Melissa McLamb – Page 3 – neilmclamb.com

Right Here, Right Now

“Choosing” by Alli Rogers

I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused and losing ground
Is this part of some plan?
The rise and fall of man?
I can’t be sure

When I’m away from my source of peace
Something fills that space in me
And it feels like I don’t need you

It’s easy to get by
When I don’t even try to find the truth
Today I learned that faith
Is not to be obtained like a place I can go

It’s more of a choice than a feeling
More of a wound that healing
The act of believing in you

And I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused
And losing ground

But maybe this is where I grow
When I admit that I don’t know
When belief becomes the only way to you

The above lyrics are to a song that I love. A song that speaks volumes to me. It’s written and sung by Alli Rogers and I recommend you check her out.

The song starts out saying what I say to myself quite often. I feel lost, confused and unsure what my life is supposed to look like. Sometimes I hide behind these feeling and emotions and tell myself that “it’s easier to get by when I don’t even try to find the truth”. That sounds like something I have to work at. I don’t know how to even begin doing that though.

But then there’s the line that says faith is not obtained like a place I can go. That doesn’t match my tendency to put God and faith in this far away place that I’m trying to get to. I can try and try but walking this path leads only to us “losing ground and being confused”. I can work on finding the plan God has for me and surely I’ll finally get to the point I can talk with God and He’ll be ready to help me right?

I know this is a false belief if I stop and look at God’s truth that tells me He is omnipresent and that He is loving on me right here where I’m at. Trusting in God in my present circumstances is faith. That may look like admitting I don’t know, admitting I’m confused and then choosing to trust my loving Father. It’s not the picture I’ve always had in my mind of God sitting on a throne with his arms crossed waiting for me to finally find him. It’s God standing with me as I face my confusion, my wounds, and whatever else comes my way. This is how I grow.

-Melissa

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Experiencing Love, Part 2

If you have not already, I encourage you to read my post from last week before reading this one. Last week I shared my experience with opening up about not experiencing God’s love. I knew what I believed to be true but felt like an imposter because I did not feel like I had actually experienced these truths like other people had seemed to. I was asked a couple of key questions and encouraged you to ask yourself as well. What does it look like for God to love me? What do I think it should look like?

We can begin by looking at our relationships with others. When do I receive love from my husband or others that I trust? What does that look like?

When I pondered those questions and was truly honest with myself my answer revolved around performance. I am able to receive love from my close relationships when I think they are pleased with me. I am not saying that they think this way but this is what goes on in my mind. When they are happy and enjoying what I have done for them then they can enjoy me. The moment I do something wrong I immediately think the opposite becomes true. I take their unhappiness very personal. When this happens, either I become defensive and angry or I try to fix it and immediately start apologizing. So, am I truly receiving love from them even when everyone is happy & pleased? I do not think I can if I am solely basing it on my performance and actions.

When I equate giving and experiencing love with what I do for others then I am affecting my ability to actually experience the love they have for me and to offer them the love I truly have for them.

If my relationships with others are based on my performance then I see my relationship with God the same way. The way we view and interact with others reflects the way we view and interact with God. Therefore, if we perform for love with our close relationships with people, then we do the same with God. This truth bears an answer to my question of how I seek God’s love. For much of my life, my motive was attempting to earn love. I did not realize this, but it was something I felt I had control over since it was all up to me to earn. My flesh tells me I must perform well to be loved, and I bought that lie hook, line, and sinker. The sad result of that perspective was a lack of experiencing true love. I failed more than I succeeded in feeling like I performed well. It is so much work to please so many others and God. I can only do so much, and it was never enough. I do not have the energy to flip all the switches and keep all the lights burning. The best I could experience was a love that was conditional, as it was dependent upon my performance for Him and others. Sometimes I felt okay, most of the time I did not. In recent years, I have intentionally departed from that mindset. I have found myself saying “no” to things that I used to would have said “yes” to. Separating “working for Him” from “being loved by Him” has proven to be a struggle for me. Since deep down I still often tie love to performance, I have found myself frequently missing the experience of His deep love for me.

God tells us that His love is free and unconditional. It is not at all related to what I do. His love is there because of who He is and because of who I am in Christ. Wayne Jacobsen wrote a great book entitled He Loves Me. I have read it multiple times and am finding myself going through it again as I question what it looks like for God to love me. He says “But perception is not necessarily reality. If we define God only in our limited interpretation of our own circumstances, we will never discover who He really is.” He goes on to say, “God knows how difficult it is for us to accept His love, and He teaches us with more patience than we’ve ever known”.

