True Love Isn’t a Balancing Act

I have been an imperfect husband and father. That’s not really a newsflash or anything, especially to my wife and son. There have been times in which I have really nailed it when it came to responding appropriately to certain situations. Other times, well…not so much. Despite the fact that I say things out of anger at times, occasionally throw my own version of a pity party, and obsess over getting to places early, both my wife and son have chosen to embrace me anyway. They do not just overlook my faults and aggravating tendencies. They have consistently loved me in spite of them.

Being loved when you’re imperfect trumps getting approval for doing what someone wants you to do.

It is really cool to have moments in which I do something that pleases them. It feels like I did something right, and that’s a good feeling. However, I have noticed that it means more to me when they love me when I do something that’s not necessarily what they wanted me to do. It’s not a constant balancing act like trying to please them. Actually, there’s no comparison to the emotions that run through me when one of them genuinely smiles in the face of one of my bad moments.

When I look at how I treat others, I can see the other side of this. It requires no effort to love and enjoy people who are doing what I wanted them to do. I almost want to label these people as “perfect”, since their actions seem perfectly aligned with my own desires. However, to care about and enjoy those that are NOT meeting my expectations demands much more from me. I even have a tendency to label them as “bad”, or maybe even an “enemy” in some cases.

Loving only when expectations are met is not love at all.

If I only show love to my wife and son when they do what I want them to do, my love is lacking. In fact, it’s hard to even call it “love”. I am basically telling them I am only okay with them when they comply with my wishes. It’s rather selfish to demand that people bend to my will in order to avoid me pulling away from them. Withholding love is never an acceptable punishment and it never successfully manipulates a person to “do better”. Operating in the absence of love is like running a car with no oil in it. It will break down. Relationships break down in the absence of love.

God’s love always is in the presence of our imperfection. 

In my interactions with others, I can see the reflection of how God loves us. It required a lot on His part to love us. The death of His son was required to overcome the hurdle of communicating His love to us and winning us over to Himself. His Grace covered and covers all the imperfections we can throw at Him. A lifetime of trying to please Him with “good deeds” could never match the overwhelming realization that He loves us no matter what.

To love others, we first must be loved.

To be capable of loving others no matter what, we must first receive love in the midst of our own imperfection. That way we can have enough love inside of us to give others even though they may not deserve it and may not even love us back. Receiving this unconditional love from God is one of the hard things we do as His children. We want to treat our relationship with Him like we often do our relationship with others: we refuse to accept the love until we’ve done enough to deserve it. And we want to withhold it until someone has done enough to share it with them. It never works that way. If it did, God would still be waiting for the first person besides Christ who was worthy to love.