Category: Devotionals

There’s somewhat of a joke in my family that “McLamb’s just don’t have any patience”. I cannot speak for the rest of us, but I have found it to be true often for this McLamb. I’m sure those who know me can attest to witnessing an episode of impatience on my part. Driving down the road, I sometimes find myself agitated by the person that pulls out in front of me and then seems to have all the time in the world to make their way into town…while I am looking every opportunity to hopefully make a run for it and pass them. When helping to train a coworker, I may be tempted to just take over and do the task myself. Even when my phone is dragging while loading an app, I sometimes find myself wanting to throw it.

Impatience can mean we have control issues.  

I cannot go as far as to say this is true for everyone, but for me, it absolutely is. My lack of patience is a control issue. In the mornings, on the way to work, I have mentally begun planning my day. Part of that plan includes being at work at a certain time. Getting behind someone who is driving slow thwarts my goal. As ridiculous as it may sound (and honestly, it does sound ridiculous as I type this out), in a sense I have lost control over my day.

Impatience with small things means control issues with bigger, more important things.

Like I stated above, the particular example of getting behind someone driving slow is really no big deal in and of itself. There’s much more important things to concern ourselves with than something like that. Right? Well, not exactly. The truth is, if we find ourselves struggling with small things (in this case, seemingly unimportant indications of control issues), then there is no doubt we are and will continue to struggle with the same heart issue with other things…much larger and important things. And I’m not just talking about losing our cool with tasks or jobs we need to complete. This kind of heart issue can do damage to us relationally and emotionally as well.

God swoops in at the right time, taps us on the shoulder, and says, “Listen, isn’t it time we took a look at this?”

Recently, I was on my way back to work after lunch. I cut through a parking lot, thinking it would save me some time. Guess what. My maneuver to control the situation didn’t work. I got behind a couple of people that were really enjoying the scenery instead of hurrying up and turning at the traffic light. It turned red before it was my turn. I felt the swift flush of frustration, but then something else. I asked myself, “Why in the world does this matter so much to me?” I’m not saying God audibly answered me, but it was as if He said back to me, “Because there’s something poisonous inside of you that is causing you to overreact to things like this son. I’m ready to work on this with you, if you are.”

Fear is always at the root of a control issue.

Fear is a pain in the rear. Anytime there is a control issue that we are struggling with, fear is the culprit. We use techniques to try to control things so that our greatest fears are not realized. We may hide in the back and avoid eye contact at a meeting so that we do not have to speak in front of people out of a fear of looking stupid. We may try hard to impress others because of our fear of being rejected. Or…we may try to force our day (and everything and everyone in it) to adapt to our schedule and what we want it to be so that there are no surprises. Many of us often turn to routines and strict regimens as a sense of false security when dealing with fears such as “fear of the unknown”.

Small steps of faith lead to big steps of faith.

I felt God strongly leading me trust Him sitting at the stoplight. Trusting Him with something that seemed so small and insignificant kind of made me chuckle. However, I have seen enough of this stuff now in my relationship with Him to know that nothing is insignificant when it comes to trusting Him. No matter how small a step of faith may be, it’s HUGE in the grand scheme of things. Walking by faith doesn’t always mean traveling to third world countries to feed the hungry and share the gospel (although it definitely can). Trusting our Father does not necessarily have to translate to things like giving large sums of hard-earned money to someone in need, sharing your testimony in front of a large crowd, or getting your kids to church every time the doors are open. Actually, it can be much more about the little day-to-day interactions and decisions we make. In my case recently, it was about staying behind people I had considered slowpokes instead of zooming by them. It was about ceasing all the extra brain power I was putting into finding ways to make my day more “efficient”.

And then, I suspect, as I trust Him more than my own efforts to force my days to be as I want them to be, I will experience more of Him in my surroundings, what I do, and the people I encounter. I will also experience freedom from the stress of trying to be in control of everything, which is the kind of stress that leads to frustration, anger, anxiety, and potentially even depression. What a gift God gives when He invites us to trust Him! He wants nothing more than for us to rest in His love, even if it starts while choosing to stay behind someone going 35 mph in a 55mph zone.

