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Recently, Melissa and I had what many of us Christians refer to as a “disagreement”. For those of us that are in the mood to be more honest…Melissa and I had an argument. This one was short-lived, and there is a good reason for it not going on longer…which I will get to later in this post. But, for now, here’s the story…

We were away for the weekend. We had planned to have pancakes for breakfast before we left our home on Friday night. However, on Saturday morning, Melissa realized that she had forgotten to pack them. Concerned that I would be disappointed, she called me away from the others to tell me. When I realized she was so concerned about my reaction about something as unimportant as not having pancakes, I reacted with defensiveness. She, in turn, reacted to my defensiveness with her own defensiveness. I perceived our mannerisms as being animated enough that others would know we were arguing, so I angrily asked her to meet me in one of the rooms for a talk.

There was so much going on in those moments, that I will not cover it all here. However, here are some of the key underlying issues that were behind our reactions (emotional and behavioral):

1. I am prone to using routine and plans to counter my insecurity. In other words, I seek to feel safe in having everything planned out and not accepting things failing to go according to plans.
2. Melissa knows this all too well.
3. Melissa wants me to feel okay and be pleased with what she does.
4. Melissa is often tempted to plan so that I will not feel the insecurity that I have often felt and tried to avoid.
5. Melissa’s plan failed.
6. Melissa tried to contain the situation and prevent me from getting anxious or disappointed.
7. I realized my insecurity (shame) was very visible not only to her, but possibly to others as well. And it was being seen in something as trivial as a plan to have pancakes for breakfast!
8. I reacted defensively, trying to hide my shame.
9. She acted defensively, trying to hide her shame as well.

Conflict is a certainty.

Many of you might be saying, “My my my, Neil. You have issues.” Yep, you are absolutely right! And my issues show up in the big AND small things. The above example is one of the small things. Melissa and I could have swept it under the rug, but it would just fester and show up elsewhere eventually. Sometimes, we go that route. It’s not recommended.

One thing is for sure, our issues show up in our relationships often in the form of outward conflict. There’s inner conflict as well, but for now I am going to stick with the outward kind. It occurs in every kind of relationship and situation we encounter in life. Conflict shows up in local churches, with coworkers, with family members, and in the kitchen while making supper (Melissa and I know this one from multiple personal experiences). Most of us do not care for conflict. Some of us would rather avoid it at all costs. However, conflict is something that is often viewed incorrectly. We often believe things about it that are simply not true.

We falsely believe that conflict should not happen.

We tend to feel bad when conflict occurs in our relationships with others, as if it is a sign that something is really bad wrong. The truth is this: conflict isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. Actually, in healthy relationships, it SHOULD happen. If it never happens, we are most likely not being honest with each other. True unity is something that occurs when conflict is welcome so that true resolutions can be sought and achieved.

We falsely believe that we should work hard to stop conflict from happening.

We are fighting to swim upstream when we try to prevent conflict. While we think we are seeking “peace”, it is actually false peace that we wind up with. The conflict is still there, but kept under wraps…growing and mutating into things like bitterness and resentment. We can dam it up all we want, but eventually the dam will break! When we focus only on preventing conflict, we fail to focus on honesty and openness that leads to healthier relationships.

Conflict does not destroy relationships.

The biggest misunderstanding about conflict may be that it is often viewed as the culprit behind failed relationships. While conflict is an indicator of underlying issues, it is not THE underlying issue in and of itself. It never is. The key to unlocking the hidden problems behind conflict, and preventing failed relationships, is this: humility. Lack of humility destroys relationships because without it, nothing gets resolved. With it, we are able to be honest about ourselves and own our part in the conflict. God works in and through humility in miraculous ways. In the example of Melissa and me above, humility might look like this for me:

1. I actively trust God when He tells me I am not the messed up person I often think I am. The good news of Jesus tells me I am a new creation. My shame (insecurity) no longer defines me.
2. This reality (the truth) gives me the courage to be real with Melissa, instead of angry and defensive. I no longer have to hide my shame.
3. I openly admit to my part in the conflict, fully understanding that it does not define me. I acknowledge to myself and to her how my insecurity and attempts to cover it up lead to frustration, defensiveness, and hurt.

