When it comes to relationships, we often engage in a “push-pull game” with each other that keeps us from experiencing the intimacy we want. The “push” part of the game is performed by some of us who tend to work harder to make it work, exhausting ourselves with the frustrating work involved. Then there are those of us that pull away…
Avoiding closeness may make us feel safer, but it’s far from it.
Typically out of fear, we pull away when we first devise a goal to avoid the possibility of rejection and hurt. This approach typically includes behaviors like “the silent treatment”, avoiding interaction, putting most of our time into something else, pity parties, and even subtle things like sarcasm that keeps people at a distance . There is a problem with the goal of avoidance. To avoid all negatives in a relationship, we also cut out the thing that produces all the positives. To receive acceptance and love as spouses, friends, and family members, we must risk opening ourselves up and pursuing a relationship.
Is coming out of our shell worth the risk?
We must answer a viable question if we are to push forward instead of continuing to pull away. Is it really worth the risk? For those of us who have experienced seemingly endless bouts of rejection, it just feels like the answer is “no”. Fear of being rejected, yet again, is screaming at us, “Don’t let this happen again! It’s not worth it!”. We know what it feels like and we do not want to go there again. Could it possibly be worth it to potentially have to work through another wound?
Our desire screams that the pursuit of intimacy is worth it.
We all have an inborn desire for meaningful relationships. Some of us have pulled away so long that we may have lost sight of it. It may feel like we just do not like or need people, and we hate the possibility of rejection so much that even loneliness feels like it will be more rewarding. However, no matter how deep we may have buried it, it is still there, whispering to us that we are missing something important. Yes, even us introverts need relationships. We may not be social butterflies (or the more masculine moths, as one of my good friends suggested once), but we certainly crave to love and be loved. It’s a need we will not escape.
Jesus believed in relationships.
Jesus was all about relationships. He pursued them from the earliest stories that have been told about Him. He valued close friendships with His core group. Although He knew the importance of taking time away to rest and rejuvenate, He never stayed away. Once revitalized, He would jump right back into creating and building relationships with those around Him. He “needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man” (John 2:38, ESV). Jesus was not blind to the risks, and yet He still pursued others. He fully realized many would attempt to use Him, lie about Him, and betray Him. Many times, these would be the closest friends He had. Why did He even bother? And better yet, HOW could He do it and not completely lose all hope?
Jesus believed it was worth it to risk rejection.
Jesus was not surprised when others let Him down. He could see past their behaviors and understood the heart issues that led to their failures as friends. He knew he was not the reason they were unfaithful or hurtful. He enjoyed who they really were behind all the crud that would show up from time to time. He chose to love them in spite of their flaws.
We may not realize it, but when we have closed ourselves off from others, we often have also closed ourselves off to God as well. That is where “coming out of our shell” starts: recognizing we need deeper connection with God. Jesus was so connected with His Heavenly Father, He trusted Him deeply to provide for all of His needs. He did not depend on one person or group. I believe He recognized that the good things people did actually came through people from God. Those things were worth the risk of the bad stuff that would pop up. In the midst of rejection, lies, and betrayal, He never gave up on people. God never gives up on us. He always pursues. This ultimate unconditional love and acceptance can give us what we need to push forward in relationships, rather than pulling away.