 

***Please check back soon for a follow-up post on this topic by a special guest blogger.***

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In my last post on “no-see-ums” (click here to read it), I shared how hidden issues in our lives lead to problems in our relationships with each other. Today, I want to explore the disruptive emotions and physical ailments that can pop up in our lives due to the same unresolved matters.

The masked core issues that cause us so many problems always relate back to shame in some way, shape, or form. Shame is a sneaky adversary. It’s practically invisible, for the most part. If not for the symptoms that show up due to the damage it does in us, we would never have a chance to see it. Shame manifests in us when we do something wrong and/or when something wrong is done to us. In other words, the hurt and guilt in our lives transforms into shame.

“No-see-ums” showed up in the story of King Saul.

Before a man named Saul became king of the Israelites, he was tracked down by the prophet at the time named Samuel. God had guided Samuel to locate the man who would be king, and then conveyed the message to Saul. When Saul realized what was happening, he was shocked. Saul told Samuel, “But I’m only a Benjaminite, from the smallest of Israel’s tribes, and from the most insignificant clan in the tribe at that. Why are you talking to me like this?” (1 Samuel 9:21, The Message). Saul would not accept the fact that God had chosen him to be king because of his own view of himself. The shame he carried related a lot to his family and their perceived ranking amongst the rest of the nation.

Due to his shame, Saul suffered emotionally in two ways that are well documented in the book of 1 Samuel. One emotion that showed up was debilitating anxiety. When Samuel planned to announce to the people that Saul was God’s chosen king to reign over them, Saul hid himself from the crowd. Several men had to find him and pull him up on stage. Later in life, 1 Samuel tells how Saul suffered from anxiety to the point that only soothing music from a harp could calm him down…although it was only a temporary fix (1 Samuel 16:23).

Another troubling emotion that showed up in Saul’s life was anger. This was no small amount of frustration. No…Saul was so angry at times that he was homicidal. He wanted to hunt down David and kill him when Saul perceived that the people liked David more than him.

Both of these emotions can be tied back to King Saul’s shame. He viewed himself as having very little value, if any. This self-view was in direct opposition to how God viewed him, because God chose him to be king. However, Saul never seemed to show signs of trusting God when it came to this foundational issue in his life. Instead, he sought ways to hide his shame. One way he did this was through seeking the approval of others. The uncertainty of that led to much anxiety. It also led to anger when others seemed to like someone else more than him.

No-see-ums torment our minds, emotions, and even our bodies.

King Saul was literally tormented by his mind and emotions. Unfortunately for him (and others around him that suffered from his detrimental behaviors), there is no evidence in his story that he ever addressed the underlying issue of shame in his life. Instead, he persistently tried to control his situations and others with the hopes that his perceived identity would be hidden from others…and himself. Emotional turmoil like what Saul encountered will eventually lead to physical issues as well. Stomach aches, insomnia, headaches, and dizziness are just a few of the problems that may arise in our bodies over time. The truth is, shame disrupts our lives in a multitude of ways: relationally, emotionally, and physically. None of us can overcome the shame with which we suffer through our own efforts. We need certain gifts from God to do it.

We must recognize emotions as signs that something is going on inside of us.

It is very tempting to handle our emotions the way King Saul did. It seems easier to try to hide them, or simply react to them, without asking what in the world is going on inside of us that is leading to them. Embracing the fact that emotions are like warning lights on the dashboard of our cars will get us moving down the right path. The follow-up to that step is owning the fact that we may have unresolved shame issues that must be dealt with.

Using insecticides to kill no-see-ums.

