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I remember years ago… a friend and I went out to eat lunch. At some point in the ordering process, he made sure the lady behind the register knew he would be paying for both our meals. He beat me to it! My instant reaction was to say, “Thanks! I will pay for us next time!” Nothing seems inherently wrong with that interaction. However, there was something off with me, although I did not realize it at the time. I was having great difficulty accepting a nice gesture, like the one made by my good friend, without planning to pay it back somehow. Looking back, I was having the same problem in other areas of my life as well. Even today, I see this tendency.

It feels wrong to accept a gift without paying for it. 

If I cannot, or am not allowed to, actually make payment for something given to me, I find myself wanting to find another way to earn it somehow. For instance, if my wife cooks me dinner, I might feel compelled to pay her back by cleaning up or taking out the trash. While those things are awesome things to do, my heart is in the wrong place if the acts are merely “paying her back”.

We feel weird accepting gifts from people, and God, too.

In this manner, my relationship with my Heavenly Father is not any different than my interactions with people. God says He has given me Grace, and it is not a result of anything I have done, am doing, or can do. But it just does not feel right to accept that without doing something for Him. We, Christians, often talk about how we “come as we are”, broken and full of sin, to Him and receive His forgiveness when we are saved. But long after that has occurred, I feel like I need to do something for Him, like work hard to sin less, or something. I owe Him that much, right? Also, I often feel like His Grace MUST have a credit limit or something, kind of like my credit card. At some point with all of my mistakes, I will have to do something to get the balance low enough so the card (which is me!) is not rejected.

Grace is a stumbling block.

While it did not feel right to accept my friend’s gift of a free meal, I needed to be able to accept it in order to allow our friendship to be based on love and not some messed up credit system. As odd as the title of this blog post is, it fits a real struggle many of us share. In all my hard work, striving to be as good as I can be, avoiding what I perceive as failure, striving to “love others”, and in doing all that other important stuff we know Jesus talked about, something always gets in my way. Something always trips me up. For a long time, I thought it was all me. I just could not get it right, so I kept tripping over myself. That’s not entirely true, though. What I keep tripping over is actually…Grace. God has placed Himself squarely in my way when I go down the “striving to earn my way” path because He knows I need to be tripped. It’s an exhausting path to endless struggle. That path must be interrupted so I will look up and see who tripped me. Although it often flies against everything that feels right, I need His Grace, not just good behavior like it’s some form of “payment”. And He does not need me to produce those things for Him either. He’d much rather have a relationship than a business arrangement. All I truly need, and what He truly desires, is for me to embrace His Grace…and all the wonderful, free gifts that are a part of a trusting relationship with Him.

What shall we say, then? That Gentiles who did not pursue righteousness have attained it, that is, a righteousness that is by faith; but that Israel who pursued a law that would lead to righteousness did not succeed in reaching that law. Why? Because they did not pursue it by faith, but as if it were based on works. They have stumbled over the stumbling stone, as it is written, “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense; and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.” (Romans 9:30-33, ESV)

When I first started pursuing my wife in high school, she had no idea who I was. She knew my name (I think!) and a little about what others may have told her, but she did not know the real me. I did not speed up the process of her getting to know me. Instead, I spent a lot of time trying to be what I thought she wanted me to be, rather than letting her get to know the real me. This type of thing tends to happen at the beginning of any relationship, whether it be in a social situation or even in a new job. It takes time to loosen up and be ourselves. It also takes time to get to know others because they, too, are prone to this behavior.

Fear is the culprit here.

At the beginning of any relationship, we do not know yet if the others around us will accept us. To avoid facing that fear of rejection, we may assume we are going to be rejected no matter what , so we choose to push everyone away before they even have the chance to accept us. The other option is to assume we might be accepted if we work hard enough at it, so we do everything we can to be accepted…except for being ourselves! No matter which of those paths we choose, we miss out on the very things we need the most in our relationships.

We miss out on finding out more about ourselves. When we spend our time hiding from others, it’s not just others that do not get to see our true selves. WE do not get to see ourselves either! Authenticity with others helps us learn more about ourselves.

