For the third or fourth time this week, I sit down to write. It is easier said than done. Writing, for me, is a time to be open and honest…to share something real with whoever happens to read it later. Much of the time it is personal. Sometimes, I have been told, it is a little “too personal”. It is something I love to do. It is something I am compelled to do. We all have our ways of doing this. We have a deep need to be honest about what we are doing, feeling, and thinking. Sometimes we do it with a trusted friend over coffee. Sometimes it is with God on the porch, staring at the sunrise. I just happen to do some of it through a blog. Regardless of how it is done, it forces us to be honest with ourselves. It snaps us back to reality, which prevents spinning our tires any longer. It propels us forward.
This morning, again, there is nothing coming to mind that I want to put down on paper. I know there are big things going on in my life. There should be something to write about. My son is graduating in a few weeks. Wow, that is major. It is a huge transition for him, and for my wife and I as well. I am also busy with an important project. It is requiring a tremendous amount of time and energy from me. And there have been a couple other deeply important and challenging things going on.
Despite these events, I am struggling to write anything. I am just not in the mood for it. So, ironically, I am writing and sharing about how I do not want to write and share anything at all right now. That is a good start.
It would be easier to remain silent. Say nothing at all. Internalize everything. Make bad decisions. Eventually, stress and frustration would spew out in one form or another. That is no good for me or anyone around me.
By acknowledging how I do not feel like saying anything, I am able to begin asking myself important questions. What exactly are these feelings that are pushing me to be silent? Why am I hiding and acting like nothing is wrong? Am I ignoring the obvious? Am I angry? Am I sad? What am I actually doing right now? Am I too busy? Do I need a break? And what am I thinking? What’s driving me to feel and do these things?
Without taking the step to be honest with myself, I never get to the point of engaging those questions. Therefore, I remain stuck, and pay the price for it.
Looking in the mirror is a hard thing to do. Sometimes I just do not want to do it. Acknowledging that simple fact can be huge. It gets the door back open again, even if it is just a crack. It is a big deal to confess something real about yourself…anything at all, whether it is on a blog, with a friend, or alone on a walk with God.