Getting to the root of the problem requires trust. We must take a step of faith in order to really make headway towards our issues with shame being resolved. King Saul chose to rely on his own efforts in dealing with his problems. There is no evidence in the Bible that King Saul humbled himself, looked to God’s forgiveness to handle his guilt, or embraced God’s love and acceptance to squash his low self-esteem and craving for the acceptance of others to somehow make him feel better. The willingness to humble ourselves, to be authentic, to share our hurts, to confess our wrongs without blame or excuse…those are some hefty doses of insecticides when it comes to attacking no-see-ums (shame).

Receiving grace as a means to obliterate shame and it’s terrible effects.

Several weeks ago, my stomach was in knots. I was having difficulty sleeping through the night. Little things were igniting frustration and, in some cases, angry outbursts. Looking deeper, I noticed I had fallen back on my old view of myself: the shame from my past that tends to sneak its way back in when I have my guard down. I was pushing myself, too hard, in efforts to overcome the shame and its ill-effects…so much that it was all breaking me down relationally, emotionally, and physically. I needed to humble myself, I needed to revert back to being genuine and honest with myself (and others), and I needed to own any damage I had done in the process. But before all of that, I needed the one thing that gives us the power to do those things. I needed to open myself up to my Father’s love and grace. When I perceive the truth that, in Christ, I am loved, accepted, forgiven, and secure without a need to impress God or anyone, then and only then can I have the courage to risk stepping out of the dark mess I’ve made and into the light. It’s a breath of fresh air that begins to cleanse how I relate to others, how I think, and how I feel.

 

 

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Two weekends ago, my wife and I met some awesome new friends. We drove down to Saint Simons Island, Georgia to attend a conference entitled “The Cure Experience”. We discussed it on our way, and neither of us really knew what to expect. It’s hard to explain, but for quite a while she and I have been sensing a deep-rooted desire for something more in life. We had known about these guys (John Lynch, Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and David Pinkerton) from the ministry “Trueface” for years. In short, we have been drawn to their focus on the Gospel of Grace and the freedom we can experience to be real with God and others. We’d read their books and enjoyed listening to their podcasts. But could these guys REALLY be as authentic as they seemed? We were going to find out.

The first night there, we headed to a “meet and greet” with the hosts, the guys from Trueface, and many of the ones who were there for the conference. Being the introverts that we are, it was rather uncomfortable at first. We just needed to warm up, so we began talking with different ones in the crowd. Eventually, we wound up chatting with a couple of the Trueface guys. David introduced me to one of the hosts, Stephen, who is a counselor like myself, and we began our own side conversation as my wife continued talking with David. Later, Melissa made the comment that she was amazed at the questions David asked her. She realized a few minutes into the conversation that he actually wanted to get to know her. He wanted to know the what’s and the why’s to many things about her. There was a sincerity as he shared freely about himself as well.

That was just the beginning. As we sat through the conference throughout the following day, these guys shared what it is like to live in relationships with each other that are authentic. While there are many things I would love to share here, one thing in particular has been something that has reverberated every day since that weekend. An overpowering theme kept revealing itself to me over the course of each of our sessions. Bill made a comment that summarizes it well…”The degree to which I trust you is the degree to which you can love me, no matter how much love you have for me.”

From what I can tell so far, I took this truth to heart more than I ever have in my life. There is so much about myself that I try to hide from others. Even those closest to me sometimes do not get to know parts of me. The tragedy is that the degree to which I hide is the degree to which I block love that others might want to give me. Others can only love me as much as I trust them to get to know the real me…good and bad.

And then…something happened that I will never forget. Upon arriving home, I succumbed to my Father’s urging. He had been nudging me all weekend, lovingly. See, there was something about me that I had never shared, not even with my wife. It was something I buried deep, in hopes that I would never have to address it with another human being. However, realizing full well that I was refusing to trust God by staying in hiding, I subsequently decided to take a leap and fully trust myself with my wife. I shared my deep, dark secret with her. I was terrified before, and definitely after as I was staring at the floor awaiting her response.

