Category: Posts by Neil

As we set out in this new year, many of us ready to engage in new and/or revitalized goals, may we do so with the most important foundation. It is by Grace through Faith that we will discover and live out of who God created us to be (Ephesians 2:8-10). Our destiny is to mature into the person He has already made us to be in Christ.

Below, please enjoy a post from the past that Melissa and I felt was perfect to start off this new year. We pray it aids in solidifying a perspective of grace as you embark on your journey with Him in 2019.

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I had the opportunity to revisit my favorite passage of Scripture with a friend this week. I love it when God helps me to strip away all the extra “stuff” in life that seems to confuse and bog me down, as He holds me at a certain place in order for me to calm down and remember what’s most important. Here is the passage:

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8-10, ESV)

It’s all about grace. God’s amazing grace.

It is by grace…nothing other than grace that we are saved. By His grace, we are set free from the bondage of sin. Sin does so much damage. We commit sin, hurt others, and then experience the horrid guilt and eventual shame that comes with it. Other people in our lives commit sins that hurt us, leading to disappointment, broken relationships, and…again…more shame. It is by His grace that sin and all the issues it causes for us are resolved. Our relationship with Him and others thrives on grace alone. Gifts of grace, such as forgiveness, repentance, and love allow the opportunity for the hurt, guilt, and shame to be washed away.

We get to experience His grace when we trust Him.

His awesome grace is always there. He woos us into it by his expressions of love…the biggest having been Christ coming to earth, living on earth, dying, and then being resurrected. But to experience His grace, we must trust Him. Without trust, we fail to engage the relationship He has created with us through Christ. He doesn’t move or go anywhere, but it feels like we are miles away from Him when we aren’t trusting Him. Humility, true humility, is trusting Him and others around us with who we really are. If we allow our shame to cause us to hold back anything, we begin hiding from Him…just like Adam and Eve did in the garden.

Our hard work and striving does not result in us having changed hearts.

It is tempting for us to get into the pattern of trying to earn our way into a deeper relationship with God. We might think, “I really messed up and that is why I am stuck right now. God is waiting for me to get some things right in my life before He is okay with me.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. It saddens Him when we take control of our lives and attempt to earn our way back to Him. He knows we will wind up frustrated, anxious, and perhaps even feeling hopeless. That’s not how relationship works with Him, or anyone. Genuine relationship is about trust, not striving to follow rules to impress someone. We cannot fix not one sin or even the effects of that sin in our lives. When we trust Him, we essentially say, “God, I know I cannot handle this. I need you and the unconditional love you have for me to cover, heal, and resolve this. I need you to remind me that what sin and shame tells me is a lie. There is not something inherently wrong with me, although I may feel that way. I am in Christ, and He is in me. I am what I am because of you. I am loved, accepted, significant, and secure in your grace and love.” By His grace, NOT our works, we are set free to live out of who He created us to be. Grace through faith changes, restores, and matures us.

Living by grace through faith leads us into what God has destined for us.

As we trust Him and experience His grace in our lives and relationships with others, we begin to follow the path of good works He has planned for us. These good works are our destiny. It’s what God wanted for us all along! We get to discover and do the very things that fit who He created us to be. We do not conjure up these acts ourselves. He surprises us along the way, one step of faith at a time, with gifts/opportunities to act out of who we are in Christ. These gifts may include an opportunity to listen, help, serve, give, teach, encourage, or offer other acts of love. We can actually enjoy those things, instead of just striving to make a way for ourselves, doing day-to-day things that never satisfy us. By His grace, while we continually mature in loving and trusting others with ourselves, we get to embrace and experience more and more the acts of love God offers to us through others.

-Neil

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In the picture attached to this post, there are actually three very different things one might notice when looking at it. What do you see?

In life, we encounter situations in which we believe very strongly that we know all we need to know about what’s going on. We are surprised when others have a different opinion. Often, we find out later that we misread the circumstances. Maybe we were partially right, but there was much more than what we thought we saw. We can do the same with people, letting our initial impressions define who we think a person is. Later, we may find out that we were very wrong about our assessment.

