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I was reading through Colossians a few days ago and noticed that the author’s approach to issues within the Church in Colosse was much different than how we often approach similar situations. One of the issues in the church was the practice of worshipping angels. With angels being elevated to that status in the hearts and minds of the people, they were in danger of losing perspective of who they needed to be following first and foremost: Christ.

Immediately pointing out what is wrong is often the wrong approach.

I find it tempting, in situations in which I observe others potentially headed down the wrong path, to immediately point it out to them. I know I often find myself doing this with my son. I think it is important to say here that I am not always right. My thoughts are sometimes only perceptions and opinions instead of truth. But even when I am right, this approach seems to fall short of the outcome I desire. Instead of helping the person, I drive them away and our relationship suffers.

Love and concern is a great foundation for any interaction with others.

With the Colossians, Paul did not begin with, “Hey, quit worshipping angels. It’s wrong.” Instead, he focused on a few other things. One of the things Paul did was convey his love for the Colossians. True love and concern was the basis for him writing the letter to them. He told them how often he prayed for them. Paul mentioned how he had struggled greatly at times as he thought of them, desperately wanting the best for them. Paul didn’t just have them on a routine prayer list, he devoted a lot of his time and energy to them. And Paul did not just rely on words like “I love you”, his actions were also evidence of his love. When the Colossians read this letter, Paul wanted them to know how much they were loved, period.

Encouragement is more powerful than criticism.

Paul also took time to point out how thankful he was for the good things the Colossians had been doing. He pointed out their strengths, including their love for others and their faith in Jesus Christ. He did not let some of their shortcomings cause him to forget their value and strengths. He showed his thankfulness for the hearts God had given them in Christ and how they had exercised those hearts in what they did. Although Paul knew of the bad teachings that were plaguing the church, he was careful to recall how many good things were flowing through them as well. He chose to address those things first.

Pointing to Christ is better than pointing out mistakes.

Then Paul went on to talk a lot about Christ. He wrote about redemption in Jesus, the forgiveness of sins, and the strength and wisdom available in Him. Paul pointed out how all things were created through Him and for Him. Paul reminded them of the new life Christ has given them, and the former life He rescued them from. After reading through all of this part of the letter, it would be difficult for any believer to be left wondering how worthy Christ is of our worship. With the description he wrote of Christ, the Christian Colossians could not help but be drawn to Him…instead of angels or any other idol.

What is good for others is also good for us. 

What Paul did with his friends in Colosse is something that we need to practice as well, not just in relating to others, but dealing with our own struggles. The war over bad behaviors and difficult emotional states is not won by being critical, focusing directly on what’s wrong, and trying to fix it. The truth is we all need something outside of us to focus on and overpower those things. Our Heavenly Father has abundant love and concern for us. He is not focused on our mistakes. He is proud of who we are as His children and will gladly encourage us along the way and give us what we need. And that relationship with Him was, is, and will always be possible through Christ. What better way to point to that relationship than to treat others and ourselves the way God does?

Identifying myself has never been an easy thing for me. I have often found myself stalling when, in the process of signing up for a social media site, I get to the “about me” section. Immediately, I think about my relationships and what I do. I am a father, a husband, a son, and a brother. I am a counselor and an accountant. Hobbies that I enjoy, such as weightlifting and listening to music, come to my mind. Political views can be thrown in there as well, although this is not something that I tend to do. Having studied temperament counseling, I also know that my temperament (which describes specific and consistent aspects of my personality) is something called “Melancholy”. The information that goes along with that tells me quite a bit about my tendencies, needs, strengths, and weaknesses.

Labels are helpful, but not sufficient.

That kind of information is helpful in giving others an idea of who we are. However, it is not enough. We are so complex, simple labels cannot adequately describe all that we are. Although I can say that I am a husband, or even a “husband that loves his wife”, no one can see how I relate to her and how I convey my love with a few, mere words. If I described myself as a Republican or Democrat, that would give someone a general idea of my views, but would come very short of conveying my complete ideology. We need to be open to the fact that labels are just helpful tools, not something to be relied upon strictly.

Labels can be bondage.