We miss out on finding out more about others. When we spend our time faking our interactions, we attract the same behavior from others. We also fail to see the fakeness in others because we are so focused on faking it ourselves. If we really want to learn who we want to be close to, we need to be real.

Authenticity begins with our primary relationships.

Chances are, if we are not being real with the main relationships in our lives (usually spouses, children, parents, etc.), we are not being real anywhere else either. Trying to face the fear of rejection with anyone will not be easy. However, if we are going to put forth the effort, those crucial relationships are the best place to start because authenticity that begins at our core tends to spread to other parts of our lives.

The foremost relationship is with the One who knows us best. Being real with Him provides the best opportunity to find out who we really are. Because of His Grace, we are able to approach Him in confidence, regardless of all the personal things we struggle with. In other words, He can handle whatever mess we bring up to Him. He never turns us away. He accepts us because He knows who He has created us to be (our true identity). He’s the safest place to be real.

A few things to consider as we ask God the ongoing question, “Who am I?”…

Choose to face your fear of not being accepted by being real with someone. A good example is being honest about how we feel. How many times have we been angry but said, “Everything is fine.” with a fake smile?

Let others see who you are. As we find out more about ourselves, we need to share it with those who we learn we can trust. But remember, everyone does not get to see the deepest parts of us.

Give others time and freedom to tell you who they are. To know how much we can share with certain people, we must pay attention to what they tell us about themselves. Actions speak louder than words. We must be real with them so there is more likelihood that we will see them for who they are. And a wise lady once told me, “Once a person tells you who they are, believe them!”

Discover who you are and enjoy relationships with others. As we seek to be real, some may choose to pull away. This usually says more about them than it does you. This is an ongoing process of trial and error. Being comfortable in our own skin and developing real relationships are well worth the effort. As long as the goal is to be real and honest with God, ourselves, and others, we will get there!

This morning, while getting ready for work, I wanted to share something with my wife. What I had to share was not a big deal, really. However, her listening to me WAS a big deal. We both know this because of my reaction when I believed that she was not listening: unbelievable child-like behavior. The only thing missing was my bottom lip being poked out and me crossing my arms.

There’s an underlying reason as to why we overreact to things.

Why did I overreact so ridiculously at the thought of not being listened to? The overreaction is a red flag showing me there’s more to this than I might think. This is where I often fail to move forward. It’s easy to just tell myself to “get over it” or “it’s not a big deal” and never attempt to address the root of the problem. Emotional reactions are always a result of something deep inside us that is worth our attention.

It’s important to ask why something is so important.

Another good question to ask myself is, “Why is it so important for someone else to listen to me?”. When I see my wife’s eyes wandering to something other than my eyes when I am talking, an initial thought leads to a train wreck inside my mind. First, I think, “She’s not listening to me.” Then, I think, “What I’m saying must not be important to her”. Then, the inevitable…”I must not be important to her!”.

We have unique ways of receiving and giving love to each other.

We all have different ways we enjoy receiving and giving love to each other. Some of us like to do things for others, so we like things done for us. Some of us like to give and receive gifts. Some of us like simply spending time with others. Some of us like to listen and to be heard (okay, I snuck that one in there).

We need to look beyond what we usually rely on.

When I look at all the evidence, I find that there is much to support the fact that I am important to my wife. She shows her love in a multitude of ways. However, I miss seeing her love many times. The reason for this is that I usually rely on a select few ways to receive love from her. For instance, I value listening as a sign of love, so I look for that a lot. But listening is not the ONLY sign of love! We often limit ourselves to receiving love in the ways we are used to. We actually demand love in certain ways, sometimes silently…sometimes loudly. If love isn’t shown the way we want it to be, we actually reject it! To be free to receive love from others, we must surrender our expectations, and that it is hard to do.

We need to let God love us.

