When I first started pursuing my wife in high school, she had no idea who I was. She knew my name (I think!) and a little about what others may have told her, but she did not know the real me. I did not speed up the process of her getting to know me. Instead, I spent a lot of time trying to be what I thought she wanted me to be, rather than letting her get to know the real me. This type of thing tends to happen at the beginning of any relationship, whether it be in a social situation or even in a new job. It takes time to loosen up and be ourselves. It also takes time to get to know others because they, too, are prone to this behavior.
Fear is the culprit here.
At the beginning of any relationship, we do not know yet if the others around us will accept us. To avoid facing that fear of rejection, we may assume we are going to be rejected no matter what , so we choose to push everyone away before they even have the chance to accept us. The other option is to assume we might be accepted if we work hard enough at it, so we do everything we can to be accepted…except for being ourselves! No matter which of those paths we choose, we miss out on the very things we need the most in our relationships.
We miss out on finding out more about ourselves. When we spend our time hiding from others, it’s not just others that do not get to see our true selves. WE do not get to see ourselves either! Authenticity with others helps us learn more about ourselves.
We miss out on finding out more about others. When we spend our time faking our interactions, we attract the same behavior from others. We also fail to see the fakeness in others because we are so focused on faking it ourselves. If we really want to learn who we want to be close to, we need to be real.
Authenticity begins with our primary relationships.
Chances are, if we are not being real with the main relationships in our lives (usually spouses, children, parents, etc.), we are not being real anywhere else either. Trying to face the fear of rejection with anyone will not be easy. However, if we are going to put forth the effort, those crucial relationships are the best place to start because authenticity that begins at our core tends to spread to other parts of our lives.
The foremost relationship is with the One who knows us best. Being real with Him provides the best opportunity to find out who we really are. Because of His Grace, we are able to approach Him in confidence, regardless of all the personal things we struggle with. In other words, He can handle whatever mess we bring up to Him. He never turns us away. He accepts us because He knows who He has created us to be (our true identity). He’s the safest place to be real.
A few things to consider as we ask God the ongoing question, “Who am I?”…
Choose to face your fear of not being accepted by being real with someone. A good example is being honest about how we feel. How many times have we been angry but said, “Everything is fine.” with a fake smile?
Let others see who you are. As we find out more about ourselves, we need to share it with those who we learn we can trust. But remember, everyone does not get to see the deepest parts of us.
Give others time and freedom to tell you who they are. To know how much we can share with certain people, we must pay attention to what they tell us about themselves. Actions speak louder than words. We must be real with them so there is more likelihood that we will see them for who they are. And a wise lady once told me, “Once a person tells you who they are, believe them!”
Discover who you are and enjoy relationships with others. As we seek to be real, some may choose to pull away. This usually says more about them than it does you. This is an ongoing process of trial and error. Being comfortable in our own skin and developing real relationships are well worth the effort. As long as the goal is to be real and honest with God, ourselves, and others, we will get there!