Devotionals – Page 4 – neilmclamb.com

Transforming Our Weaknesses into Strengths

Paul wrote many letters that we can now read in our Bibles, each containing great insight into his life and the lives of those he wrote to. He is a dramatic example of how one can truly be changed by God’s grace through trusting Christ. I recently had a conversation with some friends about Paul and wanted to share some about what came up, as I realized how impactful it can be to take a close look at Paul “before and after” his encounter with Jesus. Some things about Paul changed, but some things did not.

From the first time we read about Paul in the Bible, we begin to see a driven man. He was passionate about what he believed in. He was extremely knowledgeable of Scripture and the Law. Having his own understanding of what he knew about those things, he strived to keep the law and enforce it with others. He felt strongly that he was doing the right thing. Nothing could stop him. He was even complicit in murder in attempts to protect what he believed in, which included the murder and imprisonment of those who trusted in Jesus.

Unbeknownst to him, he was persecuting not only those who trusted Christ, but also Christ the Lord Himself. Jesus made him aware of this while Paul was traveling to Damascus to continue his threats and carrying out of what he perceived to be justice. After being blinded and then regaining his sight, Paul’s heart was changed by God and his perspective changed as well.

This is where it gets rather interesting. Yes, Paul’s treatment of others, particularly Christians, changed. However, his temperament did not change. He was still a very driven man. He was still very passionate in what he believed in. He was still determined to push through anything and anyone to accomplish the goals set forth before him. However, all of this looked a lot different with the new heart he had.

God transformed Paul’s weaknesses into strengths.

Instead of hatred and self-righteousness driving him, love and humility had taken over in his heart. Instead of making others suffer to prove his own point, he was now willing to suffer himself in order to accomplish the goal of spreading the truth about Jesus (the Gospel). Instead of being willing to take the lives of others, he was determined to give others life in Christ.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:21, ESV)

Paul initially treasured the seeking of righteousness through adherence to the rules he interpreted from Scripture. He believed in striving to follow the rules and enforcing them on others. After coming to know the Lord, he then treasured God’s grace due to his newfound realization that he was in desperate need of it. Paul once thought he was good because he worked so hard to be. After his conversion, Paul realized his deep need for dependence on Christ for God to work good in and through him. Paul was once arrogant and feared by others, but he became humble, loving, and loved.

God transforms our weaknesses into strengths.

Many of us see things in ourselves that we do not like, things we might even hate and wish to be changed. However, today I want to encourage us to be open to seeing ourselves from a different perspective. Perhaps those very things that we hate about ourselves are merely us acting out in ways that God doesn’t intend for us. Maybe we are hard-headed, refusing to be open to being wrong, and that causes us trouble. However, with a bit of humility, that same hard-headedness can be steadfastness and determination to seek and stand by truth and trustworthiness, which can keep us OUT of trouble. Perhaps we procrastinate often, but with the right motivation we might discover that we have a knack for avoiding quick, disorganized choices and instead have the ability to engage in well-thought-out decisions that helps us and those around us.

Instead of treasuring God and who He created us to be, we often treasure what we see in others and desire to morph into something else. Let’s make a concerted effort to do something different. Let’s look in the mirror and notice those things we wish were different. Invite God and trusted others to take a look at those same traits and tell us what they see. Perhaps those traits and tendencies don’t need to be removed. Instead, maybe we need a different perspective in order to take advantage of strengths we have been considering to be weaknesses.

-Neil

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Fitting In Verses Belonging

Think back to your first day of high school. The night before you are full of emotions. You are excited but there’s a layer of fear that you just can’t shake. You call your friends up to see what they are wearing for the big day. You wished you had asked that just out of curiosity and part of general conversation but the question had different roots. Would you fit in? All of a sudden, the outfit you had picked out for this big day became lame. Now you are doubting. I am going to look like a dork? Sally is going to look so much better than me. If only my mom had let me buy that more expensive top!