Humility does not happen without trust. The first good example of this many of us know about is when we came to trust Jesus for the first time. We knew we could not fix ourselves. What we did was humble ourselves by acknowledging our need for something outside of us. God’s love and grace washed over us and changed us. A huge part of faith is trusting that I am now who God says I am, even when I have not acted according to my new identity. This trust in Him gives the power to be humble. Self effort never does that! Another way to view humility is this: trusting others with who I really am. This allows us to be open and honest about our issues and mistakes. Not only does this process save relationships, it makes them significantly stronger.

-Neil

For more on humility and living out of your true identity…I encourage you to pick up the book “The Cure” by John Lynch, Bill Thrall, and Bruce McNicol.

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How many of you, as a child, had a preferred parent to go to when you wanted something? Many of us have asked our mother for something, hoping she would convince our father, or we have asked our father, hoping he could get our mother to agree to it. And now, as parents, many of us know the other side of that game as our own children pull similar stunts. We might even use this to our advantage, like in a lecture scenario, as one parent prefers to be the “good guy”, while the other settles for the “bad guy” role. As an adult, I have witnessed good cop, bad cop interactions outside the home as well. In order to manipulate others, those in authority can use this approach to convince you to behave a certain way. After you get reprimanded and perhaps even threatened, the other guy swoops in and calms the storm. At that point, you are ready to give in just to get the bad cop to shut up.

Manipulation is never a good thing.

While these approaches might seem to produce results that we want, they are not healthy. Manipulation, while it might serve as a road to changing someone else’s behaviors temporarily, is never a road to love and trust. Therefore, it never helps to develop healthy relationships.

There is a tendency amongst Believers to view Jesus and God as if they are playing the good cop, bad cop game with us.

Unfortunately, since we are prone to using and experiencing this good cop, bad cop mentality with each other, we tend to view God as using it as well. Since, in the Bible, Jesus seems so “nice” and loving, we assume He must be the “good cop”. Then, since we know the stories from the Old Testament (cities being destroyed, plagues, etc.), we assume God the Father to be the “bad cop”.  Of course, we probably wouldn’t say this out loud, because it sounds just plain wrong to call God a “bad” anything. I think part of this may be due to misunderstanding the relationship between Christ and God when it comes to us and our sin issues. Scriptures say we have an advocate in Jesus. Due to our trust in Christ our sins no longer define us. However, certain passages are often misused to depict Jesus as having to go to God to convince Him to not destroy us each and every time we sin…as if God is saying, “Well, Jesus, since you are taking up for him, then I won’t fry him this time”. This is not what is happening. God does not play manipulative games with us.

God and Jesus are on the same side. They both love us…eternally and unconditionally.

Read this passage from John:

²⁵ “I have said these things to you in figures of speech. The hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figures of speech but will tell you plainly about the Father. ²⁶ In that day you will ask in my name, and I do not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf; ²⁷ for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.²⁸ I came from the Father and have come into the world, and now I am leaving the world and going to the Father.” – John 16:25-28, ESV, emphasis added

Jesus is telling us something important here. According to Verse 26-27, we do not have to beg Jesus to turn to our Heavenly Father and convince Him to be okay with us every time we mess up. In fact, Jesus is telling us that God already loves us because we trusted in Him. This trust has led to us having a new identity. We are loved! Yes, Jesus is our advocate, and the job is already done. It’s not an ongoing task that Jesus has to keep up with in order for God to continuously be convinced not to give up on us. The truth is this: God, Himself, by His grace sent Jesus to make a way for us to be in a relationship with Him. It was His plan, along with Christ, all along. God is not the bad cop, ready to yell at us, while Jesus plays the good cop and coerces Him to calm down. They’re in this together, as One. God excitedly and eagerly granted us righteousness when we trusted in His grace made available through Christ.

God has given us a new identity and has no need for us to convince Him of anything.

