Author: Neil McLamb

Recently, on one of the many tangents my mind goes on each day, I began thinking about what things we value and why we value them. Things such as food and water are obvious: we value them highly because we need them. However, there are some things we deem as valuable that we do not necessarily “need”. Gold and diamonds are things we do not need, but we typically value them highly. Some of us collect and value things such as baseball cards and model cars, things that others may find no value in at all.

Value is an essential part of relationships.

Assigning value in life is not restricted to just “things”. Relationships could not exist without value. If we valued no one, we would isolate ourselves. The fact that we socialize at all indicates that we value others enough to use our time in that way. We value certain people, for whatever reason, so we engage them in conversation and want to be around them. We value some more than others, of course, and it would be deceptive to think otherwise.

Value can fluctuate quickly when its based on getting something in return.

When we start looking at “value” and how it applies to relationships, we can see some of the same characteristics mentioned already in valuing objects. Sometimes we value a relationship with someone because they have something to offer us. Similar to how we value food and water, we may feel that we need certain people. It may be due to connections they have that offer us something we want. It could also be more due to an emotional connection that we rely on in an attempt to meet some personal need. In both cases, when the other person stops offering what we want, we devalue them rather quickly like spoiled food that we cannot use anymore.

Others do not lose their value when we do not expect something from them.

Sometimes value in a relationship has nothing to do with obtaining something from the other person. Like picking up a seashell on the beach and admiring it, we find people in our lives that we value simply because of who they are. There’s something about them we find captivating. A seashell offers nothing more than its beauty. It is what it is. A person we enjoy being around can be the same way. We just love and respect who they are. We value them highly, even when they have nothing to offer us but themselves.

It appears value can be divided up into two categories.

In the context of relationships, we either value someone because of what they can give us, or we value someone because of who they are. The truth appears to be that when it is based on what they can do for us, we do not value the person at all…only what they can give us. It may be a financially lucrative business connection they have, a talent they have that is advantageous to us, an emotional high that they are able to produce in us, a chance a child gives us to live vicariously through them, or some other thing a person can bring to the table that we want. When they no longer satisfy our requirement, we no longer see the need to continue pursuing the relationship. When we value someone simply for who they are, that value stands up to the great challenges that come along in any relationship because the value we place on that person is not based on selfish gain.

Where do we find our own value?

Just as we can base the value of objects and people on something stable or unstable, we can do the same with ourselves. If I see my value only in what I can offer others, it fluctuates. I go through highs and lows like a rollercoaster, dependent upon how well I perform. When I can find something more substantial and honest regarding my value and trust that source, I am much better off. What better source to inquire about my value than the One who created me?

One cool thing about God is that He is not like us when it comes to valuing people. He does not make the mistake of valuing us because of what we can do for Him. He chooses to love us, knowing we can never offer anything more than ourselves to Him. That love is seen clearly in the life and death of Jesus. He offered everything in the relationship He pursues with us. Our value is based on that love He has for us. When we embrace that love, our value is no longer in question.

Both in its physical and emotional forms, “hurt” is an inescapable part of life. Some of us seem to be more exposed to it than others, which does not seem fair. Regardless of it’s severity, it’s a very difficult thing to deal with. When we are hurt by others we can attempt to withdraw from relationships as much as possible to minimize the chances of getting hurt again. We can alternatively look for something or someone to cover up the past hurts. We are let down when we realize these reactions do nothing to heal the wounds. Hurt is sometimes self-induced instead of inflicted by others. We make bad choices, and the result is pain for both ourselves and others that are affected. And then there are those hurtful situations in which no one seems directly responsible. Sickness, death, and other circumstances of life are just out of anyone’s control. These often prove to be the most difficult of all.

I was reading through Colossians a few days ago and noticed that the author’s approach to issues within the Church in Colosse was much different than how we often approach similar situations. One of the issues in the church was the practice of worshipping angels. With angels being elevated to that status in the hearts and minds of the people, they were in danger of losing perspective of who they needed to be following first and foremost: Christ.

Immediately pointing out what is wrong is often the wrong approach.

