Author: Neil McLamb

My son, Michael, came home from college last night for the Thanksgiving weekend. He is finishing up his first semester next week. Although it has been an exciting few months for him, it has also been a busy and trying time for him. Adjusting to a new environment with new expectations and new people is not always easy. I know he has been challenged at times. I’m sure it has not been a perfect semester for him. Although his performance has been great, that’s not really my focus. I am proud of him no matter what and excited to spend time with him. I simply cannot say enough good things about him. He is my son, and I love him.

Judging ourselves by our circumstances or behavior is like riding a roller coaster.

Over the past decade, my life has changed significantly. I have gone from being an agoraphobic basket case, to quitting my accounting job, to going back to school, to youth ministry, to being a full-time counselor, to burnout, to where I am now: counseling, writing, and working full-time in accounting again. Throughout these past ten years, there have been moments in which I struggled and times in which I was not proud of my actions. There have been other moments in which I was content with my circumstances and where my decisions led me. When I judged myself by my actions and circumstances along the way, my feelings about myself were like a roller coaster…up and down, up and down, intensely sharp curve!, up  and down.

God does not ride the roller coaster.

What our Father says about us remains the same. It is perfectly consistent. His feelings about us are the same after a poor decision as they are when we make great decisions. He is not easily angered and unpredictable in His feelings towards us.

So, how does God REALLY feel about us?

Like the love I have for my son right now, our Father’s love never waivers towards us. It is intensely strong all the time. He focuses on knowing us for who we really are as His beloved children…not our behaviors. He lavishes His love on us (1 John 3:1). He is proud of us, His children. Although it’s tempting to believe we are messed up sometimes, He did not make mistakes when He knitted us together in the womb. Can He be surprised by our bad choices? No, there is nothing He does not foresee. And despite knowing everything we have done and will do, He still chooses to love us regardless.

Embracing God’s love makes a much bigger impact than we might think.

There’s many amazing things that occur when unconditional love from our Father is truly embraced. Being loved produces courage and confidence. It heals our emotional wounds. Bondage to fears is broken. It melts away bitterness and grudges, and our relationships flourish. Sometimes it is hard to accept this love when so many things in our lives screams it cannot be true, but it’s worth a fight to do so. It deeply matters what we believe about God’s feelings towards us. Trusting Him when He says He loves us changes everything.

 

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you would like to receive email notifications about new blog posts and other announcements, please subscribe below:

Leave This Blank:Leave This Blank Too:Do Not Change This:

Your email:

 

 

 

There are things in this life that we can control, but there are many things we cannot. Knowing the difference can lead to a better quality of life.

Attempting to control things adds stress to our lives.

The inevitable result of trying to control something that is beyond our control is stress. The reason for this is it is the goal to control the uncontrollable is an impossible goal to achieve. Even with a lot of focus and work, it’s always uncertain if we will get what we want. The stress from this can quickly lead to anxiety, anger, and feelings of hopelessness. These emotional states are not only draining, but if they are sustained, they can cause physical issues such as headaches, insomnia, stomach aches, and high blood pressure.

Attempting to control others hinders and even damages our relationships.

We all have free choice. We can manipulate each other to a certain extent, with things like guilt, fear, and anger, but it is actually beyond our control to consistently make others do what we want them to do. Even if we are successful in getting others to comply with what we want them to do, they do it begrudgingly and not because they want to do it. There are enemies of love between two people, and manipulation is at the top of the list. Relationships grow and flourish in an environment that is free, not based on control.

Attempting to control the outcome of situations prevents us from enjoying the moment.

Planning and looking ahead is important. But, if taken too far, it becomes a drain on our joy in life. One necessary element of enjoying life is being able to live in the moment. When we worry about tomorrow, we fail to see what is going on around us…right now. Enjoyment is not found in planning for what might happen tomorrow. It is found in enjoying what we have right now, whether it be a conversation with a coworker or a glass of lemonade on the back porch.

