Do You Ever Think About Running Away?

Years ago, I consistently lived life with what may seem to be a strange motto: “I don’t care”. The pressures of life were increasing at the time. Fears I had not experienced before were popping up all over the place. I was faced with decisions that would affect people and things in my life in a big way. The increasing number of everyday challenges increased the threat of personal failure. I felt an overwhelming urge to run.

Sometimes we can escape without physically running away.

Under all of the pressure, I lost my sense of control. This is where we all are tempted to devise a mask to hide behind. In my desperate search for a solution, I found the only way I could continue to have some control over things. I began telling myself and others, “I don’t care”. If I failed a test, I said, “Oh, who cares?”. If I did something that hurt someone I loved, I said, “Whatever, I don’t care”. If someone hurt me…again, I said, “I don’t care”. If I suspected I might fail at something, before I even got started I would assert my “don’t care” attitude. This way, if I failed, I could say it was due to not trying in the first place. Basically, instead of truly facing fears and responsibilities, I ran away with my motto, “I don’t care”. I avoided and stuffed negative feelings associated with irresponsibility, failure, rejection, and hurting others.

We often wind up buying into the lies we tell others.

After at least two years of living behind this mask, it all came crashing down. All of a sudden, these things I said I didn’t care about caught up with me. Anxiety, depression, and sheer panic replaced the care-free attitude I had run off with. It was as if I actually DID care about the things I said I did not care about. Actually, that was it exactly! However, I had stuffed it all inside with my mask until there was an explosion (or implosion would be more accurate). I had been lying not only to others, but to myself as well. I had bought into my own lie.

Facing the truth, especially after living a lie for a long time, will turn your world upside down.

Now I was faced with a seemingly horrific truth. I actually did care about the ones I hurt, my grades in school, finding a career I enjoyed and could do well in, being accepted, and whether or not some of the things I was doing to myself would have lasting consequences. All of those avoided feelings came rushing over me. No wonder I was panicking. I had created a world that did not exist. I had created a person that did not exist! Now the real me was exposed to the real world, a world in which I cared!

It is good to give away control over the things we care about most. 

With my mask of “not caring” powerless to give me what I want, God worked endlessly on setting me free from it. There is a twist to the truth with which I was presented. I can both care about something AND let go of trying to control it. However, that option seems frightening. Why?

We must first KNOW God to TRUST God with ourselves, others, and other things we care about.

The fact is, we tend not to trust God due to the fact that we have a false image of Him. Our earthly experiences have taught us lies about Him that affect our ability to surrender control. By constantly pondering the question “Who is God?” while reading the truth provided to us in the Bible, the answers we encounter make Him more appealing to us. Instead of looking for what He can do for us, it is much more helpful to look purely for HIM. Instead of a spiteful God, sitting up on a cloud waiting for us to mess up so He can smash us, we discover that He loves us unconditionally like a father is meant to love his child. Instead of forcing His way into our lives, we discover He gently calls to us and “woos” us into a relationship through His love, like a husband is meant to love his wife. Instead of an aloof God who has too much going on to be involved, we discover a Father who wants intimate involvement 100% of the time. This is not a Father who belittles us and points out everything we do wrong. This is a Father that values us and considers us righteous. When we truly believe someone views and loves us like that, we can trust that person with things most important to us. We can take off whatever mask we have constructed. If we have run away, like I did, we can finally return home.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22, ESV)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7, ESV, emphasis added)