Author: Melissa McLamb

One Step at a Time

I want what I want and I want it now! That is the typical mentality I have when it comes to my dreams and desires. My inclination to be this way is encouraged by the world around me. Just take a minute to stop and look around. We have so much information that we are able to quickly access at all times. Our smart phones are usually in our pockets and with just a few clicks we have what we were looking for. We can quickly shop and have things delivered to our homes within a couple of days. Grocery stores and restaurants are around every corner so when we get hungry there is always a quick solution. We tend to expect the same fast response when we dream big. And not just a fast response but a detailed response that is exactly as we had dreamed of.

We are told in Psalm 119:105 that “(God’s) word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path”. The Message translation says it like this, “By your words I can see where I’m going; they throw a beam of light on my dark path”. A lamp provides light to a small area in front of us. It gives us enough light to see where we are taking our next step. How much more intimate is a relationship with someone that promises to be with you on each step rather than with someone that just goes ahead and shows you the ending and waits for you there? God wants us to trust that He is always with us. He wants to experience each step of the journey with us. Yes, he knows the ending. He knows where we are headed. His love for us is so great and so beyond our understanding that He also knows that the relationship He desires to have with us cannot be fulfilled through Him offering instant gratification. Instead, He wants to be a light for each step we take.

-Melissa

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Grace To Be Me

I came across this picture with a quote that said: “GRACE CHANGES EVERYTHING: The secret to being enough in a do-more world.” It goes along perfectly with the theme of grace we’ve been discussing in a small group we’re participating in at Hood Memorial Church entitled Freeway. In going through this the past several weeks, my wheels have been turning. This group has been a safe place to talk through some ways in which I let shame control my life. This group has given grace and therefore freedom.

This past week, the theme for the group was on acceptance. I was not really wanting to go there. That might bring about some emotions that I’d rather keep stuffed. I don’t see myself as unique and I really don’t want to talk or think about that. But something came up that made me glad that we did venture down the path of acceptance.

I love tasks. I like to stay busy and love to do things for others. That’s the temperament God gave me. Several years ago, I began to see that instead of living out of who God made me to be, I was living out of who I thought everyone wanted me to be…the person who had it all together…the person you could depend on to get things done…the person you could call on and she would always say yes. I was burned out and when I realized it I became angry. I wrestled with it, and I started saying NO to everything! I needed a break. I think that is what I needed for a season. I needed to be still and learn who God was and who I was. But as time has gone on, I’ve realized that being a task-oriented person that loves to serve others is who I am. I’ve stifled that because I thought it was bad. It was physically affecting me. But now, not being those things is physically affecting me. It’s making me miserable and others around me wonder what is going on with me.

This past week while talking with a friend in our small group all of that came to full circle. I realized that I was unable to see that the way God made me was not a mistake. I definitely couldn’t see myself as unique. I thought I had started to see how shame controlled my life, and I thought I had developed boundaries to protect myself from letting shame speak so loudly. I realized that instead of boundaries, I had put up walls and now I was miserable. I was trying to be me so hard that I had gone to the opposite extreme. Wow! This has been very powerful for me. It’s ok for me to be me. Yes, there are certain people and groups that I need boundaries with so that I don’t get used and burned out but there is freedom to be me. There is freedom to love others the way God made me to love them.

-Melissa

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New Mercies

I love lots of different types of music. So many emotions can be expressed through music.  I like listening to the words and trying to picture what the writer is painting with the lyrics.   Depending on where I’m at on life’s journey, I get different pictures from the same song at different times.  That happened recently when I was listening to “New Today” by Alli Rogers.

New shoes in the closet, box is on the floor

Dress is laid out nicely on the bed

A song is singing slowly

Across the street and through my door

And turning over memories in my head

Nothing feels new today

I’m just trying to catch the words before they float away

They’re singing

Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness

Great is thy faithfulness

Morning by morning, morning by morning, morning by morning

Walking up the church step, I stop to look around

People seem to stare just like they know

I’m wondering what Jesus thinks about me now

Still carrying a shame I can’t let go

I have heard this song and sung along while driving numerous times, but this time I stopped at that part. I restarted the song and listened again.  That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately; covered in a shame I can’t let go.  Going through each day feeling like it’s the same old, same old thing.  Others have it figured out but I sure don’t.  Others are happy.  I’m not.  I have shame written all over me and boy does it speak loudly when I take a look in the mirror.  I see shame, I blame myself, beat myself up, and try to “fix” it or “ignore” it (which is really impossible).  I repeat this cycle over and over.  And if I’m seeing this shame then so is everyone else, including God.  So I try even harder to “fix” it, “ignore” it or just “hide”.  I’m trying to manage my sin and shame.