We are tempted to control things at the expense of our quality of life.

None of us would knowingly and willingly give up a better quality of life without being fooled into it somehow. There is, in fact, a trick to it. While trying to be in control feels great in the moment, it is only an illusion that robs us of joy, emotional and possibly physical health, and satisfying relationships with others. It feels good because we are somehow fooled into believing it is better for us to control whatever or whoever we are dealing with at the moment. It feels like there is less risk involved. It also feels good because we are often avoiding the things we fear in life when we are trying to be in control; things such as rejection, failure, and “something bad happening if I’m not prepared enough”. However, when we run from our fears, they tend to grow into monsters over time which are much more difficult to face.

Surrendering Control offers more benefits than the illusion of control could ever promise.

We are let down over and over as we strive to maintain control. Only when we are able to let go of our false sense of control can we truly experience freedom. We can enjoy the moment instead of focusing on what might happen tomorrow. In relationships, surrendering control creates a fertile environment for trust and love to grow and mature. It offers the opportunity to discover who we really are and actually be ourselves rather than hide behind masks that a controlling outlook requires.

The cure for control is trust.

Surrendering control is much easier said than done. We do not typically even consider surrendering as an option until our controlling ways have produced so much heartache that we want out. It’s still a choice, though. And it’s one God has been calling out to us to make in every area of our lives that we want to hold onto the bondage of being in control. The cure for the motive of control is faith. If we truly trust someone, we lose the drive to control them. When we trust our loving Father, the drive to control is removed as the driving force behind everything we do. Emotional, and sometimes physical, healing follows.

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you would like to receive email notifications about new blog posts and other announcements, please subscribe below:

Leave This Blank:Leave This Blank Too:Do Not Change This:

Your email:

 

 

I have known and been exposed to the Bible my whole life. Growing up in what is referred to as “the Bible belt” and having parents that wanted to introduce me to the God they knew, it was kind of hard for it not to be in some way. I do not say this to be a bad thing. Having such steady access to the truth that is available in Scripture has proven to help me along the way. However, I have noticed a trend that has hurt me and tripped me up at certain moments in my life. I have found myself, at times, viewing the Bible as something it is not…or at least grossly understating all that it is.

The Bible is not just a strategy guide.

My friend, Lavelle, and I spent many years of our youth trying to figure out how to beat the newest video game. When all else failed, we would seek out a video game magazine with a strategy guide in it that walked us through how to defeat that one boss we couldn’t seem to overcome. Sometimes we would get lost in one of the game’s large maps and were at a loss as to which way to go. Again, we’d look for the latest strategy guide, in hopes that it would show us what to do next.

I have found myself wanting to use the Bible in the same way. There have been times in which I did not know what to do, so I would pick up the Bible and randomly search for an answer. You know, the old “close your eyes and open it up to a random page” trick. Many times, I came up empty. Or, sometimes, I would be convinced I found an answer, only to be disappointed in the outcome of applying it. While full of truth and direction, it seems the Bible is not just a strategy guide with specific answers as to what to do in order to move on to the next stage.

The Bible is not just a rule book.

Wouldn’t it be easier if God would just tell us what to do all the time? I do not think I’m alone in occasionally feeling that way. However, when I treat the Bible like it’s just a book of rules to follow, I quickly find myself discouraged. I just cannot seem to do all the things I need to be doing. And I cannot seem to not do all the things I’m not supposed to do. It’s frustrating to live my life trying to follow the rules. Actually, it feels downright hopeless.

The Bible is God’s love letter to us.  

Instead of simply viewing the Bible as a strategy guide, or a rule book, I believe there is much more to it. For one thing, it is full of accounts of real people, like you and me, who struggled in life. They were not perfect. They were far from it. Abraham lied and acted cowardly when he was afraid other men might find his wife attractive, so he would tell them she was his sister. David was into pornography in at least one point in his life, as he would go to the top of his palace and view women taking baths on their roofs. Moses acted out of his anger more than once, killing another person in one of his outbursts. The issues these guys and others in the Bible had are things we can connect with, if we are honest. It’s good to connect with others who are forthcoming about their shortcomings. It helps us to know we are not alone.