Father, than you for your patience. Thank you for loving us even though we cannot comprehend it. Thank you for your love that is pure, true and unconditional. Father, show us how you love us intimately and personally. Help us experience it for what it is and not for what we sometimes think it is.

-Melissa

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Experiencing Love, Part 1

Have you ever had that nagging thought that makes you question everything about yourself? You know, that thing that pops up over and over and you begin to wonder if your life is real or if it’s a charade. I have been struggling recently with this question, “Do I really believe what I say I believe?”. Different little things pop into my mind and tell me that I’m an imposter. A fake. A hypocrite. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was time to get this out. I decided to open up and talk with my husband.

I began blubbering and making no sense. Did I really want to say this aloud? I was in a safe place with someone I trusted so yes, I did want to say this out loud. I was tired of it controlling my mind.

I began explaining what I know is true. God loves me unconditionally. I have been saved by His grace and love. I do not have to earn his love and grace. It is a free gift from God. This removes striving, people pleasing, hiding, etc. I am free from the bondage of sin. I still have flesh and I still sin but it no longer defines me. I am righteous. I am Christ in Melissa McLamb. I know these things are true.

So what’s the problem? Well to be honest, I know these truths but I don’t feel like I have actually experienced these truths. I don’t have a “big story” of how I experienced it like others often seem to have. I mean, I have a story but it doesn’t seem significant or impactful. It doesn’t seem real.

I realize that I haven’t experienced my own story! That was eye opening.

Neil asked, “What does it look like for God to love you? What do you think it should look like?”. I didn’t have an answer to those questions. I had never thought about it. I had only thought about what it looked like when God loved other people, not me. I get uncomfortable when I actually think about God loving me. That’s getting very personal!

God is going to approach us from a perspective of fully knowing and understanding who we are. He is not going to force me to experience His love in an uncomfortable way. He has good intentions and He doesn’t mess up.

I encourage you to ask yourself those same questions. What does it look like for God to love you? What do you think it should look like? It is personal. It is your story. It is unique and special because you are special and loved by God.

-Melissa

What Am I Missing While I Wait?

Last week Hurricane Florence made an impactful entry into the Carolinas. All week Hurricane Florence occupied our televisions, radio, conversations and mind. I kept waiting for the storm. I felt paralyzed and like I could not do anything else but wait for the storm to get here. I was getting frustrated and anxious as I waited. It was a very long week! Then it starts.

The winds pick up. The rain beats against the windows. The trees are dancing and swaying to the beat of the storm. My waiting for the storm is over. Now I start waiting for the next thing. When will the power go out? I know it’s coming, but when? Again, I feel paralyzed. I wanted to have a cup of coffee and do some reading, but I felt like I couldn’t. Shouldn’t I go ahead and at least watch the news or a television show while I can? I felt stuck. So I just went along with I felt like I “should” be doing while I waited. I stayed busy to ensure I was ready whenever the next anticipated thing happens. After the power goes off, I can quickly move onto anticipating another unknown and unplanned variable.

While waiting, I am missing the here and now. I am not present. I am anticipating and preparing for what is to come. My mind will not rest.

This made me think about a question I was asked several years ago. I came across it not too long ago in a notebook I had written in. I was asked what my favorite bible story was. My answer was not a “story” in the sense we think of bible stories. My answer was around the thoughts of getting to heaven. Being done with the mundane, everyday living I’m having to go through now. I would finally get to a place where things were enjoyable and simple. I could be free to live and love. It would just come natural once I was there. So, I wait. I go through my days anticipating this big event. Every day that passes is a day I can check off my list. Now, I’m not saying that I hate everything about my life and that it is miserable. But a lot of times I do go through the motions of living. I do the things that must be done. And I miss a lot. I know there is more to it than this.

I enjoy reading and listening to Emily P. Freeman. She’s an author from North Carolina. In her book Simply Tuesday she discusses Luke 17:20-21. It says, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.” She poses the question “What if, heaven is simply one inch above the ground?” That means heaven is right here with us in our everyday moments! She discusses her own struggle with always looking ahead to the next thing. She says “That’s not always bad, but to be able to look ahead while also celebrating now is a delicate kind of art, to imagine what could be without discounting what is.”

This has my wheels spinning. So powerful and thought provoking. I think this is something I will be sitting with for a while. How can today’s to-do list look different if heaven is in my midst? I have a feeling it will change lots of things. God is here with me in the everyday moments whether I experience Him or not. Father, open my eyes, ears and heart to your love and grace in my everyday moments.