Although helpful at times, labels can also become detrimental. As with anything taken in excess, labels, too, can become excessive and relied upon too much. I remember a point during my full-time counseling work when I realized I had lost myself. I know that may sound a bit strange, but let me explain. While at work, ministering to others, I was fine. While away from work, I was not. I was stressed out and resembled a zombie much of the time. All I could think about was the sessions I had the previous week and the sessions I would have the following week. I was a counselor. Unfortunately, I had allowed that to be ALL that I was. Once I realized that and released that label as the sum of my identity, I found freedom. The label of “counselor” was, and is, a wonderful output of who I am, but it is not ALL that I am. That goes for any other label as well.

Labels may come from an unreliable source.

I have stated many times that I often struggle with feeling stupid. Without going to far into that again, let me just say that a common tendency for me is to assume I am an idiot. This, obviously, is a label that I sometimes allow to describe me. That leads to behaviors and feelings consistent with that label, such as trying to prove myself, attain more knowledge, hide from chances of being exposed as an idiot, etc. It is vitally important to examine the source of our labels. All labels are not completely accurate. However, some are completely inaccurate.

The truth of who we are needs to be sought above all else.

Regardless of the source of our labels, the best way to determine whether or not that source is accurate is to have access to the truth. When we know the truth, the false labels are easily recognized. Once we recognize them, we can choose to believe the truth and act accordingly. A more accurate label can even be applied, if necessary. The trouble here is, where do we go for truth regarding who we are? We can ask family and friends, we can look at our accomplishments and failures, and we can read and study books on the subject. However, the trouble is that those sources can all be unreliable at times. What we need is a consistent source of truth so that we are not blown around by feelings and what we or others think.

Ask God for an accurate label.

Being our Father and Creator, God knows us better than anyone, including ourselves. God is Love, and He is also Truth. As I read through the Bible, I find it very helpful to frequently ask Him the question, “Who am I?”. I have heard others doing it by asking God for his or her true “name”. However we decide to do it, we need to acknowledge Him as the perfect source of telling us truth, including about who we are. If God filled out my “about me” section, what would He say? That’s what I need to know, believe, and hold onto when other sources tell me something different.

Having struggled greatly with anxiety at times in my life, I have had many opportunities to experience and examine its affect on me. Fear is an extremely powerful motivator, but not in a good way. Fear of failure can stall advancement in our occupations, as we would rather play it safe and not try than to face the chance of not succeeding. Fear of the unknown can paralyze us, leading us to choose a risk-free existence rather really living life to the fullest. Fear of what others might think can drive us to be people pleasers, burning us out with all the work it takes trying to make others happy. The same fear can have the opposite affect, leading us to push everyone away as we assume there’s no hope in being accepted anyway.

Coping mechanisms are not the cure for anxiety and fear.

In having ample time to ponder my own fears and the horrible symptoms that come with anxiety (sleeplessness, physical shakes, dizziness, stomach aches, forgetfulness, brain fog, headaches, busyness, irritability, etc.), I have had equal opportunity to seek out a cure, or at least something to lessen the effects. There are very good coping mechanisms available, none of which I will cover here. The reason is this: they are temporary at best and provide no lasting peace.

The one thing we cannot do without is love.

There is one thing I find myself fighting in life, which ironically makes my fears and anxiety much worse. This fight actually gives them more power over me. I fight “receiving love”. Why in the world would I do that? Out of the emotional needs that we all have, love is at the top of the list. It’s what we all come into this world needing more than anything else. God defines Himself as love, and when separated from that love, we are scrambling around, hopeless.

When I fail to receive love, its because I do not believe I am lovable. 

Deep down, I mostly feel that I don’t deserve love. I wonder how in the world someone could genuinely offer me their affection. I doubt their sincerity or think they “don’t know the real me”. Love is generally not comfortable, at times, either. I believe this has to do with the fact that I do not feel that it could be real. I do not even love myself half the time, so how could anyone else? Love also has this wild tendency to bring out my emotions, another thing with which I am not exactly comfortable. I’d rather hide so all my skeletons don’t get out of the closet.

Love and fear cannot coexist.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15, ESV)

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18, ESV)

These are only two of the many passages that specifically state the opposing relationship between love and fear. In Romans 8:15, Paul wants his readers to know how important it is to embrace our relationship with God. The rules we set up, in church or personally, are useless when it comes to finding freedom in Christ (from fear or any bondage). The key is the relationship.