Although we still need confession and repentance (these are gifts from God) as a means to free us up from the guilt of doing wrong, we do not need Jesus to convince God to save us over and over again from our Father’s wrath. That’s already a done deal. Even when we do not behave according to our new identity, nothing changes what He has done in us. We are who He says we are now: saints, loved, forgiven, righteous, accepted, significant, able to love others, and secure just to name a few descriptions He has for us in Scripture. A tremendous part of trusting Him is trusting who He now says we are, so that He does the work in us rather than us striving to do it ourselves. And miraculously, when we trust Him we discover that we are not sinless, but we do sin less.

-Neil

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I have a family member who has claustrophobia. For those of you who may not know, claustrophobia is a fear of being enclosed in a small space or room and having no escape. He has a pretty strong case of it and has mentioned it several times over the years. He has quite a few funny stories to tell about it, so he doesn’t really let it get to him too much. Instead, as much as he can, he has fun with it.

He has a cat named Bud. Bud goes everywhere he goes. Bud, being a cat, cannot help with chores but so much, but he hangs out with him. Occasionally, something comes up on the to-do list that involves going under the house. Now, if there ever was a place that could trigger a claustrophobic reaction every time, the space underneath a house is it. As much as he doesn’t like to do it, it must be done. Therefore, he and Bud set out together to tackle whatever needs to be done under the house. Surprisingly, the anxiety does not get out of control. Having Bud there…well, it helps somehow. Now, just to reiterate, Bud is a cat. He is a faithful companion, but there is not much he could do if the house started collapsing or some other major problem came up. In other words, Bud probably will not change the circumstances if something were to go wrong. Perhaps Bud could run for help, and he probably would, but beyond that…what power does this beloved pet have to help calm his caretaker’s fear?

Being strong and courageous is not something we can do alone.

In Joshua 1:1-9, God encourages Joshua to “be strong and courageous” numerous times. I would tell you how many, but I really do not feel like counting right now. Needless to say, it is several…enough to get the point across. Instead, I want to point out the last verse: “Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9, ESV).

After telling Joshua multiple times how important it was for him to be strong and courageous, God sums it up with what would fuel that strength and courage. God would be there with Joshua. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. God would be right there beside him no matter what the circumstances. Even if God’s plan was not to change the circumstances, He would still be with Joshua, providing him with all that he needed.

God was not asking Joshua to muster up strength and courage on his own. God was telling Joshua that He would provide the strength and courage abundantly. God would do this through the promise that Joshua would never be alone. God would be there wherever Joshua would go. Joshua needed only to trust Him every step of the way.

God does not want us to rely on ourselves…ever.

Just like with Joshua, God does not ask us to manifest strength and courage through self-effort either. Instead, our Father promises to provide us with what we need to face our fears. One of the foundational truths about God that makes it possible for us to have security in the presence of scary things is this: we are never alone. Having someone with you when you face a fear makes a huge difference. The family member I mentioned earlier knows this from experience. While Bud does not have the power to change circumstances, he is able to provide his friend with strength and courage by choosing to be right there beside him in the midst of scary situations. This man knows he is not alone, and that does something in him that leads to going under the house and doing the work that needs to be done. While God’s love, strength, and courage is being supplied through one of his feline creations with my family member, it is often supplied to us through each other. We need only to trust Him and then allow others He sends our way to love us and be there for us.

Trusting leads to living it, and living it leads to sharing it.  

As we learn to trust God when it comes to His promise that He will be with us always, we begin to experience it in our everyday lives. As we experience the reality of God’s presence, in the big and small things, we can begin to love others by sharing it with them too. Every one of us has felt alone. Despite the truth that God has shared, our circumstances, feelings, and past experiences tell us something different. We do not have to fear the fact that we do not know what to do for someone when they are scared and hurting. We cannot and do not have to try to fix it for them. Instead, we may step into their lives and simply “be there” with them…similar to how Bud hangs out with his friend in the dark space under the house.

