such a task, I am even more pleased with the young man I know that he is. It’s not all about what he does or doesn’t do. Whether he succeeds or fails at any given task, I have seen first-hand what is inside of him. He is loving, caring, passionate, driven, and discerning. Those qualities are always there (and others as well), despite what circumstances come his way. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow, and I look forward to seeing the impact he will have in the world as he moves forward from this point in his life.

While the emotions of this milestone continue to swirl around within me, I am reminded of something. THIS is how God views us, his beloved children. He is so proud of us. He is pleased when he gazes upon us. He loves watching us be who He created us to be. Yeah, He likes to see us achieve goals and cross finish lines, but whether we do or don’t, he loves us the same. He knows what is inside of us because He created us. We are free from any condemnation (Romans 8:1,2). We are beautiful, forgiven, and complete in His eyes (Colossians 1:14 and 2:10). We are never separated from His unconditional love for us (Romans 8:35-39). He has chosen each of us to bear fruit that He has prepared for us to bear long, long ago…even before we were born (John 15:16).

For those of us who are parents (either biologically or those who have chosen to be one in the life of a child who doesn’t necessarily share the same genes), as we look at them with loving eyes may we remember that we have a Heavenly Parent who looks at us in a very similar way.

-Neil

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Too Risky to Trust?

I am not one who trusts easy. Throughout my life, I have leaned more towards waiting for others to prove their trustworthiness before letting down my guard. I have erred on the side of caution, assuming the worst in others. Self-protection often seems much more important than anything “trust” could offer. Hurt, rejection, betrayal, and a dose of what seems like an inborn tendency to mistrust have all led to this perspective. If those were not enough, my own failures in being trustworthy have added to the belief that trust should be regarded as something dangerous and bound to wind up in disappointment.

Trust is worth the risk.

Wow, what a ridiculous bolded sentence. For those of us who struggle with trust, those five words might strike us as annoying, at the very least. They likely have garnished a quick roll of the eyes. I will admit, I often do not believe that sentence, either. At any given point in my life, only a handful of people experience me turning off my self-security system and allowing myself to trust. So, why would someone who seems to fear trust so greatly bother writing about the “benefits of trust”? Despite my trust being violated many times, the times that it has been honored and treasured by others have been worth telling about. Those moments have been worth the risk to press forward in the realm of trust. I want to try to give you some ideas of why this is…for me, anyway.

Trust lets me be loved.

When I do not trust, I put on a mask. I hide myself from others. The most they get is what I want them to see, and I do not want them to see the real me. Therefore, when I do not trust, there is no way I receive any true love from anyone. This does not mean others do not love me. They may love me deeply. However, my mask and other methods of self-protection block any love offered to me. I do not get to experience it. The best I get is for others to like my performance (my mask). Many times it winds up with me pushing others away (rejecting them before the perceived rejection I think they will offer me if I let them see the real me).

Trust helps me grow and mature.

As I let others into my life, they get to see me. They get to see my true struggles. They get to share in that with me. They get to walk alongside me. As they love me in those ways, they also get permission to speak to me about those things. These moments help me to see things I cannot see myself. Everyone needs a mirror to see what’s really going on with themselves. Trusting others does something very similar.

Trust protects me.

Self-protection cannot be relied upon for lasting security. It may feel good, especially when we are fearful of being hurt. However, it is a lie that we can protect ourselves in this life. We need others. We are built for relationships, and part of that is needing the protection we can offer each other. As I mentioned before, we need mirrors to see what’s going on with ourselves. We may have something deadly going on that, without someone lovingly pointing it out, would go unnoticed to the point that it really hurts us and others around us. It may be the way we speak to those who work under us, how we handle our child’s discipline, or the way we neglect our spouse’s needs. Trust opens up the door for us to be enlightened to how we are affecting others around us and ourselves.

Trust is one of the most important things in our lives.