Another area we can do this is reading the Bible. There is so much available to us in Scripture, and we have a tendency to think we have things figured out. Many of us have a strong tendency to trust our perspective, but it can be awfully flawed.

Our perspective has been pieced together over time, like an unfinished puzzle. It is unique and important, but it isn’t perfect. It’s always missing pieces.

Our perspective is formed by a lifetime of interactions with others and our environment. Love, hurt, rejection, loss, betrayal, traumatic events, success, failure…it all plays a role in forming the lens with which we view the world around us.

Since our perspective may sometimes impair our ability to judge accurately, what are we to do to help us see what’s really in front of us?

We must be willing to admit to ourselves and others that we don’t have it all figured out.

Input from others helps us see the full picture. This not only includes situations we find ourselves in and people we meet, but even what we see when we evaluate ourselves! Our self-reflection and self-analysis isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We need honest assessments from those around us who know us and love us.

When looking at the picture attached to this post, some see a little girl, some see scenery, and others see a skull. I may have only seen the little girl without having input from others who see the scenery and the skull. No big deal there. It’s just a picture. But when I dismiss people from my lives because my assessment of them tells me they are not worth my time, I very well may be missing out on some pretty fantastic encounters and friendships. If I read over a familiar passage of Scripture quickly without my heart open to what God may be saying to me, I may miss a new experience with God and truth that I desperately need to rest in.

Finding God’s truth is not something we do on our own. We do it together.

Trusting ourselves with each other does not mean absence of disagreement. In fact, disagreement is necessary and healthy along the way. But we need God’s grace to make our way through multiple incomplete perspectives trying to come together in love to discover the truth. The gospel of grace is of upmost importance for us to rely on. God gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5; James 4:6), so to experience grace we must humble ourselves with each other. Humility, or willingness to be vulnerable with each other, is the key to working through conflict and disagreement to embrace truth. Humility lets us admit we need others to speak into our lives. It’s what helps us see not just the little girl in the picture, but also the scenery (which may represent details about what is going on) and the skull (which may represent potential pitfalls or danger) as well.

Ultimately, truth is not just knowledge or things to know. Christ referred to Himself as “the truth”. Knowing the truth is knowing Christ. As believers we are referred to as “the body of Christ”. As “the body of Christ”, we have access to the truth. It’s in us because Christ is in us. However, we must work together, like hands and feet, to realize and embrace the truth. If we try to go it alone, we will forfeit precious moments of closeness (intimacy) with God and each other.

-Neil

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Sometimes in life we experience a series of events that feel like a beating. We are hit with one difficult circumstance, and before we can recover we are hit with another. It feels like one thing after another. Often, a sense of hopelessness sets in. We become angry. Anxiety increases as we anticipate the next punch in the gut. The fact that it’s not just one thing that has happened to us, but many, makes it seem more likely that it’s an attack on us.

What is going on? Is God ignoring my pain? Why doesn’t He fix this? Does He care? Is He angry and punishing me? What did I do wrong to warrant this?

Those are just a few of the questions that arise in the midst of circumstances that seem to snowball until it is all more than we can handle.

Why doesn’t He change our circumstances?

Good question, but I’m not even going to try to answer this one. When we try, we go in circles. I have read many writings in which the authors have attempted to tackle this question. They all fall flat for me. The answers I’ve found sound like something that came from a person who had no idea what it was like to get knocked down repetitively in life. Perhaps they were well-intended responses, with the goal to help others. However, pat answers are not lasting solutions.

The truth is, 99% of the time we have no idea why He chooses not to step in the way we would like for Him to. So, instead of mulling over a question that we could spend years on and still get nowhere, let’s look at a question that we can actually tackle and see where it takes us.

What did I do wrong to warrant this?

This question implies that we are being punished when we experience bad circumstances. It assumes there is something wrong with us, and that God is displeased with us. Paul says in Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. In John 9:1-3, when asked by the disciples whose sin caused a man to be blind, Jesus responds like this, “…It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” The man, nor his parents, had done anything to cause his condition. Jesus also implied that God was working in and through the man in the midst of his blindness. What we can derive from this, and this is very important, is that when faced with bad circumstances we tend to lose sight of who we are and who God is. The questions we wind up asking reflect this distorted view.