 

There’s somewhat of a joke in my family that “McLamb’s just don’t have any patience”. I cannot speak for the rest of us, but I have found it to be true often for this McLamb. I’m sure those who know me can attest to witnessing an episode of impatience on my part. Driving down the road, I sometimes find myself agitated by the person that pulls out in front of me and then seems to have all the time in the world to make their way into town…while I am looking every opportunity to hopefully make a run for it and pass them. When helping to train a coworker, I may be tempted to just take over and do the task myself. Even when my phone is dragging while loading an app, I sometimes find myself wanting to throw it.

Impatience can mean we have control issues.  

I cannot go as far as to say this is true for everyone, but for me, it absolutely is. My lack of patience is a control issue. In the mornings, on the way to work, I have mentally begun planning my day. Part of that plan includes being at work at a certain time. Getting behind someone who is driving slow thwarts my goal. As ridiculous as it may sound (and honestly, it does sound ridiculous as I type this out), in a sense I have lost control over my day.

Impatience with small things means control issues with bigger, more important things.

Like I stated above, the particular example of getting behind someone driving slow is really no big deal in and of itself. There’s much more important things to concern ourselves with than something like that. Right? Well, not exactly. The truth is, if we find ourselves struggling with small things (in this case, seemingly unimportant indications of control issues), then there is no doubt we are and will continue to struggle with the same heart issue with other things…much larger and important things. And I’m not just talking about losing our cool with tasks or jobs we need to complete. This kind of heart issue can do damage to us relationally and emotionally as well.

God swoops in at the right time, taps us on the shoulder, and says, “Listen, isn’t it time we took a look at this?”

Recently, I was on my way back to work after lunch. I cut through a parking lot, thinking it would save me some time. Guess what. My maneuver to control the situation didn’t work. I got behind a couple of people that were really enjoying the scenery instead of hurrying up and turning at the traffic light. It turned red before it was my turn. I felt the swift flush of frustration, but then something else. I asked myself, “Why in the world does this matter so much to me?” I’m not saying God audibly answered me, but it was as if He said back to me, “Because there’s something poisonous inside of you that is causing you to overreact to things like this son. I’m ready to work on this with you, if you are.”

Fear is always at the root of a control issue.

Fear is a pain in the rear. Anytime there is a control issue that we are struggling with, fear is the culprit. We use techniques to try to control things so that our greatest fears are not realized. We may hide in the back and avoid eye contact at a meeting so that we do not have to speak in front of people out of a fear of looking stupid. We may try hard to impress others because of our fear of being rejected. Or…we may try to force our day (and everything and everyone in it) to adapt to our schedule and what we want it to be so that there are no surprises. Many of us often turn to routines and strict regimens as a sense of false security when dealing with fears such as “fear of the unknown”.

Small steps of faith lead to big steps of faith.

I felt God strongly leading me trust Him sitting at the stoplight. Trusting Him with something that seemed so small and insignificant kind of made me chuckle. However, I have seen enough of this stuff now in my relationship with Him to know that nothing is insignificant when it comes to trusting Him. No matter how small a step of faith may be, it’s HUGE in the grand scheme of things. Walking by faith doesn’t always mean traveling to third world countries to feed the hungry and share the gospel (although it definitely can). Trusting our Father does not necessarily have to translate to things like giving large sums of hard-earned money to someone in need, sharing your testimony in front of a large crowd, or getting your kids to church every time the doors are open. Actually, it can be much more about the little day-to-day interactions and decisions we make. In my case recently, it was about staying behind people I had considered slowpokes instead of zooming by them. It was about ceasing all the extra brain power I was putting into finding ways to make my day more “efficient”.

And then, I suspect, as I trust Him more than my own efforts to force my days to be as I want them to be, I will experience more of Him in my surroundings, what I do, and the people I encounter. I will also experience freedom from the stress of trying to be in control of everything, which is the kind of stress that leads to frustration, anger, anxiety, and potentially even depression. What a gift God gives when He invites us to trust Him! He wants nothing more than for us to rest in His love, even if it starts while choosing to stay behind someone going 35 mph in a 55mph zone.

