Author: Melissa McLamb

The struggle has been very real for me.  I am constantly focused on it and that is only increasing my downward spiral.  What is the solution?  I am frozen until this question is answered so I am on the hunt.  If I can figure out a solution then I can get this under control!  It’s all up to me.  Then, I’ll be free to move on with my life and enjoy it.   So what do I do?  I have become consumed with figuring out a plan to fix me. 

 But……..things are only getting worse.  I may temporarily get better but it is not true, lasting change.  So I carry on the search for the answer. Something is missing, though.  I know it but cannot put my finger on it.   

 Galatians 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  (ESV)

 This verse appeared while I was reading a book as part of my search for a cure to my problems.  I began to think through everything and my search for a plan.  I noticed a common thread……the words I, mine, me.  All I could focus on was my perception of me and how I could fix it.  Needless to say, my perception of me was not a very good one.  It was full of words such as frustrated, angry, cynical, weak, dumb, and the list goes on and on.  This was all I could see.  No wonder I was stuck and growing even more frustrated!  No wonder I was on a search for the next best plan to cure what ailed me. 

 The search for a plan had to stop.  It was keeping me stuck in this pity party I was having for myself.  Yes, I still will make poor choices, go back to searching at times, get angry and frustrated but it no longer defines me because I have faith in Jesus.  I cannot get unstuck as long as I am living like my flesh defines me.  When I do that, I just focus on things that are not true about me like I described above.  Yes, I will still get angry but I am not an angry person.  I will still make poor decisions at times but I am not dumb.  Since I have been crucified with Christ, my identity statement is different.  My foundation is laid with truths about who I am because of Jesus.  I am righteous, holy, redeemed, perfect, and more.  I am okay! 

 I am not saying that plans are evil and if you follow one then you are evil too.  That is not true at all.  I am saying that I realized in my failing search for a plan to solve my problems that my focus was off.  Searching for a plan through the label of truth changes everything.  Truth can show up in many different ways.  It can be words from another person.  It can be something you read. It may be a song you hear or something you see.  God knows how to whisper these truths to us in a way

It goes back to how I see myself and how I see God.  It has to go back to the foundation of truth. 

-Melissa

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Think back to your first day of high school.  The night before you are full of emotions.  You are excited but there’s a layer of fear that you just can’t shake.  You call your friends up to see what they are wearing for the big day.  You wished you had asked that just out of curiosity and part of general conversation but the question had different roots.  Would you fit in?   All of a sudden, the outfit you had picked out for this big day became lame.  Now you are doubting.  I am going to look like a dork?  Sally is going to look so much better than me.  If only my mom had let me buy that more expensive top!

You could hardly sleep.  You’ve waited for this time in your life and now it’s finally here.  Then the excitement started to be eaten away.  Fear and doubt started to take over.  The unknown became the reason you couldn’t sleep now!  Will people like me?  Will they laugh at my clothes?  My braces make me look hideous!  And of course a large zit has popped out.  The end of my nose is now large and shiny, like Rudolph.  Everyone will definitely see me coming!  That’s not exactly the grand entrance I had planned to make!

We all know the feelings and awkwardness that goes along with trying to fit in, right?  You know, doing whatever it takes, wearing whatever it takes and even talking a certain way to make sure we’re “included”.  I wish I could say that fitting in was just something we did when we were teenagers but I would be lying to myself.  We spend a lot of time doing this throughout our lives.  If we didn’t then there wouldn’t be a market for trendy clothing, haircuts, and diets!

More goes on inside of us than simply getting someone to like us when we are trying to fit in.  Comparison, hiding and losing sight of who we are can take over. 

“But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” 2 Corinthians 10:12b.

Fitting in says we have to be like them.  We have to do what they want.  We have to keep our needs and desires quiet.  Fitting in means I look at myself only through a lens of comparison to others.  Where do I stand according to their requirements?  Do I have what it takes?  Am I pretty enough?  Thin enough?  Smart enough?  Funny enough?  The list can go on and on.  I compare me to them.  Comparison feeds the lie that I am not enough and probably never will be.  Comparison says that I must work harder.