You could hardly sleep. You’ve waited for this time in your life and now it’s finally here. Then the excitement started to be eaten away. Fear and doubt started to take over. The unknown became the reason you couldn’t sleep now! Will people like me? Will they laugh at my clothes? My braces make me look hideous! And of course a large zit has popped out. The end of my nose is now large and shiny, like Rudolph. Everyone will definitely see me coming! That’s not exactly the grand entrance I had planned to make!

We all know the feelings and awkwardness that goes along with trying to fit in, right? You know, doing whatever it takes, wearing whatever it takes and even talking a certain way to make sure we’re “included”. I wish I could say that fitting in was just something we did when we were teenagers but I would be lying to myself. We spend a lot of time doing this throughout our lives. If we didn’t then there wouldn’t be a market for trendy clothing, haircuts, and diets!

More goes on inside of us than simply getting someone to like us when we are trying to fit in. Comparison, hiding and losing sight of who we are can take over.

“But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” 2 Corinthians 10:12b.

Fitting in says we have to be like them. We have to do what they want. We have to keep our needs and desires quiet. Fitting in means I look at myself only through a lens of comparison to others. Where do I stand according to their requirements? Do I have what it takes? Am I pretty enough? Thin enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? The list can go on and on. I compare me to them. Comparison feeds the lie that I am not enough and probably never will be. Comparison says that I must work harder.

Comparison leads to not understanding who we truly are.

Fitting in keeps you from knowing who you are. We are constantly trying to be what someone else wants of us (even if we don’t know what that is or are just assuming we know). As long as we are doing that we will hide who we truly are. We will lose sight of the person God made us to be. We will forget our own beauty and uniqueness. We will think the real me is just dumb and unlikeable.

The more we try to act like another, the less we can be ourselves.

Embracing who we are because of God’s love and grace gives us freedom to belong instead of fitting in. Belonging is different than fitting in. Belonging says, “I love and accept you.” Belonging is such a gift and it doesn’t require us to change. It allows us to be who we are and to be loved for it. Belonging leads to true friendship and relationships. Love and grace bloom there.

I encourage you to think about your relationships. Where are you belonging vs fitting in? Do you see the difference in your posture when you’re around those different relationships? Have you experienced the true freedom of belonging? It can begin with your relationship with Jesus. He is not asking us to fit in with Him. He’s not asking us to change. He loves you no matter what you are wearing, no matter what size you are and no matter how smart you are. Sometimes that’s hard to believe and understand, I know, but it is so true.

I would love to hear your thoughts on belonging vs fitting in. Feel free to leave a comment and we can discuss this further.

-Melissa

Living Small and Curious

What do the words small and curious mean to you? These two words can mean different things. Recently I have read several different things where those words popped up. Small and curious. These two words have stuck with me.

At times we tend to focus on trying to make everything big, planned and figured out. Unfortunately during this we miss a lot. Life’s journey is full of beautiful and intricate details. When we stay large and uninterested we easily miss it. When I try to go straight to the end result, I tend to miss the beauty along the way.

Being small and curious still leads me but it allows me to live and love along the way. Let’s start with the word small. I’m not referring to size, stature, belittled or cowering. Instead, small here is referring to my place. When I’m small, I’m looking up. I’m seeing life around me. I’m seeing others. I’m seeing God. Imagine looking under a quilt or something cross stitched. The finished result on top is a piece of art but underneath shows all the steps and detail that went into it. Being small is living and seeing experiences from underneath.

What about curious? I’m not referring to being nosey. Instead, curious means I’m being open. I am no longer just seeing an end result or a plan. I actually see others and their experiences. I can see how things work together. My eyes are open. My heart is open. I enter into daily life with a sense of curiosity instead of through a rigid agenda or preconceived notion about the person or thing I’m encountering.

Being small and curious brings freedom. It’ s a freedom for me and a freedom for those around me. With a small and curious posture I listen to others and ask questions out of love. I let others talk. I don’t take things personal. This freedom also allows me to be okay with not having the answers. I don’t fix.