To my surprise, I was met with a kiss and a hug. There was even a smile on her face at one point. Are you kidding me? I was expecting a much more negative response…perhaps even disgust. A short while later, she revealed that she felt more love between us than she ever had. Unbelievable. God turned something I felt shame about into a trigger for me to receive even more love from Him and my wife. This happened once I was willing to trust myself with someone. I essentially let her give me the love she already had for me. What a wonderful reflection of God’s own love for us. It’s there…always. We experience it more and more as we trust Him with ourselves, regardless of how messy things get. Grace truly is amazing.

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I highly recommend picking up a copy of the new revised version of the Trueface guys’ book, The Cure.

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Years ago, I discovered a love for lifting heavy weights. I think I have been doing it regularly now for over fifteen years. For me, it’s a really cool way to start the day, and I always love it when I can set a new personal record on one of the lifts. Although it feels great and can be a healthy hobby, it can really cause major wear and tear on your body. My knees are a weak spot, so they feel it the most. My shoulders are also letting me know I am not as young as I used to be. We cannot rely solely on exercise to be strong and healthy. Rigorous exercise must be supplemented with adequate rest and a healthy diet. When you are trying to build strength and muscle, something like protein powder might help as well. Sometimes a little Advil doesn’t hurt either!

Grace isn’t earned, but we still want to do something for it.

In our relationship with God, we must rely solely upon His grace (Ephesians 2:8-10). We can neither do anything to earn His love and acceptance nor do anything to drive Him away. In Christ, we are completely secure in a relationship with a Father that never let’s us go. He always pursues us, even when we might think we can do life better our way. Patiently, He waits for us to exhaust all efforts to control our lives and let down our guard. At those moments, we let His love wash over us again. His grace, not our efforts, are what we need to experience the freedom for which we hunger.

In our zeal for wanting to do something (this is a human tendency we all have), we seem to create many supplements to this amazing grace that needs no add-on’s. As Christians, we often fear that if we do not work really hard to please him, He will be disappointed and eventually tire of dealing with us. Either that, or we cannot be as close to Him as possible. Although Hebrews 11:6 states very clearly that our trust in Him is the ONLY thing that pleases Him, we develop supplements to our faith: efforts to make us feel like we are working hard for Him. Some of us work so hard on these things, we add so much to our schedules that we wind up exhausted and still feeling like we’ve not done enough. Other of us tire of this method of trying to “be a good Christian” and just give up, accepting that He is just not going to be as happy with us as He might be with Deacon John Doe. It’s painful, but we just cannot stand all the hard work for nothing approach anymore.

Grace needs no supplements, but we often come up with some anyway.

The truth is, we do not need a supplement to grace. Not one. Trusting in that grace is enough. It’s more than enough. Trusting in His grace helps us to experience the truth about who He is and who we are. He is a good Father who loves us like crazy. We are loved, which is a wonderful identity to have bestowed upon us by our Creator. When we are living loved by this wonderful Father, being loved is a reality for us, and amazing things begin to happen. For those of us who struggle with legalism…where all our efforts to sin less failed us, being wrapped up in His arms actually causes us to sin less. Grace does not minimize sin. Instead, it recognizes it as being SO BAD that we can do nothing about it. We need Him! His power is what we need more than another self-help book, an accountability partner who will guilt us to read the Bible more, or another Sunday School teaching position at church that temporarily makes us feel more holy and acceptable to Him.

Experiencing grace is a personal thing for each of us.

Of course, knowing the truthful words in that last paragraph and experiencing them are different. But how do we experience that grace? How do we engage this love He shares so freely with us? This will look different from person to person and from situation to situation. One woman sees it for the first time when she looks into the eyes of her new born child, realizing the love she feels for her offspring is a reflection of the love her Father has for her. A man might become aware of it when he breaks down and tells a close friend about a terrible, hidden thing he did years ago. He is fully expecting to be told he is a jerk and the friendship is over, but then is met with a bear hug, tears, and forgiveness.