Comparison leads to not understanding who we truly are.

Fitting in keeps you from knowing who you are.  We are constantly trying to be what someone else wants of us (even if we don’t know what that is or are just assuming we know).  As long as we are doing that we will hide who we truly are.  We will lose sight of the person God made us to be.  We will forget our own beauty and uniqueness.  We will think the real me is just dumb and unlikeable.

The more we try to act like another, the less we can be ourselves. 

 Embracing who we are because of God’s love and grace gives us freedom to belong instead of fitting in.  Belonging is different than fitting in.  Belonging says, “I love and accept you.”  Belonging is such a gift and it doesn’t require us to change.  It allows us to be who we are and to be loved for it.  Belonging leads to true friendship and relationships.  Love and grace bloom there.

I encourage you to think about your relationships.  Where are you belonging vs fitting in?  Do you see the difference in your posture when you’re around those different relationships?  Have you experienced the true freedom of belonging?  It can begin with your relationship with Jesus.  He is not asking us to fit in with Him.  He’s not asking us to change.  He loves you no matter what you are wearing, no matter what size you are and no matter how smart you are.  Sometimes that’s hard to believe and understand, I know, but it is so true.

I would love to hear your thoughts on belonging vs fitting in.  Feel free to leave a comment and we can discuss this further.

-Melissa

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What do the words small and curious mean to you? These two words can mean different things.  Recently I have read several different things where those words popped up. Small and curious.  These two words have stuck with me.

At times we tend to focus on trying to make everything big, planned and figured out.  Unfortunately during this we miss a lot.  Life’s journey is full of beautiful and intricate details.  When we stay large and uninterested we easily miss it.  When I try to go straight to the end result, I tend to miss the beauty along the way.

Being small and curious still leads me but it allows me to live and love along the way.  Let’s start with the word small.  I’m not referring to size, stature, belittled or cowering.  Instead, small here is referring to my place.  When I’m small, I’m looking up.  I’m seeing life around me. I’m seeing others.  I’m seeing God.  Imagine looking under a quilt or something cross stitched.  The finished result on top is a piece of art but underneath shows all the steps and detail that went into it.  Being small is living and seeing experiences from underneath.

What about curious?  I’m not referring to being nosey.  Instead, curious means I’m being open.  I am no longer just seeing an end result or a plan.  I actually see others and their experiences.  I can see how things work together.  My eyes are open. My heart is open.  I enter into daily life with a sense of curiosity instead of through a rigid agenda or preconceived notion about the person or thing I’m encountering.

Being small and curious brings freedom.  It’ s a freedom for me and a freedom for those around me.  With a small and curious posture I listen to others and ask questions out of love.  I let others talk.  I don’t take things personal.  This freedom also allows me to be okay with not having the answers.  I don’t fix.

I stay small and listen.  I stay curious and love.  Grace abounds.    

Job 12:7-12 The Message (MSG)

“But ask the animals what they think—let them teach you;
let the birds tell you what’s going on.
Put your ear to the earth—learn the basics.
Listen—the fish in the ocean will tell you their stories.
Isn’t it clear that they all know and agree
that God is sovereign, that he holds all things in his hand—
Every living soul, yes,
every breathing creature?
Isn’t this all just common sense,
as common as the sense of taste?
Do you think the elderly have a corner on wisdom,
that you have to grow old before you understand life?”

-Melissa

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It is now 2019!  A new year.  This can mean different things to different people.  Some like to look ahead, set goals and make plans.  Some like to reflect on the year that just closed its door.  I have chosen the latter.  In doing so, a pile of emotions has been poured out and I am not sure what to do with them.  It is like a bag of colorful legos strewn on the floor with no guide to tell you how to put them together.