I stay small and listen. I stay curious and love. Grace abounds.

Job 12:7-12 The Message (MSG)

“But ask the animals what they think—let them teach you;
let the birds tell you what’s going on.
Put your ear to the earth—learn the basics.
Listen—the fish in the ocean will tell you their stories.
Isn’t it clear that they all know and agree
that God is sovereign, that he holds all things in his hand—
Every living soul, yes,
every breathing creature?
Isn’t this all just common sense,
as common as the sense of taste?
Do you think the elderly have a corner on wisdom,
that you have to grow old before you understand life?”

-Melissa

All Apologies

The other day at work, I was not in a good mood. Often, when my mood is in the dumps, I spew sarcasm. Sometimes, others laugh at my responses to annoyances around me. However, many times these comments can be hurtful. In this particular case, after I had made one of my notorious comments, I pondered how it might have seemed to those around me. A few nights before, my loving and concerned wife let me know how I was affecting her. My frustration with some things in life was leading me to respond with sarcasm and vent sessions. Since Melissa has a desire to see me happy and content, she said it led her to feel like she needed to tip-toe around me. That’s the last thing I wanted! This really bothered me. I apologized to her and we discussed what was going on to lead to my demeanor. Fast-forward to my situation at work. Thankfully, that interaction with Melissa caused me to be more aware of how I was behaving around my coworkers. After realizing that some of my comments might have been hurtful, I went to those who heard my remarks, apologized, and explained that my frustrations were my issue and in no way were indicative of how I felt about them. However, I did not want to continue making them uncomfortable around me. I don’t want my friends to feel like they must walk on eggshells!

How often do we apologize?

It’s an important question to ask ourselves. If we cannot remember the last time we apologized for something, then there’s a problem. We are imperfect people who intentionally and unintentionally hurt each other all the time. If we aren’t apologizing, we are missing something and creating barriers in our relationships with others. We’ve all done things that we need to apologize for in recent history. We shouldn’t have to look too far in the past to find a transgression.

Some of us over-apologize.

If we’ve apologized to 15 different people in the last 15 minutes, then that very well may be a problem, too. We cannot be responsible for everything that goes wrong! Some of us feel tremendous guilt almost constantly. We begin to apologize for things almost out of habit, saying we’re sorry just because someone else is inconvenienced when we had no control over it at all. It’s important to own our mistakes, but it is also important not to take the blame for things that are not ours to own.

Sincere and heartfelt apologies are a door to a wonderful gift from God.

Simply put, there can be too much or too little of this very important behavior. Apologizing isn’t just a behavior, though. When it’s done the way God intended it, then it is a heart-driven act that is born out of acknowledgment that we have done something wrong and that we have hurt someone. Authentic apologies are an attempt to tap into one of God’s wonderful and miraculous gifts of grace: forgiveness.

Forgiveness is essential to receive and to be offered to others.

Forgiveness sets us free from the bondage of guilt. It prevents guilt from morphing into shame, which is much akin to a crippling disease of the soul. Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation and restoring damaged relationships. It can initiate the healing of deep wounds. It’s just too important of a gift to miss out on.

We need to be aware of a false approach to forgiveness through apologies.

There are ways in which we can say we are sorry, but not pursue the forgiveness we need. In 2 Corinthians 10:7, Paul refers to this imposter as “worldly grief (sorrow)”. Here are some clues that we may be engaging in worldly sorrow and not acting out of repentance and seeking true forgiveness:

We are only looking to get ourselves off the hook for something.

Deep inside, we are looking for the other person to respond in a certain way. Maybe we want them to apologize for something, too.

We demand that we be forgiven because “God says you should forgive me”.

We have no desire to spend ample time trying to understand the hurt we have caused.

We minimize the sin we have committed, or deny it is a sin at all. We refuse to own the entirety of what we have done. This delegitimizes the hurt we’ve caused.

There is a wonderful question that we need to be asking those around us: “How am I affecting you?”