 

***Please check back soon for a follow-up post on this topic by a special guest blogger.***

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In my last post on “no-see-ums” (click here to read it), I shared how hidden issues in our lives lead to problems in our relationships with each other. Today, I want to explore the disruptive emotions and physical ailments that can pop up in our lives due to the same unresolved matters.

The masked core issues that cause us so many problems always relate back to shame in some way, shape, or form. Shame is a sneaky adversary. It’s practically invisible, for the most part. If not for the symptoms that show up due to the damage it does in us, we would never have a chance to see it. Shame manifests in us when we do something wrong and/or when something wrong is done to us. In other words, the hurt and guilt in our lives transforms into shame.

“No-see-ums” showed up in the story of King Saul.

Before a man named Saul became king of the Israelites, he was tracked down by the prophet at the time named Samuel. God had guided Samuel to locate the man who would be king, and then conveyed the message to Saul. When Saul realized what was happening, he was shocked. Saul told Samuel, “But I’m only a Benjaminite, from the smallest of Israel’s tribes, and from the most insignificant clan in the tribe at that. Why are you talking to me like this?” (1 Samuel 9:21, The Message). Saul would not accept the fact that God had chosen him to be king because of his own view of himself. The shame he carried related a lot to his family and their perceived ranking amongst the rest of the nation.

Due to his shame, Saul suffered emotionally in two ways that are well documented in the book of 1 Samuel. One emotion that showed up was debilitating anxiety. When Samuel planned to announce to the people that Saul was God’s chosen king to reign over them, Saul hid himself from the crowd. Several men had to find him and pull him up on stage. Later in life, 1 Samuel tells how Saul suffered from anxiety to the point that only soothing music from a harp could calm him down…although it was only a temporary fix (1 Samuel 16:23).

Another troubling emotion that showed up in Saul’s life was anger. This was no small amount of frustration. No…Saul was so angry at times that he was homicidal. He wanted to hunt down David and kill him when Saul perceived that the people liked David more than him.

Both of these emotions can be tied back to King Saul’s shame. He viewed himself as having very little value, if any. This self-view was in direct opposition to how God viewed him, because God chose him to be king. However, Saul never seemed to show signs of trusting God when it came to this foundational issue in his life. Instead, he sought ways to hide his shame. One way he did this was through seeking the approval of others. The uncertainty of that led to much anxiety. It also led to anger when others seemed to like someone else more than him.

No-see-ums torment our minds, emotions, and even our bodies.

King Saul was literally tormented by his mind and emotions. Unfortunately for him (and others around him that suffered from his detrimental behaviors), there is no evidence in his story that he ever addressed the underlying issue of shame in his life. Instead, he persistently tried to control his situations and others with the hopes that his perceived identity would be hidden from others…and himself. Emotional turmoil like what Saul encountered will eventually lead to physical issues as well. Stomach aches, insomnia, headaches, and dizziness are just a few of the problems that may arise in our bodies over time. The truth is, shame disrupts our lives in a multitude of ways: relationally, emotionally, and physically. None of us can overcome the shame with which we suffer through our own efforts. We need certain gifts from God to do it.

We must recognize emotions as signs that something is going on inside of us.

It is very tempting to handle our emotions the way King Saul did. It seems easier to try to hide them, or simply react to them, without asking what in the world is going on inside of us that is leading to them. Embracing the fact that emotions are like warning lights on the dashboard of our cars will get us moving down the right path. The follow-up to that step is owning the fact that we may have unresolved shame issues that must be dealt with.

Using insecticides to kill no-see-ums.

Getting to the root of the problem requires trust. We must take a step of faith in order to really make headway towards our issues with shame being resolved. King Saul chose to rely on his own efforts in dealing with his problems. There is no evidence in the Bible that King Saul humbled himself, looked to God’s forgiveness to handle his guilt, or embraced God’s love and acceptance to squash his low self-esteem and craving for the acceptance of others to somehow make him feel better. The willingness to humble ourselves, to be authentic, to share our hurts, to confess our wrongs without blame or excuse…those are some hefty doses of insecticides when it comes to attacking no-see-ums (shame).

Receiving grace as a means to obliterate shame and it’s terrible effects.

