Author: Neil McLamb

Being self-centered is something we can easily point out in others. We see it in those people who always find a way to turn the conversation to themselves. They complain about everything and how bad they have it. They remind us constantly of their last accomplishment, urging us covertly to acknowledge it and pat them on the back. They get angry when we do not show them enough attention or leave them out.

Self-centeredness is not just a problem THEY have.

However, we need not be so quick to criticize these people for making it all about them. Instead, it may pay off greatly for us to take this as a cue to examine ourselves first, as this self-centered tendency is not something to which any of us are immune. In fact, we may be deeper into that sort of world view than we think.

Self-centeredness can be hard to see in ourselves.

The truth is self-centeredness can be rather hard to uncover when it pertains to looking at yourself. Just this past week, God reminded me of a way I do this. Those of you that know me, know that I frequently examine myself as well as others, trying to understand and help both. The first several years as a counselor, I delved even deeper into the self-examination. This was wonderful because the Lord revealed so many things about me that needed to be brought to light. It was a catalyst for many changes. However, there is a point in which self-examination is not healthy, and I have found I cross that line often.

Self-examination can be a good or bad thing.

When I focus so much on self-examination that all that remains is criticism, I have crossed that line. Think about how we view others when we are critical of them. We focus on their weaknesses and how they are not as we would like them to be. We do not enjoy being around them because we do not see the positive aspects of those people because all we see are the negative things we pick out. When we are critical of ourselves, it is no different. We focus on perceived weaknesses, things that we’d like to change about ourselves, and completely miss anything we could enjoy about ourselves.

Self-examination, by its very name, implies focus on self.

The problem, it seems, is that excessive self-examination is self-centered instead of Christ-centered. If the examination process does not lead to discovering joy in who God created me to be, then I have failed to attain the goal of finding something true about myself. Instead, I have sought out to find “everything wrong with me and fix it”. This is a path to hopelessness as self-help never leads to surrendering and allowing God to do His work in and through me.

Healthy self-examination leads to freedom and joy, not just more things to fix.

To truly understand an object, one will find out the most about it from its Creator. To truly understand, or “find ourselves”, we must not look to discover who we are without conversing with the One who knit us together in our mothers’ wombs. Although I can see glimpses of Him in myself and others, it is not likely I will notice these truths without His influence. The more I know Him, the more I know myself and others.

As a teenager, I struggled greatly with telling the truth. Well, actually, there wasn’t much of a struggle going on. For the most part I did not even try to be honest. There were things I wanted others to know, and there were things I did not want them to know. I discovered, during that time, just how awesome my imagination was. I concocted intricate lies that were sprinkled with just enough truth that I was certain my parents (or whoever I was lying to) would be misled. Of course, I had my reasons for doing this that made perfect sense at the time. Ironically, I was a victim of my own imagination and did not know it.

We can lie to ourselves just as good, if not better, than we can lie to others.

Somehow I had misused my imagination to the point that I believed it made perfect sense that I “had” to lie to certain people. Instead of living in reality, I had fallen into an illusion of my own making. I lived several years lying not only to others, but to myself as well. I bought into the lie that I was better off making it up as I went. I even bought into the lie that, amidst my false persona, I knew exactly who I was and what I needed at the time.

When we lie, we block ourselves from the truth we actually need.

I was missing out on so many truths that would have set me free from the anxiety and depression that resulted during that time. The fact is, I was no where near knowing myself, let alone BEING myself, if I was not consistent in how I interacted with others. I ignored the fact that if I lied to those who loved me, then I was trying to avoid feeling the guilt of doing wrong. I was avoiding the warning lights on the dashboard! I was so focused on doing what I wanted, I missed all the signs that those things could not be what I needed.

When we rely on lies and masks to avoid reality, we sabotage our relationships with others.

Of course, in my mind, anyone who offered me truth had to be crazy, out to get me, or worse. I wanted no part of any conversation that did not validate my decisions. I viewed people who disagreed with me as enemies, uninformed, or just plain wrong. I sought people who would only validate my choices (and my lies). Many relationships I had at the time paid the price for my unwillingness to be real.

Despite misuse…our imaginations are a gift from God.

