One of Those Mornings

I woke up this morning to a fight. It does not have to be a fight, but I chose for it to be. I could simply give in, but it will cost me something if I do. If I wave the white flag on this one, I will slide further into depression.

We all have signs to look for that show something is “a bit off”.

When things such as depression, anxiety, or anger show up in our lives, something is happening inside of us that is leading to them. For me, this morning, I feel a weird mixture of all three. I certainly feel “down”. I can tell it would not take much for me to lose my temper with someone. My wife, who has more love and grace for me than I can fathom, can attest to this, because I snapped at her before I left home to go to work. All over nothing, really.

It is easy to get caught up fighting the wrong things.

The fight I referred to earlier was not between me and my wife. Not the real fight, anyway. And it was not with my depressed feelings, though I really do want them to go away. The fight I am talking about has much more to do with the many thoughts running through my head.

Our thoughts can be a formidable opponent.

Without getting too specific (no one reading this really wants to know all that goes on in my crazy head), my thoughts this morning are a collage of events in my life. I am bombarded with mistakes I have made…both recent and distant past. Thoughts of how I have not been successful with certain things that I really wanted to succeed at rush through my head. Memories are recalled and replayed for me that seem to prove me to be a failure as a father, friend, husband, counselor, and other roles I fill everyday.

With all of this going on in my mind, I am exhausted before I even make it to work. I fluctuate between giving up and fighting back. I keep reminding myself, “I must fight.” If I do not fight, it will only be a downward spiral, like the one Trent Reznor described all too well (if you do not know him, you did not grow up in the 90’s).

Being positive can be a negative.

This fight is not about trying to be more positive. Being positive is a mind game we can play sometimes that seems to help. Maybe it does, for a while at least. Being positive is an attempt to fool ourselves with more thoughts. However, these are happy thoughts, filled with sunshine and butterflies and other scenes from the end of a Disney movie. The main issue with positive thinking is it has the same problem as the negative thoughts I described earlier. Neither positive nor negative thoughts address the core issue that is leading to my depression this morning. Trying to be positive only delays getting to a real solution.

We must capture the enemy and force it out.

In 2 Corinthians 10, Paul discusses a different approach to a morning like this. Instead of positive or negative thinking, Paul suggests taking the thoughts captive one by one (both positive and negative thoughts). This can get tough…very tough.

First off, slowing down my mind enough to pick a fight with a thought is hard to do. This will require quite a considerable effort. I may need some quiet, alone time away from everyone else. I may need to go lift weights or run. Whatever helps me capture these thoughts, one at a time, THAT is what I need to do.

What are your thoughts saying about you?

Now that I have settled down (this morning I chose to listen to music that I know calms me), I begin analyzing one thought at a time. What is this thought telling me? “Neil, you are an idiot. You are a failure. You do not have what it takes”. One key here is digging until you see what the thoughts are saying about you. A personal attack is required to take you down. Then, the next step is finding the truth about who you are and choosing to focus on it rather than the thoughts that do not agree. As Paul described, this is a process of forcing our thoughts to obey the truth.

What are your thoughts saying about God?

The deceitful thoughts also say untrue things about God. They usually do not do this clearly. It is usually indirect, so you have to really look for it. But it is there. And this is the true key to fighting your way out of a depressed morning like what I have had. What we believe about Him determines our view of everything else.

This is the real fight: trusting what He says is true in spite of what anything else, including my own mind and emotions, is telling me. Only through those interactions with Him can we embrace and experience the love He has for us, which is the antidote to “one of those mornings”.