God has been very clear about trust. Above all else, He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to believe Him. He has demonstrated his love for us in such magnificent ways in order to win our trust. When we don’t trust Him, we lack the truth and we lack the ability to be loved and to love others. Without trust, we are lost. Faith (trust) is a gateway to experiencing His grace. When we fail in trusting Him, we will fail in trusting others, and vice versa. Our trusting of people and God go hand-in-hand. We cannot even trust who we really are outside of trusting who He says He is. Did you get that? Add that to the list of what trust does. Trust allows us to see and experience who we really are. That is something self-protection and mask-wearing can never do.

-Neil

Be Kind and Ask Questions

Now these Jews were more noble than those in Thessalonica; they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so. (Acts 17:11, ESV)

In this passage of Scripture, Paul and Silas are fresh off of being rejected by a group of people in a place called Thessalonica. There was some jealousy behind much of the rebellion, according to Acts 17:5. It got kind of ugly, actually. If you want to read through Acts 17:1-9, you will see what I mean.

Paul and Silas left Thessalonica at night, to protect themselves by the cover of darkness from the angry mob that wanted to make false accusations against them. They moved on to a place called Berea.

As Paul and Silas shared Gospel of Jesus Christ, the Bereans were kind enough to sit and listen. They did this, even though they were skeptical. They weren’t sure that what they were hearing was actually true. Instead of berating Paul and Silas because they were teaching something different, they chose to spend time with Paul and Silas daily. They read and examined to see if their words agreed with what Scripture said. Many of the Bereans discovered that Paul and Silas were telling the truth, and they became believers.

A segment of the group in Thessalonica rejected Paul and Silas without truly listening to them with an open mind and heart. They jumped to accusations and did everything they could to discredit them and shut them up. The majority of Bereans were “more noble”, showing fine personal qualities such as a listening ear and putting forth the effort and time to get to know Paul and Silas while working together through Scriptures to find the truth. If they had not listened, they would not have discovered the truth.

Be kind and listen in order to remove our blinders, connect with others, and discover truth.

We are often approached by others (in person, through commercials on TV, while listening to sermons, etc.) who are telling us something they believe to be true (or at least they claim to believe it). Some are speaking truth like Paul and Silas, while others are not. Either way, it is good for us to listen and examine what is being said in order to discern whether it is true or not.

First of all, it is good to be kind to others rather than jump to conclusions that are likely to be influenced by our own personal prejudices and other issues (like the Thessalonians who allowed their jealousy to drive their actions). We are often blind to our own biases that cause us to see things and people incorrectly. To take the blinders off, we must acknowledge to ourselves that this is true of us. We DO have biases that God is working to correct in our hearts.

Second, it is good to listen in order to get to know people. Even if we find that we disagree on some things, we might be able to find a new friend that we enjoy spending time with. We don’t have to agree with each other in order to be kind to, learn from, and enjoy each other.

Telling others they are wrong is not the best way to identify truth for us or them.

The Thessalonians were pretty quick to paint Paul and Silas as liars and troublemakers. When we encounter others that we disagree with, the quickest way to end any chance of real dialogue is to put up our defenses and tell them they are wrong. We must care for, listen to, and connect with others, not just to share truth with them.

Despite what we might think, we are not always right. To find truth, we need relationships with others that produce authentic conversations. I believe this is what happened with the Bereans, Paul, and Silas. They spent time together, and allowed the truth to shine through their conversations over Scriptures. I believe there were likely more questions asked than authoritative statements condemning what the others were saying. Questions are good and they open up dialogue.

Humility leads to kindness and questions.

Humility produces kindness and spurs us towards asking others questions when they present something in opposition to what we believe to be right. Believing we are always right is a self-righteous trait that produces condemning words and actions towards each other. When we are quick to point out how wrong we think others are, we remain stuck where we are. We fail to embrace and share grace (which is the very core of the Gospel).

We grow when we say let down our guard and have a willingness to learn. We may reaffirm what we already know, or we might find we need to reject something we thought was right and replace it with a newfound truth. More importantly, we may wind up with a connection with someone who we truly enjoy being around. God is relational. When we find ourselves forsaking those things that build relationships, we have lost sight of what’s truly important.