Our imaginations are, indeed, amazing. We can dream of infinite things to experience or create. God’s creativity is well seen in these wonderful gifts that He has given us. However, as in my case as a teen, our imaginations can be used in not-so-good ways. When our imaginations lure us away from living in reality, they have ceased to be used the way God intended them to be used. Where we sometimes misuse them as an escape from reality or to fool others, He intended them to be used to find ways to better experience reality and love those around us.

A reality check is not complicated, but it’s not easy.

We make the process of a reality check hard because we fear the truth is far worse than the lie we have been living. Typically, looking at the evidence and acknowledging it is all that it takes, but taking a step of faith to actually begin living the truth is difficult. However, it is worth the risk to be able to fully experience the love and relationship God has with us, and to fully enjoy and love those dear to us. The wonderful surprise is that God’s Truth about who we are is not what we tend to believe. If we could only see ourselves as He sees us, it would change everything! I hope and pray that God will open up doors this week for each of us to take that scary step to drop the masks and engage that deep longing to freely be who He created us to be.

Tonight I met with a group of men to honor, support, and pray for a friend going through a very difficult time in his life. Many emotions were felt as those in the room shared past experiences that reflected the essence of who this man is. At the end, this exceptional man stood up front and shared a few words. As he spoke, my thoughts focused on how much fear must be present in his life right now. However, despite the obstacles he faces ahead, he stood tall and ready to face them. I was, and am still, amazed. 

When we hear the words “spiritual warfare”, we might picture a number of different things. My wife tells me she tends to picture the stereotypical angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, both offering their suggestions in your ears. I, being a bit weird, begin picturing an unseen world of angels and demons, attacking each other on a war-torn battlefield, red skies and all.

Phrases taken from the Bible such as “fight the good fight of faith” (1 Timothy 6:12), “put on the whole armor of God” (Ephesians 6:11), and “the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh” (2 Corinthians 10:4) indicate that there, indeed, is a war going on. But spiritual warfare is not all about a mystical war that we cannot see with our own eyes, or whether to listen to the good or bad angel on our shoulder. The fight is actually right in front of us. We are in the midst of a raging war, even in the seemingly unimportant things that we do every day.

If I tell you that bears only want to give you a hug, and you believe me, you very well may get hurt when you go up to one and try to give it a squeeze. If I tell you a butterfly has an extremely poisonous and painful bite, and you believe me, you will miss the beauty of them as you run away in fear of them.

Our Enemy constantly uses the strongest weapon he has against us. This pervasive, potentially devastating force is surprisingly not as dramatic as we sometimes think. His weapon of choice is deception. If he can get us to believe even one lie, he has successfully lured us away from reality. This is what happened to Adam and Eve, and it’s been happening ever since. Sometimes it feels like everyone and everything is against us. It may feel like the Enemy is everywhere, constantly harassing us, even reading our thoughts and making bad things to happen. However, this is not true at all. Once he’s pitched us one of his cunning lies, he can kick back while we do the destructive work ourselves by walking around believing him.

If such ridiculous lies about bears and butterflies can be destructive, put it in perspective and try to picture what widespread damage the following lies can do: “You are a pathetic loser, you will never be good enough, you are fat, you are ugly, no one likes you, you are stupid, God wants you to work harder to please Him, God doesn’t care about you, that one thing you keep beating yourself up for is too bad for God or anyone to forgive, and you are just a terrible person”. In my experience, lies like this are common. They tend to focus on who God is and who I am.

So how do we fight this “good fight”? Timothy blatantly tells us this good fight involves faith. Faith is the most powerful weapon we have been given by God. What better way to fight lies than with truth? Lies pour into every aspect of our life, affecting our emotions, physical health, and relationships. They fuel issues while attempting to raise a child, confront a person who has wronged us, or work through extremely disappointing circumstances. Trusting Him provides us with what we need to dispel lies, see things clearly, and act on things confidently. The Truth sets us free and allows us to enjoy the things God intends for us to enjoy, including such things as relationships, work, and, yes, butterflies.

As a parent, I often find myself in situations in which I want so badly to fix something for my son. It is not pleasant to watch him struggle through things. Recently, he injured himself playing basketball and was sidelined from the sport he loves (track) for several weeks. It was painful knowing he was missing out on track meets he longed to participate in each week.

In that particular case, my son really did not have a choice. The injury was an accident. Sometimes our children, or others that we care about, make choices that really scare us. Sometimes the consequences of those choices are even scarier. What are we to do when we are in the middle of one of these scenarios?

