Five Relationship Killers

I had a good friend contact me this week with a question. She asked, “What did BP GAS stand for?”, referring to a conversation we had a while back. I laughed because I knew exactly what she was referring to. Years ago, I came up with an acronym to help me remember five things that are detrimental to relationships. “BPGAS” isn’t exactly the coolest acronym ever, and is a little weird, but it works for me.

“B” is for Blame.

When we focus only on the shortcomings of others and blame them for whatever is going on, we fail to look at ourselves. Matthew 7 states that Jesus stressed the importance of self-awareness, rather than focusing our full attention on how others are in the wrong. If we are only focused on what others might be doing wrong, then we never join God in dealing with our own issues. Subsequently, our relationships suffer due to the fact that we do not own our part in issues that arise, we refuse to apologize for anything, and we blindly believe any problem is always someone else’s. Our only action becomes finding a way to dodge responsibility.

“P” is for Pity.

This one works VERY well for the most part…that is, if you want others to feel sorry for you. During a pity party, we want others to think we have been dealt a bad hand in life. We want them to think we’ve done all we can, but we just can’t get ahead. “Poor pitiful _____ (insert first name here)”. When we throw a pity party, we seek something from others. A pity party is all about getting others to do something for us, like give us money, a job, or attention. One big problem is a pity party never produces an opportunity to be truly accepted and loved, which is an essential part of relationships. When we seek pity, the most we can get is pity. There is no respect involved. It may feel like acceptance, but it is far from it. And with pity parties, we make it all about ourselves and ignore the needs of others.

“G” is for Guilt.  

This one is a lot like Blame, but it deserves it’s own category. Sometimes we want others to feel guilty for something, but we don’t necessarily blame them directly. I can blame my wife for not reminding me to take out the trash (which would be massively irresponsible on my part). However, I could get more creative and try to guilt her indirectly. For instance, I could say, “I sure do wish I could have been reminded that the trash truck was coming by today. Man, that means I will have to go to the dump, I guess.” Guilt is sneaky and not as aggressive as outright blame. The word “should” is used a lot. This is a popular choice in large groups, even churches sometimes. Although guilt may motivate people to do what we want them to do, it is in no way connected with the freedom and love that drives healthy relationships.

“A” is for Anger.

While some of us hide our anger, there are many of us that do not. And for those that do not like confrontation, anger can seem like an ideal way to motivate people. A raised voice and scowl might scare certain others into submission. Using anger in this way is downright abusive, although it can be done in such a way that it doesn’t seem that bad. Regardless of how “nice” we make it sound, anger does nothing to draw us closer to others. Fear and love are mutually exclusive.

“S” is for Shame. 

“You are a bad wife!” “You are an idiot!” Those are just a couple of examples of shaming someone. Perhaps we want our spouse to behave differently, or have our child make better choices. Instead of approaching them with gentleness and love, we are often tempted to make their identity synonymous with whatever perceived shortcoming we are focused on. Shaming someone does not simply state, “I don’t like what you did”. It instead says, “You are messed up. You are not good enough. You are a bad person. I do not like who you are.” The act of shaming someone is an attempt to tear them down, and the relationship with that person is torn down with it. Healthy relationships can contain constructive criticism of behaviors, but they are built on a foundation of love and acceptance of who the persons are. They are not built on rejection.

The first step to avoiding BPGAS.

All five parts of BPGAS are manipulative behaviors. When we choose to manipulate people with these, or any other method, our relationships suffer for it. It’s hard not to fall into a cycle of using one or more of these, especially with those we are around the most. There’s much more to it than this, but the first step to avoiding manipulative behaviors is to acknowledge we engage in them. If we focus on the log in our own eyes rather than the speck in someone else’s, like Jesus lovingly encouraged us to do, God can begin to help us see when we are choosing to blame, seek pity, guilt others, scare others with anger, or shame someone.

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