Author: Neil McLamb

“And he went throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction among the people. So his fame spread throughout all Syria, and they brought him all the sick, those afflicted with various diseases and pains, those oppressed by demons, epileptics, and paralytics, and he healed them. And great crowds followed him from Galilee and the Decapolis, and from Jerusalem and Judea, and from beyond the Jordan.” (Matthew 4:23-25, ESV)

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to someone teach from Matthew 5 about the Beatitudes, and the subject about the crowds that followed Jesus came up. The question was posed: “Why did such a large number of people crowd together to listen to him?” This was discussed quite a bit, but it has left me asking the same question of myself. Why, exactly, do I follow Him? For those that call ourselves Christians, this may sound like a ridiculous thing to question. Jesus is the Son of God, our Lord and Savior. He is the One who laid down His life to save the ones He loves. However, I am not hanging on this question because of a lack of knowledge of who He is, but because I have caught myself “following Him” for different reasons at different times. Is this good or bad? I’m not sure yet…maybe some of both. Let’s see if I can come to any conclusions as I keep thinking and typing out of my heart here.

The first, obvious, area that came to mind for me to look into: my sometimes seemingly insatiable desire to know things. For those of you who have read other posts on this blog, you know that I tend to struggle with basing my identity on what I know. I make head knowledge too important at times. With this being a consistent thing that pops up from time to time with me, it’s not a stretch to see that I sometimes follow Jesus to gather more knowledge. I’m convinced some of the crowds that followed Jesus in Matthew 4 did the same. Curiosity drew them in. I can see myself doing the same. I mean, who wants to be in the minority and not know what’s going on with the famous guy that’s traveling around speaking of sometimes mysterious and always enlightening things? If I fell into that group, I would wind up looking stupid or uncool, or both. 

Now that I know this happens with me, I must go a little deeper and look at my motivations for wanting to know things pertaining to Jesus. My motivation will determine whether my “following” Him in this way is taking me closer to Him or not. If I simply only want to know more about Him, that’s a red flag for me. More head knowledge does not necessarily translate to a change of heart. I can know that Jesus loved me, but if I don’t experience that love as a reality in my life, it is nothing but a cold fact that I know (and can share with others, ironically). I can know more about Him and allow what I know (or think I know) to “puff me up”. Arrogance is certainly not listed in the examples of fruit of the spirit in Galatians 5 or Colossians 3, so this reason for following Jesus falls short of producing evidence that I am drawing closer to Him.

Another way I have seen myself “following Jesus” for a reason that does not produce fruit is when I pressure myself to “do a daily devotion”. Instead of really seeking to know Him and who I am in Him, I wind up with temporarily fighting back the guilt I feel if I don’t do the devotion. In church, we often feel guilt when we look around and think everyone else is “doing what they are supposed to do” and we are not. If my “following Him” is only to alleviate guilt, it will never be satisfying because I’m not really following Him…I’m attempting to run away from feeling guilty.

I could list many other reasons to follow Christ and discuss each one of them, but, again, I want to keep my posts as short as possible, so I will move on to an important question to ponder after examining my heart for why I am following Him at any given moment in my life: “What do I do when I catch myself following Him in a way that really isn’t following in the sense the Jesus meant it when He encouraged Peter to in John 21:19?”. I always start an answer to a question like that with something like this: I cannot fix myself. In other words, I must first apply the Gospel of Jesus Christ to myself once again. I can never run to the cross too much. As Christians, we need to visit there often. I cannot do anything to make myself sin less or do more good things. The power to do those things comes from Christ alone. When I have fooled myself into thinking I am following Christ with a pure heart, the answer is to follow Christ by throwing myself down at His feet and asking Him for help, acknowledging to myself that He is what I need…not mere facts that I can get from Him.

I really enjoyed writing about this and encourage anyone reading this to share your own examples, if you would like, of why you might be “following Christ” at times. I know there are many many more that I did not talk about here.

Sometimes I just feel blank. I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel great. I’m somewhere in between, but it’s not a comfortable place. I avoid deep thoughts and deep conversations with others. I just skim the surface. I’m definitely not myself when I’m like this. Maybe I’m just tired. That’s definitely a plausible explanation. But when rest doesn’t seem to help, there’s got to be more to it. There seems to be a shift from time to time. It’s not all blankness. It begins with some anxiety, which lasts for a while, then I wind up leveling out into this “numbness” again.