Fix it. That’s right. That is the first instinct for most of us, I believe. Sometimes there is no easy fix, but we worry and devise plans to make things as easy as possible for the other person…to “help” them through whatever it is that’s going on. We often take on the responsibility to make things right, or whatever it is we think is right (sometimes we are clear on that, sometimes we are not). With the weight of responsibility comes feelings of guilt, and things just get worse from there. We begin blaming ourselves for whatever it is and sometimes get so fixated on it that we are paralyzed by it.

No matter how many times I travel that road of “fixing it”, it always starts out looking good at first. However, the road is always treacherous and it never leads to where I wanted it to go. So what’s a better choice? It’s important to notice that “fixing”, in and of itself, implies self-reliance and self-effort. It also implies that we know what the end result needs to be. No where in the process of trying to fix a problem for someone else is there room for trusting God to work things out according to His plan. There is an absence of faith in “fixing”.

So, the alternative to “fixing” is to venture down that road of faith. It may not look like much at first, because we tend to feel like since we are not necessarily scrambling and doing a lot of visible work, that we are on the wrong path. However, although faith is less about “doing” and more about “believing”, it is far from easy. Trusting any of God’s promises can prove to be a very difficult thing for us at any given moment in time.

So what might this look like? Let’s ponder, for a moment, how God deals with His children (us!). Despite the fact that God loves us perfectly as our Father, He surprisingly does not choose to fix everything for us. This does not sit well with us at times. However, one thing He always chooses to do is love us. He apparently knows that the most important thing during a crisis is for us is to be loved by Him. That love is more than enough. It is more important, even, than having our problems fixed for us. Trusting in this kind of love and offering it to others is crucial…and far more valuable than any fix we can muster up.

Not too long ago, my wife and I sat outside having one of our deep discussions. Somehow the topic moved to “Who in our lives do we really respect?”. It was an interesting thing for me to ponder. Having been let down more than once by others I had mistakenly put on a pedestal, I am cautious with whom I toss the word “respect” around.

I think we typically look to people we deem “successful”; having something we’d like to have ourselves. Our definition of “successful” may revolve around the accumulation of wealth, power, knowledge, prestige, or fame. I have noticed that we, in general, will even look up to people who simply have the appearance of success, regardless if there actually is any real-life evidence to support the existence of it (such as a person who is a good speaker, dresses stylishly, or has several followers on Twitter or Vine). 

Upon meditating about these things, I found myself gravitating towards thoughts of people in my life who are authentic; people who are not posing as something they are not. I guess seven years of ministering to people as a counselor has opened my eyes to the value of a real relationship, where both parties are not interested in trying to put up a front. Painful life situations are not fun, but they certainly provide ample opportunity to take up the courage to risk finding and being yourself, no matter what anyone thinks.

Ironically, people who are on the road towards authenticity often do not even respect themselves at times. They struggle through difficult times and think they are somehow a failure because they do not have it all together. Taking off the masks and being real is far from easy.

April Fools!

Just a little joke for April Fools’ Day. Those of you that know me know that I would never push a self-help approach to the Christian walk. Paul knew the foolishness of such an approach and discussed it with the Galatian believers…

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2 Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? 4 Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? 5 Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith—6 just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”?7 Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of Abraham.
Galatians 3:1-7 (ESV)

We are to walk by faith, not by striving to achieve better behavior. Working hard to be a better person did not get us into a relationship with God. God did that through us trusting in Christ, and that does not change once we become believers. We need Christ every step of the way like we need food and water to live. It continues to be through Faith that we can be the men and women He has created us to be. Without His Grace through Faith, I can no more take one step in the right direction as a follower of Christ than I could take one step towards God without Christ before He saved me.

Being raised in the South, manners were instilled in me from the beginning. I learned to say “Yes Ma’am”, “No Sir”, “Please”, and “Thank You”. I was taught to hold the door for ladies, to let them go first, and to walk on the side closest to the road when walking with a lady. I was encouraged to smile when meeting others. I even find myself putting down the toilet seat at work (my coworkers are mostly ladies).

Manners can be a good way to show others respect. Manners can communicate an attitude of friendliness, sending the message that someone else is welcome and/or appreciated. Being nice and respectful is a great thing, unless it comes from an insincere heart.

