Category: Posts by Melissa

I often struggle with viewing my relationship with God as completely separate from my relationships with others and something that I have to have “right” before having a true relationship with others. God has been showing me differently. One way my relationship with God is manifested is through my relationship with others.

Sometimes I look at relationships as “work”. Mostly that happens when I’m trying to keep a mask on or a wall up around this person. That can feel like work and can lead to frustration, anger, disappointment, etc. When I have a mask on or a wall up that person cannot love me or get to know me. I cannot love them or get to know them. Usually that mask is put on because I don’t want them to see how stupid I am or how messed up I am! The wall of defensiveness comes up when that person is messing up my plans for the moment and also when I feel they are trying to control me. Our shame speaks lies to us and unfortunately I quickly latch onto those lies and live like they are true. The only result possible here is no relationship and a headache!

Entering into the same scenario with humility (trusting God and others with my true self) looks very different. What if I approach relationships accepting what is already true about me because of God’s grace? What if I didn’t let my shame tell me that I have to look like I have it all together and that I know the answer to all their questions? Experiencing a relationship without those attachments frees me to not be so focused on myself and their response to me and opens the door for authentic communication and love.

Recently I had an opportunity to talk with someone about something personal in their life. I had gathered some information that made me think they had experienced a personal tragedy at some point. I thought about talking with her and lovingly getting to know more about her and her story. At first I thought, “I don’t have time for this really. I don’t really know her so what if she gets all emotional and I’m stuck for two hours? I would be uncomfortable with that. Or what if she ask me for advice and I won’t know what to say? I’ll just look stupid. What if she asks questions about me and my story? What will I say? What if she gets mad? I’ll feel bad for bringing it up.” These are all fears that pop up because of lies I have chosen to believe about myself at times due to my shame. Instead I chose to live out of what is true about me. I chose to accept the fact that I am loved no matter what and start the conversation. We ended up having some similarities in our story and we openly talked about those things. She got to know more about me and I got to know more about her. It was a time of listening to her story and her listening to mine. That’s all. But through that simple conversation we were able to see our true selves and how our story has impacted us.

So what does this have to do with my relationship to God? 1 John 1 verses 5-7 tell us that God is the light and if we walk in the light and truth we also experience life with one another (my paraphrase). Trusting that what God has done in me is true allows me to experience those truths and freedom with others. That is fellowship with God through others.

-Melissa

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Walking alongside someone as they experience grace is not only for them but also for you. 

My husband, Neil, and I have been married for over 19 years so obviously we’ve been through a lot together.  We’ve shared many things but the way we have shared life together has changed over time.  There are times we’ve faced stuff together just because we “should” or just to “keep the peace.”  But there have also been lots of amazing times that we truly shared life together and truly offered and accepted grace and love from God and each other.

The outcomes of these different experiences show me how the latter is no doubt the way God designed relationships.  Experiencing life out of obligation leads to nothing but frustration, stress, poor communication, and a long list of many other things that put a wall between people.  Relationships can’t grow when a wall is there or when mask are being worn.

Authentic conversation trumps obligatory dialogue.

Recently Neil and I have been having some amazing conversations.  We are walking with a group of people through a course from Trueface.org.  I definitely encourage you to check out their ministry.  Their teaching has shown me that God’s grace is sufficient and that He wants a relationship with me and not an obligatory one with a list of “shoulds” and “keep the peace tasks.”  I have always struggled with thinking that I had to have everything right between me and God before I could rely on relationships.  I’ve experienced great freedom in knowing now that my relationships here on earth are part of my relationship with God.

An example of this is based on some recent conversations between Neil and I.  If you know us you know we can get into some deep conversations, especially Neil.  I’ve been honored to walk alongside Neil as he has recently discovered a root cause to a deep lie he has been believing.  I can’t begin to explain how amazing it has been to see this.  It’s not always been pleasant because it has brought up some things that hurt and usually I am very uncomfortable with this and want to put on my “fix it” mask.  This experience has been different.  He was openly sharing with me.  I was able to actively listen and just be with him.  I did ask questions but they were based on getting a deeper understanding and not based on fixing him.  We allowed God’s grace and love to flow and that’s all that was needed.