Several weeks ago, my stomach was in knots. I was having difficulty sleeping through the night. Little things were igniting frustration and, in some cases, angry outbursts. Looking deeper, I noticed I had fallen back on my old view of myself: the shame from my past that tends to sneak its way back in when I have my guard down. I was pushing myself, too hard, in efforts to overcome the shame and its ill-effects…so much that it was all breaking me down relationally, emotionally, and physically. I needed to humble myself, I needed to revert back to being genuine and honest with myself (and others), and I needed to own any damage I had done in the process. But before all of that, I needed the one thing that gives us the power to do those things. I needed to open myself up to my Father’s love and grace. When I perceive the truth that, in Christ, I am loved, accepted, forgiven, and secure without a need to impress God or anyone, then and only then can I have the courage to risk stepping out of the dark mess I’ve made and into the light. It’s a breath of fresh air that begins to cleanse how I relate to others, how I think, and how I feel.

 

 

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Two weekends ago, my wife and I met some awesome new friends. We drove down to Saint Simons Island, Georgia to attend a conference entitled “The Cure Experience”. We discussed it on our way, and neither of us really knew what to expect. It’s hard to explain, but for quite a while she and I have been sensing a deep-rooted desire for something more in life. We had known about these guys (John Lynch, Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and David Pinkerton) from the ministry “Trueface” for years. In short, we have been drawn to their focus on the Gospel of Grace and the freedom we can experience to be real with God and others. We’d read their books and enjoyed listening to their podcasts. But could these guys REALLY be as authentic as they seemed? We were going to find out.

The first night there, we headed to a “meet and greet” with the hosts, the guys from Trueface, and many of the ones who were there for the conference. Being the introverts that we are, it was rather uncomfortable at first. We just needed to warm up, so we began talking with different ones in the crowd. Eventually, we wound up chatting with a couple of the Trueface guys. David introduced me to one of the hosts, Stephen, who is a counselor like myself, and we began our own side conversation as my wife continued talking with David. Later, Melissa made the comment that she was amazed at the questions David asked her. She realized a few minutes into the conversation that he actually wanted to get to know her. He wanted to know the what’s and the why’s to many things about her. There was a sincerity as he shared freely about himself as well.

That was just the beginning. As we sat through the conference throughout the following day, these guys shared what it is like to live in relationships with each other that are authentic. While there are many things I would love to share here, one thing in particular has been something that has reverberated every day since that weekend. An overpowering theme kept revealing itself to me over the course of each of our sessions. Bill made a comment that summarizes it well…”The degree to which I trust you is the degree to which you can love me, no matter how much love you have for me.”

From what I can tell so far, I took this truth to heart more than I ever have in my life. There is so much about myself that I try to hide from others. Even those closest to me sometimes do not get to know parts of me. The tragedy is that the degree to which I hide is the degree to which I block love that others might want to give me. Others can only love me as much as I trust them to get to know the real me…good and bad.

And then…something happened that I will never forget. Upon arriving home, I succumbed to my Father’s urging. He had been nudging me all weekend, lovingly. See, there was something about me that I had never shared, not even with my wife. It was something I buried deep, in hopes that I would never have to address it with another human being. However, realizing full well that I was refusing to trust God by staying in hiding, I subsequently decided to take a leap and fully trust myself with my wife. I shared my deep, dark secret with her. I was terrified before, and definitely after as I was staring at the floor awaiting her response.

To my surprise, I was met with a kiss and a hug. There was even a smile on her face at one point. Are you kidding me? I was expecting a much more negative response…perhaps even disgust. A short while later, she revealed that she felt more love between us than she ever had. Unbelievable. God turned something I felt shame about into a trigger for me to receive even more love from Him and my wife. This happened once I was willing to trust myself with someone. I essentially let her give me the love she already had for me. What a wonderful reflection of God’s own love for us. It’s there…always. We experience it more and more as we trust Him with ourselves, regardless of how messy things get. Grace truly is amazing.

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I highly recommend picking up a copy of the new revised version of the Trueface guys’ book, The Cure.

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