Category: Counseling

Who Am I?

Sometimes I feel lost and don’t even know who I am. I catch myself trying to be like this successful person, that great writer or that great coach. Sometimes I don’t understand why I act the way I do or why God gave me certain traits. Why did I respond that way? Why can’t I just make a decision? Why did I get so angry? I also ask these same questions in my relationship with Neil. Why is he acting like that. Why didn’t he do this instead of that? Why does he want that?

If you’re like me and find yourself questioning who you or someone else is then I encourage you to read this old post that describes temperament. This tool has made a tremendous difference in my life and I am constantly going back to it to help me understand who I am.

We would love to provide this service to you and walk with you as you discover who God made you to be and how this looks in your everyday life. Feel free to reach out with any questions -Melissa
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All About Temperament

With the launch of our website, one of our hopes is to provide more information about what kind of services we offer. One of the tools we have been using for years now is something called the “Arno Profile System”, which is a particular kind of “Temperament Testing”. Here’s a short rundown on this optional, but valuable tool.

What is a “temperament”?
An easy way to view “temperament” is to envision it as describing a person’s needs, traits, strengths, and weaknesses. One cool thing about knowing your temperament is it will never change. We were born with a certain temperament, by God’s design, so no temperament is a “bad temperament”. Although temperament is not learned and never changes, life experiences can cause one to act out differently than someone with the same temperament. And, of course, the output of our temperament is vastly different when we are acting in sin versus walking by faith. The assessment is only one way of trying to identify and understand the intricacies of God’s workmanship in us, but we have found it very particularly accurate and enlightening for those we have shared it with.

Where did we get this “temperament” stuff and why do we use it?
A large part of our studies revolved around the “Arno Profile System” and being licensed to administer it. Dr. Richard Arno and Dr. Phyllis Arno developed this assessment to help Christian Counselors help others. We can be skeptical when we run across any counseling tool, and this assessment was no different. However, after administering it to a large number of family, friends, and clients, we have found it to be exceptionally helpful. We believe strongly in helping people identify “heart issues” and dealing with those, rather than simply teaching people how to work harder to behave better. The results of temperament assessment helps us and those we work with move towards that goal.

What have our past clients had to say about this?
Here are a few examples of the repeated feedback we have received from those who have completed the assessment and reviewed the results with me:
1) Better understanding of self, along with increased awareness of personal strengths and weaknesses
2) Better understanding of others (wife, child, parent, etc.)
3) Realization of the true cause of the issue with which the person has been struggling
4) Spurring of real, deep conversations between couples planning to marry or having been married for years
5) The realization that some personal tendencies, previously identified as flaws, are actually just misuses of wonderful gifts (traits) God has created in us
6) Learned about the true source of their tendencies, and found themselves learning how to turn “weaknesses” into a “strengths”

How much does this assessment cost?
At present, there is a charge for temperament testing. Please contact us for pricing, as it varies, depending on the situation. For group testing, we will make adjustments based on the number being tested. We do require at least one counseling session to present and explain the results. From our experience, we have seen that most people want more than one session for discussion.

How do I sign up for temperament testing?
Please click here if you think you may be interested in temperament testing for yourself, you and your spouse, pre-marital counseling, your small group at church, your family, or some other setting you might have in mind.

-Neil & Melissa

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Stigma Attached to Counseling

Melissa and I visited with a friend recently at lunch. She is a fellow Christian Counselor (visit her page by clicking here) in the Dunn area. In our discussion, we shared some with each other about the stigma that we often see being attached to counseling. It made me think back to my personal experience with counseling, when I was a client myself.

I avoided counseling as long as I could.

Back in 2004, I was having multiple panic attacks a day. These attacks were coupled with constant anxiety that robbed me of my ability to enjoy just about everything. I tried everything to cope and/or fix my problem. I tried prescription drugs, a lot of willpower, avoiding triggers, and other remedies. Nothing worked for me. I was determined to deal with it my way…on my own. I was told to seek counsel multiple times, but I rolled my eyes. At times, I would get desperate and actually consider looking into finding a counselor. When I did, I got very scared of what it would mean for me to go down that path. Was I so messed up that I actually needed a “shrink”? Would I be labeled crazy by others? WAS I crazy? Would I be wasting my time and money? Shouldn’t there be a better, less vulnerable way to fix this mess I was in? I put off the decision as long as I could…until one day I gave in. I was miserable and did not see a way out. I made contact with a counselor and set up an appointment.

Counseling was not what I expected.