Peace is found in love, and God is love personified.

Experiencing God as our “Father”, instead of whatever image we have of him is crucial in experiencing His love. And that love is what frees us from fear. Instead of fearing punishment, not being good enough for Him (or others), or feeling as if we must work just a little bit harder to earn his acceptance, He wants more for us. He simply wants us to cry out to Him, fall into His embrace, and find the peace that can only come through His Grace.

Being self-centered is something we can easily point out in others. We see it in those people who always find a way to turn the conversation to themselves. They complain about everything and how bad they have it. They remind us constantly of their last accomplishment, urging us covertly to acknowledge it and pat them on the back. They get angry when we do not show them enough attention or leave them out.

Self-centeredness is not just a problem THEY have.

However, we need not be so quick to criticize these people for making it all about them. Instead, it may pay off greatly for us to take this as a cue to examine ourselves first, as this self-centered tendency is not something to which any of us are immune. In fact, we may be deeper into that sort of world view than we think.

Self-centeredness can be hard to see in ourselves.

The truth is self-centeredness can be rather hard to uncover when it pertains to looking at yourself. Just this past week, God reminded me of a way I do this. Those of you that know me, know that I frequently examine myself as well as others, trying to understand and help both. The first several years as a counselor, I delved even deeper into the self-examination. This was wonderful because the Lord revealed so many things about me that needed to be brought to light. It was a catalyst for many changes. However, there is a point in which self-examination is not healthy, and I have found I cross that line often.

Self-examination can be a good or bad thing.

When I focus so much on self-examination that all that remains is criticism, I have crossed that line. Think about how we view others when we are critical of them. We focus on their weaknesses and how they are not as we would like them to be. We do not enjoy being around them because we do not see the positive aspects of those people because all we see are the negative things we pick out. When we are critical of ourselves, it is no different. We focus on perceived weaknesses, things that we’d like to change about ourselves, and completely miss anything we could enjoy about ourselves.

Self-examination, by its very name, implies focus on self.

The problem, it seems, is that excessive self-examination is self-centered instead of Christ-centered. If the examination process does not lead to discovering joy in who God created me to be, then I have failed to attain the goal of finding something true about myself. Instead, I have sought out to find “everything wrong with me and fix it”. This is a path to hopelessness as self-help never leads to surrendering and allowing God to do His work in and through me.

Healthy self-examination leads to freedom and joy, not just more things to fix.

To truly understand an object, one will find out the most about it from its Creator. To truly understand, or “find ourselves”, we must not look to discover who we are without conversing with the One who knit us together in our mothers’ wombs. Although I can see glimpses of Him in myself and others, it is not likely I will notice these truths without His influence. The more I know Him, the more I know myself and others.

As a teenager, I struggled greatly with telling the truth. Well, actually, there wasn’t much of a struggle going on. For the most part I did not even try to be honest. There were things I wanted others to know, and there were things I did not want them to know. I discovered, during that time, just how awesome my imagination was. I concocted intricate lies that were sprinkled with just enough truth that I was certain my parents (or whoever I was lying to) would be misled. Of course, I had my reasons for doing this that made perfect sense at the time. Ironically, I was a victim of my own imagination and did not know it.

We can lie to ourselves just as good, if not better, than we can lie to others.

Somehow I had misused my imagination to the point that I believed it made perfect sense that I “had” to lie to certain people. Instead of living in reality, I had fallen into an illusion of my own making. I lived several years lying not only to others, but to myself as well. I bought into the lie that I was better off making it up as I went. I even bought into the lie that, amidst my false persona, I knew exactly who I was and what I needed at the time.

When we lie, we block ourselves from the truth we actually need.

I was missing out on so many truths that would have set me free from the anxiety and depression that resulted during that time. The fact is, I was no where near knowing myself, let alone BEING myself, if I was not consistent in how I interacted with others. I ignored the fact that if I lied to those who loved me, then I was trying to avoid feeling the guilt of doing wrong. I was avoiding the warning lights on the dashboard! I was so focused on doing what I wanted, I missed all the signs that those things could not be what I needed.

When we rely on lies and masks to avoid reality, we sabotage our relationships with others.