So, let’s be careful to examine our hearts for occasions in which we need to seek and offer forgiveness. Let’s make it a habit of asking those around us how we are affecting them. There will be times in which we find that we are not at fault. Many times, we will find that we are. Let’s start the process by talking to God first. Receiving the reality of His forgiveness is absolutely necessary as a foundation to seeking it from others. We must be firmly wrapped up in His love in order to fully own the depths of our wrongdoings. Without experiencing his unconditional love in the midst of our guilt, we will find it impossible to humble ourselves with those we have hurt.

-Neil

All the Right Answers

One of the biggest stressors I encountered when I first started counseling was feeling pressure to have answers for people. Clients would come in with problems, often major ones, and tell me their story. Sometimes I had difficulty even listening to them well because I was constantly trying to think of what I should say.

Feeling the pressure to have answers is common among many of us.

While we all are not counselors, I do think many of us share this struggle. We all encounter others hurting, in need, lost, and broken. I believe many of us that are Christians feel even more pressure to have all the right answers. This is unfortunate because it places undue pressure on us. God does not want us to carry such burdens.

Having answers is not our job and ultimately it is not what we need.

It took several experiences for God to teach me that it’s okay not to have answers, and I still fail to trust Him in that sometimes. The realization that I could not fix anyone or the problems they were encountering was difficult to swallow. Isn’t that what a counselor is supposed to do? Isn’t that what Christians are supposed to do? Well…..NO, it’s not.

We may need to be reminded of this: we are not God. We do not have all the answers. He does, but we do not. He has the power to heal, meet needs, draw people home, and restore relationships. We can certainly be a part of that process when we are invited into it, but we are not in charge of it, and we are not responsible for having all the answers and abilities to fix what ails ourselves and those around us.

Trust gives us access to what we truly need, for ourselves and to offer others.

We tap into this healing, restorative, and calming Grace that God offers us by trusting Him. We can trust Him not just to become involved in our lives and those around us, but trust that He ARLEADY is involved. We can trust Him to show us what He is up to, or better yet show us what it looks like for us to be who He created us to be in those circumstances.

Loving others doesn’t require answers.

Love doesn’t demand that we bear the burden of having to fix anything or anyone. Many times loving others well means less talk and more offering them our time and listening well. Regardless of what it looks like, being lovers is exactly what He invites us to do. He does that because that is who He has made us to be. Live loved…receive the love He has for us, bask in it as often as we can, and allow that love to empower us to share it with others. Let His grace and love be a reminder to take a deep breath before speaking or reacting when presented with life’s problems, whether it be our own or someone else’s.

“God, you’ve got this. We trust You. You love us, you are holding us tightly, and you are not going to let go. May we rest in Your love, and share it with each other…even more so when we are hurting. Father, may we not seek cheap solutions, self-help books, psychological parlor tricks, and temporary answers to life’s biggest hurdles. Instead, may we be blessed with a calmness and patience that only You can bestow in us, so that we may desire to receive what we need from You exactly when we need it.”

-Neil

The Question I Bring Into 2019

It is now 2019! A new year. This can mean different things to different people. Some like to look ahead, set goals and make plans. Some like to reflect on the year that just closed its door. I have chosen the latter. In doing so, a pile of emotions has been poured out and I am not sure what to do with them. It is like a bag of colorful legos strewn on the floor with no guide to tell you how to put them together.

I began by asking myself this question: “What has 2018 represented for me?”

I was thinking that this question could be answered fairly easily and quickly. Boy was I wrong! I sat for a while and the only things that popped into my head was just ordinary, everyday things that I do repetitiously without much thought. At first I became a little sad when all I could think of was that 2018 was full of getting up, getting ready, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, cleaning house, doing laundry, going to bed and repeat. I really sat for a long time and that was all I could think of. Then I became a little angry at myself. I know there was more to 2018 than this. Slowly, things began to pop in my mind. Fun trips, a great concert, two hurricanes, and the passing of a loved one. How did those things not pop into my mind immediately when I began reflecting on 2018?