But then there are incredible stories about how God walks along beside these people, who are much like you and I. These men and women behave poorly, and even blatantly rebel against Him at times. However, God loves them anyway. In fact, He seems to go to great measures to free them from their troubles and give them what they really need. The craziest part of it is He does not require great life strategies or rule-following from them. Nope, He doesn’t demand that they “do better” or “quit doing that bad thing they keep doing all the time” before He offers His love to them. Instead, He freely invites them to trust Him and then embrace an actual relationship with Him. And He didn’t just say it, He proved this love. Christ came and vividly revealed the love this Father has for His children. One reason He did this was so that when we lose sight of how He feels about us, we can remember this great act of God that, once and for all, ended the bondage to sin and displayed a love that was more powerful and secure than anything we could imagine.

To treat this conglomeration of books as merely a strategy guide or book of rules is to vastly understate and overlook the much bigger picture. For one thing, we seem to have a thorough love letter in the 66 books we call the Bible.

 

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you would like to receive email notifications about new blog posts and other announcements, please subscribe below:

Leave This Blank:Leave This Blank Too:Do Not Change This:

Your email:

 

 

 

I remember when I was in high school, I was chosen to compete for a scholarship to one of the universities I was considering attending. I was extremely nervous when I arrived at the place where they would be conducting an interview. Through this interview process, they would eliminate the majority of the nominees. When my name was called, I walked towards the door to where the interview would take place. As a lady escorted me inside, I saw several more interviewers than I expected. There was a place for me at the head of the long table, and several men and women were seated down each side of it. Their judgment of my performance those next few moments would decide whether or not I would be accepted as a potential finalist. Driven by anxiety and fear, I tried to give them what I thought they wanted to hear. In the end, it was not enough. I did not move on to the next phase of the competition.

We are programmed to perform.

Much of what we do in our lives revolves around some sort of performance. If we do not perform well in school, we get bad grades. If we do not perform well at work, we face consequences such as discipline and possibly even termination. Many of our friends and acquaintances expect us to come through for them in some way. In many church settings, if we are not heavily involved, we feel guilty as others pressure us to do more. We are constantly encouraged or required to perform to a certain degree.

There are different kinds of performances; some healthy, some not so healthy. 

A quick search brought me to two separate definitions for the word “performance”. (1) One definition has to do with acting on a stage, in a play, concert, or other form of entertainment. This can also be done informally, when we exaggerate a behavior in order get more attention. (2) The other definition has to do with “carrying out or accomplishing an action, task, or function”.

Unless we are actors on stage, there’s not much room for definition #1  as a healthy part of our lives. As off-stage actors, we fail to be ourselves and constantly try to acquire the praise and acceptance of others. Definition #2 can be a very healthy part of our lives. It’s actually a necessary one in order for us to be productive in our daily tasks and relationships with others.

God wants us to be who He created us to be, not put on an act and try to be someone else.

When God accepts us as His beloved children, He does so by grace through faith. He does not require an interview process in which we need to perform well. He does not require us to be on a certain number of committees in the church. He does not ask that we come through for Him perfectly with proper behavior. Through His unconditional love and acceptance in Christ, we are who He created us to be: saved, holy, citizens of heaven, free from condemnation, chosen, free, accepted, secure, and significant. Our only performance should be definition #2…carrying out our identity in Him, being who we truly are in our everyday lives. When we fail to see this performance in our lives, rather than reverting back to definition #1 and trying to put on an act and fake our way through it, we need only revisit the truths of who He is and who He has created us to be. At times like that, we need to embrace His love and grace to revitalize us and remind us of who we are.