I tend to throw myself into things that I believe in 100%. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a downside for sure: blinders. While I’m focused on something that may be important, I overlook people and things close to me that are equally, if not more, important. Perhaps part of the “blankness” comes from the walls I create between myself and those things and people that I have neglected. Maybe a piece of the anxiety puzzle is the uncertainty of what will happen when I am not actively engaged in those things due to the blinders. With blinders on, I even forget the things that I enjoy doing aside from that one thing that I have thrown myself into. This may sound silly, but it’s a good example: I used to love video games. They were a cool way to relax and enjoy time with my friends. Long ago, I put this hobby aside to pursue other things. I told myself those things were more important. I now find myself wondering what hobbies might interest me, but I don’t take time to pursue them. I’ve just lost interest. In many ways, I’ve forsaken taking time to chill out and enjoy things. I’m too dang busy with being sold out to one thing.

I began to really take notice of this recently, when I came back from our beach vacation. Did I enjoy it? Yeah, but I still did not allow myself to truly let go. So I came back somewhat rejuvenated, but nothing like I could have. This past weekend, I had another reminder when I snapped (some anger came out) when I was around friends who were enjoying themselves and I couldn’t seem to join in (once again, I apologize to those friends!….You know who you are.).

I’m not sure if any of this resonates with those of you who read this, but I committed myself to share my heart on here, so that’s what I’m doing. All of this reeks of a “control issue” for me. In tune with the theme of this blog, this leaves me to ask the question, what does faith look like for me right now? I think part of the answer lies in letting go of control in any possible way that I can. It doesn’t really matter how I do it. Any time that I take a step away from trying to control (or manipulate) something in my life, I have the opportunity with God to taste some freedom. In moments like this, I anticipate being able to enjoy something or someone. Control numbs me to the point that everything does feel blank. I must let go of it. This one thing that I have prioritized in my life may need to take a backseat to other things. I must forcibly remove the blinders. My identity needn’t be wrapped up in one thing, unless that one thing is Christ. 

There are many wonderful things about being in a relationship. For one, in the context of true relationship you can mess up and know that everything will be alright. That is certainly the case with Christ. You’re safe because there is grace. It’s awesome when we can experience this with others as well, knowing you don’t have to be perfect to be accepted and allowing others to mess up as well. And, to our surprise many times, knowing there is Grace for imperfection will not spur taking advantage of it. Lack of love and selfishness do that. To be blunt, lack of true relationship does that. Hurting the one you truly love hurts you as well. Of course, if it doesn’t, we need to examine our hearts because we are merely posing when we say we are engaged in a true relationship.

We tend to label things and then move forward as if our label is accurate, even if there is no evidence to prove it is accurate. For instance, many of us will assign the words “I love you” to how we feel about someone else, but if we were pressed to show evidence to prove those words, we would come up lacking. We often want something in return, and if we do not get it, we are angry. Our words, “I love you”, come up empty when we understand what love really is (unselfish, unconditional, patient, etc.). Another example is saying “I am sorry”. There is a huge difference between this and true repentance. Repentance is backed up by consistent action…the words “I’m sorry” often is not. It can be the same with how we label our relationships. I can biologically be a “father”, but not display behavioral evidence that exemplifies what a father is. I can be a “brother”, but not act like one. I can be a “husband” legally, on paper, but not actually be a husband in my heart (and therefore not in my actions either).

In looking at my own relationships with others and noticing that sometimes my actions do not match what I claim to be, I think it would be good to take the time to examine this. It requires that I be really honest with myself. I must look to God’s Truth in Scripture to define the labels I have assigned to myself regarding others. What does God really say a “husband”, “father”, “brother”, “son”, and “friend” looks like? I need to know what He says and challenge it against what I am actually doing. His Truth will reveal what I need to see (my heart). Perhaps I will find that I am ignorant to some things and simply need new knowledge. Perhaps I will find that I have been deceived into thinking I was something when I really was not. Perhaps I will find that I am just being mean and selfish. Regardless of what I find, the issue behind why I am not engaging a relationship with love and grace will only be resolved by engaging my relationship with God first. By His Grace alone will I be able to be who He created me to be with others. I need to engage what it means to be His “son”, His “coworker”, His “chosen”, and His “loved one”. I must not only know, but hold fast to my identity in Christ in order to live it out with others. 