Galatians 2:20 says “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” What does this mean in relation to actually experiencing everyday life? It tells me that I have been made new. Christ lives in me now and defines who I really am. How can trusting that and living by faith in the Son of God change my perspective?

This was something I had to sit with. I really wanted to avoid it and I kept trying to push it away but the pull to actually experience my everyday life (not just live it) was too strong.

A few days later Neil and I were reading in Trust for Today by the Trueface Team. That particular day’s devotion talked about our new identity in Christ. Immediately my mind went back to my question I had been pondering so I read the entry with that curious lens on. It asked about living in the freedom of our new identity verses relentless discontentment in striving. That part stuck out to me. Well, two particular words stuck out to me: relentless discontentment.

I realized that I was working hard to find something but did not know what that something was and I definitely did not know that I already had it!

I am usually trying hard to be content and happy (and to keep those I love content and happy too). If I am honest though, I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I keep expecting to just “feel it” and then the searching will automatically end. So, I guess I keep expecting faith and trust to just happen and then I’ll believe my new identity and there will be world peace! However, the searching never ends. It just becomes a cycle because I do not even know what I am looking for other than a “feeling”.

2018 consisted of me mostly looking for something I already had. I was missing it and not embracing it.

It finally clicked. My hamster wheel run was never ending because I was relentlessly pursuing contentment (even though I did not have a definition for contentment). There is contentment in my new identity. I am searching for something I already have. I cannot experience it if I’m still searching instead of acknowledging and trusting that I already have it.

Question for 2019

That leads to the next question. What does it look like to trust in what I already have, to embrace and acknowledge the contentment found there and experience life? That is the question I bring into 2019. I have put a journal beside my bed so I can write down experiences of 2019 beyond the daily routine. It is not something I have put on a daily checklist or am making myself do. It is just a way to reflect and remember the contentment found in embracing my true identity.

-Melissa

Grace, Faith, and Our Destiny

As we set out in this new year, many of us ready to engage in new and/or revitalized goals, may we do so with the most important foundation. It is by Grace through Faith that we will discover and live out of who God created us to be (Ephesians 2:8-10). Our destiny is to mature into the person He has already made us to be in Christ.

Below, please enjoy a post from the past that Melissa and I felt was perfect to start off this new year. We pray it aids in solidifying a perspective of grace as you embark on your journey with Him in 2019.

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I had the opportunity to revisit my favorite passage of Scripture with a friend this week. I love it when God helps me to strip away all the extra “stuff” in life that seems to confuse and bog me down, as He holds me at a certain place in order for me to calm down and remember what’s most important. Here is the passage:

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8-10, ESV)

It’s all about grace. God’s amazing grace.

It is by grace…nothing other than grace that we are saved. By His grace, we are set free from the bondage of sin. Sin does so much damage. We commit sin, hurt others, and then experience the horrid guilt and eventual shame that comes with it. Other people in our lives commit sins that hurt us, leading to disappointment, broken relationships, and…again…more shame. It is by His grace that sin and all the issues it causes for us are resolved. Our relationship with Him and others thrives on grace alone. Gifts of grace, such as forgiveness, repentance, and love allow the opportunity for the hurt, guilt, and shame to be washed away.

We get to experience His grace when we trust Him.

His awesome grace is always there. He woos us into it by his expressions of love…the biggest having been Christ coming to earth, living on earth, dying, and then being resurrected. But to experience His grace, we must trust Him. Without trust, we fail to engage the relationship He has created with us through Christ. He doesn’t move or go anywhere, but it feels like we are miles away from Him when we aren’t trusting Him. Humility, true humility, is trusting Him and others around us with who we really are. If we allow our shame to cause us to hold back anything, we begin hiding from Him…just like Adam and Eve did in the garden.

Our hard work and striving does not result in us having changed hearts.