We have no reason to hide behind a mask. The faces He has given us are what this world needs. And its what He loves and desires as well. A good performance is based on trusting Him and being true to who we really are, not trying to please Him or others with a good act.

 

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you would like to receive email notifications about new blog posts and other announcements, please subscribe below:

Leave This Blank:Leave This Blank Too:Do Not Change This:

Your email:

 

 

Time alone is important to me. Without it, I am not myself. If I go a few days without taking time to decompress, I get agitated, anxious, and exhausted. Some of us tend to recharge our batteries with alone time, like me. Others are invigorated by being around others. My son is a good example. However, none of us are without the need to take time to shut everything out and meditate on what’s going on inside of us.

We must forcefully make time to be alone.

Jesus would often pull away from people for some time alone. He did not always wait for things to settle down around him, giving Him an opportunity. In fact, He was vigilant to MAKE it happen. He would take time to Himself even when people were crowding around Him seeking something from Him. Luke tells us about this here:

But now even more the report about (Jesus) went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray. (Luke 5:15-16, ESV)

It appears Jesus knew something important about alone time: if He did not make time for it Himself, no one else would do it for Him. If He had depended on others, He would have waited until it was convenient for everyone else. That most likely would have been never.

Making time to be alone is not necessarily selfish.

Jesus fully trusted God and never sinned, so He was not doing wrong when He pulled away from others for a while. This may appear odd, especially to those of us who are compelled to give of ourselves until there’s nothing left to give. There’s no reference to Him apologizing for His decisions to pull away, which I can’t help but think would have been quite annoying to some people who really really really wanted Him to do something for them. This leads me to the conclusion that Jesus knew time alone is not wrong because it was more important to Him than what people might have thought about Him for taking time for it. Why else would He make such an effort to engage in it without any apologies or the need to offer excuses?

We must seek the right balance of “people-time” and “me-time”.

It’s easy to get lost in busyness. Aside from our daily tasks, there’s often a sea of people seeking something from us. While relationships are important, and we must engage and offer ourselves in them to enjoy them and allow them to flourish, the time away is important as well. For me, one without the other is rather miserable. Without ample time alone, I’m so tired I cannot even enjoy a simple conversation with anyone. If I withdraw too much, I’m alone and miserable. A good, healthy medium is necessary. Knowing ourselves is important in figuring out how to balance the two because we all are wired differently, requiring a different mixture of “people-time” and “me-time”.

“Alone time” doesn’t have to be spent all alone.

How we engage in our time alone may vary, but one thing is for sure: much of it needs to be spent in introspection. We need to make our alone time worthwhile. Sometimes we may be so exhausted, staring at a wall for 30 minutes is the best thing we could possibly do for ourselves. However, if we never use our time alone to examine our thoughts and emotions, we are missing out on making the most of it. Few days should pass that we do not take time to look at what we are thinking and feeling. Our thoughts and emotions tell us so much about what is going on with us. They sometimes are evidence of potential issues we need to address. Once we see signs and symptoms of something going on, our alone time can become intimate God-time. We need to know what’s going on inside of us, but when we see something stirring, we need more than our own willpower to move forward. When Jesus engaged in His last bout of “alone-time” recorded in the Gospels, He was in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-46). He cried out to God. He strongly expressed the emotions He was experiencing. He surrendered His own will, renewing His trust in His Father. That’s what He needed to move forward with His pending crucifixion.

Whether it’s crying out to Him or quietly listening for His guidance, we, too, have a desperate need to embrace His grace and love by faith. That trust in Him is what compels and empowers us to face whatever our next step in life may be.

 

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you would like to receive email notifications about new blog posts and other announcements, please subscribe below:

Leave This Blank:Leave This Blank Too:Do Not Change This:

Your email:

 

 

When I arrive home from work each day, the first thing I do is pull over to the left-hand side of the road and get our mail out of the mailbox. To do this, of course, I must roll down the window. I have noticed, since I have been riding with my windows down, I automatically hit the button to open the window even though it’s already open! It’s kind of annoying, really. I roll my eyes at myself each time I do it.