As a counselor, I take the act of reading God’s Word seriously. Now, don’t take this to mean that I never have periods of time that I don’t delve into it on a regular basis. I’m not going into a guilt-ridden post here to try to make me or anyone reading this strive for more “devotional time”. However, I know how important it is to look at the Word for myself and see what God is saying to me through it. This certainly helps a great deal in sharing God’s Truth with others. The problem is, when I look at myself to see how the Truth I know is being manifested in my behaviors and feelings, it is simply not there at times. One of the main issues is that the Truth gets stuck in my head and doesn’t make its way down to my heart. In other words, to put it more bluntly…I often don’t truly believe the facts that I know. If I don’t believe something, even if I know in my head that it is true, I will not live as if it is true. Then that Truth is really of no value to me whatsoever.

When I think back to my time in school, from Kindergarten on up, I can recall many times that I studied for exams that I really didn’t see much need in holding onto the information after I was done taking the test. I only memorized and understood the information that was going to be on the test enough to do well on the test at the time. Yeah, there were times that I knew the information would be important for me to carry over to another class or my future as an accountant and counselor, but there were many times that I just didn’t see information for certain tests as applicable to me and my present or future. The problem was certainly not with the teachers that took the time to teach me. You could say I just didn’t treasure some of the things I was taught.

I sometimes treat the Bible the same as I did some of what I learned in school. God’s Word is Truth. That means when I read something from His Word, what I read ARE facts, but The Word is not just cool inspirational stories and rules. Jesus Christ referred to Himself as the Truth, so Truth has a lot to do with a warm, loving, real relationship, not just cold hard facts to know. Having this kind of relationship with God is an awesome thing, therefore, God’s Truth is a treasure.

In Ephesians 2:8, which is part of the Scripture passage from which I got the title for this blog, Paul says that we are saved through faith. In looking up the meaning of the original Greek word used here, I found these definitions were offered (among others) to describe what Paul was getting at when he was talking about faith: belief in the truth, reality, and firm persuasion. Therefore, faith definitely has something to do with knowing the truth and believing it. I must be firmly persuaded that what God says is true…to the point that it is reality for me. That means I live it. Here’s where I get tripped up again, many times. I can coldly go about trying to mimic what I read in the Bible (doing good works, staying away from sins, trying not to repeat the mistakes of people in the Bible, etc.) But living by Grace through Faith requires me to live in the Truth with RELATIONSHIP being the foundation. That’s what causes us to treasure it.

When I read Paul’s words “pray without ceasing” in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, I think back to what I learned from the author, Henri Nouwen, when he asserted that praying like this means living in reality instead of illusion (living according to the lies that Satan wants us to believe about ourselves, God, and others). Praying means I am interacted with God through Christ…talking to Him as if He is really there listening because He IS really there listening, then deliberately listening for Him, watching for Him, including Him in big and little things that I am going through, asking Him questions, getting angry with Him, accepting His discipline, and taking His Truth and applying it in order to experience more of Him. Only He can validate His Truth for me by taking it from my head to my heart, and this happens through life experiences. I experience Him as I interact with Him by living as if what He says is actually true. I have to push myself to get away from the head knowledge trap.

Perhaps the easiest way to begin to attack this issue is to do what Paul did with the Corinthians. In 1 Corinthians 2:2, Paul said, “For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.” Paul refused to use all the knowledge and the ability to speak eloquently. He made a conscience decision to live out the Truth by not relying on his own abilities and knowledge, but to rely solely on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He goes on to say that he did this “in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling”. This was not comfortable for Paul. He put himself in a position where God had to come through for him and for the people he was speaking to. He put himself in a position where he actively trusted God. In other words, He put action to his faith.