Although God listens to me, that’s not what He primarily points to in order to prove that I am loved. Instead, he points me to Jesus (1 John 3:16). Jesus gave His life for me. The act of anyone giving their life for me goes well beyond my usual expectations of how others should show me love. And on top of that, not just anyone gave their life. It was God’s only son. This is an amazing fact, but knowledge of this love is one thing. To experience this love is another (Ephesians 3:19). Just as I must consider how to let down my guard with my wife and let her love me however she wants, I must do the same with my Heavenly Father. One of the hardest things for us to do is to let God love us. We are very good at coming up with excuses why He can’t, or shouldn’t. As long as we hold onto those excuses, we refuse to allow His love to wash over us and define us. Instead, we allow lack of love to define us as unlovable. From there, we are incapable of loving others and letting them love us.

As simple as it may sound, I needed God’s love this morning. It’s not that it wasn’t there. It’s always there. HE’S always there. The greatest step of faith we can take sometimes is letting down our guard, throwing out the excuses, and just letting ourselves be loved.

 

 

Trust comes easier for some than others. I am one who is slow to trust. It is such a risk to trust, I often put the sole burden on others to prove themselves trustworthy first. While this proves to protect me in some ways, in other ways it prevents me from cultivating relationships with others. My son tends to trust first, ask questions later. He would rather risk getting hurt than to miss out on an opportunity to make a new friend. While this certainly leads to hurt at times, he has virtually no roadblock in making connections and enjoying others.

People will fail us, time and time again.

Some of us have been so jaded in life that we have decided it is better to be guarded. We have experienced what it feels like to let another person catch a glimpse of who we really are, only to be used, criticized, or rejected. We, consequently, have up walls to protect ourselves. I often catch myself assuming the intentions of others are not good. I think they must have ulterior motives if they are nice to me. The fact is, this is not true all the time. However, we do often fail each other. To avoid this we would have to avoid relationships altogether, which would leave us unfulfilled.

Trust is a gift.

Being worthy of trust means never letting someone down, always following through on promises, and having perfect motives all the time. None of us are capable of that! Even on our best “loving day”, we mess up. Therefore, all trust that is given to others is a gift we choose to give. Trust in others always comes with a risk. Our gift may be misused or misplaced. However, it can also bring joy to both the giver and the one receiving.

There is only one thing that consistently builds trust.

In examining the deepest and most precious relationships in my life, I have found a common thread in what compels me to trust. Only one thing can overcome a thousand letdowns and give me the courage and desire to trust someone. Love. When I realize that I am loved by someone, my assumption is not that they have an ulterior motive. I begin to assume that they have my best interest at heart when they listen and speak to me. I assume that they value me as they sacrifice time to spend with me. Even if they have a bad day and say something mean, I have the patience and confidence to see past it and know not to take it personal. I know there is love present behind their imperfections.

Being loved begins with being real.

Authenticity requires us to be vulnerable. It requires courage. It requires us to take off our masks and be real, at the risk of being hurt. One beautiful thing about it is, it opens us up to experience all the joys that relationships have to offer. We can only love and be loved in the context of a relationship in which we are openly being ourselves. Otherwise, the best people can do is love the mask we are wearing at the time.

There is one worthy of our trust.

So where can we dig up the courage to be real with others? Love is crucial, but everyone does not love me. If I wait for love from others before I choose to be real, I sometimes find myself waiting a long time. Honestly, I need something outside of myself and others to convince me it is okay to be authentic.

Since our Heavenly Father makes the incredible promise to love us unconditionally, we actually have access to the love we desperately need. This is something He does by Grace, so we can be real with Him. Christ made this clear in everything He said and did when He spent some time here on earth. I can know the love God has for me by looking at Christ. I can receive that love, which leads to trusting Him. I then engage an awesome cycle of experiencing that love more and more. 1 John 4:8 actually states that God IS love. He is the source of love that gives me what I need to take off my masks with others and be who He created me to be (myself!), even when others do not love me and deserve anything but trust. God desires this freedom for me. It’s a major goal of His. No ulterior motives.

In our society, printed pieces of paper and small pieces of metal represent something important to us. They are representative of our hard work. The majority of us value work ethic. Even our greetings hint at this. I bet I have heard this phrase thousands of times in my life when greeted by someone: “Hey, you working hard, or hardly working?!” Perhaps this is a phrase restricted to the South, or maybe just to Sampson County, NC. However, I am sure other regions have their own versions of sayings like that.

We not only value hard work, we value ourselves by how hard we work.