To have those kinds of experiences, we sometimes need only to be willing to see them…because they are undeniably right in front of us when we’ve done nothing to bring them on. Many times, though, we must suffer. We must struggle and take a risk. The risk is a step of faith to trust another human being with ourselves. Our real selves. Sometimes we will, no doubt, be met with heartache. However, there will be those times that His grace comes shining through. And those times overpower the rest, drawing us deeper into the reality of us being loved well by a Father who is pleased with us…even when we fail.

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About 12 years ago, I nervously walked through the glass door of an office in Rocky Mount, NC. Not even the soothing tone of the nice lady’s voice behind the counter could make me feel comfortable. The anxiety was coursing through my body like an out of control forest fire. The appointment was absolutely necessary, or I would have cancelled or simply not shown up. I did not want to do what I needed to do. I was not eager to walk into the office of Dr. Ramsey and open myself up to whatever would happen next.

We want to hide.

Before that first appointment with a man that would eventually become one of my dearest and most trusted friends, I was a wreck. I really did not even have a clue as to how messed up I truly was. What I did know was I could not take it anymore. I had exhausted medical treatments, herbal remedies, self-help books, and other possibly fixes as a way to make myself feel better. Whatever was wrong with me, the root cause was not being addressed by those methods. I would have found some relief in one of them if it was.

One critical piece of the puzzle would come out quickly in my counseling sessions: I was hiding. In fact, I had been hiding a very long time. Because I was hiding, nothing of significance was ever truly being addressed. Rarely would people catch a glimpse of the real Neil. I would hide him behind fake smiles and laughs, the use of big words to make myself sound “smarter”, outright lies to cover up mistakes I was ashamed of, and a deceivingly flippant, carefree attitude that made it seem like my life’s soundtrack must be on repeat of the song “Don’t worry, be happy”. I wanted to hide the things I did not want others to see. The truth was, I was scared, miserable, depressed, and feeling very much alone. Since there were few moments in which I let people see the real Neil, most social interaction was between others and a false version of myself. I could not receive or embrace any of it because I wasn’t being myself.

We really need to be known.

For me, the beginning of authenticity (being real) was with a counselor. For some, that may sound cold and impersonal. In my experience, the opposite was true. God dropped me into the office of someone I discovered to be exceptionally trustworthy. He accepted me from the beginning and legitimately wanted to get to know me. He was not phased by the “bad stuff” I began to tell him. The more I realized this, the more I opened up. Mask after mask fell on the floor. Dr. Ramsey was seeing the real me. I was seeing the real me, as well. And most importantly, I realized God was, too, and was also unconditionally accepting of me. It is often surprising just how desperate we are to be known because we often do not realize we have been hiding all along.

This relationship with Dr. Ramsey was profoundly healing, in and of itself. As I opened up and shared with him, dark corners of my life were having a light shown into them. Some corners hurt more than others. Some took more time than others to look around and see exactly what was going on. However, one by one, the wounds were being healed in a relationship where the goal was to trust and be real. There was no rush to get to the finish line. Each moment was treated with priority, care, and concern. The best relationships work that way. They are more about keeping nothing hidden than trying to fix things. They are more about living in the moment rather than trying to rush through to the “next big thing”. At their core, these wonderfully satisfying relationships are more about trusting God to work in and through them rather than us trying to control them.

Coming out of hiding is scary! Is it worth the risk?

While my life’s path carried me through a counselor in order for God to show me the need for authenticity, many of us will discover this all-important truth in other ways. Potential friends that we can trust are out there. I have spoken with many hurting people that were having trouble locating trustworthy friends. The desire and desperation to find them can be a major struggle. Then there’s the times that people let us down, potentially leaving us to want to pull away and hide even more. So is it really worth the effort and risk?