There are three truths that may help us see things more clearly.

First of all, when we place our trust in Jesus Christ, we become new creations. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” As believers, we are “in Christ”. With this new identity, we are fully accepted, loved unconditionally, forgiven, saints, adopted children, complete, friends of Christ, justified, and free from condemnation. No longer is the word “punish” used in reference to us. Christ took all the punishment for sin on the cross.

Second, God is not who we think He is sometimes. When we see Him as a vengeful, displeased, angry, or aloof father, we see Him incorrectly. We’ve been lied to by others, our circumstances, and perhaps even our feelings. God is, instead, intimately involved in our lives, kind, compassionate, always pleased with us in Christ, full of grace and mercy, tenderhearted and forgiving, and smiling as He thinks of us. God is proud of us, His beloved children! (Romans 8:28-29; Hebrews 12:5-11; 2 Corinthians 7:4).

The third truth is not like the first two. These first two truths are foundational for us. When we trust the truths of who we are in Christ and who God really is, our perspective changes. The way we interact with others changes. Everything changes. This third truth is important when we just don’t have answers. This truth is this: “God is mysterious, and so are His ways”. This is not something we want to hear when we are struggling. We want answers. However, many times we do not get them…or we wait years until we finally get them. Although He has mysterious ways, we can choose to trust the truth that He is lovingly involved even when we cannot see it ourselves. This may require us to open up to trusted others and express our feelings, our doubts, and our needs. When we are hurting, we need to be heard. Insightful and caring input from others who listen well to our words and needs can help carry us through those times when the first two truths are evasive. God may be mysterious at times, but it is not hidden that He works through our relationships with others to care for us and meet our needs.

-Neil

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A couple of years ago, I was watching a video in which Bruce McNicol (of Trueface) discussed what he called “The Matrix”. His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I often live in a matrix when it comes to the concept of God’s grace. I do not think I am alone.

Too much knowledge, not enough experience.

Many believers have access to plenty of knowledge of what Scripture says. Preachers preach it. Sunday School teachers teach it. Small group leaders facilitate the presentation of it. Apps on our phones will even read it to us straight out of whatever translation we want to pick. In America, most of us are not lacking the ability to learn what is in the Bible.

While being free to learn and know so much about God, the abundance of knowledge does not necessarily make us livers of what we know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt He knows us intimately. However, just because we know things about Him does not mean we are experiencing the love and grace He wants us to receive.

Love must be experienced for it to be real to us. Otherwise, it is just another word.

Knowing things but those things not sinking in and changing my perspective is “The Matrix” that I’m referring to. Me telling people my wife loves me because she tells me so does not equate to me embracing her love for me. In fact, she cannot make me receive her love no matter how much she loves me. Also, my effort to learn more about her and reciting her words to me that she loves me does not lead to intimacy with her. Sure, those efforts on my part may be helpful, but they will not assure me real, deep connection with her. It is the same with God.

So many of us go to organized religious settings, sitting and listening to sermons, participating in small groups, listening to “Christian” music, and reading our Bibles and “Christian” books. Again, while these activities may provide much needed truth, we can easily wind up in “The Matrix”…knowing a bunch of things that we don’t really experience in our daily lives.

We must acknowledge what we know but don’t truly trust.

How can we avoid being trapped in “The Matrix”? First, it is good to openly acknowledge those things that we say we believe that there is little to no evidence that we actually believe. For instance, God says He loves me unconditionally. Therefore, if I find myself constantly working hard to try to please Him out of fear of rejection, then I am not truly resting in the reality of His never-ending love for me. This type of realization is not easy for most of us. We are very used to just saying what we are supposed to believe as if we actually believe it. Many of us have learned to “fake it until we make it”. Hogwash. God doesn’t want us to fake a thing. He desires that we trust Him by acknowledging our struggle to believe truths and to surrender those things that keep us in bondage…including those things that keep us locked up in “The Matrix”.