It is good to value hard work. Money is an important part of society that is an inescapable part of that process. We need to provide for ourselves and our families, and that requires hard work. When we do not value hard work, we eventually find ourselves in the pit of despair. We were not created to be idle, and we are never satisfied when we are. However, the real problem occurs when we find our own value in our work. Once we have slipped into that mentality, we can never work hard enough to feel good enough about ourselves. There’s always something left undone or done incorrectly. This is not restricted to our paying jobs. It may also apply, for some of us, to the work we do at home or even at church. When our value is dependent upon our performance, those things become a source of anxiety, depression, and severe frustration.

There are many different kinds of money.

In 1 Timothy 6:10 (ESV), Paul states the following popular words to Timothy:

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

This passage, and the surrounding Scripture in that chapter of Timothy, definitely points to issues we must watch out for regarding the pursuit of wealth. The love of money indicates a desire to earn something. Paul explicitly states this is the root of all kinds of evil. Literal money is not the only thing we pursue and try to earn. In some situations, the currency we love and pursue is acceptance from others. Other times, it is recognition in front of others for our work. Sometimes, it is seemingly good things like volunteering at church in an effort to “do the right thing” or “make God happy”.

Some things were never meant to be earned. 

In Romans 4:4-5 (ESV), Paul says the following:

Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due. And to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness…

Paul is stressing to the readers of this letter that a relationship with God is not earned. It is a free gift from God. The way to receive this gift is to accept it by faith. In other words, trust Him. However, there is something that can get in our way of receiving and experiencing Him: the love of money, or as Paul puts it here…trying to earn our way into and through our relationship with Him. When we try to earn what was meant to be a gift, we fail to accept it as a gift. We treat it like money to be earned. That goes for any gifts of the relationship He has with us. When we attempt to earn His love, acceptance, and all the other gifts He freely offers, we fail to receive His Grace. Christ was the perfect image of God and His Grace. Living in His Grace is the only way to experience the freedom and joy promised through Christ.

An undeserved gift raises our personal value more than anything we could earn.

Think about how you feel when you earn a dollar versus how you feel when someone surprises you with a gift. When we accept His love as a gift, our value is dependent on Him instead of what we think we deserve. If anyone tells you faith is easy, do not believe them. This is a perfect example. It is very difficult for us to surrender our desire to earn something. It seems to be an inborn trait. However, the reward for letting go of this, even in small ways at first, is overwhelming and better than anything we could ever earn.

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. (1 John 3-4, ESV)

When I think of the beach, I think of scenes like the picture I have included with this blog post. I think most people prefer a room with a view of the beach rather than the parking lot or the dumpsters. Likewise, when I actually go out on to the beach, I like to have a good view of the water. I think very few people, if any, prefer to set their chairs and towels up on the beach facing away from the water.

Without sand and water, the beach really is not the beach at all.

If all I knew of the beach was the dumpster view of one of the rooms, I most likely would not care much about going. This is the same with anything in life. My view of something determines my interactions with it. If I think the beach is boring and trashy, I will not want to go to the beach.

How I view others determines how I treat them.

This beach view example applies to people as well. How I view others determines how I interact with them. If I believe children are generally undisciplined and a nuisance, I will not want to be around them. I may get angry if required to be around them. If I view people who are different than me as threatening, I will fear them. This would lead to avoidance and potentially even violence in some cases. If I view my wife as someone who is supposed to make me happy, there will be many times that I am angry with her for not accomplishing what I believe to be her sole reason for existing.

My view of God determines everything I do and feel.

Like the dumpster view from the hotel room at the beach, if I only have images of my Heavenly Father that stink, I will have no desire to go to Him. And it is so easy to accumulate false images of Him as we are bombarded with difficult struggles throughout our lives. We tend to apply all the negatives to His name. We often fail to turn our beach chair around and face the beautiful truth of who He really is.

We are loved even when we do not feel lovable.