-Neil

An Error in Judgment

I had it all planned out. The appraiser was to be at this particular apartment unit at a certain time on a certain day. That apartment’s maintenance technician was aware, and he would be there to meet the appraiser and carry out the plan. As far as I knew, everything was happening as scheduled. The phone rang and I soon found out otherwise. The technician had been waiting all day, but the other party never arrived. I quickly became irritated. This was unacceptable! Why set up an appointment time if you are not going to adhere to it! I let my opinion be made known to the maintenance tech and apologized that he was made to waste his time waiting on someone that did not show up. His response was totally different than mine. He said something to the effect of, “Well, maybe he had something come up….a heart attack, or stroke, or some other emergency. You never know.” You see, this maintenance tech knew from his own personal episode of having a medical emergency that things happen that we may be unaware of.

I suffer from “Fundamental Attribution Error”, and some of you reading this do, too.

There have been studies done that were directed at identifying many of the biases that we have that affect how we view ourselves and others. One of these is known as “Fundamental Attribution Error”. It’s a view in which we judge others on their character, but ourselves on the situation. For instance, if I do not sleep well, and this lack of sleep caused me to be slow the following day, I would know why I was slow. I might even give myself a break by saying, “Oh well, I didn’t sleep well last night, it makes sense for me to be a little slow today”. However, when I witness someone else moving slowly, with this bias I would judge them much more harshly, not taking into account that there might be a good reason for that person’s lethargy.

It is good for us to be willing to consider unknown circumstances that affect others.

Just like it is important not to be too hard on ourselves, while still taking personal responsibility for things in our lives that we need to, it is also important to offer this grace to others. We may have no idea what is causing another person to be on edge, spaced out, or snippy, but we may very well be falsely judging them when we label them as incompetent, procrastinators, stupid, lazy, or jerks. In many cases, only God knows why they are behaving the way they do.

We will wind up hating everyone, or loving others well, depending on which path we take.

There are two paths in front of us when we encounter someone who is behaving in a way that does not sit well with us. We can assume they have no reason or excuse for their actions, and offer them no grace whatsoever. On this path, we wind up judging them based solely on what we can see and hear while ignoring our own issues that cause us to behave badly at times. The other choice is to look at them knowing that there is a whole life of circumstances that we simply do not know or begin to understand, and be willing to offer them the same grace that we need ourselves when we are going through a hard time and maybe even taking it out on the wrong people around us. The first path has us put blinders on, falsely believing that we have it together better than the person in front of us. It leads to a life of being disgusted with people by an ever-increasing number as we find more and more people to put on our “naughty list”. The second path leads to a life of enjoying others despite their imperfections. Sure, we will need boundaries with many people we encounter, once we know more about them. However, that path ultimately allows us to build healthy relationships rather than destroy them before they have a chance to start.

Healthy relationships offer healing for ourselves and others as we learn how to share love and grace with each other.

God freely offers grace to us and loves to see us share it with each another. Without grace, we are lost in sin and circumstances, as well as all the negative effects that comes with both. Grace offers a chance to see what is causing our issues. It offers a safe place to work through those issues. It offers friendships that sustain us through really hard times. It gives us what we need when we need it. Grace doesn’t ask us to be perfect or to strive hard to earn our way out of our pits (even if we dug them ourselves). Grace offers us a hand, puts an arm around us, squeezes us tight, and says, “I love you no matter what. Let’s take a look at what’s going on here. I’m not going to leave you in this mess. We will get through this.”

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5, ESV)

-Neil

I Don’t Really Have Anything To Say

The title says it all. There is no set rule, but Melissa and I typically take turns writing blog posts each week to share with those of you who join in and read what we have to say. Today, you may be disappointed. Or not. I’m not sure. But one thing IS for sure, I am speaking from my heart because I am beginning this with no plans of making a preconceived point today.

Sometimes we are just full.

A couple of weeks ago, Melissa and I were eating with some very good friends of ours. In conversation, the topic of reading books came up. I expressed how I used to love reading. I read all the time. I looked forward to my next book. However, recently, I have not been reading at all. I’ve avoided it. This noticeable shift in behavior was disconcerting for me. However, one of our insightful friends was not at all concerned. She said, “Maybe you are just full, Neil”. Wow, she was right.