I’ve done this before, but how easily I can forget what it was like by getting complacent. Years ago when anxiety and panic attacks ruled my life, I came to a point in which I chose to face my fears. Through the experiences that followed, my faith grew tremendously. I experienced hope and joy, and it was great. Now it’s time to press forward once again…to quit treating my experience back then as if it was a great learning experience and nothing more. Although I’ve often treated it as such, it was not just a one time event in my life that led to my faith being full-grown. When I think about my wife, I don’t just think about the wedding day and nothing more. There have been so many awesome moments since then. The wedding day was only the beginning. Likewise, God has so much more He is wanting to experience with me…many more awesome moments…maybe even some better than what I have experienced thus far.

Several weeks ago, in talking with someone, I realized a false view of God that has plagued me. I have been planning on writing about it and sharing it here ever since. Today’s the day.

It’s easy to get caught up in religious behavior, as I have written about here before. In religious circles, we often do things out of a sense of obligation. We operate a lot on guilt and scare tactics such as “I’m not a good Christian if I don’t serve enough” or “I’d better not do that or God is going to get me for it!” To look the part of a Christian and thinking we need to keep God (and others) appeased with our efforts, we work hard to do the right things and avoid the wrong things. I discovered that beyond this mess, I actually had allowed myself to view God as being like this as well.

This lie that God helped me see in the conversation with my friend was not so much about operating out of guilt and fear this time, but about the obligatory actions. Since I often do things out of a since of obligation, I had been seeing God as doing the same. If I believe God does what He does out of obligation, I lose the ability to receive love from Him. The one big thing that was hurting me so bad was this lie: “Well, He’s God, He HAS to love me”. I have heard several others make this comment about their parents loving them, assuming their parents had no choice. God’s love is not obligatory love. I’d argue that obligatory love is not love at all. It’s based on guilt or fear, or some combination of both. God chooses to love me. Jesus chose to die on the cross. God chose me to be His son. When I ponder the fact that God has made choices, makes choices, and will continue to make choices to offer His love to me, it is simply an awesome perception changer.

Sitting here this morning, engaging in some much needed quiet time to myself, I have been reminded once again of the necessity to surrender my own efforts in order to allow God to work through me.

“God does not want us to work FOR him, to witness FOR him, to live FOR him. He wants to get SELF out of the way so he can work through us.” – Charles Solomon

Typically, as Christians, when we think about “self” or “flesh”, we think about things such as sexual sins, drug and alcohol abuse, not being in church enough, stealing, or some other behavior we have or have not distanced ourselves from. I’m finding more and more that I allow my self to be the center of my life in a much more sinisterly hidden way: religious striving.

As I stated in my last post here on this blog, God has begun a work in me to free me from my attempts to win the battle for my mind. The quote from Solomon up above was another loving interaction between the Holy Spirit and me regarding this. I habitually do the work while God is asking me to let Him initiate and guide, while I follow. I talk a lot about being Christ-centered, but when I am stressing and pushing myself constantly, even if it is to do “the right things” and to avoid “the wrong things”, I am self-centered…centered on me doing the work FOR God. If we have trouble discerning if Christ or self is in the center of our lives, there is always evidence in our lives that can serve as red flags that we are doing this. For me, anxiety, insomnia, no joy, and exhaustion are among the forerunners.

One of my greatest strengths and weaknesses is my mind. It is amazing, really, how powerful my thoughts are. I have told several people that I can think myself into depression within a few minutes, and that honestly is not an exaggeration. Paul knew how important the awareness of what goes on in the mind was to himself and his brothers and sisters in Christ. He warned the Corinthians to capture their thoughts and force them to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). He also said in Romans for Christians to be transformed by the renewing of their minds. He understood fully that whatever a man thinks to himself reveals his true heart. What we do and feel is driven by our thoughts. As for me, feelings of hopelessness set in when I am not surrendering myself to God’s Truth and choosing Him to be the One from which my identity and perception of everything in my life comes from. Paul said in Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” It seems I often would rather place myself in the driver’s seat and allow my own logic, what people think, fears, and shame (amongst other things) to dictate my thoughts and perceptions of things. These lead to anything other than the things mentioned in Philippians 4:8.