Although I would be lying if I said I am always open to finding new people to trust myself with, I do believe it is worth the risk. When I lose sight of the necessity of authentic relationships, it seems God finds a new way to remind me of the life-giving connections He wants to make with the people I cross paths with. Just recently, a couple of meetings with a small group of people refreshed this truth for me as I shared some things about myself. They shared some things as well, and suddenly it turned into much more than we could have planned. A room for a lecture turned into a room of God’s love and grace.

Scripture tells us that Jesus is building a Church, which is also referenced in others ways, including His people, His bride, Christians, and God’s children. As we embrace His grace, and trust Him, we can trust ourselves with others, allowing Him to cross our paths with each other along the way at exactly the right times. There always will be the potential for rejection and hurt. However, there’s also the blessing of finding freedom and healing when we meet others who reciprocate.

 

My friend, Dr. Michael Ramsey, has an awesome blog. Check it out HERE.

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5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. (1 John 1:5-10)

“Walking in the light” might not mean what we think. 

There’s a lot wrapped up in these six verses. It’s easy for many of us to simply derive from the passage that “walking in the light” might be referring to doing good works, while “walking in darkness” might simply be referring to living in sin. Perhaps that’s part of the message. Regardless, there is something else here that I believe is important for us to take in.

What if our relationships are less about doing something to fix each other, and more about nothing being hidden?

I’m borrowing those words from something I read recently (The Cure). In relationships, there is often a strong desire to fix or be fixed. We do not like to struggle. Fixing each other’s problems seems like the answer, so we place our hope in that mission. Disillusioned with unsuccessful bouts of attempts at a fix, others of us run from that way of thinking. For instance, I recently heard someone say out of frustration, “What good does it do to talk about my problems?! All the talking in the world will not fix them!” I know this person was feeling overwhelmed and angry about his circumstances, and because of that he was missing the highlight of 1 John 5-10, just like many of us who are seeking a fix.

In 1 John 1:7, it is stated that “we have fellowship with one another” when we “walk in the light”. It goes on to say that, through true fellowship, Jesus cleanses us from all sin. How is this possible? Perhaps “walking in the light” is actually referring to the true key to healthy, healing relationships. And, perhaps, those types of relationships are actually the key to getting to the root of our problems. First, we need to “walk in the light”. Second, we need true fellowship. Lastly, somehow…Jesus handles our inner-most problems.

Authenticity, fellowship, and healing are inseparable.

So, what might “walk in the light” mean for us? When we are struggling, we feel no small amount of shame. Often, it is enough to cause us to want to hide it as best we can, leaving so much of ourselves “in the darkness”. In contrast to that approach, I think “walking in the light” has a lot to do with making sure nothing is hidden. We might call it “confession”, being authentic, or getting real. This approach to relationships is not easy and requires faith. We let the light (being known) into the darkness (where we like to stay hidden), which can be uncomfortable. Of course, part of our trusting God with this process includes the faith that He is building a community around us (His Church) for love and support. Many times that means certain people are removed from our lives, while others are being added (or so that others can be added).

Instead of remaining hidden and seeking a quick fix, perhaps what we truly need is the confidence to take off any masks we are hiding behind which invites God’s grace and healing into the midst of our deepest struggles. He can do it through a book or a sermon, but He really loves doing it through people. He enjoys creating, developing, and working in and through relationships, both with Him and others.

True fellowship is derived from “walking in the light”. When we are being authentic, with a devotion to coming out of hiding so that others can see our true selves, relationships are formed that are built on trust. We are blessed to truly get to know each other, with celebrations as well as the sharing of our heartaches and loss. Simultaneously, our relationship with God does the same. All of a sudden, we are seeing things that we had hidden not just from others, but even from ourselves! Seeing things more clearly, we are then able to fully surrender core problems over to Him, rather than settling for a temporary fix for a surface issue. Instead of finding a 10 step solution, we walk unashamedly hand in hand with God and trusted friends as we are led through the tough times and enjoy the good times. Realizing the reality of unconditional love and acceptance, along with never being alone, we are able to develop hope and confidence in the midst of the most extreme, dire circumstances.