I spent a great deal of time for years engaged in learning all I could. I didn’t read fiction books. I was focused on books that helped me shape my ever-expanding perspective of things that were important to me. I didn’t leave any room for what one might call “pleasure reading”. I would have argued that what I was doing WAS pleasurable. However, it was also draining and gave little room for relaxation.

Even when we are full, there is always room for dessert.

I have thought a great deal about our friend’s simple, but profound assessment of my situation. One thing that has come to mind is this: even when I have eaten enough to be full, there’s always room for a little bit more. That “little bit more” doesn’t need to be something major. It doesn’t need to be taxing. It just needs to be something I can sit back and enjoy. Many people like a slice of cake, a brownie, a cookie, or something else sweet. It’s not about getting in the nutrients at that point. It’s simply about enjoying something. I think that’s where I am. I have filled myself with a lot of information. It’s a lot of work to sort it all out. I’ve put in a lot of work already, and it can overwhelming at times thinking about everything I’ve filled my head with. I need to allow myself to enjoy taking in some things in life that are not necessary, but enjoyable. I need some activities, or time spent with certain fun people, that simply makes me smile. I need to apply the idea of “taking a Sabbath”, and I’m not just talking about one day a week. Instead, I’m referring to a moment here, and moment there. An hour here, an hour there. God presents plenty of opportunities to rest in His Grace and Love and to experience it all with others. But, in order to notice these opportunities, I must look for them and embrace them.

When we’ve filled our bellies, it is time to digest what’s in there.

Of course, I cannot “eat, drink, and be merry” all the time. Well, I could, but that’s not the best avenue to take. With all that I’ve taken in over the last several years, it is high time that I allow myself to engage that material and work through it. How does it all fit into my life? How might it shape my perspective on myself, others, and God? Who might I have conversations with about these things that would allow me space to digest it all? Those are some important questions that might help me digest what I’ve filled myself up with so that I can move forward. Sitting around with a bloated stomach doesn’t exactly drive me to do anything, let alone move forward. It certainly does not bode well for writing blog posts! Yes, I’m full, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Instead, it might mean that I have a lot to talk about, think about, and to celebrate over some chocolate chip pancakes for dessert.

-Neil

Rocket

This past weekend, I was riding around with my wife, listening to music. The song “Rocket” by The Smashing Pumpkins came on. I have probably heard this song no less than 10,000 times (I am a huge Pumpkins’ fan), but for some reason on this particular day, the meaning of this song really jumped out at me like never before. Here are the lyrics that caught me initially:

I torch my soul to show
The world that I am pure
Deep inside my heart
No more lies

Keep in mind, this is my interpretation of the song, but I hear the songwriter, Billy Corgan, struggling with the fact that he has been trying so hard to earn other people’s approval that he has lost himself in the process. If you listen to the whole song, not just the lyrics above, Corgan goes further to state that he misses himself, the REAL man behind all the masks he wears to try to convince others he is something he is not. He has had glimpses of who he really is, but it has faded to only a dream now. He buys into the lie that there is something inherently wrong with him, so he needs to hide himself and be what he thinks others want him to be. Apparently others have made comments confirming the lie, and he has bought into them wholeheartedly. However, he has grown weary of living a lie and wants to be free…free to be himself and not just an actor (hypocrite) for those around him. He desires to “bleed in his own light” and actually live the life he has been dreaming about: being who he was created to be, whatever that may look like…free from the critical voices of all the people around him.

We lose ourselves in the endless, exhausting goal of trying to please others.

I know everyone is not like me. Some are huge people pleasers, some are not. I see myself looking to a few voices in my life at a time, never too many, but just enough to get me off track at times (it doesn’t take much of looking to what others think to make one stumble). The Enemy loves to heap condemnation on me through not only my struggle with failures, but what others might think of those failures. I begin to think, at times, that maybe God looks at me the same way…disappointed with me, shaking His head at my performance that’s never quite good enough.

