Intimacy may be the most misunderstood part of relationships. I know I haven’t gotten it figured out. When using the word “intimacy”, some of us immediately think of sexual relations. The fact is, intimacy is much more than that. “Sexual act” is actually the third definition down when I look it up in the dictionary. The first definition listed is “close familiarity or friendship; closeness”.
We need intimacy.
Intimacy should not be treated as a option. It is a need. We are born with it. I do not know all the research behind it, but I have read and heard many times that children struggle when they are deprived of closeness after birth. They know next to nothing about relationships, but they feel a need to bond. We do not have to be cognizant of our need for it to exist.
When it comes to intimacy, we often settle for imposters.
Denying our need for intimacy is typically a result of shame, rejection, or some other hurt that causes us to want to avoid any further pain. While it can bring joy and fulfillment, it can also bring tremendous disappointment and heartache. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth the risk. At those times, isolation seems better than the pains that can accompany intimacy.
Other times, we are so desperate for it, we put in overtime trying to get it. This approach opens us up to those jerks who are willing to use us and abuse us. They do nothing while we do all the work. And we keep putting up with it in the hopes that things will change. All the extra effort turns out just to be fake intimacy, at best. It’s not rewarding at all. Actually, it’s exhausting, or worse…it winds up causing big time trouble.
Isolation and playing the role of a doormat are just two imposters of intimacy. There are many others. Pornography is one. It offers all the feelings of intimacy, without any of the responsibilities. And it surprises us with all kinds of shame and hurt down the road.
Drama is another imposter. When intimacy breaks down, is absent, or fears make it seem unreachable, drama seems to be an easy way to engage others. Sure, it typically drags someone through the mud, or “throws them under the bus”, but it seemingly offers a way to connect with those “on my side”. All the excitement from the drama can feel like a worthy substitute, but it’s not. It dies out quickly, and never satisfies.
Another substitute for intimacy is criticism. It’s so easy to be critical. It requires next to no responsibility, no work, and no chance of getting close enough to get hurt. But it offers the allure of attention and interaction that may feel better than none at all. It’s similar to the child that settles for bad behavior to get attention. He figures, “Well, bad attention is better than no attention at all!”
Manipulation always thwarts true intimacy.
Most intimacy imposters require a specific behavior: manipulation. They all seem to attempt to get something from others without embracing all the necessary foundations for true intimacy to be possible. They skip over vulnerability, responsibility, or authenticity. Even isolation is manipulative in that it attempts to control others so they will not get close enough to hurt us.
Intimacy requires freedom.
Sometimes, the hardest part of pursuing intimacy is giving another person the freedom to make their own choices. We want to do something to make it work the way we want it to. That requires us to manipulate in some way, even if it looks like the “nice Christian thing to do”.
True intimacy is made possible through trust.
It just so happens that God is pretty big on relationships. In fact, He has worked tirelessly on establishing one with his children. Regardless of what theological or historical theories you aspire to, humans have been around for a long time. Despite how messed up we have been over the years, God has not given up. He patiently has romanced us like a young man who wants nothing more than to get one date with the girl that has caught his eye. And like the father whose son ran away in rebellion, squandering his money in the process, God does not force us into anything. And He is overwhelmed with excitement when He sees us headed back His way.
Trust is the foundation for the relationship with Him that he desires. He has not made it a secret that it is “By Grace Through Faith” that our relationship is established and maintained forever with Him. He wants us to trust Him, which seems plain and simple, but is very difficult to do at times. One way we can engage and experience Him is to catch ourselves settling for an intimacy imposter. When we do, we can make the hard choice to surrender our efforts to manipulate, whether it be to fuel drama, criticize someone, try to impress or please someone, or isolate ourselves. Surrender is a powerful act. It leaves us vulnerable, in the face of things we fear most. It requires trust. In those difficult moments is where He shows up…not because He wasn’t there before, but because we were not open to it.