-Melissa

Just Being Me

I still get surprised by God’s loving grace and mercy. I work hard to get things “right” and when I take time to actually slow down and think I’m reminded of how simple experiencing life really is. I know you’re thinking, “Simple! I’m drowning every day and can’t seem to catch up!” Simple is not typically a word used to describe our daily lives and trust me when I say that I do not always believe in the simplicity either. More times than not I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off and have a to-do list a mile long!

I was recently reflecting on a sermon I heard from John Lynch (at Open Door Fellowship in Phoenix) and read from Proverbs 3 & Ecclesiastes 10. I was again reminded and surprised by God’s simple love & instruction. It all comes back to identity: knowing who I am because of God’s love and believing in that even when it doesn’t feel right. When this is happening daily life looks different. I can rest in the simple parts of my daily life. Typically, I am doing the opposite and end up trying to force myself to just make it through another day.

Proverbs 3: 1-6 (ESV) says “My (child), do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.”

God has been reminding me that living out of who we really are (who He has already made us to be) is what leads us to experiencing life. First and foremost, we have to know who we are. We have to let Him teach us and trust what He says about us. That may come in the form of affirmation from others, difficult conversations with others, scripture, or many other ways. We are loved. We are faithful. Why? Because He is love and He is faithful and we were made in His image. There’s nothing we have to do as His children to become loving and faithful. Accepting the relationship He wants with me and being His child makes me that way.

When I forget or forsake those things then I begin to lean on my own understanding. Then I begin believing that my identity and worth is only based on what I can do. I think I am nothing but a sinful person that has to try harder to keep things together, love and be good. Let the striving to attain the perfect life begin. And do you know what comes next? Frustration, anger, bitterness, broken relationships, more striving, feelings of failure, overindulgence in things as I look for what will make me feel better. These are some of my top outcomes but the list can go on and on. The cycle repeats and repeats. All of that boils down to the fact that I have forgotten who I am.

Sometimes I think I forget it because I just simply cannot believe that it is true. I do not think I am worthy enough to be made in His image or to be loved by God and others. I do not think it can really be as simple as trusting God. There has to be a catch, right? I keep looking for the string attached. There is no string. I am loved. He made me that way.

Ecclesiastes 10:10 says, “If the iron is blunt, and one does not sharpen the edge, he must use more strength, but wisdom helps one to succeed.” Verse 15 says, “The toil of a fool wearies him, for he does not know the way to the city.”

Both of these verses affirmed for me what I was describing earlier. The iron was designed to be sharp. When I try to use it differently than it’s intended purpose then I have to work a lot harder. I have to use more and more strength and completely wear myself out. Letting the iron be sharp like it was made to be allows the job to just happen without so much effort. I am being foolish when I try to be something else and when I refuse to believe who I really am. I am not only hurting myself but those around me. I am wandering around lost and afraid. I grab any remedy and rules I think will help make me better. I am unable to experience life because I am too busy trying to find it. I already have life. Embracing who I am because of Christ allows me to experience it.

God’s grace and mercy is sufficient to cover all the times we forget who we are and His love is plentiful enough to continue to remind us of the truth. . . . Even when I trust who He made me to be just a tiny, tiny amount there is such freedom and life experienced that it automatically flows from me. I’m then able to experience daily life from a different perspective.

-Melissa

The Labels That Break Our Hearts

Labels describe what we do but we tend to use them to define who we are.

How would you describe yourself? Most of us would say we are a mother or father, husband or wife, nurse, teacher, etc. We label things to define them. Giving things a label gives it a purpose. We do not just label things though. We also label ourselves and other people. Sometimes we wear those labels like a name badge. We work hard to keep the label and make the one that gave it to us very proud. The label itself is usually not a bad thing. It is twisted and turned though when it becomes our identity.

Sometimes we label ourselves and sometimes others label us. Very loving and well-meaning people in our lives put some labels on us. You become known as the person that is funny, smart, skinny, organized, stylish, etc. None of those traits are bad. Part of God’s design was for each of us to have characteristics that we could share with others through our lives.

Characteristics describe us but do not define us. When these traits become our identity, we begin to live through this identity. Our daily life revolves around keeping this identity. We have to always make someone laugh to continue to be funny. We have to study a set number of hours daily to continue to be smart. We can only eat a certain number of calories per day to continue to be skinny. We make a list of rules to follow to protect our identity.