Paul talked about being a people pleaser:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, ESV)

When I catch myself trying to please others, worrying myself over getting their approval, I am not serving Christ. People, or at least their opinion of me, becomes not only my focus, but my idol. In those moments when their approval is my priority, I am giving them the power to tell me who I am. My identity rests in the hands of those that I look to for acceptance. If they disapprove of me, I believe I am worthless. If they approve of me, I feel great temporarily, but then I have to work hard to keep the approval coming, losing any sense of who God really created me to be in the process. Like Corgan masterfully said in the song, “I torch my soul” trying to prove myself.

Walking by Grace through Faith is so tough. The fear of what others think is a sinister weapon of the Enemy that I need to make myself aware of on a daily basis. Surrendering to God and holding onto His Truth concerning my identity in my Savior Jesus Christ is the only thing that will set me free…free from the drive to please others, free from the condemnation felt in the criticism others dish out, and free to be the man God created me to be. No matter how I feel or what others say, I am who God says I am, and He is pleased with me.

God’s Truth and Love sends us soaring away from the voices that drag us down and into what He has planned for us.

The song title, again, is “Rocket”. I believe Corgan intended this to illustrate his freedom as he rockets away in the sky, away from all the phony masks he has created in attempts to gain the approval of others. At the risk of sounding a bit cheesy here, I guess the real rocket for us is made up of God’s Truth and Love. Without truth, we would remain slaves to what others think of us, or some other worthless idol that only keeps us meandering around on the ground instead of soaring off into the sky to experience what God has planned for us. Without His unconditional love, we would feel hopelessly lost and rejected. We would be stranded in the dirt, held down by our insufficient efforts to garner some sense of acceptance and love.

-Neil

Positively Telling Yourself the Truth

A few years ago, something was taken from me that I loved. I have suffered with digestive issues for much of my adult life, on and off. If I experience much stress, apparently my weak point is my stomach. Anyway, I began to suffer an extra measure of pain, nausea, and other unpleasant symptoms that led me to investigate the source. At that time, I really enjoyed having a glass of milk, particularly before bed at night. However, this came to a stop once I realized that milk was the culprit behind my issues. My stomach no longer responded well to it.

Fast forward to a couple of weekends ago. I decided to give milk a try. This was not the first time I decided to see if it still bothered me. I really miss it and keep hoping that one day my body will respond well to it again. However, this was not the case. I slept about 2 hours that night due to those same old symptoms that I had experienced a few years ago.

All the positive thinking in the world cannot overpower what is true.

I told myself it would be different this time, but it wasn’t. I wished I could drink milk again without my body rejecting it, but it still did. All the positive thinking in the world couldn’t have made my body change its response to milk. Yeah, I could “push through” and drink it anyway. However, that would not be worth it. What little joy I might would get in drinking it would be washed away 45-60 minutes later when my stomach started churning.

The truth is, if our perspective and thoughts are not based on truth, positive thinking does not change anything long-term. It may make us feel good in the moment, but there will be a moment of reckoning when reality hits.

So what are we to do? Are we to just mope around in pessimism, always expecting the worst? Without positive thinking, isn’t that all that’s left? NO, thankfully there’s something else…something much more substantial and reliable.

We can rely on truth.

Truth is the one thing we can focus on that will not let us down. It is what it is, and it does not change. Sometimes it stings when we are confronted with it, but it helps us to embrace reality. It encourages us to live our lives freely as who we really are. It also helps us avoid some phony happy-go-lucky perspective that is no more than a bold faced lie that will eventually leave us feeling anxious and frustrated (and possibly with a sour stomach).

It’s often difficult to want the truth and to see it in our everyday lives. The challenge is for us to love and seek truth rather than settling for the phony stuff that is tempting to fall for. We must trust that truth is more trustworthy than our feelings at times. Truth is more valuable and pays more dividends than telling ourselves what we want to hear.

Truth is more than just something to learn about and apply in our lives.