I find it tempting, in situations in which I observe others potentially headed down the wrong path, to immediately point it out to them. I know I often find myself doing this with my son. I think it is important to say here that I am not always right. My thoughts are sometimes only perceptions and opinions instead of truth. But even when I am right, this approach seems to fall short of the outcome I desire. Instead of helping the person, I drive them away and our relationship suffers.

Love and concern is a great foundation for any interaction with others.

With the Colossians, Paul did not begin with, “Hey, quit worshipping angels. It’s wrong.” Instead, he focused on a few other things. One of the things Paul did was convey his love for the Colossians. True love and concern was the basis for him writing the letter to them. He told them how often he prayed for them. Paul mentioned how he had struggled greatly at times as he thought of them, desperately wanting the best for them. Paul didn’t just have them on a routine prayer list, he devoted a lot of his time and energy to them. And Paul did not just rely on words like “I love you”, his actions were also evidence of his love. When the Colossians read this letter, Paul wanted them to know how much they were loved, period.

Encouragement is more powerful than criticism.

Paul also took time to point out how thankful he was for the good things the Colossians had been doing. He pointed out their strengths, including their love for others and their faith in Jesus Christ. He did not let some of their shortcomings cause him to forget their value and strengths. He showed his thankfulness for the hearts God had given them in Christ and how they had exercised those hearts in what they did. Although Paul knew of the bad teachings that were plaguing the church, he was careful to recall how many good things were flowing through them as well. He chose to address those things first.

Pointing to Christ is better than pointing out mistakes.

Then Paul went on to talk a lot about Christ. He wrote about redemption in Jesus, the forgiveness of sins, and the strength and wisdom available in Him. Paul pointed out how all things were created through Him and for Him. Paul reminded them of the new life Christ has given them, and the former life He rescued them from. After reading through all of this part of the letter, it would be difficult for any believer to be left wondering how worthy Christ is of our worship. With the description he wrote of Christ, the Christian Colossians could not help but be drawn to Him…instead of angels or any other idol.

What is good for others is also good for us. 

What Paul did with his friends in Colosse is something that we need to practice as well, not just in relating to others, but dealing with our own struggles. The war over bad behaviors and difficult emotional states is not won by being critical, focusing directly on what’s wrong, and trying to fix it. The truth is we all need something outside of us to focus on and overpower those things. Our Heavenly Father has abundant love and concern for us. He is not focused on our mistakes. He is proud of who we are as His children and will gladly encourage us along the way and give us what we need. And that relationship with Him was, is, and will always be possible through Christ. What better way to point to that relationship than to treat others and ourselves the way God does?

Identifying myself has never been an easy thing for me. I have often found myself stalling when, in the process of signing up for a social media site, I get to the “about me” section. Immediately, I think about my relationships and what I do. I am a father, a husband, a son, and a brother. I am a counselor and an accountant. Hobbies that I enjoy, such as weightlifting and listening to music, come to my mind. Political views can be thrown in there as well, although this is not something that I tend to do. Having studied temperament counseling, I also know that my temperament (which describes specific and consistent aspects of my personality) is something called “Melancholy”. The information that goes along with that tells me quite a bit about my tendencies, needs, strengths, and weaknesses.

Labels are helpful, but not sufficient.

That kind of information is helpful in giving others an idea of who we are. However, it is not enough. We are so complex, simple labels cannot adequately describe all that we are. Although I can say that I am a husband, or even a “husband that loves his wife”, no one can see how I relate to her and how I convey my love with a few, mere words. If I described myself as a Republican or Democrat, that would give someone a general idea of my views, but would come very short of conveying my complete ideology. We need to be open to the fact that labels are just helpful tools, not something to be relied upon strictly.

Labels can be bondage.

Although helpful at times, labels can also become detrimental. As with anything taken in excess, labels, too, can become excessive and relied upon too much. I remember a point during my full-time counseling work when I realized I had lost myself. I know that may sound a bit strange, but let me explain. While at work, ministering to others, I was fine. While away from work, I was not. I was stressed out and resembled a zombie much of the time. All I could think about was the sessions I had the previous week and the sessions I would have the following week. I was a counselor. Unfortunately, I had allowed that to be ALL that I was. Once I realized that and released that label as the sum of my identity, I found freedom. The label of “counselor” was, and is, a wonderful output of who I am, but it is not ALL that I am. That goes for any other label as well.