I had expected this counselor to direct me to lay on a couch and whine as he jotted notes and discretely ate a sandwich behind me…occasionally saying, “Uh huh, and how does that make you feel?” However, it was nothing like that at all. My counselor was personable. As I began to trust him (which is a slow process for me), I shared more and more about what I was experiencing. He was great listener, and did not rush to give me pat answers. I had no idea at the time how badly I needed to be heard. Really heard. I realized a need to open up and share about me and what was going on inside and out. When he did speak, it was genuinely in response to what he was hearing me say. He did not treat me or my circumstances as “weird” or unacceptable.

Counseling taps into something natural and healing.

When our hair is messed up, we need a mirror to fix it back (well, not me…I’m bald, but I need a mirror to shave my head and not miss any spots!). Counseling serves many purposes, and one of them is acting like a mirror for us. When I shared with my counselor, he was able to offer reflections about me and my situation that I could not see myself. Without him, it was like I was trying to fix a cow-lick in the back of my head without a mirror. Reflections from a caring, trained counselor were foundational in the resolving of issues that I didn’t even know I had. Those issues were playing out in the physical and psychological manifestation of anxiety and panic attacks. My counselor was able to help me piece all of it together.

Counseling is not for the cowardly and weak.

One of my hesitancies about seeking counsel was that it meant I was weak and pitiful…like less of a man. I realized fairly quickly in the process that I was mistaken. And after nine years of counseling others, my thoughts are even more emphatic: PEOPLE WHO SEEK COUNSELING ARE MUCH BRAVER AND STRONGER THAN THEY REALIZE. It takes courage to be vulnerable with someone and to face the unknown or perhaps things we’ve been avoiding. It takes bravery to remove the “I’m okay” mask and say, “You know what, I’m NOT okay!” It’s a healing process, but it is not effortless. I have an immense respect for all people that seek counsel.

The counseling experience can be both comfortable and life-changing.

I hope to help others hurdle over the stigma that has been associated with counseling. For me, counseling is very relational. I am committed to real, authentic interactions with people I meet with every day. Yes, I’m trained in my profession, but I minister out of a foundation of trust in the healing power of God’s grace that we get to experience together in a safe counseling setting. I realize it can be scary and uncomfortable, especially at first, but I also know how it can become an experience in which God brings marvelous outcomes of hope, healing, and freedom.

-Neil

If you would like information about S.A.F.E. Counseling and Coaching services, please click here to contact us. We’d love to hear from you and see if any of our services are right for you.

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A Quick Look at Temperament Testing

With the launch of this website, one of my hopes is to provide more information about what kind of counseling services I offer. One of the tools I have been using for years now is something called the “Arno Profile System”, which is a particular kind of “Temperament Testing”. Here’s a short rundown on this optional, but valuable part of counseling that I do…

What is a “temperament”?

An easy way to view “temperament” is to envision it as describing a person’s needs, traits, strengths, and weaknesses. One cool thing about knowing your temperament is it will never change. We were born with a certain temperament, by God’s design, so no temperament is a “bad temperament”. Although temperament is not learned and never changes, life experiences can cause one to act out differently than someone with the same temperament. And, of course, the output of our temperament is vastly different when we are acting in sin versus walking by faith. The assessment is only one way of trying to identify and understand the intricacies of God’s workmanship in us, but I have found it very particularly accurate and enlightening  for those I have shared it with.

Where did I get this “temperament” stuff and why do I use it?

A large part of my Ph.D. studies revolved around the “Arno Profile System” and being licensed to administer it. Dr. Richard Arno and Dr. Phyllis Arno developed this assessment to help Christian Counselors help others. I am skeptical when I run across any counseling tool, and this assessment was no different. However, after administering it to a large number of family, friends, and clients, I have found it to be exceptionally helpful. I believe strongly in helping people identify “heart issues” and dealing with those, rather than simply teaching people how to work harder to behave better. The results of temperament assessment helps me and those I work with move towards that goal.

What have my past clients had to say about this?

Here are a few examples of the repeated feedback I have received from those who have completed the assessment and reviewed the results with me:

1) Better understanding of self, along with increased awareness of personal strengths and weaknesses

2) Better understanding of others (wife, child, parent, etc.)

3) Realization of the true cause of the issue with which the person has been struggling

4) Spurring of real, deep conversations between couples planning to marry or having been married for years

5) The realization that some personal tendencies, previously identified as flaws, are actually just misuses of wonderful gifts (traits) God has created in us

6) Learned about the true source of their tendencies, and found themselves learning how to turn “weaknesses” into a “strengths”

How much does this assessment cost?

At present, there is a charge for temperament testing. Please contact me for pricing, as it varies, depending on the situation. For group testing, I will make adjustments based on the number being tested. I do require at least one counseling session to present and explain the results. From my experience, most people want more than one session for discussion.

How do I sign up for temperament testing?

Please click here if you think you may be interested in temperament testing for yourself, you and your spouse, pre-marital counseling, your small group at church, your family, or some other setting you might have in mind.