The Opinions of Others

A while ago, I was struggling with something. I had noticed several people in my life pulling away, or so it seemed to me. I noticed several cutting comments others made towards me, or at least that’s how I saw it. It was getting to the point that I just expected it…the rejection. I was wondering what in the world I was doing wrong. Why was this happening? Some people in situations similar to this work harder to please others. I tend to say “forget it” and pull away. I shared my concerns with my wife.

She said to me, “I think you are too focused on what others are thinking and doing, and not focused enough on your own heart.” I paused for a second. My instinct was to be defensive, but, this time at least, I fought back the urge. I sat with what she said and let it settle in me. She was absolutely right.

Avoid the knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself.

When I opened up to someone who I could trust I heard something I did not really want to hear. This was not just anybody off the street offering an ill-advised opinion. This was someone who truly loved me. Coming from her, it was like an alarm in the morning, waking me up. It was irritating to my ears. But I needed an alarm to go off, and God worked through the words of my wife. Thank God I didn’t hit snooze.

When you are focused on the opinions of others, you are controlled by them.

As usual, the willingness to be open and honest about myself paid off. But, as is typical, I had put it off. I should have done it sooner, but better late than never. In my day-to-day interactions I had become obsessed with what others were thinking…particularly about me, what I was doing and what I was saying. Their opinions of me (perceived or real) had become my guide. It controlled my actions and mood to a large extent.

Dependence on what others think leads to a flimsy identity.

I had become dependent upon the comments, responses, and even facial expressions of others. Of course, some people’s opinions seemed to matter more than others. I was losing sight of who I was more and more each day. It was like a snowball. I was going downhill, and it was getting bigger and bigger as I went. Perhaps some people were being critical, but I most likely had been seeing the criticisms when they were not even there. I perceived others thinking what I already believed about myself, and it was not good stuff.

The opinions of others are powerless unless you agree with them.

As I pondered all of this, I remembered an important truth. The opinions of others is never debilitating unless I believe them. Before this snowball had gained any momentum at all, I had begun to let self-criticism take over my thought life. I was not resting in the truth of who God said I was: His adopted son, whom He loves without ceasing. No, I was not focusing on how He would look at me with a proud look, like a father at a baseball game when his son hits the ball for the first time. I had been focused on my failures and imperfections. It was only a matter of time before I got absorbed in believing others were seeing the same thing, and believing they were right about me. And what’s worse, like my wife had said, with my focus on them I was unable to see what was really going on with me that was causing the problem in the first place!

Once I refocused on some basic truths, I began acting on them. Things became clearer. I felt the return of the freedom I had lost. It was not easy. It never is. Walking by Faith is a hard thing to do. Things such as the opinions of others sometimes seem more real than the truth. And a focus on them can serve as a blind spot, causing us to stumble along the way.