Labels may come from an unreliable source.

I have stated many times that I often struggle with feeling stupid. Without going to far into that again, let me just say that a common tendency for me is to assume I am an idiot. This, obviously, is a label that I sometimes allow to describe me. That leads to behaviors and feelings consistent with that label, such as trying to prove myself, attain more knowledge, hide from chances of being exposed as an idiot, etc. It is vitally important to examine the source of our labels. All labels are not completely accurate. However, some are completely inaccurate.

The truth of who we are needs to be sought above all else.

Regardless of the source of our labels, the best way to determine whether or not that source is accurate is to have access to the truth. When we know the truth, the false labels are easily recognized. Once we recognize them, we can choose to believe the truth and act accordingly. A more accurate label can even be applied, if necessary. The trouble here is, where do we go for truth regarding who we are? We can ask family and friends, we can look at our accomplishments and failures, and we can read and study books on the subject. However, the trouble is that those sources can all be unreliable at times. What we need is a consistent source of truth so that we are not blown around by feelings and what we or others think.

Ask God for an accurate label.

Being our Father and Creator, God knows us better than anyone, including ourselves. God is Love, and He is also Truth. As I read through the Bible, I find it very helpful to frequently ask Him the question, “Who am I?”. I have heard others doing it by asking God for his or her true “name”. However we decide to do it, we need to acknowledge Him as the perfect source of telling us truth, including about who we are. If God filled out my “about me” section, what would He say? That’s what I need to know, believe, and hold onto when other sources tell me something different.

Having struggled greatly with anxiety at times in my life, I have had many opportunities to experience and examine its affect on me. Fear is an extremely powerful motivator, but not in a good way. Fear of failure can stall advancement in our occupations, as we would rather play it safe and not try than to face the chance of not succeeding. Fear of the unknown can paralyze us, leading us to choose a risk-free existence rather really living life to the fullest. Fear of what others might think can drive us to be people pleasers, burning us out with all the work it takes trying to make others happy. The same fear can have the opposite affect, leading us to push everyone away as we assume there’s no hope in being accepted anyway.

Coping mechanisms are not the cure for anxiety and fear.

In having ample time to ponder my own fears and the horrible symptoms that come with anxiety (sleeplessness, physical shakes, dizziness, stomach aches, forgetfulness, brain fog, headaches, busyness, irritability, etc.), I have had equal opportunity to seek out a cure, or at least something to lessen the effects. There are very good coping mechanisms available, none of which I will cover here. The reason is this: they are temporary at best and provide no lasting peace.

The one thing we cannot do without is love.

There is one thing I find myself fighting in life, which ironically makes my fears and anxiety much worse. This fight actually gives them more power over me. I fight “receiving love”. Why in the world would I do that? Out of the emotional needs that we all have, love is at the top of the list. It’s what we all come into this world needing more than anything else. God defines Himself as love, and when separated from that love, we are scrambling around, hopeless.

When I fail to receive love, its because I do not believe I am lovable. 

Deep down, I mostly feel that I don’t deserve love. I wonder how in the world someone could genuinely offer me their affection. I doubt their sincerity or think they “don’t know the real me”. Love is generally not comfortable, at times, either. I believe this has to do with the fact that I do not feel that it could be real. I do not even love myself half the time, so how could anyone else? Love also has this wild tendency to bring out my emotions, another thing with which I am not exactly comfortable. I’d rather hide so all my skeletons don’t get out of the closet.

Love and fear cannot coexist.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15, ESV)

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18, ESV)

These are only two of the many passages that specifically state the opposing relationship between love and fear. In Romans 8:15, Paul wants his readers to know how important it is to embrace our relationship with God. The rules we set up, in church or personally, are useless when it comes to finding freedom in Christ (from fear or any bondage). The key is the relationship.

Peace is found in love, and God is love personified.

Experiencing God as our “Father”, instead of whatever image we have of him is crucial in experiencing His love. And that love is what frees us from fear. Instead of fearing punishment, not being good enough for Him (or others), or feeling as if we must work just a little bit harder to earn his acceptance, He wants more for us. He simply wants us to cry out to Him, fall into His embrace, and find the peace that can only come through His Grace.