The personal view we choose to take matters. To say it another way, our perspective matters. When there is a change in how I view others, my actions towards them changes. But where our views can change, God’s does not. He is Who He is. His love for us does not change, even if our perspective on how lovable we are does. Whether we choose to abide in that love determines whether we enjoy the benefits of that unconditional love He has for us. Living in His Grace flies against everything in us. We want to earn love and acceptance, so we measure how much we are loved by how good we perform. We also measure it by how we feel at the time. Since I can plainly see that my performance is poor much of the time, the emotions of guilt and fear follow suit, which leads to a cycle centered on the perceived absence of His love…even though it is there! As I make a decision to open myself up to what the beach is REALLY all about and turn my beach chair around, I begin to experience the reality of how much I love it. Likewise, as I call into question and surrender my false views of myself, others, and especially God, I am able to embrace the reality of grace, love, and joy I have been missing.

After listening to a very cool discussion this morning, I have been pondering a difficult struggle that I have had, off and on, for many years. Prayer, in many ways, has been a profound mystery to me. In a way, I believe this has been good to wrestle with. I am usually in much worse shape whenever I believe I have something figured out. The struggle I have had with talking intimately with God has forced me to dive deeper into how I communicate with Him and what He is saying to me.

Prayer can easily become “just a list”.

Prayer so easily becomes an obligation, like a blessing before a meal or one of the structured public prayers during a worship service. Prayer can also become just something we do when we need something. Trusting two or three friends with our prayers can help avoid this. In a larger group, it is merely impossible to deeply engage what is on the heart of each person. Among two or three trusted friends, conversation can take place. This conversation is more likely to spur true conversation with God about our heart’s desires. Essentially, it becomes less about “will you do this for me God?” and more about “God, what are you doing in this?”.

Trusting God for a deserved outcome is not the same thing as trusting God.

I have found myself, many times in my life, saying “I am trusting God for it”. “It” is an outcome that I would have liked. “It” may have been getting a job I wanted, getting a grade I wanted in school, getting me somewhere safely, or a person I cared about being healed. It is easy to become more focused on what I want than on trusting the One I am praying to. When I “trust God FOR something”, I am not truly trusting Him. My attention is more focused on getting a desired outcome than trusting Him no matter what the outcome is. At times like that, I have noticed the tendency to repeat the prayer as many times as possible. I will also get others to pray for the same thing. The truth is, God is not keeping score with our prayers. The number of them is not the point. When we are concerned about the quantity of our prayers, we are likely trusting more in the outcome than the One we are praying to. God can hear and respond to one heart-felt prayer just as much as He can ten-thousand of them.

Prayer is not pointless.

Prayer does provoke change. However, there have been many points in my life where I have believed it to be pointless. “God will do whatever His Will is anyway!”, I would think to myself. There have been two reasons for this way of thinking. One, there have been times that I was frustrated with God for not doing what I wanted Him to do. Two, there have been times that, in an effort to try to give up what I wanted and “settle” for His plan, I ceased to see the point in praying at all. I might think, “Why pray if I need to let go of asking Him for what I want?” The same problem is present in both cases. In viewing prayer simply as a means to ask God for things, I wind up 1) angry or 2) in a state of passivity as I try to accept whatever fate He chooses to dish out. At times like this, I have lost sight of what prayer truly is. Prayer is so much more than asking God for things, thanking Him for stuff, or fulfilling the obligation of a blessing before a meal.

Prayer is all about relationship.

Prayer is ongoing. Prayer fluctuates and changes for us as we grow in our relationship with God. Prayer often changes more in us than it does things outside of us. Sometimes we beg. Sometimes we yell in anger. Sometimes we stop praying because we falsely assume it is unnecessary. The most awesome, peaceful, rewarding times of prayer, for me, have been when my attitude has been something like this: “God, whatever it is that you do is good. I trust that. I want to be a part of it”. At those times, prayer becomes more about listening. I desire the truth more than what I want in the moment. I desire HIM to a greater degree. Sometimes what I want and His Will are one in the same. Many times, they turn out to be very different. Regardless, there is a peace when I allow Him to take the lead in the dance.

Christmas is a time of year that most of us view as a time for excitement, happiness, and peace. Of course, it is a time we can meditate on the birth of Christ and all that it means. For many of us, it is also time of high expectations. It is very difficult to avoid the unrealistic images all around us, and even in our own minds, of what this time of year should look like.