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In front of the growing crowd, a woman stands, trembling. She makes no eye contact with the scowling faces in front of her. She is on display, as individuals in the crowd take turns criticizing her. She knows they are right about what they are saying. She had been doing a bad thing…a very bad thing. She had been secretly engaging in her wrongdoing for a while without others knowing. Only this time, she had been caught. Now others knew her secret, and they were making a scene out of it.

Unable to force herself to look up, too ashamed and afraid to make eye contact with anyone, she just stares at the ground. All of a sudden, one of the men grabs her arm and begins dragging her away, and the crowd follows.

This is it, she says to herself. They will surely kill me now for what I have done.

Instead, the group heads to the temple. Upon arriving there, the woman realizes there is some kind of event being held. There is a speaker, and a crowd has gathered to listen to him.

Great,” she thinks, still looking downward, more people to watch me at the epitome of my worst day. Oh well, I do deserve the ridicule, and whatever else they decide to do with me.

One of the men, the one firmly grasping her arm, finally pulls her up front to where the speaker is. “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now (the Law) commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?”

Oh no, it’s true. They do plan to end my life today! The woman is terrified and begins shaking uncontrollably. She can barely continue standing as her life flashes before her eyes. Her feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness overtake her.

The speaker bends down and starts writing something on the ground with his finger. Not amused, men in the crowd begin badgering him to give some sort of response to their inquiry. Does he back the Law or not? Should this woman die today for what she has done?

Finally, the man at the front stands up from his crouched position. He stares directly at the crowd, who simply cannot wait to take vengeance on the woman they have already condemned in their minds.

The teacher says, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” After saying this, he crouches again to write on the ground.

The woman prepares herself for a sudden barrage of stones. She braces herself, still shaking violently. A few moments pass, but no stone hits her. She realizes she has closed her eyes tightly, so she slowly opens them to see the crowd. Each person seems to be pondering what the teacher has said. One by one, they lower their heads, dropping the stones they were ready to throw only a few moments earlier.

The woman’s thoughts are racing. What is going on here? I don’t want to die, but I know I deserve to! They cannot just walk away from this, can they?

She suddenly realizes the teacher has not left. She cautiously turns her head to glance at the teacher crouching near her, still drawing on the ground. Her heart sinks even further. So, he will be the one to carry out the punishment.

Before she can brace herself for the certain attack, he slowly stands to face her. It’s as if he knows she is scared, so he is carefully avoiding any sudden movements that might startle her further. Although she expects him to have a scolding voice, she is taken aback as he places his hand on her shoulder and gently says to her, “…where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

She can only get out a whisper of an answer in response to him, “No one, Lord.” The man then says to her, with a tone more tender and loving than she has ever heard, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” 

Many of us have a flawed perspective when reading Scripture.

The above story (John 8:1-11, ESV) has been retold from a different perspective than the one I used to have when reading or hearing it. For a very long time, when I heard that final line, “go, and from now on sin no more”, I automatically pictured Jesus saying: “You need to try harder Neil! I saved your butt this time, but now you need to get back out there and make sure you do not sin anymore! I may not be so forgiving next time!”

When we read the last line in John 8:1-11 or any other portion of scripture, many of us hear God saying something He is not. I would often picture Him saying to “work harder to sin less” or pointing out how bad I’ve messed up, with an arrogant, condescending scowl on his face. Other times it was with an overwhelmingly disappointed look.

How we view God and what we picture Him saying is crucial to how we experience everything in our lives. Our perspective of Him has a direct impact on how we relate to others and react to our circumstances. Sometimes our perspective is truthful, sometimes it is flawed causing us to miss who He really is and what He is really saying. Too many times, we misinterpret Him telling us to work harder to be a better Christian so that He will accept us. God knows we cannot manage or control our sin on our own, so why would He ask us to try to do that? He wouldn’t!

Jesus offers us something far more powerful and life-changing than a better self-management plan for sin.