I remember my mother often telling me when I was young that I needed to smile more. I started young allowing my mind to be occupied by things that darkly shaded my perception of myself, God, and others. This led to not only few smiles from the anger and sadness, but behaviors that brought me down as well. Some of this was out of ignorance, but struggles born of ignorance are no less a struggle than those born of some other source other than God’s Truth. As the years have passed, I have experienced more and learned more. Although I will never gather the full knowledge of God in this physical body, I have been able to ascertain a firmer grasp on what God’s Word actually says, which has been a great way to ward off the issue of “just not knowing” that I had earlier in life. The Holy Spirit has worked at just the right times to bring in Truths that I needed when my own ignorance was keeping me in a tail spin of false-belief-based thinking patterns. This continues to be the case for me because I must depend on Him to overcome the fact that I still don’t, and can’t, know everything. 

Today in Sunday School, I noticed an inner struggle while listening to my teacher (who I love deeply, by the way). I am becoming more and more aware that I have been trying to fight the battle for my mind by myself…in my own power. I am not that much different than the Galatians that Paul reprimanded for trying to be sanctified by their own works, but the majority of my attempts at this are in fighting for my mind. I forget one of the most important words to a follower of Christ: surrender. Of course I cannot win the battle over my behaviors, but I cannot even win the battle for my mind either. Not by myself anyway. It MUST begin with me acknowledging my inability to do so, surrendering myself over to Jesus’ lordship over me, and allow the Holy Spirit to renew my mind. This is still quite the mystery to me how this all happens without me doing the work, but it does. It doesn’t mean I’m passive in it though. Surrendering is a battle in and of itself because I must face my fears and give up control in my life to wave the white flag and allow Christ to lead me.

So…”mind over emotions, but what’s over the mind?” It’s my choice (that God has given me through Christ) whether I will be over it or if I will allow God to be over it. From that point on the results will be drastically different for me depending on who I am relying on: me or God.

This past weekend, I was riding around with my wife, listening to music. The song “Rocket” by The Smashing Pumpkins came on. I have probably heard this song no less than 10,000 times (I am a huge Pumpkins’ fan), but for some reason on this particular day, the meaning of this song really jumped out at me like never before. Here are the lyrics that caught me initially:

I torch my soul to show
The world that I am pure
Deep inside my heart
No more lies

Keep in mind, this is my interpretation of the song, but I hear the songwriter, Billy Corgan, struggling with the fact that he has been trying so hard to earn other people’s approval that he has lost himself in the process. If you listen to the whole song, not just the lyrics above, Corgan goes further to state that he misses himself, the REAL man behind all the masks he wears to try to convince others he is something he is not. He has had glimpses of who he really is, but it has faded to only a dream now. He buys into the lie that there is something inherently wrong with him, so he needs to hide himself and be what he thinks others want him to be. Apparently others have made comments confirming the lie, and he has bought into them wholeheartedly. However, he has grown weary of living a lie and wants to be free…free to be himself and not just an actor (hypocrite) for those around him. He desires to “bleed in his own light” and actually live the life he has been dreaming about: being who he was created to be, whatever that may look like…free from the critical voices of all the people around him.

I know everyone is not like me. Some are huge people pleasers, some are not. I see myself looking to a few voices in my life at a time, never too many, but just enough to get me off track at times (it doesn’t take much of looking to what others think to make one stumble). The Enemy loves to heap condemnation on me through not only my struggle with failures, but what others might think of those failures. I begin to think, at times, that maybe God looks at me the same way…disappointed with me, shaking His head at my performance that’s never quite good enough.

Paul talked about being a people pleaser:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10, ESV)

When I catch myself trying to please others, worrying myself over getting their approval, I am not serving Christ. People, or at least their opinion of me, becomes not only my focus, but my idol. In those moments when their approval is my priority, I am giving them the power to tell me who I am. My identity rests in the hands of those that I look to for acceptance. If they disapprove of me, I believe I am worthless. If they approve of me, I feel great temporarily, but then I have to work hard to keep the approval coming, losing any sense of who God really created me to be in the process. Like Corgan masterfully said in the song, “I torch my soul” trying to prove myself.