Then she goes on to sing….

I feel like an imposter wearing someone else’s prize

And my heart’s about to beat out of my chest

Nothing feels new today

I’m just trying to catch the words before they float away

Don’t float away, keep singing

Could you sing some mercies over me?

I am affected when all I see is shame and my inability to manage it. My relationships are affected.  I’m miserable.  I avoid intimacy with those that love me and want to be with the raw, unedited me.  I hide. I avoid people. I overeat. I am irritable and snappy.  I am tired.  That describes me pretty well recently.

My husband tells me all the time how he sees me. I have such a hard time embracing that because it is the opposite of how I see me and how I think he really sees me.  I do the same with God.  When looking through the lens of shame, we only see what that shame tells us.  Everything else just floats away.

There is freedom in God’s grace. He sings mercies over us time and time again.  He’ll continue to sing them until we embrace them.  Then he’ll start singing them again.  That’s what gets me through.  Even when I don’t embrace His love and mercy because I’m looking at the world and the mirror through the lens of shame, He’s there singing them.  And He won’t give up.  I don’t have to fix it, ignore it, or hide it.  And when I do embrace it, the freedom allows me to embrace the newness I have because of Christ.

-Melissa

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Quietly Hidden

If you had asked me if I liked being in control my response would have quickly been NO! Even my temperament says that I don’t have a desire to control myself or others. I’ve been talking with others and reading some stuff recently that God has used to open my eyes to ways I do control.

I am reading a book with a friend titled “Grace for the Good Girl”. There’s a part in the book where the author describes a situation she encountered at a local bookstore. She watched a little girl trying to decide if she should purchase a package of pretty pencils or an activity book. Her father told her she could get one thing. She was very torn about what she should get. The author could tell that the girl really wanted the pencils but she also really wanted to do what she “should” do so she asked her father for his opinion. He told her it was her decision but he also explained that the pencils required trimming and wouldn’t last as long as the activity book. Again he said that it was her choice though. She felt that her dad wanted her to get the book. The author put herself in the little girls shoes and thought about what she would do. She decided that she probably would have gotten the activity book just to make sure her dad was pleased with her decision but deep down would’ve been sad and blamed her dad in her mind for this sadness. The author kept watching to see what happened. The little girl walked out with pencils! The author was so proud of her but it also brought out shame and guilt for how she made decisions in life.

This is a perfect example of how I “quietly hide” control. There’s a few things going on here. I don’t want any problems. I don’t want anyone upset with me or to think I am stupid, incompetent, etc. I control how they see me but inside I’m sad. And one of the biggest things…….I don’t think I’m important enough for my desires and opinions to be special or more important than someone else’s. That’s what it really boils down to. But I don’t really want that known so I just “control” how things play out. I would’ve definitely walked out with the activity book.

I’m chewing on all of this with God right now. He says that I am special. He says that I am worthy. He gives me desires. He killed my old self and made me new. That is done. That is true. I just don’t always trust in that truth. That’s when the shame creeps in and I instead start believing that I’m not enough.

The only way to recognize these lies for what they are is to know and trust in the truth. I can just keep telling myself to stop. Then that just reminds me that I’m a failure when I can’t and the cycle continues. The only thing that combats lies and darkness is truth and light. Letting God tell me truths and experiencing them little bits at the time brings in the light. I have to know the truth before I see the lies.

We are in and out of valleys. I’m not always wallowing in this. When I trust that God is delighted in me and that I am worthy then I experience Him and others in a different way. I recently had a birthday. Neil kept asking what I wanted to do and really wanted it to be all about me. I could have easily bought into the lie that I’m not worthy and chose things that I thought he wanted so he would be happy. Instead, I experienced the love he was giving me by enjoying my favorite things. I experienced God’s love for me through Neil. We both enjoyed each other. There was no hidden control. There was only freedom to love and experience love.

-Melissa

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My Food Confession

People that know me know that I have an interest in tasty and healthy real food.  I read a lot about how different foods can be used as medicine and about the different food trends of today.  I really enjoy reading about and cooking things from scratch verses buying pre-made items.  While I don’t think anything is wrong with me enjoying these things, I have an unhealthy relationship with food at times and that is something I don’t typically share with others.