Big expectations can lead to big let-downs.

High expectations can get us into trouble. When we set goals in our lives that are impossible to attain, we wind up disappointed. During the Holiday Season, most of us are prone to set goals for enjoyable time with family and friends, smiles on everyone’s faces, and other satisfying experiences. The likelihood of our overly optimistic hopes and dreams being fulfilled is low, if not impossible. When we expect them to pan out as we plan, and they do not, we become anxious, angry, or even depressed. And for some of us (like those of us who have experienced tremendous loss), the idea of an emotionally rewarding time during any holiday seems like a cruel joke. By the time New Year’s has rolled on by, some of us are feeling the full weight of the unmet expectations of Christmas, while the rest of us are just glad that time of year is over!

Expectations are often invisible to us.

Many times, we do not even notice that we have expectations. This leads to the aftermath of them sneaking up on us. If we are looking for evidence that we have set expectations, the fact that we are disappointed at times proves that we have them. We cannot be disappointed if we had no expectations to begin with. Acknowledging that we have them, even when we do not see them, is a good start towards adjusting them if necessary.

Expectations are not always a bad thing.

It may appear that I am beating up on the idea of having any expectations, so let me step back and say that some expectations are healthy. The key is to set goals that are reasonable and attainable. Goals like that are helpful and motivational. A very helpful step we can take in this process is to look out for expectations that require someone or something else to do something before my goal can be met. If we rely on people and things that are out of our control, we are setting ourselves up for potential failure. For instance, if I rely on others to do something to make me happy, there is always the chance that, no matter what I do, others will not comply with what I want. Essentially, in those cases, I have set goals that are beyond my ability to work towards and accomplish.

Make a resolution for a step of faith towards healthy expectations and freedom. 

As the New Year is upon us, we all hear of the resolutions many people are making. Admittedly, I cannot remember ever making a New Year’s Resolution. They annoy me, quite frankly. I guess my uncanny ability to make unrealistic goals and expectations has left me cynical to the idea. But today, I am going to suggest something not only to those reading this, but to myself as well. It is to make a resolution to take a step of faith. In my case, this step will be towards letting go of unhealthy expectations as I detect them in my life. The temptation will be to hold onto them, or to “adjust them”, hopelessly aiming at moving targets that never satisfy me. Letting go of them will be like letting go of a security blanket because I have relied on them to have a sense of control. But in reality, when I choose to let them go, it is more like cutting off heavy chains.

This resolution is ultimately a reminder to rely on the One who truly has the power to meet my needs. Letting go of unrealistic expectations is an act of surrendering my efforts to meet my own needs and wants, and trusting Him to provide in fulfilling ways that I could not have planned out myself. This step may lead to new traditions, new ideas, new friendships, and new paths that I desperately need and would not have found otherwise.

In my role as a counselor, I share a lot about myself. For the counseling office to be a safe place to open up and deal with difficult issues, it is important for it NOT to be a one-way street in which I get to know the client, but the client does not get to know me. I find that God is doing work in everyone involved in the counseling relationship, and that includes me. He works in and through the sharing of personal experiences from both sides of the room.

It is a relief to find out others do not have it all together.

Many of us work hard every day to look like everything is okay. We do not want others to catch a glimpse of anything that might suggest we are NOT okay. I have found that many of my clients are surprised by the fact that I have issues. This tells me that I must often display to others that I have it together when I really do not. It is a sobering moment for me when I see that shocked look on a person’s face as I share one of my personal struggles. Frequently, after some time of getting to know me, others tell me they were shocked when I opened up. However, they were also relieved.

Trying hard to look like Jesus does not work for me.

We tend to believe that it is better for others to believe we are okay. The standard response to “How are you?” is always something like “I’m okay” or “Just fine”. As Christians, we often think we must look as much like Jesus as possible, so we strive hard to look okay. However, this type of approach always comes up short. We wind up faking it more than actually living it. Although a positive outlook and encouragement are important, faking those things is detrimental. It presents a false perception of things. It actually discourages not only others, but ourselves as well. We wind up constantly comparing ourselves to the illusion we have created and are trying to sell to others.