Of course, in my mind, anyone who offered me truth had to be crazy, out to get me, or worse. I wanted no part of any conversation that did not validate my decisions. I viewed people who disagreed with me as enemies, uninformed, or just plain wrong. I sought people who would only validate my choices (and my lies). Many relationships I had at the time paid the price for my unwillingness to be real.

Despite misuse…our imaginations are a gift from God.

Our imaginations are, indeed, amazing. We can dream of infinite things to experience or create. God’s creativity is well seen in these wonderful gifts that He has given us. However, as in my case as a teen, our imaginations can be used in not-so-good ways. When our imaginations lure us away from living in reality, they have ceased to be used the way God intended them to be used. Where we sometimes misuse them as an escape from reality or to fool others, He intended them to be used to find ways to better experience reality and love those around us.

A reality check is not complicated, but it’s not easy.

We make the process of a reality check hard because we fear the truth is far worse than the lie we have been living. Typically, looking at the evidence and acknowledging it is all that it takes, but taking a step of faith to actually begin living the truth is difficult. However, it is worth the risk to be able to fully experience the love and relationship God has with us, and to fully enjoy and love those dear to us. The wonderful surprise is that God’s Truth about who we are is not what we tend to believe. If we could only see ourselves as He sees us, it would change everything! I hope and pray that God will open up doors this week for each of us to take that scary step to drop the masks and engage that deep longing to freely be who He created us to be.

Tonight I met with a group of men to honor, support, and pray for a friend going through a very difficult time in his life. Many emotions were felt as those in the room shared past experiences that reflected the essence of who this man is. At the end, this exceptional man stood up front and shared a few words. As he spoke, my thoughts focused on how much fear must be present in his life right now. However, despite the obstacles he faces ahead, he stood tall and ready to face them. I was, and am still, amazed. 

When we hear the words “spiritual warfare”, we might picture a number of different things. My wife tells me she tends to picture the stereotypical angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, both offering their suggestions in your ears. I, being a bit weird, begin picturing an unseen world of angels and demons, attacking each other on a war-torn battlefield, red skies and all.

Phrases taken from the Bible such as “fight the good fight of faith” (1 Timothy 6:12), “put on the whole armor of God” (Ephesians 6:11), and “the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh” (2 Corinthians 10:4) indicate that there, indeed, is a war going on. But spiritual warfare is not all about a mystical war that we cannot see with our own eyes, or whether to listen to the good or bad angel on our shoulder. The fight is actually right in front of us. We are in the midst of a raging war, even in the seemingly unimportant things that we do every day.

If I tell you that bears only want to give you a hug, and you believe me, you very well may get hurt when you go up to one and try to give it a squeeze. If I tell you a butterfly has an extremely poisonous and painful bite, and you believe me, you will miss the beauty of them as you run away in fear of them.

Our Enemy constantly uses the strongest weapon he has against us. This pervasive, potentially devastating force is surprisingly not as dramatic as we sometimes think. His weapon of choice is deception. If he can get us to believe even one lie, he has successfully lured us away from reality. This is what happened to Adam and Eve, and it’s been happening ever since. Sometimes it feels like everyone and everything is against us. It may feel like the Enemy is everywhere, constantly harassing us, even reading our thoughts and making bad things to happen. However, this is not true at all. Once he’s pitched us one of his cunning lies, he can kick back while we do the destructive work ourselves by walking around believing him.

If such ridiculous lies about bears and butterflies can be destructive, put it in perspective and try to picture what widespread damage the following lies can do: “You are a pathetic loser, you will never be good enough, you are fat, you are ugly, no one likes you, you are stupid, God wants you to work harder to please Him, God doesn’t care about you, that one thing you keep beating yourself up for is too bad for God or anyone to forgive, and you are just a terrible person”. In my experience, lies like this are common. They tend to focus on who God is and who I am.

So how do we fight this “good fight”? Timothy blatantly tells us this good fight involves faith. Faith is the most powerful weapon we have been given by God. What better way to fight lies than with truth? Lies pour into every aspect of our life, affecting our emotions, physical health, and relationships. They fuel issues while attempting to raise a child, confront a person who has wronged us, or work through extremely disappointing circumstances. Trusting Him provides us with what we need to dispel lies, see things clearly, and act on things confidently. The Truth sets us free and allows us to enjoy the things God intends for us to enjoy, including such things as relationships, work, and, yes, butterflies.