We must let ourselves be loved.

Second, we must embark on the wonderful, but often scary, journey of letting others love us. This requires us to practice humility in order to let people into our lives. This means taking off the masks we hide behind so that people can see the real us. Then, when they love us, they are loving US…not our masks. Then, and only then, can we receive the love others have for us. Otherwise, our masks keep it from us.

Living and experiencing love from our Father and each other is what grace is all about. The Matrix serves only to put forth the false image of living out the gospel as we can recite it without any experience of it changing our lives. The gospel of grace is so much more than a theology for us to learn and know. It’s an environment. It’s relational. It changes everything.

-Neil

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I’ve written quite a bit about hiding our true selves from others. I do it for several reasons. One of those reasons is how hiddenness prevents us from enjoying and getting close to each other.

A sinister thing about hiding is that you can do it in plain view of others. We can go to church every Sunday, join several godly-looking committees, put on a big fake smile and flashy clothes, look down on those who don’t do those things, and feel pretty darn good about ourselves. Others may envy us as we look like the “good Christian who has it all together”.

All the while, we have things just beneath the surface of our masks that look nothing like the show we are putting on in front of others. We may find ourselves denying that those things even exist. When we stumble over them, we sweep them back under the rug as soon as possible so we don’t get exposed.

For some of us, the mask doesn’t ever seem to slip. We’ve fashioned it in such a way that it fits snuggly against the face we want to keep hidden…a face we haven’t even seen ourselves in a very long time.

Let me drop the symbolism here for second. In short, none of us are as “well-put-together” as we often want to seem. We have pet sins that we just can’t seem to put down. We aren’t as “successful” as we wish we were. We aren’t the father, mother, son, daughter, or friend we had hoped to be. We have deep hurts that seem to persistently bleed through the bandages we keep throwing on top of them.

Ironically, while we disguise ourselves so that others do not see our faults, there is a tendency for us to look at others and pick them apart. In fact, the thicker our own masks are, the more we are tempted to do that to others. The slightest slip-up in another person’s life and we are ready to toss them aside…all the while using them as the source of some juicy gossip. While we laugh and feel accepted in those conversations, we are again fooled by masks around us. If the primary source for conversation is gossip, then authentic friendship is the furthest thing away from the conversation.

When we get home from a long day of putting on a show, we often continue to hide in different ways. Some of us withdraw to TV, some hobby we’ve picked up, or too much to drink. Some of us let all the frustration spill over with those we are closest to, so they do actually get something real from us. However, unfortunately it is a lot of misplaced anger that only serves as another layer of something to hide behind. Then there are those of us who slip on another mask as best we can and try to keep the charade going at home.

Is there no end to this madness? It’s nauseating when we take notice of what we are doing and what’s happening around us. Billboards blatantly lie to us about what we can expect if we just give them some of our hard-earned cash. The news tells us a warped, biased version of what’s really going on in the world. And local churches even get sucked into the phoniness with empty platitudes and the all-to-often-used response, “We’re doing just fine!”

Where can we go to find something real and authentic? More importantly, where can we BE real and authentic?

The answer is a hard one to swallow. We can start being real right where we are. It isn’t easy. It’s scary. What if we let others see who we really are and they don’t like it at all?! Is it even worth the risk? For many of us, the answer is still, “No, it’s not”. But for some of us, taking that risk is looking more and more inviting as we tire of the mask-wearing and phony lives that leave us feeling empty and cold.

While it’s scary to take off the masks we hold so dear, it’s also usually hard to figure out how to do it. They are often applied with something not unlike superglue. We don’t know ourselves after we’ve spent so much time covering up our true selves.

So, the question is posed. Who am I really? I need to know some sort of answer, at least a hint, in order to embrace and be my true self.

If I wanted to find out about a product of any kind, the best place to go would be the person who created that product. Who invented it? Reading about what goes into the product is not enough. Actually talking with the creator would serve to give us the full picture of what that product is and what it’s designed for. Actually knowing the creator would give us a sense of what went into the making of that product.