In a couple of previous posts, I have discussed how we all struggle with shame at points in our lives. Due to these shameful feelings, we have a drive to hide from others. We often find ways to hide (fig leaves, as I am calling them here) that are hard to pick up on. If we are going to hide, we might as well find a fig leaf that hides us well!

Like with anything that can be used for good purposes, manners, or “being nice” can also be used in a not-so-good way. We can hide behind a nice demeanor, a smile, and kind words. I know I have caught myself many times being nice to someone when everything in me is screaming something other than pleasant words. John Lynch, of www.truefaced.com, often says we like to tell others we’re “doing just fine!” when we are far from it.

The major problem with misplaced manners is that we fail to acknowledge to not only others, but to ourselves, that something is wrong. Using “niceness” in this way prevents us from addressing real issues that need to be dealt with. I caught myself many times as a counselor, pushing things aside in order to be pleasant with others. While some of that was necessary in order to put them first in counseling sessions, when I left work and went home without addressing the things I had put aside, I was a ticking time bomb.

So, today, I encourage each of my readers to examine your heart when it comes to the attitude you are portraying to others. Does it come from an authentic heart, or from a desire to hide what’s really going on inside of you? I encourage us all to take a step of faith, trusting that God will provide the strength we need when we choose to be real rather than fake our way through something. We all need healing, and healing comes when we acknowledge to our loving, Heavenly Father that we need treatment.

Have you ever known a message to be taken the wrong way? As most of us have realized at this point, media such as text and email lack the ability to properly convey tone and/or emotion. We say one thing, but our recipient reads something else altogether. If I send someone a question and the response is “nope”, depending on my state of mind, some questions may enter my mind. Why are they being short with me? Are they ticked off? What could I have done? Of course, the recipient may be upset with me about something, but there are other possibilities as well. Perhaps, for instance, he is very busy at work and only had time to type out a quick response.

I have found that we tend to do this with Scripture. Often, we make an assumption about the tone we think Paul, Moses, or even Jesus is using when we read verses from the Bible. One of the tones that we commonly assume Jesus is speaking with is sarcasm. I believe this comes from many of us being sarcastic ourselves, so we assume Jesus to be the same way! Sarcasm is condescending. It is also a good indicator of anger, so when we apply this tone to Jesus’ words, we view Jesus as constantly speaking angrily with a condescending voice to us. Jesus did not always speak gently, but He did not constantly speak out of anger or disgust either.

It is easy for us to assume God is constantly angry with us due to our imperfections. However, Scripture is clear that, through Christ, God fully accepts and forgives us. He is slow to anger and does not ever withhold one bit of His love from us. God is not anxiously waiting for opportunities to strike His children down with a lightning bolt…or with a witty, condescending comment. What would happen if we began taking just a moment to consider He may be speaking with a very different tone than what we first assumed when reading about Him?

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life…O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.(Matthew 6:25a,30b-34, ESV)

Worry is a common threat to our everyday wellbeing. Short term, it robs us of enjoying anything in the present. Long term, it can literally eat a hole in your stomach or even cause a heart attack or stroke. Not many days go by that we do not worry about something. Jesus knew this was an issue for us, so he addressed it.

In Matthew’s record of Jesus’ thoughts on worry, Jesus mentions specific things we worry about. He mentions things like food, water, and clothing. He doesn’t mention things we would simply like to have. He focuses on physical needs, and Jesus acknowledges that God knows we need those things. He knows we need other things as well, such as acceptance, love, and security. I can assume, anytime I worry, I have called into question God’s intention to meet a need that I have. I may have to dig a little bit into my thoughts to figure out which one (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Our lack of trusting Him to provide for our needs leads to us trying to figure out how to meet them ourselves, which is why Jesus lovingly points to the faith issue in Matthew 6:30. Worrying never gets us what we need. I have heard someone say it’s like a rocking chair: no matter how hard you work, it gets you no where. Even if we could answer all the “what if’s” (which is primarily what worry is all about), it still costs way more than it’s worth. God wants us to know the real issue behind it all. He wants us to know it all comes back to our relationship with Him.

Beyond knowing that God says He will meet our needs, we must experience the kind of love He has for us to trust that He will keep His word. When you believe wholeheartedly that someone loves you unconditionally, you trust their motives. You also trust that what they say, they have every intention of following through on. And when it comes to God, He has everything at His disposal to make sure His children have exactly what we need when we need it.