It is tempting for us to get into the pattern of trying to earn our way into a deeper relationship with God. We might think, “I really messed up and that is why I am stuck right now. God is waiting for me to get some things right in my life before He is okay with me.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. It saddens Him when we take control of our lives and attempt to earn our way back to Him. He knows we will wind up frustrated, anxious, and perhaps even feeling hopeless. That’s not how relationship works with Him, or anyone. Genuine relationship is about trust, not striving to follow rules to impress someone. We cannot fix not one sin or even the effects of that sin in our lives. When we trust Him, we essentially say, “God, I know I cannot handle this. I need you and the unconditional love you have for me to cover, heal, and resolve this. I need you to remind me that what sin and shame tells me is a lie. There is not something inherently wrong with me, although I may feel that way. I am in Christ, and He is in me. I am what I am because of you. I am loved, accepted, significant, and secure in your grace and love.” By His grace, NOT our works, we are set free to live out of who He created us to be. Grace through faith changes, restores, and matures us.

Living by grace through faith leads us into what God has destined for us.

As we trust Him and experience His grace in our lives and relationships with others, we begin to follow the path of good works He has planned for us. These good works are our destiny. It’s what God wanted for us all along! We get to discover and do the very things that fit who He created us to be. We do not conjure up these acts ourselves. He surprises us along the way, one step of faith at a time, with gifts/opportunities to act out of who we are in Christ. These gifts may include an opportunity to listen, help, serve, give, teach, encourage, or offer other acts of love. We can actually enjoy those things, instead of just striving to make a way for ourselves, doing day-to-day things that never satisfy us. By His grace, while we continually mature in loving and trusting others with ourselves, we get to embrace and experience more and more the acts of love God offers to us through others.

-Neil

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Everyday Repentance and Forgiveness in Relationships

We (Neil and Melissa) will be doing a joint post today. The first part will be written from Neil’s perspective, and the second part will be from Melissa’s. We will conclude with some joint thoughts.

From Neil’s perspective:

Mornings have become a hectic time for me. With age, I’ve had to add a couple of different tasks to my “get ready for work” routine, including CPAP machine cleanup, stretches for tendonitis in my shoulder, and vestibular therapy for some nagging issues I have with dizziness. Having so much to cram into such a small time frame is not fun. I love lifting weights, and I feel like I have to rush through it…the one thing in the morning I actually enjoy!!

Well, that being said, this morning was crazy, as it often is. I had several things happen that set me back, and I was beginning to realize I would be late for work no matter how fast I moved. One thing that needed to be done: packing my lunch. In passing with my wife as she was getting ready, I made the comment, “I really don’t have time to get my lunch together”. And believe me when I say this, I really laid on the pity party pretty thick. I walked away knowing exactly what I had done. Did you see what I did there?

I wanted Melissa to help me by packing my lunch. Instead of being direct and simply asking if she would, I played a little manipulative game with her. I made comments that could possibly have induced guilt and pity, with the hopes that she would pack my lunch for me.

This may sound ridiculous. This may sound mean. Well, it was both. I had chosen to be sneaky and manipulative rather than open and honest. I had chosen to wear a mask instead of engaging her with humility. Before she had time to respond to my trickery, I went to her and apologized. I told her exactly what I had done and what I was hoping to get out of her. I believe I could tell by the look on her face that she already knew. She looked at me and told me she understood that I was having a difficult morning. Thankfully, she chose to forgive me. Once again, as she has so many times, my wife offered grace to me. When I did not deserve it, she forgave me and even packed my lunch while I wasn’t looking.

For some of us, it is so much easier to hide behind indirect behavior than it is to be open and direct…even with those we are closest to. Many times, we do it without realizing what we are doing or the impact that it has. Well, let me be very clear here. It is hurtful, very hurtful, to manipulative others with indirect behaviors such as pity parties (like what I did in the example above), blame, shaming statements, bullying, or any behavior that isn’t born of humility. Checking our motives is CRUCIAL if we are to walk in grace and love, which is the only way that truly produces intimacy and maturity in our relationships.