The same is with us. We need to seek our creator if we are to truly understand who we are. God formed us in our mothers’ wombs. He actually knew us long before that. We can read about the truths of who we are in Scripture, and that is good. However, reading is not enough. Simply having knowledge is not enough. We need a relationship with our creator in which He can walk with us and continually show us how He views us in order for us to let it all soak in. It will only be a reality we can live out in our lives once we have had experiences with Him that permeate every fiber of our being.

This may all sound a little kooky, or at least too over-simplified and/or over-spiritualized for those of us truly struggling with our masks and wanting freedom. Perhaps we must start with something tangible and right in front of us. Maybe we need to sit down with one person we trust and ask them to tell us what they see when they look at us. That person may be surprised by that question, so we may need to press them a little to be honest. We may need to share just a little about what we are pursuing. We may need to share our own observations of them. This isn’t a time for criticism and fake compliments, but for sharing real insight into what we see at the very core of each other. The realness in that little conversation might break the seal on the old mask we put into place long ago.

Humility (being real about who we really are) can start with the smallest step of faith you can imagine. Ask God for an opportunities to experience trusting Him and others with yourself. That’s a prayer He loves answering. We will miss some of those opportunities, no doubt. But the ones we embrace will make all the difference in the world.

-Neil

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A few weeks ago, while engaged in conversation that included a close friend of ours (my wife and I), this friend told a brief story that has stuck with me ever since. She, a mother of two, told about how her daughter often runs to her room during the night when there is a thunderstorm. The young girl is afraid of the lightning, like many of us were at that age (and possibly still are even today!). Our friend emphasized the depth of security her daughter felt in her mother’s arms while the lightning bolts hit all around, causing loud thunder. Despite the fact this mother could not stop the storm, or even make her daughter completely safe from it, her daughter was comforted to be in her presence.

God could remove the lightning from our lives, but He rarely does this.

The parent-child relationship is a reflection of the relationship God has with His children. This story, shared by our friend, caused me to ponder what her experience with her daughter can tell me about my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Often, God does not choose to take away the things that bother me in my life. The irritations, heart breaks, disappointments, fears, and other things that hurt me often remain despite my pleading with Him to remove or fix them. What are we to do when He doesn’t take away the lightning in our lives? If I take notes from the young girl, what is it that gives her such peace when in her mother’s arms?

Security is not something we get from a lightning rod.

I know this young lady fairly well. I also know the relationship she has with her parents. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that they love her. I am sure there will be times, such as disciplinary interventions, that she might struggle with that truth. However, there is a firm foundation of guaranteed love that has no bounds. I’m betting she always comes back to that truth. THIS is what we need with God for true security. We, all too often, believe that God must take away the lightning in our lives for us to have peace. That is a lie. All we need is to be able to run to Him and allow Him to hold us in His arms while the thunder crashes all around us.

Security is a direct result of living in His love.

I am presently convinced that the most difficult part of our walk of faith is believing God’s love for us is everpresent, unconditional, and neverending. Evidence of this is seen in the fact that many of us struggle with security almost every day, showing up as fears and anxiety. It’s far too easy to lose sight of how He loves us because we have an endless number of sources telling us otherwise. Where the young girl in the story has a firm foundation of love with her mother, many of us struggle to rest in it with God. That means a new foundation is needed, and that is not an easy transition. A new foundation begins with being willing to tear down any and every thing that tells us something other than what is true about God’s love for us in Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). And it requires something so simplistic that it boggles my mind how powerful it is: faith like that of a child.

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“For ‘All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.’ And this word is the good news that was preached to you.” (1 Peter 1:24, ESV)

Grass and flowers eventually die. Even the most beautiful flowers eventually shrivel up and waste away. Our human potential is similar to these things. Human beings are amazing creatures. Some of us are capable of pretty fantastic accomplishments. However, our potential is limited. We can only go so far and accomplish so much, and if you take notice, those of us who strive and strive for the top never seem to be fully satisfied. The payoff may be great for a while, but it is always temporary.