Some habits really hurt.

If my inability to break habits was limited to simply trying to roll my window down when it is already down, it would not be that big of a deal. But, it’s not. This past weekend, my wife and I had ant problems. Ants decided they really wanted some of the food in our pantry. It was a mess. I was ticked. For years, I have known the tendency I have to take control of a situation like that and make demands of Melissa until things get fixed. If she does not move as fast as I would like for her to, the tendency is to act like even more of a jerk. Needless to say, she had every right to knock me upside the head before those ants were evicted from our home.

Apologies are only the beginning.

Later, I addressed my behavior with her. An apology was in order, but there needed to be more. Obviously, I’m a habitual line stepper (for those of you who never watched The Chappelle Show, it means I have a habit of crossing the line). To simply seek her forgiveness is a great thing to do. Owning my issues is awesome, but if I do not work hard to get to the root of why I keep crossing that line, I might as well save my breath. In fact, I probably do not even mean the apology to begin with.

Habits are behaviors, and behaviors are a symptom of something else.

Digging deeper, I realized quickly what was happening. I have been busy lately. Very busy. It’s been to the point that I really do not like for something to come along and mess up my already flooded schedule of responsibilities. On top of that, fears have been creeping in. I noticed fears of failure and a few other things controlling my thinking. Since I had been allowing fear and anxious busyness to drive me, it’s no wonder I crossed the line and acted out.

Dealing with our core issues is nobody’s responsibility but our own.

I could spend time blaming Melissa for not moving fast enough when the ants were trying to take over. I could blame the people who built our house for not sealing the cracks well enough. I could even blame God for “allowing it to happen”. But if I play the blame game, I avoid personal responsibility for how I reacted to a situation. If I point the finger at others, I fail to allow God to work in my heart and deal with my fears and what’s driving them. The blame game (and any other form of not looking at myself) is not only a waste of time, it hurts me, hurts others, and prevents any growth…so that the habitual line stepping continues unchecked. Anything left unchecked flourishes.

 

Thank you for reading my blog today! If you would like to receive email notifications about new blog posts and other announcements, please subscribe below:

Leave This Blank:Leave This Blank Too:Do Not Change This:

Your email:

 

Last year, after returning from our family beach week, I wrote about sea glass (click here to view that post). This year’s beach week has produced yet another post about this stuff! While on vacation my wife and I scanned the shore for more sea glass. Once again, God used this experience to open my eyes to a few things about myself and those around me.

Sea glass has a story to tell.

All sea glass has a story behind it. Whether it be from tragedy, irresponsible behavior of someone else, or simply being rejected and thrown away, each piece of sea glass has been through some sort of brokenness. For those of us who pick up a piece on the beach, there is a mystery behind what brought it to that point. Though the details are unknown to us, we can know the story always includes being broken.

Sea glass is beautiful and unique.

Despite the history behind it, the sharp edges of a piece of sea glass have been smoothed out over time so that the brokenness becomes something beautiful to look at. Not only that, due to the different journeys that each one has taken, there are no two alike. Comparing them to see which one is more beautiful makes no sense, really. They all are beautiful in their own unique ways because the process of being broken was unique in and of itself. No two stories are exactly alike.

Sea glass is often hidden, overlooked, or unappreciated.

For every piece found there are several others hidden amongst the vast number of shells, sand, rocks, and other items on the beach. Sometimes our perspective keeps us from seeing them, like when we wear sunglasses that filter out the sunlight reflecting beautifully off of a piece laying right in front of us. And then there are those of us who do not appreciate the hunt for these little treasures. Our focus is on something else, so we fail to see the beauty in it and overlook it altogether.