There’s a few reasons why I like to keep this hidden.  One major reason is that if I’m discovered then I will look like a hypocrite.  I will look like a weak failure that doesn’t completely and always practice the things I say are important.  So, I hide my “failures”.  I sneak in my “guilty pleasures”.  Then I hide my shame and guilt for what I’ve done.  Well, I say I hide this stuff but the symptoms manifest themselves loudly and affect not only me but those around me also.

I have done different cycles of fad diets and diets where I avoided eating certain things in hopes of making myself feel better.  Some of this was a recommended trial by my doctor and some of it was just from my own advice.  Again, I’m not saying it was a bad thing for me to eliminate certain things, and I strongly believe that there are very unhealthy things in our food that I would recommend avoiding as much as possible.  I think for me though, I was not allowing myself any freedom.  Because of my rules, at times I am not even experiencing the things I enjoy. I do not always tell myself that I can avoid unhealthy ingredients as much as possible.  A lot of times it is all or nothing in my mind.  Then I fail.  I eat something from my no-no list and immediately the shame kicks in.  How could I expect to help others with healthy diet choices if I can’t do it myself?  When I “cheat”, I usually continue to “cheat” the rest of the day.  I will overeat and eat as many of my no-no foods as possible.  I mean I had already failed, right?!?!  But here’s the kicker:  I do most of my “cheating” in private.  I sneak most of it so no one sees me fail.  I feel like an imposter.

Keeping things hidden only fuels the shame and guilt.  It keeps the cycle going.  The symptoms of shame and guilt build.  Then the hidden “cheating” just grows until I’m completely miserable.  What’s next?  You guessed it, many days of not “cheating” to make up for it.  So I feel better now, right?  WRONG!  The cycle just starts again.

The only way to break the cycle is to stop the hiding and bring these things out into the light.  Usually I talk with my husband, Neil, after I feel completely miserable.  Usually he’s sensed that something is not right with me.  He has noticed that I avoid intimacy with him, weigh myself more, am very irritable and am usually complaining about my stomach hurting!  So, while I may be hiding what I am doing, I am not hiding the effects it has on me.

Not allowing things to be hidden anymore does not mean that I will never fall into this pattern again.  It does mean that I know the power to break the cycle when I do.  Not hiding actually allows me the freedom to do what I would tell others to do, “listen to your body, enjoy food & make healthy choices as much as possible, but when you can’t or don’t it’s okay to enjoy that to”.  It’s freedom…freedom to fail and freedom to experience the things I love.

-Melissa

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What Exactly is Life Coaching…and Who is it For?

I was introduced to coaching through a small group setting.  For several months we journeyed together and the process of self-discovery was life changing.  I identified some areas of my life that were keeping me stuck and I wasn’t sure what exactly to do with them.  After the small group coaching ended, I continued meeting with the coach individually.  The coach listened to me.  She asked some clarifying questions and helped me discover that one main reason I couldn’t move forward was because of a lie I was believing.  I believed that I had to keep everyone happy and content or I was failing.  It was all my responsibility.  I could not move forward because guess who was deciding if everyone was happy or not?  Me!  And do you want to guess how I always perceived their response?  You got it….I didn’t think they were happy and I never thought I did enough.  If something wasn’t exactly right I blamed myself.  Guess who really wasn’t happy?  Me!  The lies yelled at me and kept me stuck.  I was only getting more and more frustrated.  Through coaching, I was able to hear myself.  I was able to see things more clearly and therefore, move forward.  Do I still hear these lies and believe them at times?  Yes, I certainly do, but now I am able to catch them. I am able to talk through them with someone I trust and stop the cycle.

The International Coach Federation (ICF) defines coaching as “partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.”  Many times, it is looked at as counseling.  While the two things do share some similarities, they are different.  Coaching is not counseling.  In coaching, the client is in the driver’s seat and the coach is along for the ride in the passenger seat.  We look straight out the front window and have a goal in mind of where we are going.  We get to know each other well as we prepare for the journey.  We begin to trust each other as we look to see what is keeping us from starting our journey.  This may be things such as lies we are believing about ourselves or unmet needs and expectations we have.  It could also be hidden things in our lives that are keeping us stuck and in bondage.  We also prepare for obstacles we may encounter along the way.  We will have to make pit stops and refuel on this journey.

People seek out coaching because they are looking for growth and forward movement.  It may be in a physical, spiritual, relational or emotional area of your life such as (but definitely not limited to) food/diet, exercise, goal setting, career choices, or understanding self or loved one.  Coaching helps you discover what you need to go on your journey. As a Board Certified Coach, I help you create a vision for your journey and walk alongside you through it.