From Melissa’s perspective…

Most mornings, like Neil, I have several things that I like to get done before going to work. I prefer to work out in the mornings, eat breakfast, wash dishes or start a load of laundry and then try not break my neck from rushing around to get dressed and ready. I have a tendency to forget about time when I plan my to-do list! This morning, though, was a relaxing and easygoing morning. I was not going to work out. I had laid in bed a little longer than usual and was enjoying moving slowly through my morning. I was not rushing. I was calm.

Before drying my hair I looked at the time. I breathed even slower when I realized that I had plenty of time left. I could finish drying my hair and then cook a hot breakfast and actually savor each bite. I hear Neil come in. Immediately I can tell that he is not feeling this same calmness. His morning looked different than mine. He was huffing and puffing and naming off all he had already done and all that he had left to do before going to work. I started to feel ashamed of myself. I couldn’t continue enjoying my calm morning and sit down and slowly eat my breakfast while he was running around. I had to jump in and help.

Different emotions began to take over. There was some anger toward him for ruining the calm zen I had going on. There was shame at the fact that I was moving slowly and enjoying calmness while Neil had so much to do. The least I could do was use my time to help. After all, that is what he wanted me to do right? He was not directly saying it but I felt it. My breathing became shallower. My movements became rushed. Now I was in a hurry to get my stuff done so I could also help get his stuff done. It became my responsibility to fix his problems. Like my post said last week, I am a fixer.

In the end, I prepared his lunch so he could mark that off his list. That was really the only thing I could do to help him. I spent time trying to decide if I could do anything else. I ate a very quick breakfast and then I rushed out the door. Did I even remember to pack my own lunch in that frenzy?!?!

The truth was he was feeling overwhelmed that morning. His plea for help became a guilt-ridden expectation and stayed that way until he decided to talk with me about it. He owned what he was doing. Even though I knew what he was doing, I still responded out of guilt and shame. Time seemed to stand still long enough for us to talk through this. The craziness of the morning looked quite comical then.

Neil apologized and it was not an obligatory apology. I know this for several reasons, one being he confessed it to me before I even had a chance to respond to his behavior. He, in detail, was able to tell me what he did and why he did it. He had searched his own heart. It was a sincere apology that was only possible because of humility. He took the courage to tell me that he was manipulating me even though he did not know if I would forgive him or throw his lunch plate at him. These crazy, little moments are times of growth.

A conclusion from both of us…

Neil could have held onto his little secret, and the situation would have remained unresolved. Melissa could have held a grudge, and the situation would have remained unresolved. Trust us, we do both. On the morning we’ve shared with you, we chose a different, better path together.

Asking ourselves why we do the things we do helps us to see what is in our hearts. Sometimes it reveals things that we need to ask forgiveness for. Sometimes it reveals the need to offer forgiveness. Giving and receiving forgiveness is a gift of grace that causes wounds to heal and love to deepen and flourish.

-Neil and Melissa

What Truly is at the Heart of Fixing

My name is Melissa and I am a fixer…..

My son, Michael, can attest to that. He has definitely been affected by my fixing behavior. Michael is full of life and energy. There have been several times, in his younger years especially, when I tried to fix him. I tried to get him to be what others (and myself) wanted him to be. “Just sit still and be quiet. Keep your hands to yourself. Just do what you are told and don’t ask questions”. Unfortunately, those words have come out of my mouth a lot with absolutely no conversation around them. It was strictly rules and strictly a way of me telling him to just be “good”. There was never any conversation around who he was as a person, why he did things the way he did, and how to be the real him in this world. As long as my focus was on fixing him, I missed out on enjoying him and his wonderful, fun-loving spirit.

What do you think started happening next? He started hiding. I was not a safe place to come so he just didn’t tell me when he got in trouble at school or when he was having problems with a friend. He knew my answer would just be a behavior modification and all about how he needed to be different. He had experienced the fact that there was no real love in that kind of answer. My answer instead spoke the opposite of love. It said, “You are embarrassing me. Act better so I at least look like a better mom.” I wouldn’t trust me either!