God is the source of truth. Only in Him can we embrace it and live it out. Jesus referred to himself as “the Truth”. Since He personalized “truth”, it is not just a cold theological term, rule to follow, or task to complete. Truth is relational. It is something we discover, learn, and cultivate in our lives with God and others. Truth is comforting, a place to rest, someone we can depend on, and it frees us to be who we really are. It reveals our true identity (who God says we are). Trusting in the truth leads us to see ourselves, others, God, and the world around us with a whole new, colorful perspective. If positive thinking was an old black and white television, truth is a brand new 75 inch HD OLED television with HDR (for those of you who are not tech-savvy, that is a really nice television).

Two weekends ago, I found out that milk still bothers me. However, the truth is there are many things in this world I thoroughly enjoy. Some of them have yet to be discovered. I don’t need milk to be happy. I will miss it, but I will look forward to other things in my life that will likely prove to be more beneficial and satisfying. Tossing milk to the side is hard for me, but it is a small thing in comparison to what some of us are facing. I pray we are able to embrace Him, His Truth, and His love in the midst of whatever situation we are in. Instead of merely telling ourselves something positive, let’s positively tell ourselves the truth.

-Neil

Transforming Our Weaknesses into Strengths

Paul wrote many letters that we can now read in our Bibles, each containing great insight into his life and the lives of those he wrote to. He is a dramatic example of how one can truly be changed by God’s grace through trusting Christ. I recently had a conversation with some friends about Paul and wanted to share some about what came up, as I realized how impactful it can be to take a close look at Paul “before and after” his encounter with Jesus. Some things about Paul changed, but some things did not.

From the first time we read about Paul in the Bible, we begin to see a driven man. He was passionate about what he believed in. He was extremely knowledgeable of Scripture and the Law. Having his own understanding of what he knew about those things, he strived to keep the law and enforce it with others. He felt strongly that he was doing the right thing. Nothing could stop him. He was even complicit in murder in attempts to protect what he believed in, which included the murder and imprisonment of those who trusted in Jesus.

Unbeknownst to him, he was persecuting not only those who trusted Christ, but also Christ the Lord Himself. Jesus made him aware of this while Paul was traveling to Damascus to continue his threats and carrying out of what he perceived to be justice. After being blinded and then regaining his sight, Paul’s heart was changed by God and his perspective changed as well.

This is where it gets rather interesting. Yes, Paul’s treatment of others, particularly Christians, changed. However, his temperament did not change. He was still a very driven man. He was still very passionate in what he believed in. He was still determined to push through anything and anyone to accomplish the goals set forth before him. However, all of this looked a lot different with the new heart he had.

God transformed Paul’s weaknesses into strengths.

Instead of hatred and self-righteousness driving him, love and humility had taken over in his heart. Instead of making others suffer to prove his own point, he was now willing to suffer himself in order to accomplish the goal of spreading the truth about Jesus (the Gospel). Instead of being willing to take the lives of others, he was determined to give others life in Christ.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:21, ESV)

Paul initially treasured the seeking of righteousness through adherence to the rules he interpreted from Scripture. He believed in striving to follow the rules and enforcing them on others. After coming to know the Lord, he then treasured God’s grace due to his newfound realization that he was in desperate need of it. Paul once thought he was good because he worked so hard to be. After his conversion, Paul realized his deep need for dependence on Christ for God to work good in and through him. Paul was once arrogant and feared by others, but he became humble, loving, and loved.

God transforms our weaknesses into strengths.

Many of us see things in ourselves that we do not like, things we might even hate and wish to be changed. However, today I want to encourage us to be open to seeing ourselves from a different perspective. Perhaps those very things that we hate about ourselves are merely us acting out in ways that God doesn’t intend for us. Maybe we are hard-headed, refusing to be open to being wrong, and that causes us trouble. However, with a bit of humility, that same hard-headedness can be steadfastness and determination to seek and stand by truth and trustworthiness, which can keep us OUT of trouble. Perhaps we procrastinate often, but with the right motivation we might discover that we have a knack for avoiding quick, disorganized choices and instead have the ability to engage in well-thought-out decisions that helps us and those around us.