As a parent, I often find myself in situations in which I want so badly to fix something for my son. It is not pleasant to watch him struggle through things. Recently, he injured himself playing basketball and was sidelined from the sport he loves (track) for several weeks. It was painful knowing he was missing out on track meets he longed to participate in each week.

In that particular case, my son really did not have a choice. The injury was an accident. Sometimes our children, or others that we care about, make choices that really scare us. Sometimes the consequences of those choices are even scarier. What are we to do when we are in the middle of one of these scenarios?

Fix it. That’s right. That is the first instinct for most of us, I believe. Sometimes there is no easy fix, but we worry and devise plans to make things as easy as possible for the other person…to “help” them through whatever it is that’s going on. We often take on the responsibility to make things right, or whatever it is we think is right (sometimes we are clear on that, sometimes we are not). With the weight of responsibility comes feelings of guilt, and things just get worse from there. We begin blaming ourselves for whatever it is and sometimes get so fixated on it that we are paralyzed by it.

No matter how many times I travel that road of “fixing it”, it always starts out looking good at first. However, the road is always treacherous and it never leads to where I wanted it to go. So what’s a better choice? It’s important to notice that “fixing”, in and of itself, implies self-reliance and self-effort. It also implies that we know what the end result needs to be. No where in the process of trying to fix a problem for someone else is there room for trusting God to work things out according to His plan. There is an absence of faith in “fixing”.

So, the alternative to “fixing” is to venture down that road of faith. It may not look like much at first, because we tend to feel like since we are not necessarily scrambling and doing a lot of visible work, that we are on the wrong path. However, although faith is less about “doing” and more about “believing”, it is far from easy. Trusting any of God’s promises can prove to be a very difficult thing for us at any given moment in time.

So what might this look like? Let’s ponder, for a moment, how God deals with His children (us!). Despite the fact that God loves us perfectly as our Father, He surprisingly does not choose to fix everything for us. This does not sit well with us at times. However, one thing He always chooses to do is love us. He apparently knows that the most important thing during a crisis is for us is to be loved by Him. That love is more than enough. It is more important, even, than having our problems fixed for us. Trusting in this kind of love and offering it to others is crucial…and far more valuable than any fix we can muster up.

Not too long ago, my wife and I sat outside having one of our deep discussions. Somehow the topic moved to “Who in our lives do we really respect?”. It was an interesting thing for me to ponder. Having been let down more than once by others I had mistakenly put on a pedestal, I am cautious with whom I toss the word “respect” around.

I think we typically look to people we deem “successful”; having something we’d like to have ourselves. Our definition of “successful” may revolve around the accumulation of wealth, power, knowledge, prestige, or fame. I have noticed that we, in general, will even look up to people who simply have the appearance of success, regardless if there actually is any real-life evidence to support the existence of it (such as a person who is a good speaker, dresses stylishly, or has several followers on Twitter or Vine). 

Upon meditating about these things, I found myself gravitating towards thoughts of people in my life who are authentic; people who are not posing as something they are not. I guess seven years of ministering to people as a counselor has opened my eyes to the value of a real relationship, where both parties are not interested in trying to put up a front. Painful life situations are not fun, but they certainly provide ample opportunity to take up the courage to risk finding and being yourself, no matter what anyone thinks.

Ironically, people who are on the road towards authenticity often do not even respect themselves at times. They struggle through difficult times and think they are somehow a failure because they do not have it all together. Taking off the masks and being real is far from easy.

April Fools!

Just a little joke for April Fools’ Day. Those of you that know me know that I would never push a self-help approach to the Christian walk. Paul knew the foolishness of such an approach and discussed it with the Galatian believers…

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2 Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? 4 Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? 5 Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith—6 just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”?7 Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of Abraham.
Galatians 3:1-7 (ESV)

We are to walk by faith, not by striving to achieve better behavior. Working hard to be a better person did not get us into a relationship with God. God did that through us trusting in Christ, and that does not change once we become believers. We need Christ every step of the way like we need food and water to live. It continues to be through Faith that we can be the men and women He has created us to be. Without His Grace through Faith, I can no more take one step in the right direction as a follower of Christ than I could take one step towards God without Christ before He saved me.