This becomes hard work. Eventually we break. We shatter and flounder around because we cannot keep up the charade. We cannot do all that has to be done to keep our identity. We get tossed around in a sea of frustration, anger, depression, guilt, mood swings, and broken relationships. And this just names a few rocks we may hit. We typically feel ashamed of ourselves. This shame causes us to either work harder or just give up. Either way we suffer. Our relationships suffer.

Grace smooths my edges

Truth is still truth even though we do not always believe it. Even when I am believing that I am only as good as my label God is there with me and nudging me to remember that I am more than a label. He reminds me who I really am: beautiful, made new, loved, accepted, secure, righteous, holy and more. I can feel one way and the truth can be a different way. He does not push my feelings aside as if they are stupid. He acknowledges my feelings. He places others in my path that listen to me through my anger and frustration. He lovingly reminds me that what I do does not define who I am. He smooths out my rough edges as I toss around in the ocean of labels and emotions. As I become smooth, I am embracing the truth of who I am. I am a saint. I am one with Christ. I am Christ in Melissa McLamb.

-Melissa

But why?

Don’t you just love it when you tell your child to do something and they say “But why?” Sometimes that is a question we just dread hearing. Sometimes, it is a question we eagerly ask. And sometimes, it is a question we avoid asking.

“But why?” can come from a place of manipulation or curiosity

I remember questioning my parents with the “but why” question after being told do something. I had probably been told multiple times! Usually I asked this question in an attempt to prove some point about why I should not have to do what they were asking of me. I am sure they dreaded that question and knew that I was using it to push their buttons! There are other times though that I have asked the question from a truly curious perspective. I like to understand the rationale behind why I am doing something. Asking why helps me fuller understand. Once I understand (not necessarily agree, but understand) the other person’s intent then I can more easily complete the task at hand.

Asking myself “why?” does not come natural

For me, it is much easier to ask “why?” to someone else than it is to ask myself. Sometimes I just do not want to admit and face my rationale or true intent. Ouch! For example, I recently did something that really hurt someone I care about. I became irritated, yelled, accused and placed all the blame on the other person. I did not want to ask myself why I reacted in that way. I did not want to even begin to face the hurt I had caused them. I am very blessed that the other person loved me enough to ask me “why?”. At first my answer was, “because you hurt my feelings.” He was very patient with me and eventually I started asking myself “why?”. I was embarrassed by my behavior and was ready to understand why I had responded the way I did. It was not comfortable to ask myself “why?”. I did not really want to admit that my response stemmed from unmet expectations. I was expecting him to do a certain thing. Now, I had never communicated my expectation but I surely communicated when it was not met!

I do not like to stop and ask myself “why?” I am eating again even though I am not hungry. It is not comfortable to admit, even to myself, that I am procrastinating with food. I do not like to ask myself why I am getting on the scale again today because I know the answer is that I am wanting to punish myself for being “bad” yesterday.

Asking ourselves “why?” is tough but brings freedom

It is no wonder why we would want to avoid asking ourselves the question. But, asking it is freeing. It is a conversation I can have with God and/or others that brings truth into light. Ephesians 5:13 says “But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible…” (ESV translation). Once I acknowledge what is really going on, the control it had over me dies. I become free from it’s tangled web of destruction.

Sometimes I am unable to quickly put my finger on the why and sometimes I just avoid asking. God lovingly and patiently waits with me. Others lovingly and patiently wait with me. God wants me to experience the freedom He has already given me. God does not intend for our actions to control us. Let’s ask why and experience His love and grace.

-Melissa

Knowing, Believing, Trusting

Do you ever feel like you study God’s word but it does not change anything? I do. Sometimes I even feel cheated. Other times I just beat myself up because I feel like I am obviously not studying enough or correctly. I am realizing that knowing things and experiencing things are different.

Jesus said “You have your heads in your Bible constantly because you think you’ll find eternal life there. But you miss the forest for the trees. These scriptures are all about me! And here I am, standing right before you, and you aren’t willing to receive from me the life you say you want.” (John 5:39-40 The Message Translation)

Knowing who God is and who I am because of Him is foundational. From that flows my thoughts, behaviors, and how I see others. When things are not quite right I can usually find some faulty belief that is driving things out of control. Most coaching I do with others focuses on this foundation as well. The Bible is a huge part of this process. Scripture tells us many truths about who God is and our identity. Knowing these truths leads to freedom. Scripture even tell us that truth sets us free. Jesus is that truth. At times though, I realize I stop with knowing truth. Sometimes I get stuck there. I am definitely not experiencing freedom when I am stuck.