Walking by Grace through Faith is so tough. The fear of what others think is a sinister weapon of the Enemy that I need to make myself aware of on a daily basis. Surrendering to God and holding onto His Truth concerning my identity in my Savior Jesus Christ is the only thing that will set me free…free from the drive to please others, free from the condemnation felt in the criticism others dish out, and free to be the man God created me to be. No matter how I feel or what others say, I am who God says I am, and He is pleased with me.

The song title, again, is “Rocket”. I believe Corgan intended this to illustrate his freedom as he rockets away in the sky, away from all the phony masks he has created in attempts to gain the approval of others. At the risk of sounding a bit cheesy here, I guess the real rocket for us is God’s Truth. Without it, we would remain slaves to what others think of us, or some other worthless idol that only keeps us meandering around on the ground instead of soaring off into the sky to experience what God has planned for us.

  

Those that really get to know me eventually get to see a struggle that surfaces for me more than I would like it to. I think many of us have that one thing that typically pops up…that one thing that is evidence in our lives that something is up. Like a “check engine” light on the dashboard of my car, anxiety is that one piece of evidence that repeats itself in my life. It screams at me to check out what’s going on.

I am convinced that all emotions and behaviors are like this, if we will allow them to be. James put it this way, “But someone will say, ‘You have faith and I have works.’ Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works” (James 2:18, ESV). We cannot separate what we believe in and what we do. We do what we do and we feel what we feel because of either trust in the Lord or lack of it. Trusting the Lord means believing the Truth. If I lack trust in Him, I am left with nothing but to believe a lie because I am not centered in His Truth.

The title of this entry is “Performance-Based Worth”. The reason for this is that performance-based worth is a core issue that I find leads to anxiety for me. When I believe that my worth is dependent upon what I do or don’t do, anxiety is the result. The reason for this is simple, there is always uncertainty when I am relying on my own performance to grade my value. Sometimes I do a great job at something. Other times I do a terrible job. I always run the chance of it being either way. When I rate my performance as good, I feel good. When I rate it as poor, I feel bad. When I strive for the great performances, I am always anxious when I connect the end result with my own personal worth.

I have also noticed with myself, as well as others, that performance-based worth leads to two kinds of behavior: striving or giving up. There have been times in my life when I have been in striving-mode. I work as hard as possible to accomplish my goal(s), all in an effort to maintain my sense of worth. However, there comes a time that I may find the task of completing the goal impossible, and I just give up for a while. Striving and giving up are two very different behaviors that are both evidence that at that moment in my life, I am believing that my worth is dependent upon my ability to accomplish my goal(s).  

Perfomance-based worth is completely and utterly contrary to the Gospel. God says that my value is not dependent on my works. My worth is not tied to my ability or inability to accomplish goals that I set for myself (or that others set for me). The works I may allow to dictate my worth are not exclusive to big or small things. They include a day at my job, the way I handle a temptation to give into a habitual sin, a conversation with my son, a responsibility at home such as a household chore, the way I handle a disagreement with my wife, whether or not I can figure something out, and other seemingly big and small things. My goals may be to be a perfect father, to be a perfect husband, to be the best counselor, always getting everything done, to not make a mistake, and to know all the right answers. Sounds ridiculously impossible when I state them here, but I find myself often shooting to accomplish those goals (or similar ones) and basing my value on my performance.

So, I know that my value is not in what I do, although I admit I struggle with believing this at times. Addressing this begins with acknowledging the evidence in my life that proves I am not walking by Grace through Faith. For me, anxiety, striving, and the attitude of just giving up are the typical red flags. Others may have different things to look for in their lives. But where, then, does my value come from? I need to trust God’s Truth here to be set free when I am in bondage to the lie that I must do great to be worth anything. I was created in God’s image, to glorify Him, therefore I have inherent value based on this from the very beginning. No one is worthless because everyone is created in His image. However, there is the problem of sin. Due to my inability to overcome this, my righteousness is solely dependent upon Jesus Christ. Trusting in Him sets me free, in every way. I am free to be who God created me to be. I don’t have to strive to be something I’m not. Nothing can steal this righteousness away from me, not even my inability to do the right things. I often relate back to Paul in Romans 7:15-19 (ESV) because he well understood our inability to do the right thing and to avoid doing the wrong thing:

15 “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Although my righteousness is secure in Christ, I can act as if its not and subsequently feel that I am no good, a failure, and worthless. This happens when I don’t know the Truth, stand firm in it, and act it out. Praise the Lord that even when I fail to trust Him, He is faithful.