-Melissa

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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

I love The Sound of Music! It is full of beautiful songs that get stuck in my head quite often.  Just the other day I was getting dressed and “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria” suddenly came to my mind.  I kept singing it and wondering why in the world it was stuck in my head!  It made me want to watch the musical……again!

After singing it a few times in my mind I started thinking more about the story. Maria was a nun living in a convent.  She was very different than the other nuns.  She got “lost” in her own world quite often and this caused her to appear disobedient.  She would wonder about admiring the beauty around her and sing about it.  She smiled a lot and always seemed so happy and full of life.  Her sisters were more serious and felt that obeying all the rules was a must.  They would easily get frustrated with Maria hence the song “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria”.  Do I have you singing it in your head yet?!?!

Mother Superior knew Maria was different than the others. I am not saying that the other nuns were wrong or bad.  They fit that environment well and flourished there.  Mother Superior knew that Maria did not.   Mother Superior had a decision to make.  Would she force Maria to become like the others and obey all the rules or would she let Maria go so she could live out of who she really was?

She knew Maria would have to put on a mask and hide her true self in order to fit in there and “be solved”. She did not want that for Maria.  She wanted Maria to experience the freedom that comes from living out of who she was created to be.  She found Maria a place that she felt would allow that freedom.

At first, Maria did not see it that way. She wanted to go back to the comfort of what she knew.  She was telling herself that wearing a mask was easier than authenticity.  But something happened.  Maria began to trust the children she was caring for with herself.  She let them inside her world.  Relationships began to develop.  Trust grew and they began to let Maria inside their world.  She extended grace to them when they did everything they could to make her go away.  She comforted them when they needed it.  She listened to them and gave advice when asked.

Living out of who we are does not just mature and grow us….

Embracing the love God has for us does not just mature and grow us….

It flows out of us and we are able to experience our relationship with God through others. Mother Superior loved Maria and because of that she helped Maria see that she was perfect and loved just as she was.  She did not need to change.  She helped her embrace who she was and out of that Maria experienced freedom.

-Melissa

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Punched in the Chest!

I had been a Christian for many years when I realized I didn’t really know God…….

I was recently talking with some friends and was able to put words to this reality I had faced several years ago.  It felt like I had been punched really hard in the chest.  I didn’t know God for who He really was.  I didn’t know me for who I really was and therefore no one else really knew me either.  You talk about a mix of emotions!  This led to denial, anger, cynicism, sadness, etc.  And at times, I still deal with these emotions from this. 

I had been feeling that something wasn’t exactly right for quite some time but really didn’t want to admit it and really didn’t know what it was that wasn’t right.  Also, I struggled with what might happen if I admitted that I’ve been serving a God that I really didn’t know?  Would He nod His head and say, “Yep, she finally sees that she never was mine” or would He say “Wow, she finally sees that striving to please me is not what I’m about”? By God’s grace and mercy He showed me it was the latter. 

I had been believing that Christianity was all about doing things for God and keeping Him happy with me.  I thought the only way to keep Him happy was to do, do, do.  I would read the bible and attend church just because I was supposed to.  While neither of those things are bad, I wasn’t maturing.  I still felt that I had so far to go before I would ever get things right with God where He was pleased with me all the time.  No matter how hard I tried I would never be enough.  So, the mask came on.

More masks were applied with all the different things I tried.  As long as I looked like I had it all together and was a good Christian then that’s all that really mattered right?  Unfortunately, at times I still believe the lie that whispers I’m not enough.  Then the striving begins all over again.  But that is not what God is about.  He knows when I’m seeing Him through the lens of guilt, shame, and lies.  He continues to pour His love and grace on me and will continue to do that until I see Him for who He really is.  When I am trusting in His grace, I am no longer striving.  I mature as I begin to relax into His love.  I then begin to see who I really am and can trust others with the real me. 

I invite you to watch John Lynch with Trueface ministries tell his Two Roads talk.  This message is so powerful and opened my eyes to the grace God shows me every day.  I still catch myself performing for God and others. I’ll admit that at times it’s hard to truly believe that I don’t have to do anything to make God love me more and nothing I have done or will do can make Him love me less.  I am still wrestling with the emotions that came from this punch in the chest.  While the punch hurt, it brought freedom like I had never experienced. 