Do you ever try to help someone? You see their “problem” and feel like they just aren’t understanding how to control or fix it. A lot of times we just jump in to “save them”! No matter how many times I tell myself that I am doing this because I love the person I am trying to fix, it is not true.

So, what is fixing really about? For me, fixing has several synonyms. It means control and stuffing away of reality. Fixing means I will be less embarrassed and frustrated. All will be well in the world….Not! Sometimes we don’t want to acknowledge that we fix. At times I think we even fall for the false believe that what we are doing is something that should be held in high esteem. I know I can easily fool myself into believing that I am really just being such a good helper and that I have to be right.

The truth is though that fixing is not helping. It’s damaging. It puts a wall up in our relationships therefore the relationships can’t mature and grow.

When we remove fixing from our relationships, we are free to actually get to know, understand and love the other person. As long as fixing another person is my goal then I cannot experience the love they have for me and I cannot truly love them. Offering an environment of trust where a person can come to me with no expectation of being fixed is freeing for both people. We get to know each other and appreciate our unique traits. Relationships thrive and grow there. Love grows there.

-Melissa

What Do You See?

In the picture attached to this post, there are actually three very different things one might notice when looking at it. What do you see?

In life, we encounter situations in which we believe very strongly that we know all we need to know about what’s going on. We are surprised when others have a different opinion. Often, we find out later that we misread the circumstances. Maybe we were partially right, but there was much more than what we thought we saw. We can do the same with people, letting our initial impressions define who we think a person is. Later, we may find out that we were very wrong about our assessment.

Another area we can do this is reading the Bible. There is so much available to us in Scripture, and we have a tendency to think we have things figured out. Many of us have a strong tendency to trust our perspective, but it can be awfully flawed.

Our perspective has been pieced together over time, like an unfinished puzzle. It is unique and important, but it isn’t perfect. It’s always missing pieces.

Our perspective is formed by a lifetime of interactions with others and our environment. Love, hurt, rejection, loss, betrayal, traumatic events, success, failure…it all plays a role in forming the lens with which we view the world around us.

Since our perspective may sometimes impair our ability to judge accurately, what are we to do to help us see what’s really in front of us?

We must be willing to admit to ourselves and others that we don’t have it all figured out.

Input from others helps us see the full picture. This not only includes situations we find ourselves in and people we meet, but even what we see when we evaluate ourselves! Our self-reflection and self-analysis isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We need honest assessments from those around us who know us and love us.

When looking at the picture attached to this post, some see a little girl, some see scenery, and others see a skull. I may have only seen the little girl without having input from others who see the scenery and the skull. No big deal there. It’s just a picture. But when I dismiss people from my lives because my assessment of them tells me they are not worth my time, I very well may be missing out on some pretty fantastic encounters and friendships. If I read over a familiar passage of Scripture quickly without my heart open to what God may be saying to me, I may miss a new experience with God and truth that I desperately need to rest in.

Finding God’s truth is not something we do on our own. We do it together.

Trusting ourselves with each other does not mean absence of disagreement. In fact, disagreement is necessary and healthy along the way. But we need God’s grace to make our way through multiple incomplete perspectives trying to come together in love to discover the truth. The gospel of grace is of upmost importance for us to rely on. God gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5; James 4:6), so to experience grace we must humble ourselves with each other. Humility, or willingness to be vulnerable with each other, is the key to working through conflict and disagreement to embrace truth. Humility lets us admit we need others to speak into our lives. It’s what helps us see not just the little girl in the picture, but also the scenery (which may represent details about what is going on) and the skull (which may represent potential pitfalls or danger) as well.

Ultimately, truth is not just knowledge or things to know. Christ referred to Himself as “the truth”. Knowing the truth is knowing Christ. As believers we are referred to as “the body of Christ”. As “the body of Christ”, we have access to the truth. It’s in us because Christ is in us. However, we must work together, like hands and feet, to realize and embrace the truth. If we try to go it alone, we will forfeit precious moments of closeness (intimacy) with God and each other.

-Neil