If you are reading this and you are from Central or Eastern North Carolina, you likely know what I am talking about when I say “no-see-ums”. I was bitten by quite a few when I visited Saint Simons Island, Georgia recently, so I know they inhabit that area as well. I read on Wikipedia that these creatures are more formally referred to as ceratopodonidae, which I cannot pronounce. In other locations, they are known as biting midges, sand flies, and punkies. They are these little aggravating flies that are so small you can barely see them, and they are even more aggravating to get rid of. They are pervasive and hard to kill. Being practically invisible makes for a formidable opponent (hence the name “no-see-ums”). Without being able to see the source of a bite (which feels almost like someone jabbed a pin in you), I am sure some are left wondering what in the world is causing the pain.
These little aggravating biting flies remind me of how we often experience things in life that “sting” but the source of the pain is really hard to see. Sometimes it’s practically invisible.
Shame can be a no-see-um.
Shame negatively affects us and can drive everything that we say, think, and do. Shame may come in the form of a past choice we regret. It may be something we feel so bad about that we do everything we can to keep it a secret. It may be the name an abusive parent or bully called us many years ago. Regardless of its source, shame typically forces it’s way into our personal identity so that we cannot see ourselves apart from the shame. However, we learn to hide it so well over time that others cannot see it. However, we and others can see the results of it…which may leave us all wondering, “What is going on here?” It’s like an invisible no-see-um that keeps biting us, but we cannot seem to kill it.
No-see-ums bite us in our relationships.
A husband comes home from work. He sees his wife preparing something to eat and waits for a hug and a kiss. It doesn’t happen. With little acknowledgement at all from her, he huffs and puffs and marches to the bedroom to spend the rest of the evening alone, sulking and angry. The wife, not knowing what is going on, is angered that he has no interest in the meal she has worked hard to prepare for him. She eats a few bites as her frustration boils. She gives up on the meal, dumps it all in the trash, and chases him down in the bedroom. An argument ensues with neither knowing what’s really going on with the other. They focus on their defenses and really get no-where in resolving the real issue.
The real issue is a “no-see-um”. In this case, the husband’s hidden shame became inflamed when he walked in and did not get what he wanted. For all he knew, he wanted a hug and a kiss or some other form of affection. It stung like the bite of a pesky midge when his wife did not comply to his unspoken request. Rather than seeing his underlying issue, he chose to withdraw to the bedroom…and away from his wife. Behind the painful bite of the “no-see-shame” was a childhood of loneliness. With two parents who did not know how to give or receive affection, this husband began to believe he was unloved and unaccepted. He sought the attention of women through physical affection to make himself feel more loved and accepted. However, he did not learn that his worth would never be found in that pursuit. Additionally, he never learned to pursue a relationship by trusting himself with others. Instead, he found it easier to wait for them to pursue him. If they didn’t, he would just withdraw from them until they did…like he did with his wife.
The wife’s shame was different, but no less invisible to the naked eye. Growing up as the middle child, this energetic lady learned early on that the best way for her to feel loved was to please others…mainly by doing tasks for them. That “helpful” approach caused her to stand out amongst her two siblings, while nothing else she did seemed to accomplish that goal. Over time, this turned into her identity: the helpful, dependable young lady who everyone could count on. Sometimes it would not work…like this fateful night when her husband came home. She had failed to discover her underlying issue: her worth was never truly in what others thought of her. She was not merely “a helpful, dependable young lady”. Although nice qualities, there was much more to her than that!
Although risky and difficult, we must choose to hold a magnifying glass up to the no-see-ums in our relationships.
Either one of the two spouses in the prior story could make a tremendous difference in the relationship. However, the difference will not be made in trying to fix each other. It will happen when one or both of them choose to own their part in the discord and allow a magnifying glass to be used to take a closer look at their own shame. But how does one take a step like that?
Trust is the magnifying glass that exposes no-see-ums.
What keeps the no-see-um of shame hidden is this: we hide our true selves from others. Over the course of our lives, we learn to distrust others when it comes to who we really are. We, then, hide those things we think will cause us to be unacceptable in some way. We then put on masks to portray what we think others want, or what we think we should be. In trying to be something we are not, we are blinded to the shame that brought us to the point of being an actor, rather than being authentic.
This is where it gets scary. To melt the masks…to truly address the shame behind the issues in our relationships…we must trust. Yes, it is risky. We may get hurt. We may get rejected. But…sometimes…we will be met with something amazing. It’s called Grace. God enjoys extending His Grace to us. We grab ahold of it through trusting Him and His unconditional love for us. In relationships, this act of trusting Him results in us having the courage to share our true selves with others. For the couple mentioned above, the man could be real with his wife about his desperate desire for her attention. The wife could be real with her husband about her desperate desire for his approval. And not with the expectation that the other person can actually fix all the shame behind their manipulative behaviors, but with the desire to share grace and love with one another in their brokenness. And also…with the trust that God Himself will work in their humble acts of authenticity to actually address the shame in their lives that has caused so much relational pain.
-Neil
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