24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7:24-25, ESV)

Guilt. I hate this feeling. I often will do anything to avoid it. I talk to people all the time about this painful emotion in their lives because it is a common complaint. As painful as it can be, it is a powerful motivator. We use it in relationships all the time as a weapon, throwing blame back and forth, trying to make the other person feel guilty so we can maybe get what it is we are after at the time. Guilt doesn’t feel good, so I want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. We pass it back and forth like a hot potato. That can easily lead to me blaming someone else in an attempt to alleviate the guilty feeling. I think, “If it’s someone else’s fault, then it’s not mine…phew!”. I completely avoid looking at my own heart in the process, but hey, “At least I don’t feel bad”. I manipulate the situation and the other person so that I feel better (temporarily). Nothing good develops in a relationship with someone when this is the path we choose. Manipulation and love cannot coincide.

And if guilt isn’t enough to overtake me, fear often is. And because of the extremely negative feeling that guilt is, I believe we can easily develop a fear of feeling that way. I mean, who wants to feel guilty? Therefore, I try to avoid it upfront if I can.This often leads to me doing things I don’t want to do in an effort to not be in the position that I will feel guilty later. The downside is exhaustion from taking on too much, and that leads to frustration. This anger will affect my relationship with those that I am “doing things for”.

I recently got hit with a load of feeling guilty. In this case, it was not induced by someone specifically trying to manipulate me to feel guilty. Instead, this time it hit me as I realized inaction on my part in someone else’s life may have hurt that person. I struggle to sort through guilt when it occurs…to figure out if I actually did something wrong or if I am needlessly beating myself up for something.

When feelings of guilt hit, I question: “Is the burdensome emotion true conviction or is it condemnation?” The Holy Spirit convicts us when we do wrong. There is a feeling that goes along with this that I do not need to ignore. However, the Enemy loves to heap feelings of condemnation on me as much as possible. The trick is, for me anyway, that I can confuse feelings of condemnation with conviction. Therefore, I can be easily deceived here if I am not careful to discern what is actually happening. For example, with my recent experience with feeling guilty, I may give into the lie that I am condemned and beat myself up for something, and believe me, it doesn’t take long of that for me to be depressed. However, if I am being convicted, I need to know that and take action. But which is it?

As best as I can tell at this point, conviction sends a message which goes something like this: “You have done something wrong”. Condemnation sends a different message, which goes like this: “There’s something wrong with you”. There’s a significant difference between these two. Conviction from God points out a behavioral issue. God is not surprised by my behavioral issues. He knows I need Him to come along beside of me during those times. I can’t fix them myself. If I try, I’m not walking by Grace through Faith. He lovingly nudges me with conviction and asks me to trust Him in some way to move forward with Him in addressing the real issue: lack of trust in Him. Condemnation from Satan tries to convince me I am internally flawed, worthless, and rejected. Specifically for me, here are just some of the lies worked into the condemnation I feel at times: “You are an idiot, you are a complete failure, you are a terrible person, and you always mess everything up”. Satan says these things, but disguises himself as “an angel of light” so that I think it is God doing it to me.

In my recent experience with feeling guilty, I have come to a conclusion. It was not a case of figuring out whether I did something wrong or was needlessly beating myself up…it was accepting that it was BOTH. There was true conviction, but I allowed condemnation to creep in on it. I had hurt someone in my life. When that was brought to my attention by God, I almost immediately began listening to the lies. I took a behavioral issue that God was wanting to work with me on and turned it into an argument that I was a complete failure to God and this person in my life. This was a massive overreaction to the situation. Walking by Grace through Faith here is focusing on His Truth about who He is and who I am in the presence of feeling guilty. It is moving forward by trusting and living in the mercy that God provides for me and the fact that I am not behaviorally perfect. I can apologize to the one I have hurt and trust in God’s redeeming work in both our lives. I can trust that, although I make mistakes and hurt people, I am still acceptable to Him because He chose me in Christ before time even began. It’s a done deal. I am His child. When He looks at me, He sees His creation, made perfect in Christ, and He is well pleased.