Reaching our own potential cannot compare to God’s predestined plan for our lives.

God has a different plan for us than trying to live up to our human potential. His power is eternal, not limited like our own abilities. His plan’s beauty never fades. His ways are better than our ways. Trusting in my own ability to manage my life only allows me to reach my flesh’s potential. Trusting God opens me up to realize the destiny He has planned for me long before I was even conceived.

But how can we tap into this “destiny”, or God’s plan for our lives? As stated above, trusting God is the key. First we need to call attention to the cycle that we are in. It must be broken.

Submission to God’s plan begins with breaking our control cycle.

I want to be in control of my life. Sure, I know the right thing to say is that I submit to God’s plan. Sure, I know that limits me to accomplishing only my human potential. However, I often lean on my own understanding. To say otherwise would be a lie. I only need to look at the evidence that clearly proves I tend to have control issues. I am often frustrated when my meticulous schedule for the day is messed up somehow, and I catch myself getting angry when others do not act the way I want them to. We all need to be honest about our tendency to try to do things in our own power. If we cannot own this behavior, then we will remain stuck in that control cycle. Humility is the only way to break the cycle, which means being open and honest about ourselves with others and God. This often starts with being willing to be honest with ourselves.

By grace through faith (trust) we are saved, not just once but moment by moment, and able to do the things He has planned for us.

Unfortunately, we Christians tend to throw around words like “faith” and “trust” to the point that they lose their impact. Merely knowing these important theological words will not free us to live out the destiny God has for us. We must experience these intimately with our Father in Heaven.

Trusting God means trusting who He says He is and who He says I am. When we trust Him, we submit to His will in our lives and are able to experience what He has planned for us. To be able to submit to Him in any way, it is key to trust that His involvement in our lives is motivated by love. We will be prone to trust those that we believe love us, and His love is unconditional. Therefore, it is the most trustworthy of all love that we can ever experience.

Many life experiences whisper to us that He cannot be trusted. Our wounds and fears warn us to self-protect rather than trust Him to take care of us. I believe Jesus’ extravagant love demonstrated before and on the cross was necessary for us to be able to connect with and trust God…particularly after we have lived in this broken world that wounds us each and every day.

Experiencing God’s destiny for us is synonymous with living out of who God says I am.

We cannot take a step into our God-given destiny without knowing who He says we are and then trusting that truth to the point that we act on it. Believing the truth of who we really are in Christ allows us access to God’s power to make decisions based on conviction rather than fear, shame, or some warped human desire that gets us caught back up in the human potential/control cycle.

Rather than reading the Bible to find out what to do, we need to read the Bible while asking “Who are you God and who do you say that I am?”

God is not a fairy god mother we can persuade to do things our way, and the Bible is not a manual on how to reach our human potential. It is much more freeing and helpful to seek Scripture as a source of revealing who God really is and who He says we really are. As God shows us these precious realities, we have access to the truth we need to then trust in our daily lives. And as we walk in these truths, we walk according to the Spirit and into God’s destiny for us: to live out of who He says we are.

As we forego reaching our human potential, we begin to be able to pray the prayer that a hymnist wrote many years ago. “Have thine own way, Lord. Have thine own way.” His way is so much better than mine.

The other day I was in a funk. I had been for a few days. The frustration and feelings of hopelessness were taking over. It was like a snow ball going downhill, growing and growing. Then, all of a sudden I was confronted by someone, and I didn’t like it.

Being ready to be wrong is not usually our first response. 

While getting ready for work, my wife turned to me and said, “Do you mind if I tell you what I’m seeing?” I was surprised. My first instinct was to say, “Heck yeah I mind, if you are going to tell me how this is MY fault somehow!”. I felt justified in my feelings and my wallowing in the pity party. I felt right to act that way. However, I dug down deep and made a choice that I don’t always make. I was worn out from feeling frustrated and stuck. I was ready to be wrong.

We tend to value “being right”. 

Being ready to be wrong (humility) is underrated in relationships. We tend to favor being right, especially when things get heated. This unwillingness to give up the fight to prove we are right causes a lot of relational damage. As “right-fighters”, we hurt each other and create distance between one another.

