Have you ever had that nagging thought that makes you question everything about yourself? You know, that thing that pops up over and over and you begin to wonder if your life is real or if it’s a charade. I have been struggling recently with this question, “Do I really believe what I say I believe?”. Different little things pop into my mind and tell me that I’m an imposter. A fake. A hypocrite. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was time to get this out. I decided to open up and talk with my husband.
I began blubbering and making no sense. Did I really want to say this aloud? I was in a safe place with someone I trusted so yes, I did want to say this out loud. I was tired of it controlling my mind.
I began explaining what I know is true. God loves me unconditionally. I have been saved by His grace and love. I do not have to earn his love and grace. It is a free gift from God. This removes striving, people pleasing, hiding, etc. I am free from the bondage of sin. I still have flesh and I still sin but it no longer defines me. I am righteous. I am Christ in Melissa McLamb. I know these things are true.
So what’s the problem? Well to be honest, I know these truths but I don’t feel like I have actually experienced these truths. I don’t have a “big story” of how I experienced it like others often seem to have. I mean, I have a story but it doesn’t seem significant or impactful. It doesn’t seem real.
I realize that I haven’t experienced my own story! That was eye opening.
Neil asked, “What does it look like for God to love you? What do you think it should look like?”. I didn’t have an answer to those questions. I had never thought about it. I had only thought about what it looked like when God loved other people, not me. I get uncomfortable when I actually think about God loving me. That’s getting very personal!
God is going to approach us from a perspective of fully knowing and understanding who we are. He is not going to force me to experience His love in an uncomfortable way. He has good intentions and He doesn’t mess up.
I encourage you to ask yourself those same questions. What does it look like for God to love you? What do you think it should look like? It is personal. It is your story. It is unique and special because you are special and loved by God.
-Melissa
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