The Fig Leaf of Manners

Being raised in the South, manners were instilled in me from the beginning. I learned to say “Yes Ma’am”, “No Sir”, “Please”, and “Thank You”. I was taught to hold the door for ladies, to let them go first, and to walk on the side closest to the road when walking with a lady. I was encouraged to smile when meeting others. I even find myself putting down the toilet seat at work (my coworkers are mostly ladies).

Manners can be a good way to show others respect. Manners can communicate an attitude of friendliness, sending the message that someone else is welcome and/or appreciated. Being nice and respectful is a great thing, unless it comes from an insincere heart.

In a couple of previous posts, I have discussed how we all struggle with shame at points in our lives. Due to these shameful feelings, we have a drive to hide from others. We often find ways to hide (fig leaves, as I am calling them here) that are hard to pick up on. If we are going to hide, we might as well find a fig leaf that hides us well!

Like with anything that can be used for good purposes, manners, or “being nice” can also be used in a not-so-good way. We can hide behind a nice demeanor, a smile, and kind words. I know I have caught myself many times being nice to someone when everything in me is screaming something other than pleasant words. John Lynch, of www.truefaced.com, often says we like to tell others we’re “doing just fine!” when we are far from it.

The major problem with misplaced manners is that we fail to acknowledge to not only others, but to ourselves, that something is wrong. Using “niceness” in this way prevents us from addressing real issues that need to be dealt with. I caught myself many times as a counselor, pushing things aside in order to be pleasant with others. While some of that was necessary in order to put them first in counseling sessions, when I left work and went home without addressing the things I had put aside, I was a ticking time bomb.

So, today, I encourage each of my readers to examine your heart when it comes to the attitude you are portraying to others. Does it come from an authentic heart, or from a desire to hide what’s really going on inside of you? I encourage us all to take a step of faith, trusting that God will provide the strength we need when we choose to be real rather than fake our way through something. We all need healing, and healing comes when we acknowledge to our loving, Heavenly Father that we need treatment.