Our relationships thrive when we are ready to be wrong.

Bill Thrall once said, “Conflict never destroys relationships. Lack of Humility does that.” This is a transformational truth if we will let it be a reality in our lives. Conflict is not fun, but it is not our relational enemy. Lack of humility is the true enemy in our relationships. It destroys them.

Humility is scary, but freeing and healing.

When my wife asked me if she could tell me something she was seeing in me, it was scary. I wanted to hide my fear behind a wall of defensiveness and anger. I did not want to hear that I was doing something to keep myself stuck. It’s not pleasant to have a mirror held up in front of me when I have egg on my face. However, in this case, thankfully I let her tell me what she had been seeing in me. It was hard truth, but it was from a heart of love. She wanted to love me, and I let her. Humility lets us experience love.

I trusted her with myself in that moment. Not only that, I trusted myself with God as He worked through the words she spoke to me. The readiness to be wrong (humility) opened me up to experience an environment of love and grace. I experienced a freedom I could never have experienced if I had continued to declare my justification for being angry while rehashing everything that was not going my way.

-Neil

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This morning, I got ready for work and then went to where Melissa was to ask her a question. I was in a good mood. Well, I was trying to be. After getting a response, she asked me for my insight on another subject. She was struggling with a task she was working on. She wasn’t meeting her goals and wanted my input. I needed more information before giving feedback so I asked some clarifying questions. Part of her answer included the fact that she was “always tired”. My response was, “Whine, whine, whine”. You probably can guess that she was not impressed with my comment, to say the least.

The Aftermath…

In the proceeding conversation, we talked about what I meant and why I said what I said. First, I talked about me being impatient with her, but that just didn’t seem to get to the bottom of why I would be so insensitive. Then I focused on how I felt like she was frequently being negative in what she thought and said. Basically, I was subtly putting the blame on her. Another assessment was that it was just a misunderstanding. Nope, that didn’t seem to hit the mark either. We were searching for the heart issue that led me to disregard my wife’s feelings and struggle, and it finally it hit me.

The “A-ha! Moment” occurs.

I whine too! A lot! For a brief moment, as I was talking with her this morning, I actually wasn’t whining. Then I got angry when I thought she was! This was MY issue, not hers! Paul was right when he wrote, “Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things” (Romans 2:1, ESV). How could I look down on what I perceive as another person’s whine-fest, when I “practice the very same thing”?!

Why do we do this?

One reason I did this, and a possible reason we all do this, is because of the frustration of struggling with something I cannot seem to fix or control in myself. I don’t like that I whine about things. However, I catch myself doing it. I don’t like things that I whine about not changing. Anger sets in because I fail to let go of my expectations and continue to whine when they are not met. This anger brews to the point that when I sense my own type of behavior in others, the anger seeps out. It may come out as a snide, sarcastic comment, or in some other way. I often hurt somebody close to me in the process.

We must be willing to look at ourselves in the mirror.

It is so very important for us to look at ourselves when evidence presents itself that something is wrong. Temptations to blame others, deny a problem with ourselves, and to hide behind some form of angry behavior will be pressing on us. However, we can choose humility over those things and be honest with ourselves and trusted others around us (in my case this morning, it was the one I hurt…my wife). We need to remember that when we see something in someone else that provokes such an angry or, in some other way, hurtful response that it’s likely because of a personal, unresolved heart issue.

Our failures never change God’s love for us.

Because of His unchanging love for us, God wants to resolve these issues that cause us and our relationships such a problem. He knows that we are powerless to manage our wounds, so He is constantly working on our behalf. He desires that we be free to enjoy each other through giving and receiving love. To tap into His power over these things, the first big step is to practice humility. We must acknowledge that, even if someone else has done something hurtful, if we respond with hurtful words and/or actions then THAT reaction has something to do with us. Whether our heart issue is due to hurt (something someone else has done to us) or guilt (something we have done), God can help us sort it out in the presence of humility and set us free from the bondage we are in.

– Neil

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