We all have our own stories. We’ve all been broken by hurt, rejection, or some form of loss. Some of us are currently working through brokenness. Others are enjoying some peace on the other side of it. Sometimes we will be overlooked, sometimes we will fail to see our own value, and sometimes we will get overwhelmed and distracted by so many things that we cannot see anything redeemable in ourselves or anyone else for that matter. Regardless of what chapter of life we are in, it’s vitally important to remember what God does with difficult background stories. Like sea glass, He takes our brokenness and turns it into something beautiful. When He looks at each of His children, He sees something beautiful and unique, regardless of where we are in the process of brokenness and healing. Every beautifully unique person has a story to tell that’s filled with struggle. Either we already have a story like that to tell, or we are living one that we will be able to share one day.

It is amazing how many times a day I am tempted to lie about something. There are so many ways to lie. I can act like I know what other guys are talking about when they discuss car engines. I can tell a friend their new dress looks great, when it really does not. I can tell others there is a snake near their feet, just to get a laugh when they jump. I could minimize a person’s situation by telling them it is not quite as bad as it seems, which only temporarily makes them feel better. Or I could stretch a story just enough to make it more impressive.

Why are masks, white lies, exaggeration, and minimization so tempting? Are they even really that bad?

Lies are a control device.

Regardless of what form they take, lies are manipulative. They give us a sense of control. We use lies to protect ourselves, to manipulate others to think or feel different ways, to get acceptance or attention, to get the attention off of us, and sometimes for material benefits such as financial gain. Even when we lie to ourselves, we attempt to control something. In those cases, we attempt to control how we feel, avoiding things like guilt, shame, fear, and responsibility.

We are not the only ones who lie in order to gain control.

Our Enemy, also known as “the father of lies”, uses this same game to manipulate us all the time. His primary source of hurting us is to lie to us. He works through worldly interactions with others, things that happen to us, and even the feelings we have about things we have done. He uses such things to introduce lies like “you’re not enough”, “you are a loser”, “you’re ugly”, “you’re worthless and insignificant”, “you are a failure”, “no one cares about you”, “you are alone”, among countless others. After he has planted a seed of deception, he waters it with more of the same kinds of experiences. Once we believe even a seemingly small lie, it affects everything we say and do from that point on.

It’s easy to see the danger in his plan, but not always so much in our own day-to-day schemes to mislead ourselves and others.

Striving to maintain control is dangerous.

There are certain things that cannot coexist with a lie. One is intimacy. Relationships thrive on trust developed through openness and honesty. You cannot get to know a person who constantly hides behind a mask. You only get to know the mask and nothing else. Love and acceptance cannot flourish when lies are present.

Another thing that cannot coincide with lies is peace. Masks require constant work to maintain them. You have to keep track of lies in order to retell them when necessary, just as you did before. Not to mention there is a risk of being found out! With all the stress involved, true peace is not found in the midst of a lie.

One other thing that cannot coincide with lies is faith. Our relationship with God began and is cultivated by His Grace through us trusting Him as we wind our way through the path of life. Lies are all about control. Faith is about letting go of control. You simply cannot mix the two.

Intimacy, love, acceptance, peace, and faith are just some of God’s gifts that are thwarted by lies, making it a dangerous thing to play with.

You cannot control what happens when you tell the truth.

While lies offer a sense of control, they also come with potentially frightening consequences that are completely out of our control. Truth offers no sense of control. This can make it very frightening. However, it can be the most peaceful, soothing, and freeing thing we can imagine. When we believe and tell the truth, we put control in the hands of the One who embodies all that is true. It’s how we connect with him in a meaningful relationship, and it creates the opportunity to connect with others as well. Telling the truth, whether we do it by removing a mask and being real or resisting the urge to exaggerate, requires that we trust Him. If we believe that faith truly opens the door to receiving all that we will ever need, the truth becomes more appetizing than chewing on a lie that only serves to distance us from God and others.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. (John 14:6, ESV)