I began by asking myself this question:  “What has 2018 represented for me?”

I was thinking that this question could be answered fairly easily and quickly.  Boy was I wrong!  I sat for a while and the only things that popped into my head was just ordinary, everyday things that I do repetitiously without much thought.  At first I became a little sad when all I could think of was that 2018 was full of getting up, getting ready, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, cleaning house, doing laundry, going to bed and repeat.  I really sat for a long time and that was all I could think of.  Then I became a little angry at myself.  I know there was more to 2018 than this.  Slowly, things began to pop in my mind.  Fun trips, a great concert, two hurricanes, and the passing of a loved one.  How did those things not pop into my mind immediately when I began reflecting on 2018?

Galatians 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.  And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  What does this mean in relation to actually experiencing everyday life?  It tells me that I have been made new.  Christ lives in me now and defines who I really am.  How can trusting that and living by faith in the Son of God change my perspective? 

 This was something I had to sit with.  I really wanted to avoid it and I kept trying to push it away but the pull to actually experience my everyday life (not just live it) was too strong. 

A few days later Neil and I were reading in Trust for Today by the Trueface Team.  That particular day’s devotion talked about our new identity in Christ.  Immediately my mind went back to my question I had been pondering so I read the entry with that curious lens on.  It asked about living in the freedom of our new identity verses relentless discontentment in striving.  That part stuck out to me.  Well, two particular words stuck out to me:  relentless discontentment.

I realized that I was working hard to find something but did not know what that something was and I definitely did not know that I already had it!

 I am usually trying hard to be content and happy (and to keep those I love content and happy too).  If I am honest though, I don’t even know what I’m looking for.  I keep expecting to just “feel it” and then the searching will automatically end.  So, I guess I keep expecting faith and trust to just happen and then I’ll believe my new identity and there will be world peace!  However, the searching never ends.  It just becomes a cycle because I do not even know what I am looking for other than a “feeling”.

2018 consisted of me mostly looking for something I already had.  I was missing it and not embracing it.

It finally clicked.  My hamster wheel run was never ending because I was relentlessly pursuing contentment (even though I did not have a definition for contentment).  There is contentment in my new identity.  I am searching for something I already have.  I cannot experience it if I’m still searching instead of acknowledging and trusting that I already have it.

Question for 2019

That leads to the next question.  What does it look like to trust in what I already have, to embrace and acknowledge the contentment found there and experience life?  That is the question I bring into 2019.  I have put a journal beside my bed so I can write down experiences of 2019 beyond the daily routine.  It is not something I have put on a daily checklist or am making myself do.  It is just a way to reflect and remember the contentment found in embracing my true identity.

-Melissa

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My name is Melissa and I am a fixer….. 

My son, Michael, can attest to that.  He has definitely been affected by my fixing behavior.  Michael is full of life and energy.  There have been several times, in his younger years especially, when I tried to fix him. I tried to get him to be what others (and myself) wanted him to be.  “Just sit still and be quiet.  Keep your hands to yourself.  Just do what you are told and don’t ask questions”.  Unfortunately, those words have come out of my mouth a lot with absolutely no conversation around them.  It was strictly rules and strictly a way of me telling him to just be “good”. There was never any conversation around who he was as a person, why he did things the way he did, and how to be the real him in this world.  As long as my focus was on fixing him, I missed out on enjoying him and his wonderful, fun-loving spirit.    

What do you think started happening next?  He started hiding.  I was not a safe place to come so he just didn’t tell me when he got in trouble at school or when he was having problems with a friend.  He knew my answer would just be a behavior modification and all about how he needed to be different.  He had experienced the fact that there was no real love in that kind of answer.  My answer instead spoke the opposite of love.   It said, “You are embarrassing me.  Act better so I at least look like a better mom.”  I wouldn’t trust me either! 

Do you ever try to help someone?  You see their “problem” and feel like they just aren’t understanding how to control or fix it.  A lot of times we just jump in to “save them”!  No matter how many times I tell myself that I am doing this because I love the person I am trying to fix, it is not true.   