On the other side of grace is love and freedom in relationships.

Seeing him on the other side of this discovery has also been amazing.  I’ve seen how this freedom has affected him.  He doesn’t replay things over and over in his head and beat himself up about what he “should’ve done differently.”  This is leading to more laughter and less frustration.   We’ve both noticed this.  It’s a new freedom in our relationship that only came from trusting God’s grace in our relationship.  It never would have happened if I had just listened to him because I had to.

-Melissa

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I am excited to tell you that my wife, Melissa, plans to start sharing with you here on the blog. Please take time to read and enjoy the following wonderful post from her. – Neil

My husband, Neil, and I talk a lot about things we’ve read or heard.  It’s interesting to hear how different our take-aways can be after reading or hearing the same thing.  Last week he posted a blog he wrote (click here to view it) and after I read it he asked me what I got from it.  The message I heard over and over again in the blog was on being present & mindful.  God has really been talking with me a lot about this over the past several months. Neil asked me more about that because he said he had not even thought about it from that angle.  God was speaking to him about something different.

People that know me would probably agree that I tend to be busy and have a hard time being still.  My son says I’m always cleaning something!  I also tend to multi-task and in doing so I never give 100% of myself to any one thing.  I pretend that I can listen to someone while doing something else but if I’m honest with myself I would know that I can’t.  I’m not being fully present with them nor am I being fully present with the other task I’m trying to complete.

Our minds are powerful things.

Our mind is very powerful.  Sometimes it is fuller than others.  Sometimes it leads to positive things and other times it leads to a downward spiral of negativity.

Our minds determine our moods.

My mood says a lot about what is going on in my mind.  I have a great example of this that happened recently.  My family went on a beach vacation last week and we had a great time!  It was a much needed time of rest and relaxation.  We disconnected from technology for much of our time there and I made a point to just be and not have any agendas.  My mood was positive during this time. We laughed and played together and we really enjoyed each other.  We walked up and down the beach and saw beautiful sea glass, shells and stones.  We talked about images we saw in the clouds.  We talked about our desires.  We listened to each other.  We enjoyed each moment.

Sunday evening rolls around and well……….my mood changed!  My mind became full and racing with thoughts of what all I needed to get done before going back to work.  Then it became even fuller as I thought about what all I was going to have to do when I arrived at work the next day.  I put on my “get busy mask” and got to work cooking and doing laundry.  I became very easily frustrated, especially when my husband tried to talk to me.  He asked me a general question about something and I snapped back at him.  I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t need him to be in my way!  I needed him to get back to reality and get out of vacation mode.  We didn’t have time for our desires now.  As the saying goes, we were back in the real world now.  I didn’t have time to be present with anyone!

When our mood heads south, we must pause and take time to ask God what is going on inside of us.

After Neil walked away with his head bitten off I paused.  What was going on with me?  I didn’t even look like the same Melissa from last week.  I made myself stop for a few minutes and answer this question.  I expressed my frustration and anger to God.  I told him that I hated being this way.  How could I get everything done and be present at the same time?  He asked me a question that He has asked me several times before.  I felt God asking me why I was doing all these things?  Why did all these things have to be done right now?  He wanted me to get to the real heart issue.

Believing a lie can ruin the things we enjoy doing the most.

I tend to believe the lie that I have to have it all together, or at least look like I do.  We love to eat delicious, whole foods so therefore I have to cook all the time.  I love order therefore I have to keep everything clean all the time.  I love to cook and believe it or not I love to clean (I know I’m weird) so why the frustration?

I was doing things God has given me a desire to do but I was doing them based on a lie I was believing.  The acts were being done because I had to have it all together.  That turned these acts into a chore.  That led to frustration with the acts and with anyone that got in my way of my goal of having it all together.

Trusting Him fills us with truth and love that makes our heart sing instead of yell.

A verse I reflect on a lot and that combats this lie I tend to believe is Psalm 46:10.  Most people know the ESV version, “Be still, and know that I am God.”  The Message translation says it this way: “Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything.” God gave me these desires.  He made me to love performing acts of service.  If I perform them as a gift from God then I can be present in them.  They are not a chore.  They are an act of love from God.  They make my heart sing instead of yell.

-Melissa

 

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