I can focus and focus on truths told in scripture but still feel defeated. I can complain about how I know them but my life is not different. I am still just getting up, doing the same thing every day, going to bed and then getting up and repeating it all over. There are days that I do not even remember what I did. I put myself in auto pilot mode and “live” life. I pray and beg God to help me believe these truths I know. Lord, help me see things differently. I know there is more to life than what I am experiencing. Scripture tell me so. However, it does not seem true. I tell myself that if I just continue studying and trying to make myself believe, things will change. In the meantime, I just feel defeated.

The scriptures are important. They do give me truths. They give me facts. They tell stories from long ago that paint a picture of God for me. Sometimes I get so hung up in knowing all the details of the picture that I fail to actually see the picture. I fail to enjoy the picture. I am in the forest checking off one tree at a time thinking that once they are all checked it will click and come together. Just like laundry, the trees are never ending. If I wait until I get them all checked off to look at the forest I will never see the forest.

I have turned my relationship with Jesus into a task. I can not see His beauty played out in my life while focusing so hard on trying to learn how I am supposed to see Him. This is true with any relationship. When I just know truths (or try to know them at least) and do not see them played out then I am going to continue to complain. Nothing is going to feel different.

How I approach God looks different when it is based on knowing a truth verses believing and experiencing a truth. Romans 8 tells me that I am free from condemnation and that I cannot be separated from the love of God. I can approach Jesus only knowing this truth and still be scared. Usually that prayer is full of begging for forgiveness, promising not to do it again and begging for Jesus to help me. When I step outside of knowledge and approach Him based on trusting Him then I am able to approach Him ready to receive the gift of forgiveness He has already given me. I am not scared that He will never forgive me unless I say a specific prayer. I am able to talk with Him about what is really going on inside of me that caused me to sin in the first place. I am not even focused on the actual sin itself because I am focused on His love for me and His loving, listening ear. I am letting Him hande the sin! I am able to experience the forest of His love. I will flip flop between both trusting only in the knowledge of Christ and trusting in Christ. He will continue to love on me and be patient with me when I flounder.

-Melissa

I am Like a Mockingbird

I have been really enjoying the red and blue birds that visit our backyard every day. They like to perch on the trampoline, fly around the yard and rest in the trees that line our property. Their vibrant red and blue color pops amongst the green foliage on the trees. They stand out. They display beauty just by being them. They are a beautiful part of nature’s story even though they do not blend in.

Sometimes a mockingbird is more attractive.

There is one bird that does things a little differently. The mockingbird mimics other birds’ songs and sounds. Sometimes I am more comfortable relating to the mockingbird. A singer/songwriter I love to listen to, Derek Webb, wrote a song entitled Mockingbird (check it out here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewoMYUtcJMI) . The chorus says this:

“And I’m like a mockingbird.

I’ve got no new song to sing.

And I’m like an amplifier.

I just tell you what I’ve heard.

Oh, I’m like a mockingbird.”

We think we have to be just like others.

There are a few different reasons that I connect to the mockingbird. Sometimes I just want others to like me! How better to achieve this than to try and be like them. I need to agree with them, like the same music, and be on the same bandwagon they are on. I forget who I am and just copy their song. Nothing makes me madder than when I realize I’m doing that! Usually I start to dread being with that person I am trying to win over. It takes a lot of work to try and sing someone else’s song. They don’t get to know the real me, therefore the relationship stays surface.

Sometimes I prefer you to just tell me the answers.

There are other times that I just get tired of questioning things. I am exhausted from all the effort I have put into trying to figure things out on my own. It becomes easier to just “tell you what I’ve heard like a mockingbird”. We see this everyday as we watch the news and then tell that same news as if we experienced it first-hand ourselves. Unfortunately, we also see this in religious settings. We hear a preacher tell us who God is and then we just repeat these words and develop an image of Him based on what we have heard. There is no questioning things or even trying to understand things. We just believe what we hear and see, repeat it, and move on.

We cling to rules to find the solution to our problems.

Another part of Derek Webb’s song says:

“And I’ll do all I can

To be a better man

Oh I’ll clean up this act

And be worse than when we started.

And I am like a mockingbird….”