So, what is fixing really about?  For me, fixing has several synonyms.  It means control and stuffing away of reality.  Fixing means I will be less embarrassed and frustrated.  All will be well in the world….Not!  Sometimes we don’t want to acknowledge that we fix.  At times I think we even fall for the false believe that what we are doing is something that should be held in high esteem. I know I can easily fool myself into believing that I am really just being such a good helper and that I have to be right.   

The truth is though that fixing is not helping.  It’s damaging.  It puts a wall up in our relationships therefore the relationships can’t mature and grow.   

When we remove fixing from our relationships, we are free to actually get to know, understand and love the other person.  As long as fixing another person is my goal then I cannot experience the love they have for me and I cannot truly love them.  Offering an environment of trust where a person can come to me with no expectation of being fixed is freeing for both people.  We get to know each other and appreciate our unique traits.  Relationships thrive and grow there.  Love grows there. 

-Melissa

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Where or on what do you find yourself focused?  I tend to frequently catch myself focused on my to-do list.  If I were honest with myself, I would have to say that it is my security blanket.  I love checking things off and usually for every one thing I check off two more things are added!  I get a little anxious if I do not have a long list of to-dos.  As I ponder on this I realize that I do the same thing with my relationship with God.  I tend to focus on the to-do list and miss seeing Him.

In John Chapter 14, Jesus is talking with the disciples and tells them about his soon coming crucifixion and resurrection. Thomas is confused on what Jesus is talking about and questions how they are supposed to know the way to him.  Jesus responds, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me”. (John 14:6, ESV)

Jesus is guiding their focus.  He does not mention any task or long list of to-dos that will bring them to Him.  He is the way.  He is the focus. 

 If I observe myself enough I will see a pattern.  My focus affects me.  The effects spills over into my relationships and affect others.  For example, my husband, Neil, loves the bread I make and I usually enjoy doing it on Sunday afternoons.    Notice I said that I “usually” enjoy it.  Where my focus is at explains that statement.  When I am doing this strictly out of necessity and because it is a rule I set up for myself then it usually looks like this:  I am rude and sarcastic with Neil. Every time he walks by, I am sure to huff, puff and let out a loud sigh.  I make a point to let him know that I do not have time to talk because I am making his bread!    I am sure you can picture how the rest of afternoon and evening goes from there.  Now let’s look at the same scenario from a different focus.  The truth is I do enjoy baking bread.  I do enjoy the fact that Neil loves it.  It is an expression of love and he receives it from me.  When my focus is on love it looks different.  It is freeing.  It does not mean I want him in my way while I am baking but my response is different.  I can actually speak civilly to him and let him know that I will be in the kitchen for a little while and need to be alone while baking.  There is no grudges or manipulation going on.  I bake the same loaf of bread either way but the rest of my day goes differently.  I am able to enjoy Neil when my focus is on love.  I do not really enjoy any of it when my focus is on it just being a rule I have to follow on Sunday afternoons. 

 Jesus is reminding the disciples that He is all they need.  He is right there with them.  He is the way.  By focusing on Him, the tasks will get done.  They will be done through love because He is love and when our focus stays on Him love flows out of what we do.  Our relationships grow deeper and deeper.  We are changed because of Him. 

 Now don’t get me wrong.  I am definitely not saying that every Sunday afternoon I bake the most loving loaf of bread you could ever have.  I have plenty of Sunday afternoons where I bake bread begrudgingly.  However, I also know what it is like to bake bread lovingly and that is the experience I would choose.  Because I know and have experienced the latter, I am able to catch myself when I am baking for any other reason than love.  I can then choose to continue with that focus or talk it through with God and Neil which brings my focus back on Him. 

 I encourage you to look for your focus this week.  I am definitely not asking you to do this in order to beat yourself up but so you can see how your focus affects you. 

 -Melissa

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