When I allow myself to look like I need Jesus, I become more like Him.

Following Jesus is an awesome, but difficult, journey. Often, I have found myself striving hard to look like Him. It is exhausting, and I fail miserably every single time. I feel guilty and want to just give up. Perhaps the best approach is not just trying to constantly be like Him, which leads to me measuring my worth by how well I perform. Jesus never hid the fact that He needed His relationship with God. He depended on Him fully, trusting Him constantly. Maybe it should not be quite so different for us. Instead of working hard in my own strength to have it all together and be like Jesus, it is more about living in the freedom of knowing I need Him and not trying to hide it. This beautiful example of surrendering to God is a good foundation for living in His Grace, trusting Him to work in and through me, and finding true peace. Admitting I’m not okay is a tremendous step of faith. And the unbelievable surprise is, when I let go of self-effort to be like Him and trust Him to do His work in me, I begin to see evidence of being more like Him.

In the medical world, there seems to be two vastly different approaches to treating patients (if there are more I have missed, please forgive me). One is focused on simply making the patient feel better as quickly as possible. This approach targets the symptoms that are bothering the patient and attempts to alleviate them. The other approach also focuses on making the patient better. However, the target of this approach is identifying and treating the underlying cause of the symptoms of which the patient is complaining. In our day-to-day lives, we are faced with many personal and relational struggles. We can choose either one of these two approaches in how we deal with those issues.

We typically want a quick-fix to any problem we are struggling with.

I do not know of anyone who honestly wants to take a difficult path when an easier one is also an option. When faced with pain, suffering, loss, a difficult decision, rejection, or unfair circumstances, we’d much rather press the “Easy Button” that was seen on commercials a while ago than to sort through all that’s involved. To allude to the medical example presented previously, when I am in pain, I’d much rather rely on the pain meds than to go through exploratory surgery that most likely would lead to months of recovery.

Band-Aids come in all shapes and sizes.

The quick fixes, or “Band-Aids”, we use in life struggles are numerous. They seemingly take care of the immediate symptoms that bug us. They temporarily cover up the wounds we have. Here are just some of my favorites:

1) Avoid the issue with others. Change the subject in conversation. Get angry at someone who brings it up and pull away. Surround yourself with people who have no clue what is really going on. Basically do whatever it takes to avoid the existence of a problem.

2) Numb yourself. Drink too much. Eat too much. Shut down emotionally in any way possible. In others words, find a way to dull any sense of pain, guilt, or other negative emotions associated with the problem.

3) Busy myself with many things. This one is exhausting, but effective enough in the short run to be tempting. By doing a lot of “stuff”, the problem is pushed into a corner somewhere.

4) Run away. This one may seem a bit extreme. However, it can become a seemingly viable option when the problem becomes more and more difficult to avoid. Running away may be moving to a new location, quitting a job, leaving a spouse, or a host of other ways to put physical distance between ourselves and anything that threatens to force the issue.

Snatching a Band-Aid off hurts!

We have all had to wear a Band-Aid at some point, so we all know that it stings to pull it off. With the Band-Aids (quick fixes) we use for life struggles, it is no different. When we choose to quit avoiding the issue and face it, it often hurts. It requires a lot out of us to toss aside the coping mechanisms such as numbing ourselves and busyness. However, it is the only way to quit targeting the symptoms and begin targeting the underlying cause, which will most likely NOT be a quick fix.

Choosing to remove a Band-Aid is a step of faith.

Facing issues we have purposely been avoiding will be a challenge. Obviously, there are reasons we have been avoiding them. For one, fear is always involved. If it were easy, we would have already done it. Regardless of the issue, there is always a common thread. Surrender. We must surrender control when choosing to stand firm instead of running away, committing to do what it takes to remove the things we numb ourselves with, choosing to be still instead of continuing to be busy, and facing people that may say things we do not want to hear. Surrendering control and trusting God go hand in hand. Giving up our Band-Aids is like targeting or opening up a wound and saying, “Okay Father. I give up.  No more covering this mess up.  Take over here. Do what you need to do to heal me…really heal me”.