-Melissa

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Why Working on Our Sin is a Bad Idea

Romans 7 starts out with verses (verses 1-3) that I’ve only ever been taught and at times read as rules.  They are not usually put with the verses that follow (verses 4-6) and tell the beautiful story of grace in how Christ died and left us free to marry this new life through his resurrection. We are reminded several times in the chapter that we are no longer married to our old lives.  Yes, we still have flesh.  I cannot control this flesh and that’s not even what God wants from me.  He can control it and He just asks me to trust in that.

But what about all my sin?

Even though I know that only God can control my flesh, I still try to work on it myself at times.  When I’m not trusting God to control it I do one of two things: work hard to improve the things I do that I do not want to do and/or work harder on the things that I love and do want to do.  When I say it like that it does sound complicated!  Paul talks about his struggle with this throughout Romans 7.  He makes a clear distinction between the spirit and the flesh and a clear distinction between our lives before Christ and our new life after Christ.

When I try to work on my flesh I am not living out of my new identity.  I am not living as holy, righteous and free from condemnation and shame.  I am living like my sin and shame define me.  Otherwise, why would I be trying so hard to change it.  God has already changed me.  When I rest and trust in that truth then I am free from my flesh and the frustration it brings.  When I catch myself trying to work on my flesh then I will get frustrated because I can’t.  It’s not who I am anymore.

Shame no longer defines me

My shame tells me that I must have it all together.  It tells me that I need to work hard to keep others happy.  When I live out of this shame then I work myself to death and beat myself up constantly.  And at the end of the day I still don’t have it all together and someone is not happy!  So I can work harder, try a new plan and still not control this shame and flesh.  When I trust who God says I am and trust that my shame no longer defines me then my actions towards others come from love and not from striving.  That is a relationship game changer.  That is embracing God’s love.

Freedom from shame allows for maturity in my new identity

If I’m focusing on fixing my sin then I’m just focused on myself.  If I take this truth described above into my everyday life then I am free to enjoy who I really am and enjoy others. This freedom also allows me opportunity for maturity in this new life.  Constant focus on sin and behaviors will only lead to stagnation.

-Melissa

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Fellowship with God through Others

I often struggle with viewing my relationship with God as completely separate from my relationships with others and something that I have to have “right” before having a true relationship with others. God has been showing me differently. One way my relationship with God is manifested is through my relationship with others.

Sometimes I look at relationships as “work”. Mostly that happens when I’m trying to keep a mask on or a wall up around this person. That can feel like work and can lead to frustration, anger, disappointment, etc. When I have a mask on or a wall up that person cannot love me or get to know me. I cannot love them or get to know them. Usually that mask is put on because I don’t want them to see how stupid I am or how messed up I am! The wall of defensiveness comes up when that person is messing up my plans for the moment and also when I feel they are trying to control me. Our shame speaks lies to us and unfortunately I quickly latch onto those lies and live like they are true. The only result possible here is no relationship and a headache!

Entering into the same scenario with humility (trusting God and others with my true self) looks very different. What if I approach relationships accepting what is already true about me because of God’s grace? What if I didn’t let my shame tell me that I have to look like I have it all together and that I know the answer to all their questions? Experiencing a relationship without those attachments frees me to not be so focused on myself and their response to me and opens the door for authentic communication and love.

Recently I had an opportunity to talk with someone about something personal in their life. I had gathered some information that made me think they had experienced a personal tragedy at some point. I thought about talking with her and lovingly getting to know more about her and her story. At first I thought, “I don’t have time for this really. I don’t really know her so what if she gets all emotional and I’m stuck for two hours? I would be uncomfortable with that. Or what if she ask me for advice and I won’t know what to say? I’ll just look stupid. What if she asks questions about me and my story? What will I say? What if she gets mad? I’ll feel bad for bringing it up.” These are all fears that pop up because of lies I have chosen to believe about myself at times due to my shame. Instead I chose to live out of what is true about me. I chose to accept the fact that I am loved no matter what and start the conversation. We ended up having some similarities in our story and we openly talked about those things. She got to know more about me and I got to know more about her. It was a time of listening to her story and her listening to mine. That’s all. But through that simple conversation we were able to see our true selves and how our story has impacted us.

So what does this have to do with my relationship to God? 1 John 1 verses 5-7 tell us that God is the light and if we walk in the light and truth we also experience life with one another (my paraphrase). Trusting that what God has done in me is true allows me to experience those truths and freedom with others. That is fellowship with God through others.

-Melissa

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