How many times have we clung to another’s words thinking that was going to be the solution to our problems? If I can just “clean up my act” and be like that person over there then I’ll “be a better man.” I catch myself developing a list of rules that will modify my behavior. We let these rules control our diets, exercise, bible study, prayer, etc. To lose weight I can only eat certain foods and I must exercise for 30 minutes 5 times weekly. To become a better Christian I must read my bible for 30 minutes daily and pray for at least 15 minutes. This makes me laugh just to say it but this stuff does control our daily lives! Normally it is in my failure to keep these rules and lack of change in my life that I am able to see that “cleaning up my act” doesn’t work. Nothing in my heart has changed or even been acknowledged. I am worse now than when I started trying because now I can just add failure to my list of problems.

Grace changes everything.

God knows I do these things and that I will do them over and over again. He graciously keeps reminding me that I am loved just as I am. I do not always embrace it or believe it, especially when I’m being a mockingbird, but He continues to gently whisper truth to me. There are times, though, when I do embrace it and it is so freeing. My relationships change and grow deeper. I am able to let someone love me and that changes everything.

Are there ways that you relate to the mockingbird? Leave a comment below and we can talk more about it.

-Melissa

From Broken to Beautiful

Sea glass is broken pieces of glass, turned and tossed in the ocean. It is carried to the shore by waves. It shines and glistens on the sand and is found by passers by. They are so excited about their find. It is such a beautiful gift.

Something that once was whole. Something that once was functional and used in some way to serve another became broken. Shattered. Its pieces scattered and beaten by the ocean. Tossed and tumbled.

It does not know that it is being transformed. It just happens. The transformation is breathtaking.

Jagged edges are now smooth. It has a new shape. It is no longer able to hold liquid or messages. It is no longer about how it can serve you. Now, after the transformation, it is about how it enters into a new relationship for pure enjoyment.

With each piece found there is a story. It once was a slave to one thing, how it could work for you. It had to become broken to embrace the smooth edges and beauty that it offered. Brokenness lead to a new type of relationship, a better one.

Sea glass is a beautiful reflection of our relationship with Jesus.

I was recently reading something from one of my favorite authors, Wayne Jacobsen, and he said, “I see him as a gracious Father, rescuing his children from brokenness and transforming us over time to take on his glory”. Jesus has transformed me. Like the sea glass, it just happened. It was not anything I did. Jesus does all the work even though I sometimes try really hard to help him out. I get uncomfortable when I think about another person doing something for me. I am more comfortable when the roles are reversed. I do not want that kind of attention and most importantly I want it done like I want it done! God’s gift to me is so beautiful and life changing but when I do not believe and embrace it I can get scared. Then I start trying to control my life. I have developed a list of life rules I must follow to keep things in order!

When I do not trust that Jesus has transformed me into a beautiful, new person that he wants a relationship of pure enjoyment with I start to get anxious. I get busy. I like to make to-do list. I catch myself being anxious when I realize I am adding to my to-do list once it gets down low. What will I do if there is available time? I must stay busy! Isn’t that my purpose? I start trying to become that before person that has to work hard and can only serve, like the sea glass before it was broken. There is no relationship there. There is only a master and a slave.

I can work and work but the striving leads to frustration. I know I cannot live up to the standards I have set for myself, even though I have told myself that these standards are things that Jesus expects. I cannot keep my life together and whole. I mess up frequently but I keep trying. Eventually I become worn down. I am tired but not sleeping well. I am “hungry” all the time. I have a very short fuse. That leads to frustration, anger, resentment, and the list goes on. My relationships are affected and I end up hurting others. My whole life is affected.

I can only try for so long. I eventually become broken. Tossed around in an emotional roller coaster. There are highs and lows. I hit hard ground and shatter.

Even though I do not always believe that Jesus is with me during those times, He is. He does not fight me or force me to stop striving. He loves me well and knows that eventually I will remember the truth. I cannot do life on my own no matter how hard I try. He does not even want me to. John 3:17 tells us that Jesus came to earth to save me. He makes my sharp edges smooth. He makes it where we can have a relationship of pure enjoyment. This happens because of Him. There is nothing for me to do except admit that I cannot do this alone. I surrender. It is no longer a master and slave relationship. It is not about what I can do and how I can serve. It is about how Jesus came to serve and love and transform.

Sea glass goes from being a useable vessel to being broken and then to being beautiful. It has a completely different definition now. It has a story behind its brokenness and transformation. We each have a story as well. Jesus completely changes our story. It is no longer about what we can do. It is about trusting in the transformation that takes us from broken to beautiful.

I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on your story. It continues every day and I pray that you are able to embrace the beauty of it.

-Melissa

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