If Jesus is not merely telling the woman to try harder and to do better, what is he really saying? We can attempt to see Jesus’ message by putting ourselves in her shoes. In the midst of my own fears, guilt, and shame, I picture myself in the same predicament the woman found herself in. I am in awe of the fact that Jesus is not scolding me. He is choosing not to condemn me at all. He is choosing not to identify me by the bad choices I have made. So, in the end, when I picture him looking at me and telling me that he does not condemn me and for me to go and sin no more, I realize what is really happening.

What the woman experienced…what I am able to picture myself experiencing, is His grace!

Jesus was not preaching self-effort…He was teaching dependence on Him. Instead of condemnation, He was offering unconditional love and acceptance. That experience with grace is what would give the woman the power to move forward in her life, with sin losing it’s power over her. No longer would she have to constantly seek attention from men who would wind up using her. Instead, she could rest in the eternal affection of a loving Lord. She was finally free! It would not be her efforts that would cause her to overcome her sin, but the grace of her Heavenly Father working in and through her to accomplish it every step of the way. She only needed to experience it to embrace it, and Jesus’ loving act of rescuing her did just that! He didn’t just rescue her from stones, but from a life of bondage and emptiness. Just like her, the more I embrace His grace in my life, the more freedom I experience in everything, including the bondage of sin.

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Over the course of our lives, we encounter difficult times. We have different paths, and some of us seem to struggle more than others. However, we all have something in common when it comes to those trying times. It’s helpful to have good friends to invite into our lives, to lean on as we experience hardship. I’m very thankful to have had some of those at just the right times.

It can be difficult to identify those special ones who can be a conduit for God’s love and comfort right when we need it. Thankfully, there’s several characteristics to look for when determining who we can turn to in a time of need.

Relationship is the priority.

For a person to offer us what we need in a crisis, their priority must be to engage an authentic relationship with us. If they do not care about getting to know us for who we really are, the interactions with them will be surface at best. No real healing can take place in that environment, because the real stuff doesn’t come up.

No fixing!

If pursuing and enjoying a relationship is the priority, fixing each other won’t be. This one sounds counter-intuitive when we are seeking help in a time of need. However, assuming someone else can actually fix us, or teach us how to fix ourselves, is dangerous. The harder we try to be fixed, the more depressed we get as we fail at it. When we lean on someone whose main goal is to fix us, they will be eager to tell us what to do. They will also get frustrated or lose interest when they see us fail to adhere to their directions. That kind of experience adds to the hopeless feelings we may already be struggling with.

We do not find what we need by striving and working harder to do it by human effort. However, when we are with someone who offers us a safe place to open up, we are finally able to lay down the self-effort that has failed us, take off masks that we may have been wearing a long while, and allow our Father, God, to engage those broken areas in our hearts.

Trust is essential.

We tend not to share our true selves with someone who is untrustworthy, and if we do, we eventually get hurt. It takes time to see whether or not someone is trustworthy. As we take the risk to open up, bit by bit, we will see how the other person handles it. A trustworthy person will treat our experiences and disclosures with the upmost respect. They will seek to understand and comfort us when we need it.

Nothing remains hidden.

The masks must come off in a healing relationship. And the masks that come off should not be from one side of the relationships only. If the one we are sharing ourselves with is the right person for us to turn to, he or she will also freely share his or her own life experiences, feelings, and failures. That last one might be the most important. A helpful, loving friend is not afraid to reveal his or her imperfections. They can openly admit they are wrong.

We’re viewed as a Saint who sometimes fails.

The most helpful of friends will be those that seek to know us for who we really are. Once they see behind all the junk that may be in our lives, they focus on our true identity. God does this. Once He changes us by adopting us as His children, He no longer views us as sinners. Through Jesus, He views us as saints (Ephesians 1). Good friends follow God’s lead and view us as someone who fails, but they do not identify us by those failures. Instead, they remind us of who we really are, and argue against anything that says anything different.

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