Instead of treasuring God and who He created us to be, we often treasure what we see in others and desire to morph into something else. Let’s make a concerted effort to do something different. Let’s look in the mirror and notice those things we wish were different. Invite God and trusted others to take a look at those same traits and tell us what they see. Perhaps those traits and tendencies don’t need to be removed. Instead, maybe we need a different perspective in order to take advantage of strengths we have been considering to be weaknesses.

-Neil

All Apologies

The other day at work, I was not in a good mood. Often, when my mood is in the dumps, I spew sarcasm. Sometimes, others laugh at my responses to annoyances around me. However, many times these comments can be hurtful. In this particular case, after I had made one of my notorious comments, I pondered how it might have seemed to those around me. A few nights before, my loving and concerned wife let me know how I was affecting her. My frustration with some things in life was leading me to respond with sarcasm and vent sessions. Since Melissa has a desire to see me happy and content, she said it led her to feel like she needed to tip-toe around me. That’s the last thing I wanted! This really bothered me. I apologized to her and we discussed what was going on to lead to my demeanor. Fast-forward to my situation at work. Thankfully, that interaction with Melissa caused me to be more aware of how I was behaving around my coworkers. After realizing that some of my comments might have been hurtful, I went to those who heard my remarks, apologized, and explained that my frustrations were my issue and in no way were indicative of how I felt about them. However, I did not want to continue making them uncomfortable around me. I don’t want my friends to feel like they must walk on eggshells!

How often do we apologize?

It’s an important question to ask ourselves. If we cannot remember the last time we apologized for something, then there’s a problem. We are imperfect people who intentionally and unintentionally hurt each other all the time. If we aren’t apologizing, we are missing something and creating barriers in our relationships with others. We’ve all done things that we need to apologize for in recent history. We shouldn’t have to look too far in the past to find a transgression.

Some of us over-apologize.

If we’ve apologized to 15 different people in the last 15 minutes, then that very well may be a problem, too. We cannot be responsible for everything that goes wrong! Some of us feel tremendous guilt almost constantly. We begin to apologize for things almost out of habit, saying we’re sorry just because someone else is inconvenienced when we had no control over it at all. It’s important to own our mistakes, but it is also important not to take the blame for things that are not ours to own.

Sincere and heartfelt apologies are a door to a wonderful gift from God.

Simply put, there can be too much or too little of this very important behavior. Apologizing isn’t just a behavior, though. When it’s done the way God intended it, then it is a heart-driven act that is born out of acknowledgment that we have done something wrong and that we have hurt someone. Authentic apologies are an attempt to tap into one of God’s wonderful and miraculous gifts of grace: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is essential to receive and to be offered to others.

Forgiveness sets us free from the bondage of guilt. It prevents guilt from morphing into shame, which is much akin to a crippling disease of the soul. Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation and restoring damaged relationships. It can initiate the healing of deep wounds. It’s just too important of a gift to miss out on.

We need to be aware of a false approach to forgiveness through apologies.

There are ways in which we can say we are sorry, but not pursue the forgiveness we need. In 2 Corinthians 10:7, Paul refers to this imposter as “worldly grief (sorrow)”. Here are some clues that we may be engaging in worldly sorrow and not acting out of repentance and seeking true forgiveness:

We are only looking to get ourselves off the hook for something.

Deep inside, we are looking for the other person to respond in a certain way. Maybe we want them to apologize for something, too.

We demand that we be forgiven because “God says you should forgive me”.

We have no desire to spend ample time trying to understand the hurt we have caused.

We minimize the sin we have committed, or deny it is a sin at all. We refuse to own the entirety of what we have done. This delegitimizes the hurt we’ve caused.

There is a wonderful question that we need to be asking those around us: “How am I affecting you?”

So, let’s be careful to examine our hearts for occasions in which we need to seek and offer forgiveness. Let’s make it a habit of asking those around us how we are affecting them. There will be times in which we find that we are not at fault. Many times, we will find that we are. Let’s start the process by talking to God first. Receiving the reality of His forgiveness is absolutely necessary as a foundation to seeking it from others. We must be firmly wrapped up in His love in order to fully own the depths of our wrongdoings. Without experiencing his unconditional love in the midst of our guilt, we will find it impossible to humble ourselves with those we have hurt.

-Neil